Retired hubby driving me nuts

In Greece retired men.are routinely kicked out of the house to sit in cafes, "you can't get anything done with them.sitting there." So said a Greek friend and all my friends say the same.
As a starting point tell.him.that a couple of days a week he needs to be out of the house and garden for a minimum of 4 hours. Swim, walk, go to the pub and read the paper, do the shopping and have a coffee, whatever. But OUT. Sanity at stake.
Important the conversation take place out of the house in a cafe or pub or walking round the park. If you also are then out on other days you can both breathe more freely and have something to report back.

You seem to treat him like he's your child..

From what I have heard and read, this is quite common.

I think perhaps men invest more or themselves in their jobs than women do. I know that is a generalisation and it may possibly not be so relevant with the more recent generations, but women are more likely to put their jobs on the back burner when they have children. They are more likely to work part time, at least initially, and even when they work full time they often take responsibility for a disproportionate amount of domestic/child duties.

Men tend to socialise more with work colleagues and when they eventually retire those friendships often fade away. Women tend to form friendships from pre-marriage times and throughout their married lives, and to maintain at least some friendships from work.

I think the dishwasher loading issue is a common one!

I don't know what the answer is. It is very difficult.

TopGunner

This post really upset me. My husband had to take early retirement when he was 60 due to health problems, for the following eight years I became my husband's 24 hour carer until he died ten years ago.

Please be grateful that you still have your husband because believe you me, if he dies your life will fall apart and will never again be the same.

I was thinking exactly the same, Nearly five years after the death of my husband, and even though I have a loving family, hobbies and a social life, nothing has meaning without him. So I know exactly how you feel, TopGunner, but I don’t think there’s an answer for us and people like us, except to hang in there and try to count our blessings.

hugshelp

Thanks for all your responses. They are at least making me think a bit more deeply about the problems.

He won't do clubs or go anywhere much without me. Won't volunteer. Has no interest in golf or any other activity without me. He won't even potter in the front garden if I'm not there. 'in case anyone speaks to me.' - this goes back to problems with our hostile neighbours - they were the first ppl he spoke to and it didn't go well. (it wasn't him - they are difficult). He seems to have lost all his confidence.

We take turns at cooking, and share chores, and I turn a blind eye to the things he forgets to do, but he has a tendency to make 'helpful' suggestions on how I could better do my share of the chores which I've been doing for decades. It's so tedious either explaining why his suggestion don't work for me or trying 'his way' just to prove it. But, if I offer him advice I'm 'bossing him around.'

I worked part time until ill-health made me stop work but until he retired I did the lion's share of chores. I have CFS and fibro and am sight-impaired I might add, so I have my plate full anyway.

He'll sit in the chair and barely answer if I ask him anything, then suddenly want a conversation whenever I'm rushing about or trying to concentrate. At other times he'll proffer advice on what I'm doing from his armchair or start another endless conversation on his latest thought on what the heating should be set at.
Today he mentioned a new art technique he saw on Facebook. I said that sounds interesting. He said, yes, but I don't want to do it, I thought you might like to. Huh? I have more than enough to do, thanks.
It's all small things, and I'd be lost without him, but it is exhausting.

In between times we do things together, but I always have to research and plan trips - then give him the final say - this is because he generally drives - I can't due to the sight impairment - but I have suggested the train for a change sometimes recently and he's enjoyed that. I still have to organise it though. We have a good time when we do these things. I just wish he'd organise something occasionally, but if I leave it to him we just go for a walk locally. There's only so many days trudging down a muddy path you've seen a hundred times that you can face in winter.

It feels like the only motivation he can find is to try and come up with helpful suggestions as to what I might do - I really don't need that.

I hear you Carenza123. Hugs. xx

Sorry to be rude but what on earth are you still doing with this man? He sounds an absolute nightmare and you deserve several medals!
You must really love him! I would have poisoned his tea by now!

