I've been foolish

This is from last year! I wonder what happened?
I wouldn’t tell DH and I’d get rid of the sh** man.
It’s not worth the hassle and get a dog.

I think you know this is a mistake. Fortunately, it's perfectly recoverable by you with no harm done. You're still in control.

I've seen too many women jump from the frying pan to the fire. What stood out from your description of AP, is he " finds communication difficult. "
Isn't that the same problem you and DH have? Somehow, he hasn't got the message about what you so badly need from him; emotional comfort and reassurance through touch.

I think AP's "lack of communication" is also going to disappoint your emotional needs.

His lack of money, is going to disappoint too. You're used to, and appreciate and value the domestic physical comforts and security DH provides.

I suspect that when you and AP progress to the stage of tiffs and differences as every relationship does, he will NOT offer what you're used to from DH ( rock solid unquestioning commitment ) .

Don't rush into any explanations/ confessions/guilty feelings to either man.

You are your own woman, and you're in the driving seat . Take your time.

I just noticed this was an old post. Oh well.....

I would say there are two separate issues. Your marriage: where it is and what the future looks like if nothing changes. Then this other man. Is he the sort of person you would like to be with. Will he be there for you through thick and thin or when/if you can no longer have or want sex?

Honestly i think deceiving your DH is not ok and disrespects him and undermines the vows you made at marriage. It doesnt make you a terrible person, but you are responsible for the choices you're making. I hope you can find a way of moving forward with a clear conscience and peace. 39 years of marriage is worth a lot and you and your DH could come through this. Love and good wishes x

Advice from one who has been there. Don't leave your DH and don't let him find out. Too much heartbreak and regret. Ask your DH whether there is a health issue, as this may be of concern to him and tell him again that you miss intimacy, even if just cuddles.

kircubbin2000

You sound as if you have solved your loneliness problem. Don't consider leaving as this man is only a fling but don't tell your husband as there is no need to upset him.

I’ve been married for almost 30 years and whatever our situation, and it’s not been easy like many married couples we’ve had our ups and downs, but I’d NEVER have casual sex on the side simply to satisfy my desire for intimacy, but still allow my husband to find my lifestyle.

It’s cheating, no other way of looking at it.

Decide what’s really important to you and either finish your affair or leave your marriage!

You seem to feel that your AP is about to leave you so a bet on him sounds to me like a bet on the wrong horse.
I agree with the posts that advise not telling your husband but you need to decide what you want soon.
There's a question of fairness to your husband as well.
Watch out your husband could find out despite your best efforts , then they might both ditch you. How would your life be then ?
Don't make yourself unhappy for a quick fling.
Good Luck

I don't agree with what you did, being pushed away because you re partner is having a rough few years is never an excuse for cheating. however I see you both having a hard time and telling him isn't going to make anyone feel better. hope you both wok this out xx

Don’t mention this to your husband and try and find the strength to finish it with the other man. You’re not in love with him, it’s infatuation (understandable given you’re in a relationship without physical intimacy.)
You have to decide what’s important; if your DH makes you happy in other ways then you stand to lose a lot by leaving him.
I’ve been single for a couple of years and my sex drive is non-existent (from having been a very sexual woman.) I think companionship is far more important but only you can decide. The other man however does only sound like he’s in it for a fling and if you develop feelings for him, will run to the hills.
It would be something else altogether if you decided you couldn’t live with the lack of intimacy from your husband and decided to leave your husband but there is no-one else involved. Have you tried couples counselling?

HazelEyes are you just picking out quotes?
I'm confused.

Maybe I missed something but you are using "I" a lot in the posts above.
(Are you maybe the OP in a different guise?)

I don’t think the OP is reading anymore ( if she ever did)
OP posted 9th November. Then no more posts.

Don't be too hard on yourself for what has happened. After 39 years and still needing affection you must feel so alone. I can understand how you could be tempted by someone who is affectionate, but sadly I can see you could end up with nothing at all and on top of that the guilt {which you don't deserve). If this were me, I would go away somewhere on your own for perhaps a week or so. When you're away from a difficult situation, you'll be able to see things a bit clearer and hopefully make the right decision for you and your DH. I've been alone for many years after leaving my husband. It is a very lonely life and sometimes I think I would have been better off staying, even though it was hard. Good luck for the future. I hope things will be ok in the end.

