Relationship with daughter in law

Madmeg I hate the phone too. One of the main reasons I don’t phone my AC is because they’re at work. and Ds.I.l. are busy with household and kid duties. So I prefer face to face chats. I talk to friends, no problem. I can talk for at least an hour.
WhatsApp is my best friend

mariella22

My daughterinlaw has always been tricky to deal with . From a different country . Different culture.
She is confident and had a priveleged family life, travelling etc . I texted her with photos of the recent visit of our 2 grandaughters with my son and sent a friendly message saying I would miss them when they returned abroad . She did not reply . I texted a few months later to wish them a happy holiday . No reply . Her mothrr died last year and so I do feel she is resentful that I am still here. Help.What do you think ?

You need to start a new thread of your own. Joining an old one people will be replying to the original post not your comment. * mariella*

mollyberta
Just a brief message to firstly say "congratulations" for making a massive step day-by-day.

I wanted to suggest, if you are visiting for more than a day or two to find their local AA group so you have someone you can meet up with local to your son.
Presumably you can contact them ahead of time too.

Good luck!
💐

Thank you for posting .

My daughterinlaw has always been tricky to deal with . From a different country . Different culture.
She is confident and had a priveleged family life, travelling etc . I texted her with photos of the recent visit of our 2 grandaughters with my son and sent a friendly message saying I would miss them when they returned abroad . She did not reply . I texted a few months later to wish them a happy holiday . No reply . Her mothrr died last year and so I do feel she is resentful that I am still here. Help.What do you think ?

Afraid I hate the phone. Always have. I am absolutely fine with friends and rellies phoning me, and they wouldn't know I had any problem, but I simply hate calling someone myself, unless it's for a specific reason or is a faceless person in an organisation. I also hate Zoom and similar so the Covid period was a nightmare for me - and no, I did not get any better at it.

Face to face and I am absolutely fine. At least no-one has implied otherwise so far!!

However, I know this is limiting me as people get the impression that I'm not interested in speaking with them and that is definitely not the case. My preferred method of communication is email and I know lots of people who hate it. But I can reply to an email when it is convenient, sometimes very early in the day (or very late) and make sure I have a mix of things to both tell about me and ask about them.

Some friends understand all this but others don't and I am pretty sure that I have lost some contacts due to what I call "my phobia". One of my closest friends was housebound for the last five years of her life and had a huge network of people to phone that kept her sane. I'd be pretty much destroyed if that had been me. As it might be one day.

I suppose we are different, but I wish I weren't so nervous of making phone calls.

Maybe she is just not social and suffers with anxiety. Sometimes it's easier to speak about yourself because it's a comfortable topic but maybe she feels shy or nervous to ask about you day or life as she doesn't know how the conversation will go. It's a real thing. Give her the benefit of the doubt and maybe just text her instead of wanting to facetime. It can be off-putting especially looking after kids all day, trying to look presentable for a call with your MiL. That way she can think of a response. Hope this helps.

I’m currently hosting my DS n Dinlaw n 2 grandchildren age 8 and 13. I’m in a similar situation. They visit if they can once a year for 10 days from the other side of the world. I love to see them but my DL never says very much. They arrived a week ago and during the last year my DH has been diagnosed with Cancer. He has to be monitored every few months. Since they visited a year ago not once has she asked how he is. I find this incredible. We go out of our way to
Make everything nice for their visit. I have tried to chat but like you it’s just the bare minimum. When they leave I just get thank you for looking after us but then I hear nothing for over a year. My DS face times and puts the grandchildren on but she never joins in. I thought it was initially a culture difference as she is Japanese but I’ve travelled many times to Japan and even hosted nice Japanese who are friendly and wish to chat. I really don’t know what to do I get the feeling she comes as it’s a duty visit. I spend a lot of my time preparing meals. They go out most days playing golf n even visiting friends. It’s all very difficult. I guess I’m lucky they do come. My eldest grandson is going to boarding school over here in September. They purchased all his uniform etc and were given name tapes. She didn’t stitch them on and as I have just recovered from an eye op I couldn’t. I got a friend to do it and it was a big job. She met my friend and was delightful. It seems to be me that she barely speaks too. Just really at a loss.

Firstly Mollyberta huge congratulations for successfully dealing with the problems you had.

Your son must be very proud of you, so proud that you are going to meet your d.i.l. and GC for the first time. Of course you're anxious but your son wanting you to visit is surely a sign that he believes you'll be able to cope, so believe in yourself too.

Have a wonderful trip .

I agree with you Allsorts.

I have done the same thing and the friendship has just faded away. Shame as we had been friends from schooldays and had many shared memories into adulthood.

Theexwife

I didn’t want to I had friends and family that I would rather spend time with.

She was your family once you married her son. It wouldn’t have hurt you to make some effort.

I have a brother like your DIL, Sanje. He phones about once a month and talks about himself, his OH and his step-children/grandchildren but never asks how we are or what we've been up to. I've found that the only way to counter this is to deliberately butt in to his stream of talk and tell him our news/what we've been doing/how our children and granchildren are.