Aw I remember my Mum going through this when my Dad sold his business and went from being out all hours of the day to being home all the time, she used to phone me up and say, "he's driving me crazy, he's here ALL the time". Actually he got into computers a bit and did ECDL, which he got obsessed with, which was useful in the end, as my Mum hated the computer but had to use it sometimes, so he could help her with this. I think men can be a bit obsessive, so if your husband could find something to get really into, (like they say above, a new focus), that really taxes his brain, he'll be fine, and so will you. Latterly, they were mostly doing garden projects together, and it was lovely to see them working away, taking breaks together for coffee, crosswords etc. Dad went from hating gardening to being really into it. I so wish my parents were still at the age of retiral, but this is some years ago for me now xxxx

Best advice I got was that you can’t change someone else’s behaviour, you can only change your own. Whenever I was around my husband it was hard to relax as I always seemed to be listening out for my name being called or annoying shouts for the least little upset. (His computer didn’t work , he’d spilt some milk etc etc). I have now realised I don’t have to jump or rush to fix whatever his current dilemma happens to be.

I think we all know exactly what you are dealing with here!

One thing struck me: you cannot expect your husband to sit in a draught because you need to come back through that door in a few minutes' time. So, either suggest he sits in another chair while you are in and out of the room all the time, or that HE COMES AND HELPS YOU.

Point out that he may have retired, but that does not mean he just sits around. The housework has to be done, and you would like help with it, so you and he can both enjoy his retirement.

Stop going everywhere with him! He is a grown man and should, unless suffering from some condition you have not mentioned be able to go to the chemist, or any other shop, on his own. Simply refuse to accompany him, if you feel it is unnecessary.

Critical remarks about how you do this that or the other? Tell him either to do it himself, or to leave you to do it as you always have in the X years you have been married to him!

It's as well the OP is trying to help her husband with retirement, she may well die first and he could then be utterly friendless and lost without her.

I don't think people should guilt trip the poster, we all have different relationships and different tolerances. Saying she's lucky her husband is alive isn't helpful.
Sorry for all who are grieving but in some cases the death of a partner can herald relief, however hard that sounds.

Apologies if this has already been suggested but I’ve not had time to go through all the answers.
Look up the four phases of retirement and you’ll find lots of information and even a few YouTube videos on how to make the most of your retirement. It really is very good information. I’ll be showing it to my own husband when he starts talking about retiring.

Please be happy you have him around.
As other ladies have said being on your own is so lonely and sad. Miss his annoying habits so much!

When I’m not doing things with my friends hubby takes it for granted I will always do something with him. I like my own company but never get to be alone very often. It drives me crazy and I feel trapped.

I did once share some of your thoughts but now I would say in all seriousness, enjoy and appreciate your DH while you can.

My husband has just died , be grateful or go live on your own

Get him to volunteer somewhere and make new friends through that, an exercise class, a choir, volunteer in library helping people apply for jobs, U3A .

Only men get to retire women have to keep going mine never understood the meaning of sharing household chores

Why all these suggestions on what the husband should do, he is happy reading and sitting quietly by himself. Leave him alone. It is the wife with the problem. Perhaps some advise is more needed in that area. Patience, tolerance, showing a bit of interest in your husband may help the situation. Try asking him what irritates him about you? then have a laugh about it all together to clear the air.

If he's in the house and just sitting around, you can at least ignore him a bit. I'd get on with my own life rather than having to think about babying him.

On which, can we PLEASE drop the word 'hubby'? It's so twee and also rather infantilising!

alisonsmith4

Please realise how blessed you are. I was widowed 2 months ago and I would give anything to be in your shoes.

absolutely so very sorry for your sad loss

This is horrible threat everyone moaning about the man they should love to spend time with having worked all their lives. Get a grip, where is the man you fell in love with have you lost sight of him? How do you think you present to him? Perhaps you should not be together if you do not want to spend time together. You are one lucky lady that he likes being with you, lots of us would give a right arm for that.

My mum felt the same..My dad was also a manager so I empathise. Mum used to meet friends for coffee etc and always busy...dad when he retired was same. Luckily a neighbour who had a wedding car company knocked my door and asked dad if he would like a wee job chauffering the wedding cars. Best thing he did for both of them, then he joined an art club! Found out he was actually very good.. good luck...

My late husband retired early. He and three others were named "The Dawn Patrol" at the golf club, they were always out at first light for 18 holes three days a week.

Poor chap ! I feel sorry for him too. All he does is sit quietly reading and he's bothering you ? 🙄! I spend hours myself quietly reading. It's a great source of joy, becoming immersed in a good book. I can't imagine how annoying it would be to be constantly interrupted and nagged to do something else

I feel your pain