Dilemma over loaning money

Who was the inheritance left to? Was it left solely to your husband or to you both jointly? Will £10,000 significantly affect your future? Most parents wish to help their children so your DH is far from unusual. Obviously it is not your son, so you have a different perspective but if it is not your money then I don't see what you can do without causing upset.

It would a flat No from me.

Perhaps a little at a time, to see how the repayment goes.

Appreciate all your comments, especially the one about said boat being a sinker!

Has your husband's son asked for advice or opinions on his boat project? Fully grown adults typically do not want advice or opinions.

Give him a gift, don't give money he hasn't asked for as a "loan".

If I want to give my children money it is a gift, if they ask to borrow money for a specific reason (e.g. one had a cash flow issue and needed to pay his tax bill so I lent him the money and as soon as the money he was waiting for arrived he paid me back.)

I don't think it is as simple as it has to be a gift or it has to be paid back.

I wouldn't loan, I did twice and never got it back, made to feel at fault for bringing the matter up. Have given the money to son and grandchildren when needed. Rather help whilst alive than leave it.

He hasn't suddenly "popped up". He's got his greedy, beady eyes on the rest of the inheritance windfall......

He hasn't asked, mae13.

How can son be taking you for a ride Flo22? He never asked for the money so either gift it or don`t.

I was asked to loan to ds once and of course I did, we set up a no-interest payment plan and I got it all back. Any other monies from me to AC are no strings-attached gifts. I would never assume that any money from me is a loan, unless they specifically ask

That 10k is best kept in a savings account for when it really is a rainy day for ds and only then gift it. If you `loan` it now, he will get the money-pit sinker and your money will end up on the canal floor.

Flo, on reflection, the son hasn't asked for the money to live on the barge so why would your husband be offering him a loan to do so, that's encouraging and endorsing the idea, The son should be trying to get his life on track and that isn't helping him do it. Really think he has to think for himself. I drummed into mine never borrow.

I had no problem loaning my grandkids they have both been brought up in a very honest setting My grandson had been to the bank but the interest was large and I trusted him implicitly so offered the money with obviously no need for interest we set up a DD and even when he was short on money as his job is very weather orientated he would not accept my offer of leaving it for a month He’s halfway through paying it back
My grandaughter borrowed a smaller amount and I would have given it but my daughter said no she needs to learn so we have done the same for her and she’s also halfway there. They are satisfied with the big advantage of no interest to pay
I trust them implicitly they are very straight honest people and I would do it again for for any of my grandkids (although there’s one who might not be so structured but we would get there🤣)
I would have no ability to give the money, its my future

A man of 40 is a different story especially if he’s been flaky about money in the past

You say his son so are you the step mum and is the inheritance from your husbands family or yours ? I think this does make a difference as the son hasnt actually asked for any money and obviously if your husband wants to build bridges then you should support him I think

is it your son also?

if you can't afford to give it away don't do it.

If the son hasn’t asked for a loan then I wouldn’t offer one, as he would have no motivation to pay it back and probably no means to do so.
If your husband wants to help his son then surely it has to be a gift. Whilst his inheritance is his to use, how is it going to affect your joint plans for the future? There is no guarantee this money will ever be repaid.
I’m another one who is not in favour of parents always bailing adult children out. It does not teach them how to manage for themselves.

You don’t mention your age, but we are 69, retired and are very aware that we have no hope of any more money coming in for future retirement funds. My DH has very sensibly invested what we do have for anything we might need in the future. There comes a point in our lives when we have to think of this. At your son’s age we did not ask our respective parents for a penny and they would have said no in any case. All our money had to be worked for by us both. Don’t put your future in peril. Your DH son an adult now.

TBH I wonder why you ask the question on an open Forum Flol22, as none here know of your circumstances.

I have a small pot of money I loan to young friends interest free, and I have never been let down. It's a choice I make, and can afford to lose, and it has truly made a huge difference. When it comes back, I keep it aside until it can help another, and so it goes round.

For one friend, it was exactly for this- to help with the renovation of the house boat he had bought to live on. He has done all the work himself, and now the boat is ready for his new life- when he can, he will pay it back, I am sure.

Nothing wrong with lending money to children. I have done just that -to my 3 children - interest free ofcourse. and a proper Agreement signed. And I have also gifted money to them, when I downsized, and had some spare cash. This was well over 7 years ago and so, will not be liable for Inheritance Tax.

Without more detail it is difficult for posters to know what we would do.

You say you have a small inheritance that has to last you. If that is significantly over £10k (people's idea of 'small' varies hugely) and you have other income from pensions or elsewhere, then it might be ok to lose the money. If, on the other hand, the £10k represents your security and you are on the state pension only, it is a different matter.

It's further complicated by the fact that this is hour husband's son, not yours, and we don't know where the inheritance is from. Is it yours, your husband's or a joint one? If it is his inheritance and his son, there is an argument for it being up to him what he does with it. If it is his son and your inheritance, on the other hand, it's rather different. If you deal with money as being jointly owned, then you both need to agree before it would be wise. Alternatively, if he wants to do it and you don't, would a gift of £5k help the son, as a compromise? If that happened, you should get the other £5k to save or spend as you wish though.

There is also the matter of the son having been hardly in touch with his father. Is your husband seeing this as a way of 'paying back' for old problems? I don't think that is ever likely to work, unfortunately. Resentments need to be worked through, as they will still be there regardless of any 'pay offs', and an attempt to use money like this could even make things worse.