I can never understand this type of situation.
If you are unhappy with your partner/husband/wife and feel you want a life free of them LEAVE.
Don't start an affair, that is the last thing I would do it totally complicates everything.
Most men I suspect can happily sleep around with no intensions of a long term relationship. He may see you as someone who is looking for a casual affair.
I would personally never put myself in a situation where a man could be using me.
The reality may be very different to the beautiful amazing affair you are having.

I agree and yes there are medications that can help.

Flings aren't a compliment, there are always men who want sex and they would pay for it if you didn't accomodate them.

Worth talking to your husband about getting some pills. He wil have to do it because he will need to talk tothe pharmacist. IF you tell him you're going out of your mind and tempted to stray he might put his embarassment to one side and have that chat with the pharmacist.You can do it online first so its not that embarassing.

Id work on your marriage and dump Mr User.

Your husband's lack of intimacy at his age may not be his fault. This can be very depressing for a man. At his age he may need medication to be active physically. If intimacy is the only problem between you, the two of you can seek medical and psychological help rather than give up on your marriage. Its not worth leaving a 39 year marriage for a fling.

Have you thought about going to a spa and taking some time to be alone? You say you've always put all your earnings in the joint account, but what is it for?

If you two are just accumulating money and not actually spending it or having any joy or pleasure in life, it must be boring. Maybe the answer is not either man, but finding things to enjoy yourself? I think that if a man is not married by the time he's in his 40's he might not be willing to or emotionally available.

You could get hurt if you get closer to him. Morals aside because others have said that, but take some time for you. You've worked hard all your life and put your inheritance and wages into the joint account. Now take some out and use it to pamper yourself and get a counsellor to help you move forwards in a way that feels authentic. Don't be a cheat or let yourself be used for sex only. He can get a sex doll for that or let him pay a pro if that's all he wants.

You should get some legal advice too, because you need to decide if you want to take a risk of your husband finding out. If you are the one to be unfaithful, you may not get half his pensions? Best to check. Your future matters and your happiness depends on t.

Why not write the affair person out of the equation, and leave your husband.

That's not to say you'll never get to be with the affair man, but for now.
Strike out on your own, based on the fact that you don't want a cold, unfeeling relationship, which is understandable.

@JaneJudge
It's more than DH not wanting intimacy temporarily . It's forever.

@MissAdventure
don't want to give up the lifestyle DH affords me? I have been a 'good' wife for 39 years, never looked at another man. Worked and put all earnings in the joint account, received a considerable inheritance and put this in the joint account. Will receive a considerable inheritance in the future. Married young and brought up kids sacrificed any career for myself. Didn't look after my pension because DH said his private pension was mine too. If we split, I'm sure I'm due half the assets and half his pension. But could I leave him, probably not. So, if we were to part with DH I would still be financially well off.

@NannyPT
I agree AP may feel protected from ever making any sort of commitment. I need to see it as just a fling and not feel bad about it. Just to be touched and wanted is amazing.

@Eugenia
DH is 13 years older than me and has tried viagra but it's his not wanting the closeness that I find so hard. Even just close cuddles, He won't seek help from his GP, it could be high blood pressure etc but he blankly refuses to get checked out in any way. I know he lives me but it's not a companion I want, I can have that with friends.

@BlueBelle
You've nailed it the two complete the picture and yes AP (Affair Partner) has been deeply hurt in the past and is very complicated. He gives me hints as to his feelings but that's just not enough. As things stand I could not consider living with him, that part is fantasy. I don’t think DH would want to know but may choose to ignore.

After not having a physical relationship with your DH for so long I think you have become infatuated with this new man because of the physical side of things, after all you say he isn’t good at communication so other sides to this relationship are probably lacking and will become annoying in time.
Also this new man doesn’t sound as invested as you in this relationship, probs he just enjoys the physical side of things too.
Obviously this is not an ideal foundation for a lasting relationship.
Thing is this isn’t making you happy so if I were you I would end the affair and try to work on your marriage, am not sure why the physical side of things has dwindled but you both need to have a full and Frank conversation about this. As men age they can suffer from all kinds of underlying health probs that can affect their libido, a trip to the GP might be a good start.
All the best 🌹

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Good post Smileless2012. If the boot were on the other foot and a husband was behaving like this we would all be appalled. I’m with the minority.

You only have an affair if there is something wrong in your marriage. If you are happy you don’t.

No, I couldn't either FGT.

I couldn’t live with the guilt quite honestly.