The division of household labour post-retirement

Doodledog

teach

Mollyb and Indigo8:
Thanks for bringing that up... I wonder if this is a difference between older baby boomers and younger boomers/Gen X? Did older boomers, who maybe didn't work outside the home or perhaps worked part-time, consider the home to be their domain more than the younger ones who probably worked full-time and/or had a career and weren't so willing to start work again when they got home in the evening? Just speculating - I'm a younger boomer who definitely wouldn't take kindly to a man suggesting that he was 'helping' me around the house or 'babysitting' his own kids.

Nor would I! I'd kill him to death if he said that . Luckily for him he doesn't think like that, so I haven't had to.

A (younger) friend was round for coffee and could hear the vacuum going. She looked perplexed, and I said it was Mr D. She said how good he was for doing it, and asked if she was stopping me from getting on. I pointed out that any dust and dirt in the house would be 50% his, so he does 50% of clearing it up. It turned out that he had trodden mud in on his boots and was hoovering it up, but him doing some cleaning is not out of the ordinary - why would it be?

I completely agree Doodledog! If you eat it, wear it, use it or your skin flakes (dust) land on it, then you're equally responsible for it. Same applies to kids!

teach

Mollyb and Indigo8:
Thanks for bringing that up... I wonder if this is a difference between older baby boomers and younger boomers/Gen X? Did older boomers, who maybe didn't work outside the home or perhaps worked part-time, consider the home to be their domain more than the younger ones who probably worked full-time and/or had a career and weren't so willing to start work again when they got home in the evening? Just speculating - I'm a younger boomer who definitely wouldn't take kindly to a man suggesting that he was 'helping' me around the house or 'babysitting' his own kids.

Nor would I! I'd kill him to death if he said that . Luckily for him he doesn't think like that, so I haven't had to.

A (younger) friend was round for coffee and could hear the vacuum going. She looked perplexed, and I said it was Mr D. She said how good he was for doing it, and asked if she was stopping me from getting on. I pointed out that any dust and dirt in the house would be 50% his, so he does 50% of clearing it up. It turned out that he had trodden mud in on his boots and was hoovering it up, but him doing some cleaning is not out of the ordinary - why would it be?

My dh likes to cook , not so keen on washing up !
He doesn't do housework , but I'm keeping an open mind because he is doing major diy ( think new ceilings going up , interior walls etc ) and he does clear up that .

We were both married before so no ingrained habits. My husband in the spirit of self preservation does the cooking and shopping. I do cleaning, laundry, admin etc.
He does DIY and gardening as well. We fell into the roles we felt most comfortable with I think.

seabear:

Each thing in itself is quite petty and small, but it's causing a lot of resentment in me.

It would me, too! I think I'd be tempted to write out the procedure for doing every task and put them in a binder for him! But then I'm not the most tolerant person who ever lived!

GrannyGravy13

DH pays the gardener

I pay the cleaner

Both do what is necessary in between, although he has no idea how the washing machine works or where the iron and ironing board are…

I was interested to see that your husband pays the gardener and you pay the cleaner. This is not a criticism in any shape or form - I am just curious as to why it’s done this way.
When I and my husband both worked, we decided to pay our salaries into a joint account and I insisted that we also had a private account each. The only reason I insisted on this was because on birthdays and Christmas, without a personal account, the money for gifts would come out if the joint account. This meant that, technically, we were paying towards our own present! Then we agreed a ‘personal spending’ amount for each of us which went into our private accounts on paydays. All household bills were paid by direct debit from the joint account. If there was anything left over the end of the month, we agreed whether we would spend it or save it. This worked very well for us and I can honestly say that, in 57 years of marriage, we never once argued about money!

Mollyb and Indigo8:
Thanks for bringing that up... I wonder if this is a difference between older baby boomers and younger boomers/Gen X? Did older boomers, who maybe didn't work outside the home or perhaps worked part-time, consider the home to be their domain more than the younger ones who probably worked full-time and/or had a career and weren't so willing to start work again when they got home in the evening? Just speculating - I'm a younger boomer who definitely wouldn't take kindly to a man suggesting that he was 'helping' me around the house or 'babysitting' his own kids.

Hi. When our children were at home my DH worked long hours, I worked part time so I did most things. His jobs were washing up and helping with the children if he was at home.
When we both retired I had to teach him, he’s not a practical person so he found it hard work. He helps now but to be honest he’s a bit slap dash ! and sometimes I’ve to go over things again. He says I’m too fussy but we are what we are.

healthy not heathy

I do it all , shopping ,cleaning ,cooking gardening paying bills, organising hospital or dr appointments and collecting prescriptions..I did it all before he retired and worked full time. Now following his terminal cancer diagnosis , heart attack and arthritic knees it's still my job . I've done it since 17yrs and at 63 it's not about to change.

Mollyb

Yes husband now does all ironing not just his own. He also vacuums, makes beds, and loads /unloads dishwasher. Previously worked very long hours so only did ironing, and dishwasher when he could.I do washing, he does gardening and pays gardener for the rest. Totally shocked at how many people explain husband "helps" so archaic to assume domestic duties are for the woman only.

I agree Mollyb: it is archaic to assume that housework is exclusively 'women's work' and I was also surprised at the number of GNs who used that expression. I am sorry to say that it is a reflection of how, even in modern society, domestic chores are still viewed, particularly by men.

I think that all heathy, able bodied adults, with opposable thumbs, should be responsible for their own personal hygiene and for their share of household tasks.

I'm struggling with this at the moment. He probably does as much as he's always done, which is quite a lot, but he never does the 'hidden' or extra things. So for example he will load the dishwasher, run and empty it but will never think to clean the filter. He will vacuum but not empty the machine cleaning the bathroom means the sink and floor but not the bath, loo or shower, feeds the cat but never puts fresh water down, or clean his bowls, empty the pepper grinder but not refill it. Each thing in itself is quite petty and small, but it's causing a lot of resentment in me.

