her spoilt children

My DM was widowed when we were very young children. I later asked her why she didn't remarry.
She gave a few reasons;
A) She didn't meet anyone whom she loved enough.
B) with 3 small DC it wasn't easy to meet anyone in those days
C) We 3 were very possessive of her and wouldn't have allowed her to!

I can remember her having dancing partners and one boyfriend giving us a huge box of chocolates before they went on a date, so she was probably correct. We didn't take these men seriously!

Sadly, this is pretty normal for teenagers.

Also, the girls may resent you marrying their mother.

I’m guessing you have no biological children?

I have two biological daughters and on step daughter, she was 11 when she and her father met, and she’d not lived with her father since her parents divorced when she was 4.

All of them were awful teenagers!

However we now have a fabulous 40 year old, with a great job, house, partner and son, and one daughter is a school teacher and one is a manager in the Civil Service.

All in their own ways really tested us in their teens, all are now lovely adults.

Btw, I meant to also say, when you marry someone with children you really need to make a relationship with any children too, they come as a package

Cossy

Btw, I meant to also say, when you marry someone with children you really need to make a relationship with any children too, they come as a package

Agreed Cossy. But this OP doesn't even want to visit the house when they are there..

pascal30

I suggest you continue living in separate houses until the girls leave home and then review the situation.

I totally agree with pascal30. Without the girls being around you may both get on just fine. Most women will put their children first and won’t like it if you criticise. Living in separate houses isn’t too unusual these days and can be good for a harmonious relationship.

Ilovecheese

I'm with witzend on this one. My teenagers didn't behave like that, they wouldn't have dared. I don't think letting children get away with that behaviour makes them happy, quite the opposite.

It matters not how they behave.

It is not up to the OP to criticise and to write about them on social media - what is he thinking?

If he does think.

I think the children could be testing you, but I find it strange that you married but didn’t have much to do with your wife’s children not all children are disrespectful my husnba d is a step parent to two of mine, none of mine when young disrespected me or their step dad, they were given boundaries maybe hers aren’t then she has made a Rod for her own back, if they are throwing tandrums at the smallest things then good luck to you but I’d say if you try to interfere by saying something about it to their mother she will most be making excuses for them and won’t welcome your comments, they sound very spoilt only being decent when they get something, doubt if the situation will change now

Thanks for the thoughtful comments. Many genius perspectives for me to consider.

The bad behavior happens when I’m not around—when I am, they’re usually decent. My wife shares the details with me later, and I’m shocked by some of the things these girls say and do. It’s so foreign to me; we always respected our parents and never ganged up on them. It’s easy to blame it on the divorce, but I wish she’d stand up to them more when they’re lazy or disrespectful instead of just absorbing it. It’s so hard to "like" them.

My wife keeps rewarding and bribing them, hoping her generosity will make them act nicer, and I say, "F that—cut off all their privileges and rip the TV off the wall." Alas, she is kind, and in my opinion, she's being a doormat.

Cossy

Sadly, this is pretty normal for teenagers.

Also, the girls may resent you marrying their mother.

I’m guessing you have no biological children?

No children of my own, 60 and never been around teens other than myself and my siblings and we were all pretty well behaved.

Cossy

I have two biological daughters and on step daughter, she was 11 when she and her father met, and she’d not lived with her father since her parents divorced when she was 4.

All of them were awful teenagers!

However we now have a fabulous 40 year old, with a great job, house, partner and son, and one daughter is a school teacher and one is a manager in the Civil Service.

All in their own ways really tested us in their teens, all are now lovely adults.

"All of them were awful teenagers!"

in what way?

Skydancer

pascal30

I suggest you continue living in separate houses until the girls leave home and then review the situation.

I totally agree with pascal30. Without the girls being around you may both get on just fine. Most women will put their children first and won’t like it if you criticise. Living in separate houses isn’t too unusual these days and can be good for a harmonious relationship.

I want to it is just very hard. I am not use to putting up with substandard behaviour. At 16 and 18 - these are adults and who puts up with BS from adults?

Allira

Ilovecheese

I'm with witzend on this one. My teenagers didn't behave like that, they wouldn't have dared. I don't think letting children get away with that behaviour makes them happy, quite the opposite.

It matters not how they behave.

It is not up to the OP to criticise and to write about them on social media - what is he thinking?

If he does think.

in a different country actually but I visit a lot like once a month. and sometimes stay for a month or longer.

HeavenLeigh

I think the children could be testing you, but I find it strange that you married but didn’t have much to do with your wife’s children not all children are disrespectful my husnba d is a step parent to two of mine, none of mine when young disrespected me or their step dad, they were given boundaries maybe hers aren’t then she has made a Rod for her own back, if they are throwing tandrums at the smallest things then good luck to you but I’d say if you try to interfere by saying something about it to their mother she will most be making excuses for them and won’t welcome your comments, they sound very spoilt only being decent when they get something, doubt if the situation will change now

I am not naming anyone on social media, what is your point? I am talking about teens in the most general terms. I would never be specific or name people or places or any such thing.

BlueBelle

Didn’t you visit before you married ?
Wasn’t that a red flag if it annoys you so much ?
You say you wish your never married her surely you should have thought of that before you took that step
As you say you avoid visiting how do you know that they are like it ALL the time.
Anyway they are her children, she loves them, and they will be gone in a blink and she ll miss them, teenagers do go through selfish phases and sometimes seem disrespectful and uncaring but most change with a bit of maturity into lovely young people but whether they do or they don’t they are her precious kids and if you are wise you will make friends not enemies of them

I predict you are right. But in the meantime I do not know how parents handle and tolerate this nasty narcissistic entitled behaviour. I certainly never talked to my mother and father in this way, not even close. We would not have dared.

