Advice for unhappy wife

Nannimo

Thanks everyone . I really appreciate your replies . It’s a particularly bad weekend - he will calm down eventually but I just want some peace at home . Instead of constant stand offs . He doesn’t talk to me for days after one of these sulks - and then blames me !! Still mulling things over - but thanks again

Sorry, I am going to be no help to you, as I have no solution except for you to leave him. I’m sure a solicitor could advise you. Have you any family who could help you?
My thoughts are with you for what it’s worth.

Nannimo, it's time to go.
Study the advice here, especially Norah's 'ducks in a row '.
I hope you have some family or friends to help support you through this difficult time. Wishing you all the very best for a happier future.

keepingquiet

You have two choices- leave him regardless of the money situation- you will never be as well off as you are now.

Or, stay and build a life for yourself around what things in life make you happy. There are ways of living with controlling people but it takes determination and emotional strength. At least it sounds as if you will be financially secure.

No harm in asking a solicitor's advice. No harm in going for help dealing with his abuse.

It is only your choice

This is what I was going to say.

It won't necessarily be easy, but if he is detached from you anyway, there is little to lose if you build a life without him in it, and keep your interest in the house. Starting again in a new home with little money will be difficult at 71, and why should you have to do that? Let him crack on with his sulks, whilst you go out and do things on your own. If he goes first you will have new friends to support you, and if he doesn't - well, at least you'll have enjoyed your final decades. Buy yourself a heated blanket for the sofa and another for your side of the bed, so at least you are warm. Lakeland have some lovely ones, and if you join their club you get 30% off vouchers a couple of times a year, which will reduce the price a lot.

You could join the U3A, volunteer for whatever floats your boat, set up a book group or lunch club if there are no local ones already - whatever you enjoy doing. Try to be out as much of the day as possible, so his sulks fall on stony ground - you never know, he might miss you and start acting like an adult . If not, well, at least you won't be looking at the piles of 'stuff', and spending time in a house you don't like with a man who is difficult.

I'm sorry you're going through this - in later life we should be happy in the nests we've built over time - but I suspect that leaving will not do you any financial favours at this time of your life.

What wonderful advice Doodledog it’s like a big hug for anyone in a difficult situation. I hope OP digests what you advise it’s meant well.

Golly what a predicament.. he might kick the bucket before you & hopefully, you will get the security & peace you deserve

Mt61

Golly what a predicament.. he might kick the bucket before you & hopefully, you will get the security & peace you deserve

Yes get some advice on the quiet 🤫 then set out your stall. My sister was married to control freak, she went on to have a massive breakdown & lost everything but we, her family got her back on her feet again but she was younger.

Doodle dog
Thank you for your thoughts - it makes good sense to me. I am going to give that a try . Rest assured everyone that my family are very supportive . Without their help over the years I would have had a breakdown for sure .
I am strong! I can do it and get a social life for myself . You are right - why should I give up everything I have worked for just because he has got himself into a mess . He keeps telling me I am a bad wife - for not cooking his meals or changing his bedlinen or hoovering out his bedroom . During these episodes .! Yes we have separate bedrooms - mine is a sanctum of order and peace - his looks like a bomb has exploded - but I just keep the door shut!
Anyway I could go on and on here for ever but I will stop .
Everyone has given me very good advice and different options . To all who said leave him - if I was brave - I would .
But the reality is that I’m not .
I am going to try to fill my life up with positive things as Doodledog had suggested . I am going to give coping with a Manbaby at 71 a try ! It’s so not the retirement I had planned for myself but it might be better than being totally poor. This is the bit that I have real difficulty with and actually choosing that option seems impossible . BUT you never know - I might feel able to do that if nothing improves when I have tried this other path . Love to you all - I have agreed with everything everyone had said ! Now I must take your sound advice and get on with it. I feel I already have some new friends already . Bless you all

That's good to hear Nannimo!
I think Doodledog's idea of electric blankets on your bed and sofa/chair is a good one, and I know you can even get electric throws to snuggle into when relaxing. Perhaps you could set yourself up with a kettle/coffee maker, and maybe even an air fryer (they are brilliant for cooking for one).