Aldom

You have not said, but I am wondering if there's a specific reason why your husband is considering offering a loan to his son. Is the son experiencing some sort of difficulties?

it's not a "loan", it is a gift and it will never be paid pack nor appreciated. If DH is ok with that, fine. Giving the money might help and save someone and it might handicap a person, one has to be there to make that assessment I suppose.

My son says never loan money. Only freely give without intention of being repayed. He is only 35 and you and them and all of us KNOW he is right.

I think that you really need to take a step back from the boat thing and look at what it has made you think about your own finances. It seems as though you are not sure either on your own or with your husband exactly where you are and how you see the future for yourselves, so this may give you a very good opportunity to discuss your own finances. If you can do this without making it a connection to the boat issue, hopefully you can actually get together and just work our both your present and possible future financial situation. Then you will have a clearer view of your own situation and you may be surprised, either pleasantly or otherwise about how things stand.

So if you overall see that the two of you are in a good situation then you may feel better about giving this money to the son, because I think you also need to ensure that your husband does not live in cloud cuckoo land and realistically sees that it is a gift not a loan. Then this may lead on to discussion as to whether this is actually in the best interest of the son. If this is going to be a one off amount of money that your husband can afford to give him, would it not be better to put it into something safer with some interest that he might use, or something like that. ?

We have had boats of all sorts from canal boats to old sailing yachts and I know that we had a lot of pleasure from particularly the sailing yacht and also sailed up to scotland which cost us only £8 for the three of us as we only put the engine on to go into a harbour. But there are definitely warning bells from the houseboat, I could see it being an ever open pit for money. Perhaps the best thing would be to get a qualified boat yard person to go over it and give you a realistic idea of the costs of repairing it and whether it would be worth the time and the money, before you spend any more money. If you pay for this ,and make it clear that it will not be a job coming to their boatyard, you should get a realistic idea of both cost and time scale and then have a clearer idea of whether this is even a possible idea. Also by getting a knowledgable person to do the vetting of the boat, you are keeping out of it and their opinions will be clearly business like and there will be no sense of personal thoughts altering or affecting the outcome. You could either just ask someone appropriate to check it over and give you a written report, or you could all be there and hear what they have to say , so that once again having the independant person there you are not pushed into a situation where your common sense approach is seen as deliberately against the sons idea.

Hopefully, from a situation which seems fraught with problems for you all, you could actually end up in a better place, where you have a clearer view of your own situation, you have shown respect for the sons idea without committing yourselves to the costs, and although it sounds rather pessamistic, I think that besides the concrete knowledge of future costs for your husband and yourself, then you need to have some financial backup for some unknown situation that might arise in the future for y ou both. It is clear that you could not depend upon his son to be able to be helpful to you in the future or to rely on him in any way. One other possibility is that you might look at your own situation, and for example if you think that in the future ou would leave X amount to him, you could allow if the money was available, for a certain amount to be given now, but on the clear understanding that this means that he will not have this money to come to him later.

Perhaps, before you do any of this, you have a close respected friend or trustworthy person who you could go through this with , so that you have can check your own feelings out and follow through how you think things will change depending on what you decide to do.You need to see all the possibilities so that you have thought about how you would feel if whatever you do, means that there are either serious arguments between you and your husband or it means that there is some sort of emotional blackmail by the son etc. This will allow you to think what you might do in any specific way. Then you should be able to talk to your husband in a calm way as you will have looked at the various possibilities. Do hope that at the least you both go forward knowing more about not only your financial situation but being closer to each other. Best of luck.

If the money your husband is considering lending his son, knowing full well that it will never be paid back is your and his joint savings or legacy, I would put my foot down very firmly in your place.

If, on the other hand it is your husband's money, it is more difficult to do anything other than caution him against being so generous.

A man in his 40s, who has just received a legacy should not be needing a loan.

What you do here depends on a few considerations:

how you and your husband are placed for money - can you afford to loose this amount, or not?
how unpleasant life is going to become if you and DH argue about this
and if you know from prior experience that your step-son will not repay the loan.

If your husband is determined about this, perhaps you could suggest that buying the boat in his name and renting it to his son might be the better bet, if any of you are knowledgeably about boats, that is.

A boat that looks like a wreck probably IS a wreck.

Some good advice here but I will add my own perspective.

I know nothing about boats but my ex-partner decided he was going to buy one to 'do up.' When I went to the boatyard with him I was honest about the one he wanted to buy and he did listen but then bought another one. He knew nothing about boats and didn't listen to any advice. Our relationship was on the ropes by then and I think the boat was abandoned and probably sank.
So my advice on that one is only of people know anything about boats should they consider buying one. I would try to tell DH that he should weigh up whether the boat would ne an investment for him. If not, leave alone.

I also had a 'step' son who led a dissolute lifestyle. I would have been guarded about investing in him too, unless he had made any attempt to grow-up. He didn't, and that relationship went too.

I now have a son who lives with me about the same age. Would I allow his father to invest that sort of money in him? No I would advise against it, even though it might seem like a mirage of independence it would just be storing up problems for later on.

Just my take on it. You are not mean- you are sensible. Go with your gut which screams to me that you think DH may as well stand on the mooring site and throw his money in the water...

If you both are willing and want to 'help?' him - make a gift. You'll always resent the fact he didn't repay a loan - but you clearly think he will not.

This will be a bottomless pit ….

I say it as one who has seen our life’s savings go on the ‘dream boat’ it’s maintenance and annual costs .