Help - Daughter back with partner who kicked her out when she was 30 weeks pregnant - how to move forward??

You be there 100% for your daughter. I’m wondering what happens when he gets stressed again? This relationship may not be a keeper, but hope for the best, your daughter may well need your help in the future. I hope her partner has stepped up and being supportive, as this is exactly what she needs going forward.

Has he sought help for his stress? He may have mental health issues that need to be respected and understood.

He could also be someone who thinks the word revolves around him and is already resentful and jealous of a baby that wil draw attention from him.

Once the baby is born and your daughter and her child are physically well, will be time enough to work out which category her partner falls into.

Your worry and anger are absolutely understandable. Be there for your daughter and try to be calm, despite raging feelings. This behaviour is a red flag. He may be one of those men who will resent not being the centre of his partner’s life, that won’t improve when the baby arrives.
He may have clinical anxiety or depression but getting drunk with friends rather than taking time to be responsible for yiur feelings doesn’t inspire confidence
Look after yourself, try not to ruminate and listen to her

I'm so sorry for your daughter and for you .
This man's selfish behaviour doesn't bode well for the future ,does it ?
I hate to write it , but there's very little that you can do except offer help when it all goes pear shaped again .
Two of my children formed long term relationships with partners , who are neurodivergent .
My daughter was utterly miserable with her partner for a decade .
His behaviour drove her insane .
Eventually, she has established herself in a career and has her own house .
I've watched my son change from being a popular happy man into a bad tempered depressive as the demands of his wife take too much out of him .
I don't know what his future is .
Sometimes , I half expect him him to turn up on my doorstep as she driven him to despair .
You can only listen until they make their own minds up .

I can imagine you are worried sick for your daughter and unborn grandchild but sadly she is an adult so can make decisions which we can see are wrong. all you can do is support your daughter let her know you are there if she needs you, Tempting as it is please don't criticise the boyfriend he is a waste of space and a despicable partner but if you criticise him and his behaviour you are losing ground, risking her cutting you off altogether. it is awful but she has to realise for her self. hopefully the medical team at the hospital midwife etc will support her and maybe know what they can do to help

I hope that your daughter has access to a good NHS team of midwives to support her at this time. Some first time mothers appear calm and others are very anxious. I always thought it was a good idea to include the father in the birth so going to antenatal classes might encourage active participation.
Fingers crossed that baby will delight both parents and good bonding happens.

I think the fact that they hadn’t been together long before she became pregnant may be part of his problem. Was the baby planned? I wonder if it all came as a shock to him and he panicked? I am not excusing his treatment of your daughter but the fact he went off with friends suggests that he needed support. You can only go along with things and if you were quite happy with him before this all blew up perhaps a chat at some point to try and find out what he is thinking

Going off with friends suggests a self centred immature man. He may need support but isn’t doing anything constructive about that.
It’s naive to think a baby can improve a relationship that’s in trouble.

I agree with poppysmum no criticism just love and support your daughter as much as you can Dancinghorses I hope things work out for them when the baby arrives.

Must be so very worrying for you. I would keep in daily (if that is possible) contact with her, and meet at their home regularly, just to keep a check on the situation and her emotional and physical health. As others have said, best not to criticise him, as this could make your DD defensive. Best wishes.

This may work out but I would, without voicing your fears, be thinking about contingency plans as to where she will live when/if she becomes homeless again..

Smile. Suck it up and keep a welcoming home for your DD in case she needs it.

luluaugust said

"I think the fact that they hadn’t been together long before she became pregnant may be part of his problem. Was the baby planned? I wonder if it all came as a shock to him and he panicked?"

That was my first thought, alongside wondering how old they both are, he seems very young? Not that it excuses what he did, but maybe a reason.

If there is a real desire to make a go of it and its tough, would going to counselling together help them? His willingness to go would signal quite a lot.

Otherwise what others have said: love, support, preparation.

Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate all your thoughts.

I will be mindful of what I am saying to DD about her partner - I have said that she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this but I certainly don’t want to alienate her. Fortunately we have a good relationship and speak every day.

I currently live a couple of hours away and are am the process of moving closer. We’d hoped to do so by the end of Jan but our house sale has hit a snag which could take months to sort out - more stress!! - so our plans are on hold at the moment. I guess I’m really worried about not being around to support DD so much in those early couple of months. My youngest daughter is only 11 and due to start a new school (we’re in New Zealand) in Feb so I also need to be around for her.

Our house search now includes an extra bedroom so DD and the baby have somewhere to stay, and she knows that they’ll always have a home with us if needed.