Luckily he's pretty oblivious to the fact that I've interrupted and just responds with umms and aahs. It's not the most scintillating conversation, but I'm just happy that we're in touch on a fairly regular basis.

Maybe you need to be more active in the conversation rather than just listening to a stream of information from the other end of the phone?

Mollyberta

I need some advice. I have been estranged from my son, daughter in law and grandchildren for many years due to my addiction and mental health issues. I have been clean and sober for over 2 years and have started talking with my son and his family about 8 months ago. I live over one thousand miles away from them. I am going for a visit in a few months and am so nervous. I have never met my daughter in law, but she seems like a very lovely person. We have face timed a couple of times, and text every now and then, and it just thrills me. My problem is I am so scared something will go wrong. I am also wondering how I will feel around the other grandparents, my sons friends, etc. I am sure they know why their other grandmother has never been around. I carried such deep guilt and felt so shameful for years. I hope I can get through thhis.

I wish I had responded to your post as well as advising you to start a new thread Mollyberta; I can see how it might have been quite a scary step to share your feelings with Gransnet!

I can relate to you in that I had drink problems in the past, and also depression; I also was so worried about others in my family and extended family knowing about it, and felt deep shame and guilt for that and other difficulties I had. I was never estranged from them though and that must have been incredibly painful for you. I'm so glad you are going to be back in touch with them again.

It must be incredibly scary though; do you have anyone you can talk to about it, or even better would be a counsellor who wouldn't judge you and to whom you would be able to tell everything without fear of repercussions. I really think that would be a good idea.

I know myself how my mind can create all sorts of worries and work itself up into being convinced I am worthless and that everything will go wrong.

You have come such an incredibly long way and achieved so much being clean for two years, and now there is a strong probability that you can have your family in your life again. My advice is to go to a counsellor; are you in the UK? If so, these links might help.

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/
www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/using-our-therapist-directory/?

Wishing you so much luck and happiness!

I think that as we get older we may fall into the trap of downplaying our lives and needs and putting our grown children and GCs centre stage. As a friend commented to me the other day ‘ when they don’t contact us or ask about us we say it is because our grown family have busy lives, but if we don’t contact them or show an interest in their lives we are awful parents.’
And the more we bow to their needs and wishes above our own the more this becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.
Our lives matter. And it doesn’t matter how busy or exhausted a new parent is with a baby it takes a few seconds during a chat to ask about a parents health after major surgery.

You could just say on the next call, what you have been doing or been even if it is just a check up at the hospital for your hubby. Do what she does and talk about yourselves . I do find it strange as the first thing out of my mouth on speaking to someone is " how are you? but perhaps she just needs to be reminded on how to hold a two way conversation.

I don't know how I knew that my Grandmother did not approve of my Mother. My parents married when they were around 20 /21 and had 4 children before they reached 30. My GM certainly didn't approve of that.

However, neither parents or GPs made us aware and I got on very with my GM. She introduced me to so many things that I still enjoy - visiting museums and stately homes, the ballet and cooking. We used to make Victoria sponges weighing the dry ingredients on one side of the scales with two eggs on the other. She also taught me how to make choux pastry.

choudancer is right- start another thread but I have to say your priority in this case should be on your relationship with your son.

Focus on the positives Mollyberta you have done really well to be clean and sober for two years, that's an achievement. You can hold your head high.
Try and relax around your family and just enjoy the time with them, don't look for problems. Good luck.

Mollyberta it would be best to start a new thread, as people may not see it here.
Go to the top, click on 'forums' (top left); scroll down to 'relationships', click on that, then click 'start a new thread'.

I need some advice. I have been estranged from my son, daughter in law and grandchildren for many years due to my addiction and mental health issues. I have been clean and sober for over 2 years and have started talking with my son and his family about 8 months ago. I live over one thousand miles away from them. I am going for a visit in a few months and am so nervous. I have never met my daughter in law, but she seems like a very lovely person. We have face timed a couple of times, and text every now and then, and it just thrills me. My problem is I am so scared something will go wrong. I am also wondering how I will feel around the other grandparents, my sons friends, etc. I am sure they know why their other grandmother has never been around. I carried such deep guilt and felt so shameful for years. I hope I can get through thhis.

Some people have no manners or have not been taught how to make conversation... its a dying art. You need to jump in quickly and say " Oh I havent told you how ---- got on at the hospital , and then start talking about the weather , then ask her about her life... take a positive role dont just sit there letting her use up all the oxygen ? ...

NotSpaghetti - ‘mistrust’ is probably the wrong word. Treading on eggshells would be more appropriate.

Sounds like you may be in a pattern of talking only about the grand children. It's very easy for a mum to do this. Gently suggesting she offers details about her life but you do not. Perhaps she feels worried about asking. Share more about yourself with her instead of waiting for her to ask. The conversation may lead onto other topics.

crazyH I don't feel quite like this.

If they love my son why would I mistrust them?

Generally, I feel there is always certain mistrust between ms-i.l. and ds.i.l. Due to my sons’ busy lives, most of my communications are with their wives -news about the GC , visiting plans etc I am certainly not best friends with them. We’ve been through ups and downs. It is what it is. As long I get to see the little ones, I’m happy.
This is probably the norm in most families.