Plus I do all bills, banking etc! Not totally frivolous!

My husband has taken over all the washing, which I used to do before. I generally cook and he washes up/does the dishwasher.
He does all house and garden maintenance. I do the online order and little bits if shopping, and tidy up, but we now have a cleaner! I have to admit, he really does much more than me in the house. I play the piano and float around with my friends and enjoying days out and hobbies. We both read. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty, but having worked full time for decades and raised 3 children I am enjoying my life now.

Many thanks to everyone who's contributed since my last check-in - much appreciated.

madmeg:
Actually, it wasn't meant to be light-hearted - I've been reading 'All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers and the Myth of Equal Partnership' by Darcy Lockman, which lead me to thinking about the division of labour after retirement when children were (mainly) out of the home and wondered how people were handling it.

You have my full sympathy madmeg and I thank you for sharing. You sound much more patient than I fear I would have been in the circumstances!

Cabbie21

DH did a bit more of the cooking. He shared the meal planning and shopping as he had particular dietary requirements. We agreed he would do his own ironing, but then he decided his shirts didn’t need ironing after all! No housework, but he could mend anything. He did all the “ men’s work” as he put it - a standing joke, but true.

Shame he didn’t tell you years ago that his shirts didn’t need ironing.
My not retired DD NHS has polos to wear for her uniform. During covid her boss took her aside to say she hadn’t ironed her polo, she asked him who had ironed his, they both knew it wasn’t him. He has never spoke about it since and she still doesn’t iron.

Yes husband now does all ironing not just his own. He also vacuums, makes beds, and loads /unloads dishwasher. Previously worked very long hours so only did ironing, and dishwasher when he could.I do washing, he does gardening and pays gardener for the rest. Totally shocked at how many people explain husband "helps" so archaic to assume domestic duties are for the woman only.

This might be a long reply - sorry!

IN THEORY, we have always shared the tasks. DH is very willing. BUT he has always had to be told of almost everything that needs doing (including in the garden, with cars, with anything DIY-style) and is painfully slow. His mother warned me of that before we married. I thought she was joking! He even has to be told to move or put away things he has been using and now finished with.

In my 30s, with two tiny children, I was diagnosed with scoliosis which initially meant I was in permanent agony. I designated several more difficult "physical" tasks to him, such as vacuuming and window cleaning. 40 years on and I would estimate he has vacuumed the main carpets no more than twice a year, and spare bedroom etc never. He does not know that rooms have edges, skirting boards or cobwebs on ceilings. I struggled myself to do them, but once the kids left home we have confined ourselves to the hall and one downstairs room and we ignore the others unless we have visitors. Then, of course, it is a mammoth task and nearly kills me.

I "only" worked part time when the girls were young and did almost all housework and the garden, washed the car etc. I became pretty handy with a saw and a drill too.

I once let him loose with the household finances (mainly to make sure he could manage without me) and we were overdrawn within the month. He has no idea how much we have, but fortunately isn't much of a spender.

He doesn't even see that the lawns need mowing unless I tell him. When I worked full time (and it was 60 hours a week during term-time and not much less out of term) almost all cleaning/maintenance was ignored apart from essential stuff

Needless to say, the garden is often overgrown, the house is untidy, only the main rooms are clean (but in a mess), and it depresses me.

Once we retired, rather than any re-think of the workload, I simply took over almost everything I could manage apart from mowing the lawns and loading/unloading the dishwasher.

I would gladly move to a much smaller house but DH won't hear of it. He simply doesn't notice what a mess everything is - and I really mean a mess - but I can't manage a 10-room house with 3 bathrooms, utility etc myself. Oh, he used to cook at times but since the children left (25 yrs ago) has only every done ready-prepared food.

I do despair, but what can I do?

Sorry for all that cos I imagine the OP meant it to be light-hearted. Perhaps the fact that I've spent all of this year having cancer treatment and still had almost no help from him has made it all seem worse.

We have always shared everything. Change the bed together. Yesterday DH did the ironing . Only difference is DH now does more cooking, and he’s quite good at it.

my OH always worked long hours before we retired, after we retired he took his turn at hoovering, ironing,,,no window cleaning..he never was a great cook, but took his turn a making super, I always cooked the dinner...sadly he now has Alzheimers and forgets how to do a lot of things,,but he can still make a cuppa for me..and his main job now is to do the dishes

My Dh has always helped around the house as we both worked at the same company but then he joined the police so worked shifts so the routine changed slightly but 42+ years later it still works

No, not upon retirement, as whilst we were working we both cooked, shopped and had divided cleaning between us - DH hoovered, I washed floors.

He did household repairs and I attended to laundry, as this suited our preferences.

As DH's health deteriorated, I had to take over more and more of all the household tasks and finished up doing a great many tasks involving screws and screwdrivers under his guidance, where "normally" I would have left him to get on with it.

Spare a thought for those of us on our own who have no choice and have to do the blue and pink jobs.
For those who do not know how to do some of the things in the house that your partner currently does, do a swop now and again as one day , one awful day there will just be one of you and although terrible it will be a little bit easier if you have some idea about doing the non you jobs.

No nothing changed except maybe he comes shopping now. He has always helped around the house, putting the washing, ironing,, cleaning the bathroom etc and anything he saw that needed doing. One in a million

Not much change really as MrJ is still working p/t, I retired five years ago, we both do the washing, bung the vacuum round, clean bathrooms.
he’s always done the ironing. I cook, he clears up, I run the house financials, he does odd diy jobs, bigger things we get someone in, I garden he helps with some aspects. It works and is unlikely to change when he retires.