Ilovecheese

I'm with witzend on this one. My teenagers didn't behave like that, they wouldn't have dared. I don't think letting children get away with that behaviour makes them happy, quite the opposite.

Absolutely! This is not normal behaviour and shouldn't be tolerated. Indulgent parents really are not doing what's best for their children.
As to the relationship...it's astonishing that he wasn't aware of the home situation while they were dating.

*Visitingwhen”

Two of our daughters were what I would suggest were pretty much normal in their teens, sulky, quite rude at times, slamming doors, cursing under their breath. Very very untidy.

Our third and youngest daughter was somewhat more trying, from secondary school and through 6th form college she was very troubled and troubling, even getting into trouble with the police. We stood by them all, let them know their behaviour was unacceptable and tried to support and understand them.

In adulthood one daughter was diagnosed with ASD and our youngest daughter with a serious mental health issue where she is both medicated and receiving therapy.

ALL five of our adult children have jobs and on the whole are good decent people, whom we love unconditionally.

mum2three

Ilovecheese

I'm with witzend on this one. My teenagers didn't behave like that, they wouldn't have dared. I don't think letting children get away with that behaviour makes them happy, quite the opposite.

Absolutely! This is not normal behaviour and shouldn't be tolerated. Indulgent parents really are not doing what's best for their children.
As to the relationship...it's astonishing that he wasn't aware of the home situation while they were dating.

I might be castigated for saying this but perhaps their behaviour when the OP is there reflects how they feel about their mother's marriage. It's certainly a strange arrangement.
Where is their father? Is he still on the scene?
Perhaps they just dislike their mother's new husband, are angry with their mother too and this is how they are showing it.

I'm not excusing bad behaviour but it's not easy being a teenager even in a stable, loving family and this sounds anything but.

Allira

My credulity is being stretched.

people are on good behaviour when they first meet others. this is the human condition

Strange to marry someone when you live in different countries it all sounds quite bizarre to me

Calendargirl

You should have considered all this before getting married.

Perhaps they resent you, and their behaviour is designed to drive a wedge between you and their mum.

How long did you go out with her before getting wed?

how does one consider all the unknowns of marriage or any relationship until you get into the middle of it?

BlueBelle

Strange to marry someone when you live in different countries it all sounds quite bizarre to me

It’s strange how life works sometimes, but it happened. She’s a good woman, and I believe I’m a good man too. Neither of us was looking for marriage, yet we found that we fit intellectually. Being older and more certain about what we wanted, we moved forward quickly.

I’m happy with her, but I’m struggling with her teenage daughters, hence the post. Their behavior is beyond challenging, and my wife has expressed a desire for me to take on a "stepfather" role—something we never discussed and that I have no intention or desire to do. They already have a father, and while he’s a psychotic prick, he’s still their father, and that’s the reality of the situation.

Allira

mum2three

Ilovecheese

I'm with witzend on this one. My teenagers didn't behave like that, they wouldn't have dared. I don't think letting children get away with that behaviour makes them happy, quite the opposite.

Absolutely! This is not normal behaviour and shouldn't be tolerated. Indulgent parents really are not doing what's best for their children.
As to the relationship...it's astonishing that he wasn't aware of the home situation while they were dating.

I might be castigated for saying this but perhaps their behaviour when the OP is there reflects how they feel about their mother's marriage. It's certainly a strange arrangement.
Where is their father? Is he still on the scene?
Perhaps they just dislike their mother's new husband, are angry with their mother too and this is how they are showing it.

I'm not excusing bad behaviour but it's not easy being a teenager even in a stable, loving family and this sounds anything but.

The behavior is unrelated to me. Their father lives around the block and has custody of two of them half the time. Most people dislike him, and it’s not a stable situation, and I tread lightly when around them and never say a word to them about anything other than minimal polite banter.

They are very pretty and VERY smart, and I imagine that, in groups, girls or young women like this tend to exhibit this kind of viciousness. It’s likely amplified by the divorce, and I’m simply ill-equipped to deal with it. It’s not their fault that I can’t handle it—it’s my own. I’m just not sure how to be about it.

Oh dear, what a lot of snooty and unkind answers!

visitingwhen: this is one of the common problems of marrying someone who already has children, especially teenagers.

I agree with you: we were assuredly not allowed to throw tantrums if asked to take a used cup or plate out to the kitchen, and my parents were not unduly strict or old-fashioned for the late 1960s, early 1970s.

The world has moved on since then, and today a lot of teenagers are behaving as you describe. I am not sure that "allowed to behave "in this manner applies. While I was teaching, I met many parents who despair of their teenagers unpleasantness and it would have been no consolation if I had told them that the time to teach manners or begin to do so, is when children are three not thirteen.

You are wise not to say anything to the girls right now, but I think you should try to discuss their behaviour and its effect on you with your wife. Outwith the hearing of these rude youngsters, obviously.

Until you know whether she sees nothing wrong with their behaviour, or is in dispair over it, you really cannot begin to work out how to proceed.

Where the girls all sweetness and light before you married their mother?

Is the eighteen year old not soon leaving home for college or university - preferably so far away that she will have to find accomodation there?

They may be hormonal - tough!!!
No excuse for being sullen and uncooperative. No doubt we all had our ' moment's when we were teenagers but to put it bluntly my parents would not have tolerated such behaviour . They did not rule with a rod of iron ,they were sensible and loving but set boundaries we respected. Too many excuses for stroppy teenagers, they need pulling into line, not by you OP but by their mother.