Feeling so unimportant to my adult kids

Yes fleurpepper or visiting. I find this new phrase 'reaching out' for all types of communication very irritating.

Speaking generally now whenever I see a thread where an OP is worried or upset by the lack of family contact there is often an OH who tells them they are being too sensitive. So Im wondering how many men feel pushed out and devalued in these circumstaces. Does it ever cross their minds? Or do they just get on with life? I suspect the latter.

Sorry you are unhappy. I can relate to this too.

I think many can relate to this.
Dads generally don’t seem as bothered as we mums. I know my dh isn’t.
Best thing is to keep busy with other things and live your life.

I don't think you are 'needy' Philippa. It's natural to want to spend a bit of time with your children whatever their age or circumstances. We only have one child, a daughter. I rarely get invited to go anywhere with her. She goes lots of places with her own daughter and tells me about it. It would be nice to be invited along occasionally but it's never going to happen so I try to get on with my own life. At least we see them now and then.

I actually said to my DD that we hardly ever do anything together. Her reply was that she was so tired after work and then at weekends she shops and does housework. Fair enough I suppose. I remember when I was really busy like her. We older ones probably over think as we have more time on our hands. I do believe though that our AC think we will always be there. And we have to face the fact that we love them more than they love us and that’s how it should be although it’s hard to accept.

Toetoe

My 13 yr old gd was texting recently it was only then she told me the family have a family watsapp text group . I didn't know because I wasn't invited to be part of , 2 years on . Ouch , but then I guess I am not part of and why would I be . ( logical mind talking )

That must have been so painful Toetoe.. I really feel for you and can't imagine why they didn't include you.. I can't bear non-inclusivity

Talk to them, tell them how you feel

I agree with you all about keeping busy.
The crazy thing is that when I am busy, and then she calls and asks me to help with the kids and I have to say no, I feel guilty. So I end up sitting around waiting for her to need me.
As I write it I realize how crazy I must sound.
I do think I am mildly depressed (apparently another "gift" from Long Covid) and am dwelling on the half empty cup when it comes to my DD and my 4 local GCs (who I adore and have a great relationship with) - worrying about why I don't seem more important to them....

We always saw our parents regularly and helped them with any jobs needing doing, we were working and busy too with our children but grandparents were an important part of the family and we happily made time to see them. One set lived a couple of hours drive away with no car so needed picking up and taking back. Which we did. With good grace.
My dd lives half hour away , she hasn’t been to our house this year. Not fallen out but always too busy.
We are mid /late 70 s they don’t have to pick us up, just invite us once in a while. We won’t be around forever.

My first ever post on GN many years ago was asking for help as to why my daughter left me out of everything but went to theatre trips, meals etc with her friend and her mum but not me. I thought she was embarrassed by me. That was about 14 years ago and although this friend is no longer on the scene and things have improved slightly, it's still not great. I think we just have to accept it unfortunately. Skydancer is right. It's hard to accept but I know many mothers in the same position.

I have 4 children 1 local the others a hundred or more miles away (in opposite parts of the country) and 5 children.
I hope it’s useful to share my experience:
-Everyone is different, one of my kids is in touch most days, the others less so, with one of them (a boy) who barely remembers birthdays and Christmas🤣. I have just had to accept who they are and where they are in their lives, which is v busy.
-I don’t think it’s much to do with upbringing as they all had a pretty similar one.
-it’s quite normal to feel sad and don’t let anyone tell you what you should be feeling.
-teenage grandkids have other priorities but in my experience when they are adults, have happy memories of us
So I don’t have any advice as such except allow yourself to feel sad which is possibly exacerbated by your health problems
Try and accept things as they are, and avoid inadvertently making your kids feel guilty (I am sure you don’t ). My ex mother in law was a sad lady for a number of reasons and used to weep at the end of every visit, and implore us to visit more often. It was too hard with 4 children and she lived 200 miles away. But it left my husband and me feeling guilty and a bit helpless, and upset the children.
So allow yourself to feel sad which doesn’t stop you getting on with other things you enjoy, but keep things light with your kids. Good luck

I meant 4 kids and 5 grandchildren aged from 1 to 23!

Great advice Happilyretired123 - will try and keep things light!

Philippa
You say:
I call my 86-year old mother every day, I know how important it is to her.

Maybe they will call you too - once you are 86 (and they know how important it is to you)?

Maybe they see you as still relativeloy busy and OK with a life of your own?

Do you want to chat to your mum everyday?
Or is it out of duty/feeling sorry for her?

I'm not criticising, just wondering.

WhatsApp is our family friend too.
It doesn't interfere with life but helps you feel "in touch".

Toetoe - my adult children have a "siblings" WhatsApp.
My husband and I are obviously not on that one!

Like NotSpaghetti we have a family WhatsApp but the siblings have their own - mainly football related I'm told.

I am so happy that they chat to eachother and hope they will always be friends when I'm gone.

I sometimes feel lonely and abandoned and have to give myself a telling. I know that they know we love eachother. We don't have to be always checking.

I can remember my mum saying wistfully that my cousin phoned her DM daily. I thought that was unnecessary and think mum did too really.

NotSpaghetti you are so right, it's absolutely out of duty that I call her and I would hate my DD to do that.
Sorry for the pity party on here.
I really haven't been feeling great with the Long Covid and I do think mild depression is part of it.
Thank you all for the wonderful support

I can remember my mum saying wistfully that my cousin phoned her DM daily.I thought that was unnecessary and think that mum did too really

I message my DD in Australia weekly. We usually chat for about half an hour, but often struggle to find much to chat about! When you have exhausted the weather, how everyone is, what they are all doing….

As for DS who lives locally, as I said previously, weeks can go by. A friend once said she and her sons ring each other every evening, and they all live locally.

No idea what they all talk about.

Thankyou pascal and not spaghetti for your replies re Watsapp family group.

It's just another sadness to swallow down . I am used to it now

Toetoe - I was just trying to explain that the "family" WhatsApp you talked about is just what my family call "siblings".

Why not create a "Toetoe and family" WhatsApp?
Put everyone in you would like to hear from now and then, and send a "hello" message out to them?

I might say:

"HELLO, this is Toetoe - just wondering what you are all up to? I'm in the garden and just wanted to share this (xxx) with you. (send a photo maybe?)
I thought this was an easy way to keep in touch.
Thinking of you" ❤️

Give it a go. 🍀

Philippa60
I felt very sorry for myself after Covid. It's taken a month to feel more normal.
😕

Be kind to yourself. 💐

Thanks, NotSpaghetti.
Unfortunately I'm stuck with Long Covid since June 2022, and a recent re-infection has made things worse.
I hate being needy and have always been the strong, super busy, almost Superwoman type, but this is now the new me and I find it so hard....

I always took my Mum out either shopping, on holidays, for lunch or eating fish and chips overlooking the sea, which she loved. Frequently my daughter would come with us.

Often staff in shops or cafes would ask if we were 3 generations with Mum about 90, me about 60 and my daughter 30. Some staff got quite tearful and said they would give anything to be able to take their late Mum out for just one day. Mum would be bursting with pride and say “they treat me like the Queen”.

It wasn’t always easy to juggle things around with my husband and son and other commitments but I am so glad we managed it. Precious memories. 🙂