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Help - Daughter back with partner who kicked her out when she was 30 weeks pregnant - how to move forward??

(54 Posts)
Dancinghorses Mon 30-Dec-24 03:51:10

My daughter and her partner are expecting their first child in early February. Despite not being together for long before becoming pregnant, all had been going well.

But …. 4 weeks ago, out of the blue, my daughter’s partner told her it wasn’t working for him and that he needed space, and she had to leave (the house is tied to his job so she has no rights over it). I was overseas at the time but fortunately my sister was able to take her in.
For context, DD had been airlifted to hospital the previous week (at 29 weeks) as she was bleeding and experiencing contractions. Fortunately, things settled down and she was discharged after 3 days and told to avoid stress as much as possible.

He’s since told her that he got stressed and needed space. I don’t want to be unsympathetic as I know stress is horrible - but, he was given a couple of days off work to rest and rather than using the time to go to pre- booked antenatal classes with DD, he went out for a weekend of drinking with his mates.

DD had been staying with us but her partner now wants to try again and she’s moved back in.

I’m worried sick about DD and what she’s going back to. Also, I’m so disgusted and angry at the way her partner has treated her, I don’t know how things are going to play out when the baby is born? Right now, I don’t want to be in the same room as him, but I’m wanting to support my daughter as best I can as I’m worried that he’ll not be there for her at that time. I’m thinking I need to hide my feelings and smile nicely but it’s not going to be easy!!

This is my first grandchild and I would really appreciate some words of advice as to what to do for best. Thank you!

Dancinghorses Fri 07-Feb-25 03:10:15

Thanks to everyone for your comments, they have been really appreciated and helped me keep calm, for a while at least.
Unfortunately, my fears were realised a couple of weeks before my daughter’s due date when her partner asked her to leave again. No explanation given but she has since learned from a mutual friend that it was so he could have some friends over.
A week later, DD went into labour. She called her ‘partner’ to let him know and he came up for the birth but told her during the call that he wouldn’t be staying with her and the baby at the birthing centre after (they’d been offered a room for 3 nights). He left two hours after the baby arrived. He then visited for 3 hours the following day and hasn’t been back since as he, apparently, has a cold and doesn’t want to spread germs. The baby is now 10 days old. I don’t think I can express how angry and disgusted I am at his behaviour.
My daughter is doing a fantastic job at keeping positive and caring for her beautiful baby but every so often her bravery slips and I can see that she is devastated not just for herself but for her baby who deserves so much more (as does she).
I’m not sure where she goes from here but I’m hoping against hope that she isn’t even considering returning to live with him. I’ve tried not to say much about him but failed miserably on a couple of occasions.
Meanwhile, I’m exhausted helping with nighttimes while being back at work this week. Fortunately I have a very understanding boss who’s letting me work reduced hours for now.
He may or may not want to visit his baby at some point but, right now, I do not want him setting foot in my house. I guess I’ll have to tho for the baby’s sake. I’m too tired and wrung out to think straight right now so any words of support or advice would be really appreciated.
Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to comment so far.

denbylover Fri 07-Feb-25 03:37:01

Dancinghorses you are doing great, tho due to your tiredness you are probably doubting this! Your concern and support for your daughter is just what’s needed atm, although I can see it’s taking its toll on you. Hang in there.

Your thoughts re your daughter’s ex are justified, he hasn’t behaved well, and the effect this has had on your daughter must hurt a great deal. She may, given a little time, be seeing all this for herself and be less inclined to be as involved with him. Yes he’s still the baby’s father, time will tell if he’s mature and responsible enough to step up.

Congratulations on your new grandchild, grab a nap whenever you can, it’ll get easier - not that that helps you a lot right now!
Good luck

Dancinghorses Mon 10-Feb-25 21:54:25

Thank you for your kind words @denbylover. My youngest is only 11 but I’d forgotten how tiring the newborn phase is! You’re right, it does get easier and I just keep reminding myself of that. We’re taking each day as it comes at the moment and enjoying the small things like making the most of new born baby cuddles.