I’m not sure if DD’s partner has sought help for his mental health but I hope he does. I know from my own experience that having a baby puts a lot of stress on a relationship so it does worry me that he’ll do the same again. I know DD has talked to him about getting couples counselling to help them communicate better so hopefully they’ll act on that.

As many of you have said, I’ll stay calm, be friendly and be ready to support DD as best I can.

Thanks again for all your support and help.

I think it's not unusual for men to panic at the thought of all the new responsibility. I know DH did! He didn't do anything as extreme but did go out with his brother a good few times.

It might make you feel better to know, though, that we have 5 children and he has been a brilliant dad. And we have been together for 55 years.

I think you should give him some leeway.

Make sure she has an escape saving acc. You just have to be there for her. Every woman should have one. I was married for 43 years and thought everything was rosy so spent mine. Then needed it .

Our job as parents is to say little about the decisions of our children in their relationships but be there to pick up the pieces if it goes to hell in a handcart.

I don't know how old your daughter's partner is but I do know that my second born used to do be a nightmare whenever commitment raised its ugly head. However, maturity and assistance with his mental health has made a complete difference and he has been with his wife now over half of his life! He has turned out to be the most wonderful father of his ASD child.

I stayed with my abusive husband because I was pregnant and didn't know how I'd cope. I made decisions on that premise and thank goodness I had family to support me when the whole thing when badly wrong. I look back and wonder what on earth I was thinking of but my family have never once said, "Well, what did you expect?" That has made the journey to sanity much easier!

I fully understand your worries especially
if they have found other issues in life stressful before their baby arrives. Both your daughter and her partner are likely to find it very stressful after the baby is born as young people nowadays do not seem very mature even if they are on their early thirties by the time the first baby arrives.

All you can do is make sure your daughter knows you are willing to offer both practical and emotional support when needed, and be mindful of the risks of post natal depression. In many ways you are going to have to let them find their own way to bond together. I truly hope it works out for everyone including the baby as ideally the baby does need two parents on hand, but many young couples find the adjustment to parenthood and the loss of their individual freedoms very difficult, which can increase tensions in a relationship. You daughter is lucky that you have her wellbeing on your radar as well as that of your grandchild.

I have no idea about women’s rights in NZ but suspect that DD could refuse to move out if he tried this again, even though the house is tied to his job. Having a baby would very likely give her greater rights. Unpleasant for her, undoubtedly, but it might make him think twice. ( Assuming he’s capable of even thinking once!)

Never underestimate the gift of a supportive mum! Your daughter will be fine, whatever, with you there. Her partnership doesn't look good but she's less likely to tell herself lies about it with your support. Try to say as little as possible. Your daughter is lucky to have you and will, I am sure, be fine, ultimately. Enjoy your grandchild!

kittylester

I think it's not unusual for men to panic at the thought of all the new responsibility. I know DH did! He didn't do anything as extreme but did go out with his brother a good few times.

It might make you feel better to know, though, that we have 5 children and he has been a brilliant dad. And we have been together for 55 years.

I think you should give him some leeway.

It took my husband a while to settle down to the responsibilities of impending fatherhood, though he was very excited about it all. We eventually had four children and he's still an excellent father.

My husband could be an absolute pain in the bott but it certainly didn’t help when my lovely Mum, thinking she was being supportive, kept commiserating with me over his behaviour. When I gently pointed out to her that it would help me more if she could find something nice to say about him, it made me feel a lot better. So I think that you will be doing absolutely the right thing by trying hard never to criticise this man's past behaviour (horrid though it was) and just always being there for your daughter (as my Mum was). You will bring her great comfort in a tricky situation and your daughter will be fine. I hope it all works out.

luluaugust

I think the fact that they hadn’t been together long before she became pregnant may be part of his problem. Was the baby planned? I wonder if it all came as a shock to him and he panicked? I am not excusing his treatment of your daughter but the fact he went off with friends suggests that he needed support. You can only go along with things and if you were quite happy with him before this all blew up perhaps a chat at some point to try and find out what he is thinking

Yes, it sounds as though he was overwhelmed by it all, especially when your daughter ended up in hospital. He may yet come good, don't write him off.
If your daughter knows that she has your support (and your spare room if necessary) she has options if she needs them.

It doesn't sound as though it was planned and maybe it is overwhelming for both of them? they sound quite young too?
there is not much you can do, other than what you are doing. What will be, will be and at least something good will come out of it - you will have a little new family member