Any advice on how to forgive?

You really don’t need to forgive her. You just have to accept that it happened and you can do nothing to change that. You just need to be there for your son and family.
My eldest DD is divorced from a very controlling man. He changed after they were married , as these sort of people do. Although obviously they hide their true nature beforehand.

He totally destroyed her self confidence and that of my DGS who was 8 when they divorced.
Now 14 years later DD is with a lovely partner who over the last 10 years has restored her confidence, puts her first and who DGS loves. He sees his father on his own terms and has grown to realise the sort of man he is.

I ‘ll never forgive her ex for what he put them through but I rejoice in her happiness now.

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Smileless2012

A narcissist thinks only of themselves. They may lack empathy but they are not blind to the pain and suffering they cause others, they simply don't care.

Summed- up beautifully Smileless2012! 😏

‘The other person is walking around unaware of how their behaviour affects others, so they will not change.’

I have to disagree here Philippa111. They know very well the damage and hurt they cause and thrive on it.

Ps, you learn to suck it up for the sake of children, but it comes at a cost health wise for sure.

Very sad to hear this LR10. We have been dealing with this vile issue in our family for over 10 years. It’s so hard, people who don’t have experience of how NPDs operate have very little idea of how painful and destructive it is. My heart goes out to you. If only it was as simple as moving on after the split, but this is impossible if children are involved. We will never ever forgive the woman who tried to destroy our son, personally and professionally and continues to do so by telling lies. She’s brutal and physically hurt him too but tells the story the other way round, as is their way. We keep civil for our grandchild’s sake and will do so always, despite our hurt. I wish your family the very best.

Has she asked for your forgiveness?

If she hasn’t, you will not be able to forgive her.

You can let it go though, but it takes a lot of determination.

I, and some former colleagues, were very badly done by some years ago. Had it not been for friends and family it would have ruined us financially and we would have lost our home. We were not at fault. My former boss behaved appallingly and caused substantial financial hardship for over 100 people.

I was very angry. An older and wiser colleague told me to let it go and reminded me that my anger would turn to bitterness if I didn’t let it go. It took time and determination but I consider it to have been some of the best advice I have ever been given.

Leave the past in the past and mentally walk away. Good luck 💐

I wouldn't forgive her! That feeds her behaviour. You all need to move on and get on with your lives. She should go to hell

Its past. Your son is free of her. Why do you need to forgive, you don't want her as a friend,

A narcissist thinks only of themselves. They may lack empathy but they are not blind to the pain and suffering they cause others, they simply don't care.

Tbh I am not sure if your ready to forgive do you have to see her or have her in your life ?? I you don't I would suggest concentrating on your own healing some things are hard to understand or forgive leave it for now you'll know when you have no feelings one way or the other that this person is of no really consequence you will be past the forgiving stage and do you really need to when it feels so hard now xx good luck with the terrible ordeal you are coping with

Thank you. I'm in a similar situation with my older sister who caused years of destruction to the family.

Narcissistic personality disorder is an illness. And yes these people can do a lot of damage. Therapy usually doesn’t make much difference should they even want it. Sadly they see everyone else as the problem and are not capable of self reflection.

If it is someone with a physical ailment we find it much easier to understand. Mental illness of this kind is much much harder.

Some people say pray for the person for 21 days. Or hand them over to God or a higher power as you understand it You have understood that having your heart closed off and being unable to forgive is hurting you. Ultimately the stress of it can make you unwell.

The other person is walking around unaware of how their behaviour affects others, so they will not change.

Some say that forgiveness is not necessary to be able to move on and letting go of resentment and anger is enough and focusing on the fact that the person them self is very unwell can help.

You need to look to your own wellbeing and understand fully that the only person you are hurting is yourself and the only person who can bring equilibrium to you is you.

It’s a difficult task and it takes time but it can bring a lot of rewards. The main one being inner peace.
I wish you well with it.

My ex son in law is a very cruel narcissistic man. What he has done to his children, continues to do to them and my daughter makes me feel sick. I will never forgive and just try to forget him and move on and hope and pray my gorgeous GC are not left too scarred by having him very much (due to a Court Order) in their life and as they grow up they will see in for what he is and walk away from him.

NPD individuals only love themselves and are so cruel and vile if crossed. They believe they are superior to everyone else and can do no wrong. Stay well away is my advice if you can.

Why forgive just leave in the past.

One other thought re this - that I use myself when seeing bad behaviour of any description. I remind myself that Earth is a planet with people of all levels of "development" (and none....) on it and that includes many of a lower level. The evidence is there any time one turns on the news - and sees just how many wars are being fought across the globe (last time I saw a total of them it said it's 22!!!). There's huge disparities of wealth and power. One can't go a week without one or more thieves (scammers) sending you an email or making a phonecall to you attempting to steal from you etc etc.

Thank goodness there are some more advanced/nicer/more honest people too!

So personally I just think "That's the way it is on this planet - there's one heck of a lot of young souls - as well as the decent ones" and that helps maintain a certain level of detachment I find - as I just shrug shoulders and think "That's living on Earth for you.....I'm not making that mistake again (ie coming back for another life here - yep...I'm one of those people that believe in reincarnation)". It helps me personally to "shrug - and let go".....

So I just go:
"They're a narcissist - they're young"....shrug
"They're a thief - they're young"....shrug
"They're a warmonger - they're young"....shrug.

icanhandthemback

*Pascal*, BPD (or Emotional Disregulation Disorder) is different from Narcisstic Personality Disorder although there may be crossovers in traits.

This is true. It’s also true that those involved in working or close relationships with people with these disorders are in for a rough time

Pascal, BPD (or Emotional Disregulation Disorder) is different from Narcisstic Personality Disorder although there may be crossovers in traits.

Well I can truly empathise with everything you’ve said about you’re narcissistic dil , I’ve exactly to the letter gone through the same experience, It’s very difficult to believe that these people come into our lives and blithely destroy them , with absolutely no conscience of what they do , Very clever and so manipulative, nannimo is absolutely right ,I am recovering but the scars and the damage will last , but I am in a better place , with time ,Good luck , I’ve found being able to remove myself from her completely , has been the only way , Like has been said it’s NOT YOU ITS THEM

Sounds like she’s been thoroughly demonised! Try to remember her for the years when everything seemed ok, and therefore effectively WAS ok.

I'm not suggesting an "armchair diagnosis" just saying that narcissistic traits are easily recognisable and if you are unlucky enough to have a narcissist in your life it helps to have some idea of why they do the things they do and how to cope with them. Lots of mental illnesses go undiagnosed because the sufferers do not recognise that they are ill. This is particularly true of personality disorders, of which NPD is only one.

I don't believe in armchair diagnoses, I'm afraid.

Just a comment to those who think we should not label a person without a medical diagnosis....in the case of a narcissist it is very unlikely they will ever get a formal diagnosis because THEY don't ever think there is anything wrong with THEM so will never seek medical help. There is plenty of information online about the behaviours of such people so there's nothing wrong in recognising those traits in people around us. Regarding your dil, just stay away. Even medical professionals have a hard time "treating" people withNPD. The hardest thing is to have to live with such a person. Luckily your son is now free and may need your understanding and support. So don't worry about "forgiving" her, it's not necessary.

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. You do not have to forgive her. Simply, you do not deserve to be hurt any more. Live well is the best revenge!

Use the prayer above

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