Husband’s mood swings impacting his relationship with my AC

I wouldn't worry about autism but it just sounds as though he does not like visitors. Can you visit your daughter in her home from now on? Don't expect him to change to fit your expectations because he won't. He might have not vocalised his objection to the back and forth plan. He is not keen on grandchildren so don't force your interest upon him. You will be happier in the long run if you accept him as he is rather than change him or his medication. Sorry.

Maybe he hasn’t had children by choice? Have you talked to him about this? If he dislikes children then he won’t change.

It’s been suggested you go on your own to visit your family, it seems like good advice.

I think Autism would have impacted you much earlier in your relationship, depression might be another avenue worth looking into with his GP, it could just be that he’s very fixed in his ways and will get worse as he gets older.

You play the cards your dealt. I would travel to see my daughter every 3/4 months and have a longer visit.
You won’t change your husband.

Your husband is clearly happy with his daily walks and pottering and when your daughter and her baby visit it must throw him out of a routine he is comfortable with.
He clearly doesn't want to be grandad and that is his choice. He has no children of his own and doesn't sound very paternal.
As others have suggested leave him to his routine and visit your daughter on your own.

When I had my babies, New mothers were warned that husbands frequently felt jealous of the new baby (even those who were enthusiastic over having a baby in the first place).
He's had his nose pushed out, you are excited and pleased to see your daughter and her new baby, but new babies are noisy and disruptive, their clothes and toiletries clutter up the house, and they smell (lovely, but they do smell).
His comfortable space had been invaded by this noisy disruptive person - not what he anticipated when you married - and the poor man's gone down in the pecking order.
We were told to keep the father at number one on the list of important people, put him back on his pedestal and enjoy the baby when he's not around.

Some good advice here. Your DD seemed to have exoectations he was going to be a doting grandpa and her expectations have been disappointed.

You can't change his feelings but I would encourage him to talk (not easy if he's sulking, I know) and keep yout time together as a couple (which must still be ok as you're still together) as it was before.

As others have suggested, go see your DD on your own, this will bond the time between you even more.

As to his medication, go see your GP about this but you can't force him to take this either.

Enjoy your grandchild without him, they soon grow and the least disruption to your DHs life the better, it sounds to me,

Well you've partly answered your own question. He has reached retirement age without having children in his life. Not everyone is thrilled with babies and, quite frankly, men don't usually go all gooey in the middle about them. On top of that this is not even his own flesh and blood. He isn't grandpa.

Plus he has now "lost" you because you are utterly besotted with the baby and delighted to be a grandma, so where does that leave him? He's effectively been replaced by something that really has nothing to do with him. The talk of your daughter moving nearer is probably really worrying for him. You will be all consumed with her and the baby if that happens.

As for his annoyance when your daughter comes to stay, I can't say I blame him. A much younger person with a baby in tow is going to cause major disruption. You may think it's wonderful but it's not everyone's idea of fun. Especially an ageing bloke who didn't sign up to children himself.

Stop trying to create "happy families" and go to visit your daughter on your own. Remember, it's not his grandchild and he doesn't want his life to revolve around a baby.

He is not the grandpa of your Grandchild so why would he pretend to be. I am with your husband here,. go and visit your daughter and enjoy your grandchild that way.

esp suffering tinnitus and poss depression from war service, it's no wonder he has the hump.
did he agree this arrangement of his home being invaded in this way so frequently.

Think this is so sad. Clearly your DD is trying to include me by making him “grandfather”. It’s rather sad that he is not making any kind of effort. He must have known you had children when you married and that they one day might have children if their own.

Have a Frank open discussion with your husband and see what you can negotiate in terms of a compromise. I don’t see why you should always have to visit your DD in her home and why you should always have to travel alone.

Good luck

Sorry, “include him”, not “include me”

By the way, you haven’t said how long you’ve been married and I’m making a big assumption that the house belongs to both of you, it’s not just his home, it’s yours too!

Thanks everyone for your comments they have helped me see some of the issues my husband is facing.
You are right Cossy we own our house together … it is a large 4 bedroom house where we can all have our own space! we have been together for 20 years and married for 10 years … my partner has been extremely close to both my daughters during that time. I never expected him to travel away all the time to see the baby. I have been doing that all I ask is for my daughter to come three times a year for four or five days at a time, I think the compromise will be that if he can’t deal with that we will go away for a couple of days or he can go and stay somewhere for a couple of days.
This was only intended whilst she was on maternity leave and caring for the baby by herself. I am hopeful as the baby gets older he will find it easier to connect with her.

