Strange behaviour from DH

Would that help Homestead?

ExDancer
What my dear friend doesn’t know about dementia you could write on a postage stamp, that includes caring for her own mother.
When I saw your use of the word empathy it jumped out at me.
I knew my friends mother to be the kindest loving person.
I once ssked my friend when she first suspected that all was not well with her mother. She said when she had no empathy for a family tragedy

have you been in touch with your friends exdancer? what do they think about it?

I'm sorry you have this worry

He does seem too old to be sulking. And ungrateful.
Time for a chat?

Very upsetting and difficult for you Ex dancer. If you think your DH is acting out of character it is time to contact your GP and let them know what you fear. They should be able to advise on the next steps.
If he has always been prone to sulks if he doesn't get his own way then that's a different matter entirely.
💐

I think this is the wrong place to look, Azhural

My in laws have also been married for 65 years, he's 95 , she's 89. She's always done the cooking , cleaning etc . And he did the diy, gardening and driving . He's been in hospital for around 10 days now . Receiving end of life care . My husband ( their only child) has taken his mother in everyday. She sits by his bed until visiting is over . Its a very old school marriage, they have always done everything together. My point is , I think your husband was , put out , by the change of routine and although you enjoyed the change and the company, he may not have. If you are worried though, you could make a doctors appointment and go together

MissAdventure

I think this is the wrong place to look, Azhural

We're all a bit long in the tooth, I'm afraid.

Well, I'm assuming so as this is Gransnet!

Azhural most of us are grannies on this forum but I wish you luck with your search.

Who is Azhural?
What is she/he looking for?
Now its me who's confused.

A 30 year old hard working man, who was looking for a job and a wife.

Shelflife

Primrose has made a valid point- please bear that in mind . Keep a note of any more unusual behaviours , and talk to your GP if you are worried.

If he is in a huff, shame on him. If he forgot you because he has dementia, then he shouldn't be driving. Either way, his behaviour is unacceptable.

Where did Azhural come into this discussion?
Now I’m confused too!

I agree that it is a good idea to look at this changed attitude and make a note of things that are very unlike him, or that he has never done before. Speak to other family members and see if they have seen these problems arising. Make a note of anything that is really strange, the date, his attitude, etc. so that if things get any worse you have the notebook to refer to when you speak to the doctor. That is what you can do for him.

Now , my suggestions as to what you do for yourself. Firstly, if you have only joint accounts, but either party can take out money , I would suggest that you go and open an account of your own, and if you have the option, at another bank altogether. Then put a decent amount into it from the joint account, before you contact any doctors or anything.. I would suggest that you think of at least 3 months worth of your expenses plus a bit more. If you can get him to agree, do power of attorney , so that you have the right to deal with things if he is diagnosed with dementia. Once that diagnosis if given I think you will find that you will not be able to deal with the joint account as you have up to now. The bank is mostly concerned with their own back, but also of course the patient, so you can end up with money in the account that you are unable to access. Even with POA, you read constantly of people having difficulties with the bank, allowing them to use the bank account.
Then I would say "whats sauce for the goose , is sauce for the gander" So rather than have a big row with him, ignore him as much as possible and decide which day you want to go out on your own. Say nothing to him, prepare your bag, so that you might go to meet a good friend, go to somewhere you havent been for a while, or just take your swimming things, go to the pool and have a good swim and then have a meal. Of course, leave before he gets up. Dont leave any information as to where you have gone , or how long you will be. Come home when it suits you, and if he starts to moan or bluster about it, you simply say, "I have only done just what you did. What is the problem?" If he goes on about selfishness, lack of concern etc etc, you reply, well I see what you mean, but I learnt from you how to do it. In the meantime, you could be thinking what you want to do in the long term. It seems very sad if you have to split up at this stage, but you are entitled to a calm and decent life. If things go on like this, you will be constantly anxious, edgy, and wondering what the next day will bring. I have been in this state, for a different reason, and it was so difficult to make decisions, but eventually I left. Financially I was worse off, but oh the lifting of the spirits, the relaxation, no longer feeling scared and uptight when you hear the key in the lock. My only wish is that I had done it years before. You have been faithful and honest and done more than your best, there is a limit and I think that this crosses the line. If you have a very close friend, who you can trust, you might talk it over with them and as you talk the practicalities through, I think you will find yourself thinking over what you would like to happen for the best. Living elsewhere but keeping in touch, so that you feel sale and comfortable but still care about him. Moving completely away and having no contact, or possibly remaining in the home if he is able to change and agree to a different way of living, so you look after yourself as he does. Think of the pros and cons of each method and decide what is best for you and go for it. Very good luck and do let me know how you get on. The main thing is that YOU ARE RIGHT, dont let yourself be blackmailed or bullied into carrying on in the way he has.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

Where did Azhural come into this discussion?
Now I’m confused too!

