Son asking me if he should marry his partner

Perhaps he should talk to her about this. Give her a chance to see if she wants to meet half way. Or if she can even change her own attitude to "grow up". They shouldn't waste time either way.

If he has doubts don't do it.

I don't understand why everyone has jumped to negative conclusions about the OP's son.

He is aware she never wants to talk about any of the serious or darker issues in their lives, such as their differing attitudes to money/finance She just wants problems to “go away”.

We all know, once you have a family you cannot do this.

It is this attitude which is immature in my opinion.

That said, if this was my son I'd be a listening ear to his thoughts and maybe ask careful questions but I'd suggest he speaks to his girlfriend to see how they might navigate these problems in future.

If she won't/can't engage then it's up to him to decide if he can carry the burden of the "difficult stuff" on his own and let her do her own thing?
If he knows she's head-in-the-sand before hand at least he can think about it.

PS. The only mountaineer I have ever known was a lovely person but definitely did the mountaineering as an "escape from reality".

If he has to ask I would say no, think he should have thought before buying a house with her tbh
Also think she should run …

Is he asking permission or just using someone he trusts as a sounding board? Better speak to his mum than one of their mutual friends. It's a difficult decision and I guess you need to listen to him processing rather than give advice. X

At his age, if he has to ask you, he’s not ready.

But I do agree with him on this - being able to talk your partner about all subjects and topics is important. You should be on the same intellectual level so you don’t become bored. If a woman only talks about clothes and cooking, I would find her boring myself - and vice versa! I don’t want him to only talk about work.

I think what’s missing in this pairing is humor! Do they have FUN?

There seem to be a couple of big red flags in this relationship - (1) their different attitudes to money and (2 ) their attitudes to having children. I don't think a marriage should go ahead while these issues remain unresolved.

"He voiced his doubts, to us his parents" perhaps the title of the thread is causing confusion. Voicing doubts to his parents as stated in the OP isn't asking if he should get married and the conversation was with both parents, not just his mother so I do think saying he's a 'mummy's boy' is unfair.

If he isn't going to commit he owes it to her to end it now. Her time is limited if she wants children, he has all the time in the world.

Having three sons and a daughter I can hand on heart tell you that not one of them has ever asked me or their dad if they should marry their partner. Very odd! If he doesn’t know his own mind yet at his age and what he wants he never will a mummy’s boy comes to mind . She should run

foxie48

Both of my daughters discuss major decisions with me, neither are asking for advice as such but they like to use me as a sounding board. I find listening, asking reflective questions and being non judgemental gives them time and space to come to a decision. Neither you nor anyone else knows how well any relationship really works so he has to make his own decision and take responsibility for it.

I think this is good advice.

I think it’s important to be able to resolve conflict, especially about big issues like money. If someone won’t talk about problems that would be a red flag to me. Problems don’t just go away. So in your position I would be advising him to make sure, before proposing to anyone, that as a couple they can resolve conflicts through civilised conversation. (Perhaps he could tell her he thinks this is essential before getting married and see if she will try it.)

I am very surprised that some people would advise a woman to have children without knowing if her partner is committed or not. There is so much research showing the harm that parental break-ups does to children. I think this would be a very unfair thing to do.

As per my earlier post, has he actually asked for advice, or has mother just asked him why he’s not married?

I would ask him to consider two facts. One, if he is not sure he wants to commit to marriage it is inadvisable to buy a house with his girlfriend, and quite wrong of him, not to tell her that he is not ready to have a family.

At her age, she has no time to wait for him to change his mind about having children, so he owes it to her to be perfectly frank if he does not want a family.

Then she can consider if she wants to find a man who will father her children.

From what you say, your son's reservations are so serious that he probably should not marry this woman, but neither you, his father or anyone else should influence him. He has to make up his own mind, and in fairness to her dicuss these issues with his partner.

I agree with Gillycats - if you need to ask then the answer should be no.

Everyone needs someone to talk things through with and I think it is nice he feels he can talk with you and his Dad. You are the people who care most about him after all. He obviously trusts you and can be open with you which shows a good relationship between you all I would say.
He has perhaps been someone who has been slower than others to go through different stages in life and is maybe a bit of an over thinker but maybe he just needs some reassurance to take the next step.
Of course you must make it clear it is his decision.
Nobody is ever going to be the perfect partner for another person. It is how you deal with differences and work on your partnership that matters.
You could him explore the issues while not telling him what he should do.
Good luck to you all.

If he's having doubts I wouldn't encourage him, just be neutral and let him make his own mind up. If she wants children, why not have them, will marriage change him at all. It seems daft to tie the not If he's not 100% sure and is a bit of a free spirit. Good luck. X

I feel sorry for her. He's no catch , it's almost like he is saying he is above her intelligence wise.

Immature

if he wanted to do his own thing in his 20’s why shouldn’t he?

Because his own thing was dossing around and doing pot!
Fine if he was self funding, he could do as he liked. But if he was claiming benefits, or living off his parents, then that’s exactly why he should not do his own thing.

I once treated a DS girlfriend as if she was his forever partner. I was quickly told it was not to be.

After that I stopped "investing" involvement with his partners and didn't meet the next ones. Then we were introduced to "the one". It was so lovely. They've been married 20 years with DC nearly grown.

Margomar He'll know when he wants to settle down with his own family. It may be never.

I agree with newnanny. He is 43 not 18, whatever culture he comes from.

I'm not sure whether the poster means a climber when she says mountaineer but from my knowledge of climbers they are thoughtful and careful.. they need to be.. so I expect this woman and the son are probably very compatible..

If he has to ask his Mum he isn't sure and so shouldn't marry her. If I was her I'd be fuming my partner who I loved with asked his Mum if he should marry or not. He sounds immature and a Mummy's boy.

Gosh I am sorry to read so many negative remarks. In some cultures it is quite in order to ask elders for advice in such matters and I think it is touching your son does this and in fact may show more 'maturity' than lots of people who are 'sure' yet divorce a few years later. He sounds a thoughtful man very deep, and such often do not grow up till much later. Also the dope has long-term effects. He's doing well, now having a profession and a house, and with his deep nature will probably be a good, if self-doubting, dad. If he were to have a partner like him they would probably talk each other into a state of depression - this woman may be just what he needs, and she surely has the common sense to see what he is like. He needs to find friends with whom he can have the kind of soul-searing discussion that his partner avoids. Men like that over-think, and he may never be able to say to himself he totally loves her, but their life together may say it for him. In your position I would share my thoughts, clarifying the issues as much as you can without actually saying yes or no - and obviously tell him that he's not to blame you for whatever happens!! I repeat, many, many people, so-called intelligent, mature and settled, feel absolutely sure about a marriage that later goes ping-tong. I truly hope for all your sakes this turns into a contented marriage with lovely grandchildren for you to enjoy!

Yes, if he isn't sure about marrying her and it didn't work out I'd be worried that he might blame you.
Personally I think it's a mistake to marry unless you are really sure you're in love. But perhaps a woman of 37 is feeling fertility pressures? Not a good reason for marriage.