Seems to me your husband, not a father or GF himself is Not interested in small children. Perhaps your solution dividing locations whilst your daughter and her child are in your home is best - and may always remain the best.

Our daughter, with children and grandchildren, widowed in her 50s, remarried in her 60s - none of them expect her new man to take on her family. He's introverted, polite and kind, but goes out to his activities if they're about.

Norah

Seems to me your husband, not a father or GF himself is Not interested in small children. Perhaps your solution dividing locations whilst your daughter and her child are in your home is best - and may always remain the best.

Our daughter, with children and grandchildren, widowed in her 50s, remarried in her 60s - none of them expect her new man to take on her family. He's introverted, polite and kind, but goes out to his activities if they're about.

But the OP has been with man for the last 20 years, married for 10 of those and has been close to OPs daughters during this time.

I’m clearly the only one here who feels HE’s being unreasonable and not her. Their home seems big enough for him to distance himself.

I’m not biologically related to my grandson, my husbands daughter, she’s never lived with us, we’ve been together just under 30 years. There was never any question of me not being “Granny” to our gorgeous grandson, on either side.

I wouldn't want to be someone's granny, unless I was related to them.

MissAdventure

I wouldn't want to be someone's granny, unless I was related to them.

I’m related, she’s my step/daughter, there’s just no biological connection. She has three half siblings by her father and myself, we all share the same surname, she considers my son her brother. We are a family.

I don't doubt that for one minute.
I'm strictly speaking about my own feelings.

an adult guest for 3 days is quite a lot to endure, plus a baby, and for 4 or 5 days, i can sympathise with him.

welbeck

an adult guest for 3 days is quite a lot to endure, plus a baby, and for 4 or 5 days, i can sympathise with him.

I'd add an adult guest plus baby is too much to endure over almost any night - hotels have been invented for many reasons, this is one.

I have great sympathy with him.

I thought some may be interested in an update. After my daughter left and the dust had settled I had a candid conversation with my husband who admitted he felt “claustrophobic” with the baby in the house. He admits he knows little about babies but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like GD. He also divulged his anti-depressants are making him irritable and angry 😡 (towards everyone not just visitors). He has agreed to seeing a new doctor for medication review. I have made it clear it is my home as well and my family will always be welcome … he agrees and if he doesn’t feel up to it he’ll go away for a few days. My husband has no family and biological links are not always the be all …. Up to now we’ve been a tight knit family … and hopefully once baby is a bit older and he’s feeling better we’ll be back to supporting each other. Thanks all!

lemsip

He is not the grandpa of your Grandchild so why would he pretend to be. I am with your husband here,. go and visit your daughter and enjoy your grandchild that way.

Some step-fathers without children of their own prove to be excellent, supportive fathers and doting grandfathers.

Unfortunately, Queenslandnana, yourcDH doesn't seem to be one such but that's just how he is. I doubt he'll change although perhaps his medications need a review. He sounds like a man of set routines (ex-veteran).

Visiting your DD and baby DGD as often as possible on your own does seem to be the best way forward although I know how difficult that can be with the distances involved there.

Go and enjoy your new grandchild.

welbeck

esp suffering tinnitus and poss depression from war service, it's no wonder he has the hump.
did he agree this arrangement of his home being invaded in this way so frequently.

Being a veteran doesn't necessarily mean being in a war!
It is the term for anyone who was in the Armed Services.

Although he could have been in the Vietnam war, of course.

Norah

welbeck

an adult guest for 3 days is quite a lot to endure, plus a baby, and for 4 or 5 days, i can sympathise with him.

I'd add an adult guest plus baby is too much to endure over almost any night - hotels have been invented for many reasons, this is one.

I have great sympathy with him.

I'd add an adult guest plus baby is too much to endure over almost any night - hotels have been invented for many reasons, this is one

Good grief!
This is the OP's daughter and grandchild, not some random visitor.

From your posts, I thought you were very family-orientated 🤔