My "cousin" (ie aunt) does know what my father is like - so I doubt she'd be surprised at all to hear me comment on this. Reason - my father is a very straightforward person/pretty highly principled/etc (a thing that my mother wasnt too keen on - but she knew they differed in that respect). She was secretive. Him - if he thought he probably said it....
BlueBelle
Well you ve absolutely no idea,she could easily have been an older mother
My maternal gran had my Dad ( one of five) 10 years after her last child and her first child my dads eldest brother was already left home and married and had his own children by the time my Dad was born
I really can’t understand how you can take for gospel a throw away remark from someone who doesn’t even know your family !!! Really strange on your part
Maybe it might be strange for some people to think "That's It!" when told that......but there are some of us who are quite good at reading body language and/or have some level of "intuition".
Yep...to both categories in my case. I have (deliberately) learnt over the years to be pretty reasonable at reading body language. Also I have got used over the years to my intuition telling me things I have no logical way of knowing and acting accordingly (the most useful was when I took in lodgers years back and knew I needed to race home right NOW the day after a new one moved in, as my house was at risk). I took 15 minutes to race home....she had gone out 15 minutes before and (albeit accidentally) did not take care to shut my front door to properly before locking it and it was wide open to any passing burglar. So - yep...intuition told me instantly she was right when she said that....and I just hadn't seen it sooner because I'd taken it as right I'd been told the truth by my mother....
I would definitely leave well alone!
My neighbour always thought his older sister was his actual mother. There’s 22 years between them. Ofcourse he didn’t tell me this. He passed away a few years ago . His wife pops in to me for a chat and she recently mentioned it.
Well you ve absolutely no idea,she could easily have been an older mother
My maternal gran had my Dad ( one of five) 10 years after her last child and her first child my dads eldest brother was already left home and married and had his own children by the time my Dad was born
I really can’t understand how you can take for gospel a throw away remark from someone who doesn’t even know your family !!! Really strange on your part
It doesn't unduly bother me - I just accept what I've now been told (by that indirect route of someone my parents had never met - ie a work colleague of mine) and think "Well my mother was always extremely reserved to everyone - including me. On the other hand my "aunt" seemed to have rather a different temperament and her daughter (my "cousin") is not my definition of a prude - well she had come from a very different mother to my own and so I guess that's not surprising that "cousin" is someone that would call a spade a "bl**dy shovel" imo LOL.
I only know my "grandmother" wanted to give my mother away to be brought up by that awful order of nuns that are notorious for how they treated the children in their "care" when my "grandfather" died when she was 4 years old or so - because my father explained to me one time that that is what "grandmother" had tried to do, but "grandfather" did like children and he was in the Freemasons and so when "grandfather" died so early in her life they stepped in and stopped "grandmother" doing that (visions of a group of Freemasons turning up on "grans" door and saying "How much money do we have to tempt you with to make sure you keep bringing up your grandchild to adulthood?").
My father told me that much because he said to me "There's something you need to know - in order to understand your mother" (ie he knew we weren't close to each other ever) and she's most definitely my mother....but I guess I was visibly wondering why she didn't feel like a mum to me (once I'd met some other peoples mums), but he did feel like a dad to me. So he thought he'd better tell me something to help explain how she was....
As I tell people "I'm from a line of women who didn't want children - and in my case we'd reached the 1970s (ie the Pill and, if I'd needed it, legal abortion) and therefore it stopped with me".
This was not uncommon.
How much does it bother you or others in the family?
It sounds as if the person who told you wasn't privy to this secret, just making a guess.
My own thoughts are that as your mum has died, and as you say, it doesn't affect you directly, to let their secret rest with them. Would you feel a lot better if you hd it confirmed - and would your aunt / cousin or anyone else be able to do that?
It also sounds as if you don't see her very much - if you do, you could raise it obliquely. "Aunty P was especially fond of my mum....."
But maybe, just accept that everyone involved did what they thought best at the time.
My sons were 17 and 20 when their little brother was born, I do hope no one thinks he isn't mine. Actually thinking about it my dad was 20 years older than his youngest sibling, believe me my very religious granny was telling no lies about that and my father and his other sisters remembered her being born.
Maybe your suspicions are right, maybe they aren't. Does it matter now? Perhaps just think how sad it must have been for "Aunty P" and how it affected her and your mother. Addressing a Christmas card seems a small issue in comparison.
Position!! Apologies.
Family may already know, in your post I would let sleeping dogs lie.
Just that - and it's not something that bothers me.
But am curious about it.
My parents were both 1930's babies and, as a child, I was told "That woman is your mothers mother and your mothers father died many years ago. That there is your mothers elder sister and therefore your aunt. That is your aunts child and therefore one of your cousins".
I did wonder why my mothers "brothers and sisters" were all pretty much similar ages to each other and then there was a big gap (17 years) between my mothers "elder sister" and her. I did wonder why my "cousin" (ie a daughter of my "aunt") was so much older than me. So quite a bit of wondering - but just accepted what I'd been told by my mother. My mother wasn't the sort of person one could talk to very much - she was very reserved/private/etc. My father was a very different temperament and much more open etc - but he would have said the same as my mother did and I only ever got a couple of clues from his direction - but he didn't tell me how things had been.
It was only pretty recently that someone I knew looked at the family photo album my mother had given me and, when she came to the photo of my mother, her "elder sister", a couple of her "elder brothers", my "grandmother" that they took a close look at it. Then they said "Did you realise that in that generation there were a noticeable number of illegitimate children born and sometimes they were brought up in that family and their grandmother acted like their mother?"
The second she said that to me - I took a good look at the photo too and I could See It and I knew she was right in what she'd spotted and I hadn't been "told it like it is". I could see that "Aunty P" was looking at my mother as she would view a daughter and not as one would view a younger sister, etc, etc. "Gran" was not looking in the slightest like a gran and was clearly two generations older than my mother. I had also wondered why my "Gran" (as I'd been told) had had her last child (my mother) so late on (ie nearly 50).
So I can see it now and I'm not bothered. Just thinking that that certainly explains a few things.
Admits to wondering when I send my annual Christmas card to my "cousin" whether I should make some sort of (jokey) comment addressing her as "Aunt her-name". We don't really know each other - I was a bridesmaid of hers when I was a little tot, have only met her a few times over the years and knew she was a favourite of my mothers - and accordingly sent her one of my mothers rings as a keepsake when my mother died (which she seemed to be very pleased with). My "cousin" (now aunt it seems) isn't anyone's idea of prudish I gather and hence me always very surprised how my reserved mother obviously liked her - as I'd got the impression my "cousin" would make a vicar blush LOL.
Wonders if I should just leave it and think "Well I was lied to for years - but I guess it doesn't impact me afaik. Might as well just keep addressing those Christmas cards to "cousin"/aunt as her first name/married surname and leave it at that. My suspicion is that my "cousin"/aunt probably knows or has figured it out herself.....
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