He just butted in, out of the blue!

ExDancer

Who is Azhural?
What is she/he looking for?
Now its me who's confused.

We keep hpgetting spam posts and whoever iss on duty at Gransnet Towers is deleting the whole post, name, date and all.

It does make it rather confusing because it seems as if some of us are talking gibberish.

getting : is

(I am talking gibberish)

because it seems as if some of us are talking gibberish

My default mode Allira 🤣

I absolutely feel for you, I would be mortified if my husband just drove off to friends leaving me behind. It is so upsetting and you don't deserve that sort of treatment.
My husband as changed considerably over the years, he is a totally different person to the man I first met in the late 1960s.
I have probably changed also but I still put family first where as my hubby would put his needs above anyone else's.
There is no answer,
I have tried most things in our relationship making suggestions but he doesn't listen.
Happy thoughts are I wouldn't have my wonderful son and daughter and my lovely grandchildren if I hadn't married my husband.
Try and move on from the moment and find things you enjoy doing.
I wish you all the best.

OP, please consider some sort of mental decline/ dementia.
I have been there and done that with my own H.
It is dreadful and only anyone who has experienced it truly know just how it is.
It is looking back over the last couple of years which will make you see the change.
Things that just annoyed are put into perspective when considered as a full picture.

Good luck with getting Drs interested unless it comes from him.
My surgery would not discuss him or listen to my concerns and I had to insist on him making an appointment to which I went with him.
It was the start of the journey.

We also were married over 60 years and had the same traditional marriage with designated ares of responsibility.
My H never once cooked me a meal, Unheard of now.

I send you all the best wishes in the world if a diagnosis is forthcoming.

Thank you for your sensible advice, especially madeleine and jeannie - you have hit the problem on the head. I'm not complaining over who does which household tasks, thats not the issue.
The feeling that I am under-valued is what hurts the most and suddenly realising what a selfish bastard he has turned into.
Time to consider number one, and that's me.

Primrose53

ExDancer

When you've been married 64 years you the small day-to-day changes in your partner's behaviour creep in unnoticed. I had time yesterday to ponder on how much he's changed over the last 12 months.
This kind of thing has never happened before, but there have been a few subtle signs that he's losing touch, or may empathy, with other people. And I think its more than just old-age forgetfulness.
Very few men of 80+ do any cooking, so you young 70 year olds ..... please understand its the way they were brought up, not a sign that a marriage is on the brink of breaking up. He has his own business (now in partnership with our son who does the lion's share of work) and had gone out by the time I got up this morning. I presume he's gone 'to work' without letting me know.
I need to know if this inward-looking, selfish attitude, which is new, is indeed the beginning of dementia or just a massive sulk at not getting a home cooked meal. I'll see how he is at lunchtime.
Can you just ring a doctor's surgery and ask to speak to a doctor about someone else's mental health? What about patient confidentiality?

You are right about patient confidentiality. We have recently been involved with that. Do you have Power of Attorney or have you done letters to GP allowing each other to discuss medical care.

If you haven’t, then I can see nothing wrong in speaking or writing to the GP and voicing your concerns. If they have anything about them they could contact him and invite him to visit for an annual check up or similar. You would not be asking anything and he would not be disclosing anything. 😉

Even though there is all this stuff these days whereby people need "official permission" to talk to a persons doctor about a close relative - there's an at least reasonable chance the doctor will speak to someone as close as a spouse anyway - maybe especially if it's dementia.

My late mothers doctor did tell me in a recent phone conversation that she strongly suspected my mother had dementia - even though it hadn't been officially diagnosed. I knew my mother would have been furious she'd done so - as she was such a "private person" she barely even told her husband (my father) anything - and definitely told me VERY little ever. It helped a little bit when my parents died to know her hateful last act to me might - possibly - be a dementia thing rather than something she would have done even in her right mind iyswim.

I have my doubts - I think she'd still have done that hateful thing to me anyway - but her doctor "cast enough light" that I think maybe/just maybe she hadn't done it deliberately and knowingly and it was possibly the dementia speaking so to say.

That’s just petulant whatever his issue, lock him out for sure.

Maybe it is really simple. He did not want to go out. He just wanted to stay at home at Christmas. Some people do not like company. My husband is a bit like that. He is happy at home. I like company!

Can you just ring a doctor's surgery and ask to speak to a doctor about someone else's mental health? What about patient confidentiality?

Yes, you can.
The doctor is limited in what they can say to you but you can say whatever you want to them.