Is there another room you could have as your own private space as well, and a bathroom? If so you need not encounter his mess, or him, as often.

Do please keep us updated! Wishing you happiness in the future!

Your husband needs a reality check, if a wife leaves after a long marriage they get half of everything, the house, the pension and any investments.

He needs to come down off his perch and understand what will happen if you divorce him. However don’t underestimate the upheaval divorce causes nor the financial cost, you may not be able to buy your own place afterwards and have a good lifestyle.

your life does not sound rich at the moment.
please seek local support, eg from women's aid and solicitor.
i think you do not realise how much you have been ground down by this situation.
you are surviving, enduring, as if in a temporary war situation, for the duration.
but when will there be the peace.
when will you live.

Nannimo, thank you for coming back and explaining your thoughts. You seem to have responded to suggestions and come up with a plan, so that's great.
Bear in mind, that if you are still unhappy after that, you may then be ready to leave.
Good luck for the next stage in your life.

Nannimo- it sounds as if you have put up with a lot from this man over the years.
I am glad you are getting good support and help.
I think he's the one who needs it! Hoarding can be a sign of trauma, though I suspect no one would have much sympathy for him. He sounds very hard work and mean.

I suspect you are far from alone in this situation- I know a few couples who inhabit different rooms in the house to keep their own peace. It was an option I would have settled for at one time but my partner decided to leave me instead so the choice was gone.

I certainly didn't get the retirement I had planned either (after we sold the house I had to seriously down size and I'm living on the edge now) so I really hope you can make a good enough life for yourself.

Friends are priceless in these situations- appreciate the ones you have and go out and find some new ones!

I wish you all the best.

Cossy

Mental and emotional abuse is just as bad, and sometimes worse, than physical abuse.

My advice, leave! Seek out advice, you don’t mention if you have children, but if you do can you discuss this with them ?

Where is the OP supposed to live if she leaves?
There's no such thing as a reasonably priced 'little flat' these days.
I know of a town house that has recently been converted into four flats. Each flat is rented out at £3,250 per month!!
Look before you leap OP.
I hope you are able to resolve your situation somehow, but do take professional advice before you act.
All the very best for the future.

Good advice given here. If things become unbearable maybe you could apply for social housing? Depending on where you live? Housing benefit maybe if you were struggling financially?

Just a few suggestions to think about…..

Is the house jointly owned?
I ask because my father flatly refused to put the house in both names, and I know now that my mother considered leaving him but her solicitor told her she would find it very hard to get a fair share of the house to enable her to find somewhere to live. (This was many years ago).
Do see a solicitor and find out exactly where you stand.

You may not realise it but you are living with domestic abuse.End the marriage and live what's left of your life free and happy I speak from experience

I'm glad you feel settled in your mind for now, but I'd explore your "back up" possibilities via a solicitor and family chat and tuck the information away in your mind.

The newish No Blame divorce has made it easier in some ways but will still "cost" if both are not on board.

GrauntyHelen

You may not realise it but you are living with domestic abuse.End the marriage and live what's left of your life free and happy I speak from experience

exactly.
it's part of the abuse and gaslighting that you don't see it for what it is.
if you did, you would not tolerate it.

I think you have had some good advice OP.
You are already living separately, so maybe take it further. Stop cooking and cleaning for him - he’s quite capable of doing things himself, he is just too lazy .
See a solicitor and find out your rights. Do you have access to individual money, if so stop paying his bills. Start saving for your future.
Do you have children who can help you emotionally/ tidying the house for sale ?

I would definitely discuss this situation with a solicitor, you are the subject of elder abuse.. someone who denies you proper heating and fills your home with unwanted objects.. a fire risk..

I'm glad your bedroom is a sanctuary, I would definitely get some form of heater in there and an electric blanket, and probably a lock on the door.. and withdraw all domestic services.. If he's willing to do couples counselling then maybe you could draw up some sort of shared living agreement..

and if you wish to leave ,as someone suggested, talk to a Women's Centre if possible..