Wealthy husband won't spend any money

I was married for 52 yrs we had joint bank accounts there were never any problems with who’s was whose and what was what, we just enjoyed our life, I’m so sorry for those who’s husbands controlled the money side of things a good marriage should have equality in it.

Usually when a person retires on a final salary pension, his income drops 50%, ie., the pension is roughly half his former income.

My former line manager is quite wealthy. He told me when he retires, he has to buy a rental property to top up his occupational pension up to state pension age since his wife has no pension of her own.

I retire on occupational pension age 60 but my husband is already drawing the state pension.

Maybe that is the reason why your husband is cautious about money, since both of you are a long way from state pension age.

You said things were fine before Covid. Would he be concerned about catching it? One never knows what lies behind some people's behaviour.

Why not see a financial advisor to talk through your future needs. He may feel more comfortable if a professional tells him how much money he is likely to need into later life.

Just a thought Debbi58... You say your husband got out of the habit of going out and about with you following Covid. Perhaps he needs "Permission" and encouragement to spend a bit of cash and have some enjoyable outings away from home. You could tell him a change of scenery would be beneficial to his health and doing things together makes for a happier marriage. Good luck.

Susieq62

Germanshepherdsmum
You sound a bundle of joy to be around given the crass comments you tend to make. Some compassion now and again would be appreciated.

Compassion flew out the window - this looks like a direct personal attack. Responses should be to OP. GSM has a right to her opinion and her choice of words is permissible. If everyone had the same perspectives, wouldn't that be a bore?

Perhaps he is cautious after Covid and lockdowns.

It has left some people with lingering anxiety about going out and mixing with crowds of people.

I had a friend who used to go to various groups with me but she won't go now although she will go out in a small group for lunch. I thought she'd lost interest but she said large groups make her nervous now.
I am reluctant to go anywhere on a plane now.

Thank you for all your comments, I had a lovely time in Bath City with my sister's. It made me feel a bit sad that I can't enjoy these things with my husband. I spoke to my sister's and they agreed as a married couple our money should be joint and it is really. I think a part of me , still thinks his pension is his money , therefore he should choose how we spend it. He did ensure I will be financially secure if anything happens to him. However the main thing that I was frustrated about , is I want us to enjoy the money together . It doesn't have to be expensive holidays, or weekends away. But we currently do nothing , we used to do loads together before covid . But not so much the last few years . I know it's hard because of my health , I will talk to him tomorrow and hopefully understand why he's being so cautious

It sounds to me as if there is a control issue going on here. He lifts your spirits by sorting a holiday out with you then crashes you down by changing his mind. The same goes for dining out. You get invitations but he says it's too expensive. Eventually people will stop inviting you out.

Break the pattern now before it's too late. Have you enough of your own money to go on a mid-week or weekend break? I'm thinking of something like a spa or a hotel where you can chill, eat chocolate, drink whatever you like to imbibe, read, listen to music, chat to strangers, people watch and generally chill out. Warners is good for that if you can afford it. Some have spas attached so you can treat yourself even more if you want to. Massage, hot stones, manicure, pedicure etc.

The same goes for evenings out with friends. If he won't go then go without him.

Don't let him crush you and make you lose all your friends.

I've been there and it's no fun.

I'm sorry if I'm misjudging your husband. Only you will know that.

Undines thank you for your comment. From some of the comments it seems I have no value.

I looked for a job and I was so motivated that I was able to build my own savings and buy all luxuries that I ever wanted since he pays for all our bills.
I will be 68 in August, he's 66. I still enjoy working though I have already enough for myself. I think...

Debbi58

I didn't feel I needed to give my life story, it's not my fault some of you jumped to the conclusion, I only married for money . I was simply asking for advice. It is joint money and I have access to some of it, the large bulk is invested. We also have other joint money in shares etc. Our house is also worth a considerable sum . That said , I still want us to enjoy the money together . Of course we talked about our retirement plans , but 2 years on and we haven't done any of that . My health is not good and he's a long term smoker with a constant cough. I just want to enjoy our life and money before it's too late . I guess my only options are to live with it or divorce him.

Debbi58 clarified, they have joint money, she also clarified that she has savings. Choices-- spend together whilst complaining to H to spend or spend on your own hols with sisters. Easy really. No divorce is needed.

If you have children? it could be that he's trying to save his money for them to pass on. My husband is a bit like this. Semi retired, no mortgage with enough savings. It used to be that we have a joint account and he would scrutinize every small expense I make till, he cut me off. It was the Best Thing!

However, we rarely run out of things to talk about. He has his interests and I have mine too.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Germanshepherdsmum
It seems you have no money but want to spend his. How about being grateful that he is keeping you and has been for years, rather than expecting him to take you on expensive holidays. It’s his money, probably accumulated through hard work and being careful, it’s not yours.

Not all marriages are the same as yours GSM. My pension is considerable more than my husbands but we share our money equally. When our 4 children were young we made the decision that I would push ahead in my chosen career while he had lower paying jobs in order to work near home, be on call for childcare etc. Consequently I earned more but he contributed to enabling me to do this, and be home for our kids when I needed to travel for work.

Gosh I would never post on here with a problem! So many judgemental replies! Every marriage is different. In the 'old days' the wife stayed at home and managed the house, the man went out to work, but as I see it that was a partnership. Which means resources are shared. If a wife is a homemaker why should she have no financial rights? Homemaking is an essential, but little respected role, and if that was the OP's role, agreed between the two of them, then of course she has 'rights' when it comes to money and most reasonable husbands would agree - what say you, David49? I'm not sure what the answer is but if I were in the OP's position I think I might become less nice to live with!

I'm with SKATE'S sentiments.

There are some awful comments on here
I was married to someone similar although not wealthy
I had to ask for every penny
It was a way of controlling me
After 5 years I left with others help
We don't know all the circumstances and iy can't be a very happy marriage if her husband is making all the decisions as to what they can do even together
My grandmother paid the deposit for out first house and when that was sold HE bought a business
When we split up I didn't get a penny.as in those days if propety was only on the husband's name the wife got nothing
I wouldn't stay in a marriage like that again

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wow! I have to say that some of these comments have made me feel a complete failure.
I worked when we were first married but stopped when I had the children.
By the time they were all at school their dad was working abroad a lot and I didn’t want them going to strangers before and after school. Had no family to help. I tried some things but I had lost all confidence and looking back I’m sure I had depression though it wasn’t diagnosed until much later.
I found some cleaning jobs and could cope with that. I only have state pension . Dh has a good pension and we have joint accounts. I’m not a big spender but if I want/need something I get it .We can have holidays but we don’t get on very well, different interests etc.so there no point. Ditto going for meals out. We d be sitting in silence.
So you could say I haven’t contributed much but I looked after the children and they were my priority. Until recently I also did all the decorating but not able now. Do most of the garden and deal I with all the bills etc.so I suppose I have been a’kept’ woman.

There are some mean and judgemental comments on here. It seems to me that the OP just wants to have an enjoyable retirement WITH her husband, using money they can well afford. What on earth is wrong with that?? Life is for living, they should be out and about experiencing all that it has to offer whilst they still can. Plenty of time to potter around indoors when physical limitations make outings impossible. I feel very sorry that the OP's husband doesn't see it that way.

Doesn’t sound at all mean to me semperfiddlis just both want different things that’s not a crime on either part but it needs addressing and finding a compromise
Poster says she has money and friends she can do things with but only wants to do themwith her husband who just wants to relax and potter….. just a big old mismatch

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I don't think meanness is an attractive quality in anyone. That's what it sounds like to me.