Son asking me if he should marry his partner

Whilst he may chose to tell you his thoughts about things, you should steer clear of making any comment as you are on a hiding to nothing. It is their lives and it is up to them to make their own decisions, but he is looking to you to give him advice and if he really needs your advice at his age that is very immature. Whatever you say , can come back to bite you later. Steer clear or just tell him to grow up. The only practical advice I would give is to have two pieces of paper. ON one write all the positives and on the other the negatives., folding the paper over after each comment. Put the papers away for a few weeks and then take them out and look at them and see what things group together and gives you some ideas. But other than that steer clear!!!

When it comes to romantic relationships, parents and close relatives are not appropriate soundboards.

Healthy boundaries are necessary. Partners don’t sign up to have their personal relationships discussed and dissected by the other’s parents and family members. It’s not fair to them. My parents taught me this when I got married. I taught my daughters and thankfully my son is wise enough that I never needed to teach him. It’s a normal and healthy shift that becomes necessary when you become an adult.

I would encourage your son to voice these issues with the only person that matters—his partner. Encourage him to be mature and communicate directly. Encouragement him to own his own decisions. If they do end up getting married, do encourage him to see a therapist instead of running to mummy and daddy if/when they have issues. No good comes of extended family meddling in the relationships of middle-aged adults.

I don't find it strange for a son or daughter to talk to their parent, at all.

He does need to be aware of that biological clock ticking, though, to be fair.

Thanks for interesting comments, a lot of food for thought! Some have said his partner should run a mile, but I doubt she will, she has been hurt before in relationships and although my DS is many of the things said here, entitled, indecisive, afraid of commitment etc basically he is very kind, a great listener and in her eyes she is his soul mate. I think he initially asked my advice as he doesn’t want to ever hurt her. We are a family who find it easy to share personal feelings, so it’s not too weird for him to talk to me about it,
I think they may get engaged at Christmas!

This is not something you should even consider offering advice about.
He's old enough to make his own decision.

You son seems rather immature for his age. Not many 43 years old men out there will call their parents and ask for their opinion as to whether he should marry his live in partner or not.

I feel sorry for his partner, at 37 years old, it may be too late for her to find someone else with whom she can start a family.

If it were me, I will say ‘It is up to you. You make your own decision’. And then let him make and learn from his own mistakes. It will be good for his soul, it might even help him to grow up.

If I'd married the young man my mum thought suitable.
What a thought! He was dull as ditchwater but earned a good living and sang in her choir.
I did manage to set him up for a date with a friend of mine. I wonder what became of him.

My friend is too late for motherhood now, due to hanging around, waiting for her partner to agree to the right time to have children.

They split up, and she had a really short amount of time in which to meet someone, and hurriedly rush into getting pregnant, (not ideal in itself) but it hasn't happened for her.

I agree, if she wants children she should try and find someone who loves her. He’s been happy to live with her, sleep with her share his life with her but doesn’t know if he want to marry her because she doesn’t want to talk about ‘serious issues’ Who marries their partner to talk about ‘serious issues’ if she doesn’t want to talk about money, then he can handle it. Most couples I know divide things between them for example I always handled our money even though my husband earned much more than me. If he wants to talk about ‘serious issues’ he can join a debating group.

Jannicans

He's just telling his mum how it is, I can't see where he is asking her advice. Sounds as though they aren't ready for marriage if she just buries her head in the sand about money, that's often the cause of divorce.

OP certainly thinks she's being asked to advise, in the heading & the last sentence.

If he’s got to ask his mum, he shouldn’t marry anyone.

When you know someone is “the one”, you don’t need second opinions.🙂

Do not tell him to marry her or not. If all goes pear-shaped and they marry, he will blame you. What kind of son asks his mother if he should get married? Wow, I can't believe it.

I don’t think there is anything wrong in asking for another opinion, they are plenty couples get it wrong. I did ask my eldest daughter, knowing I would get an honest opinion, if it had been negative I would not have married, just continued being partners.

OP doesn't say if her son wants to marry and have children, he may not be ready to marry someone with whom he disagrees on finances. Bring children into that mix? No Thank You.

Perhaps speak to financial difficulties being a stumbling block? Nothing else -- as his marriage is really a private decision.

He's just telling his mum how it is, I can't see where he is asking her advice. Sounds as though they aren't ready for marriage if she just buries her head in the sand about money, that's often the cause of divorce.

I wonder if Margomar had written that her son was in love with a woman who wanted to get married but he had concerns that she sticks her head in the sand about finances and doesn't try to resolve matters but hopes problems would go away if there would be less criticism of the son. I think these are quite important things to be concerned about. Marrying and having children is often fraught with problems. If someone avoids talking about how to put things right, how do things change or get resolved? How do you pull as a team if you can't discuss these matters?
I would tell him that it sounds like he has valid concerns about the long term and if his girlfriend is serious about getting married, they need to start talking about why he is reluctant. If she doesn't want to hear that, he definitely should not pop the question.

Effective communication and love are important for a successful marriage. Especially if children are planned.

Things just don’t ’go away’.

Maybe go for a walk or drive, when you are sitting next to each other, it’s easier not facing each other - work on that communication.

Just a thought - among my friends, most of the partnerships and marriages everybody else thought would work, didn't, and the most unlikely couples settled down happily for life. It's an incredibly difficult thing for anyone else to judge. Even a parent.

If she wants a child she should leave pdq, and find a man, not a boy.

I married not because I wanted to live the rest of my life with him but because I didn't want to live the rest of my life without him.

If your son can imagine a happy life without her or with a different more compatible partner than he should stop pretending that he's the one.

I don't think it's that odd for him to ask his mum - he thinks things through & it's a big decision & he doesn't sound like an impulsive person who would just go with the course of least resistance . Asking someone, voicing the doubts, may help clarify what he needs to do in his own mind. He sounds lovely.
When I was a child I overheard one fruit-picker ask another fruitpicker, in all earnestness, if she should marry her boyfriend. Sometimes having to make such a big decision just chases itself round your brain until you feel desperate & just have to tell someone. They say it's good to talk, & I can see that it might hurt his girlfriend to hear about his doubts.

If you have to ask the question ‘should I get married?’
- of yourself
Or anyone,
You should NOT be doing it!

I agree with the previous poster who said he still has growing up to do if he needs to ask his parents this question. Don’t advise him. It’s not appropriate and also, if he does what you suggest and he comes to regret that decision, he well we’ll blame you. The only thing I’d be prepared to say is that a life partner does not have to fill every role. Friends/relatives can fill an ‘interest’ gap!

listen but don't advice, this has to be his decision, they have already made a commitment with buying a house together and maybe his partner want's to be wed before children and at 37 she may feel the clock is ticking. they sound like an unusual match.

Not very romantic, being reduced to a percentage.