Adult Daughter has caused us great upset.

Well all she can do is apologise profusely which she has done.

If you don’t want to lose her you have to grit your teeth and accept her apology.

She is an adult, we all make mistakes.

What’s the saying?

I live a good life and none mentions it, I make one mistake and I never hear the last of it.

You have to put it behind you, put a smile on your face and realise that she is still your kind and lovely daughter who has slipped up.

No one - not none ….

Your daughter, whom you profess to adore, has made a bad judgement which has upset, disappointed and embarrassed you. You do'n't disclose details so it is difficult to assess the severity of what she has done. She has apologised profusely but you won't respond because it doesn't excuse what happened.'
According to you your daughter has been a rock, has a heart of gold, would help anyone and has helped you a great deal in the past.
Now she has made a bad mistake which she bitterly regrets, and has apologised; what more do you expect her to do?
She doesn't appear to have caused you problems before, you claim to have a great relationship and she clearly needs you support.
Stop punishing her, stop crying and do something practical to restore your relationship. It may not be the same as before but it may well emerge stronger.
You are her mother, for goodness sake and she needs you.

Well said easybee.

Well cricky who hasn’t made a bad mistake or bad judgement

Of course we don’t know the severity of her actions if she’s stolen the Crown Jewels or what but I can’t think of anything other than pre meditated murder or child abuse or a really serious crime that I couldn’t find it in my heart to forgive or understand
You say lack of good judgement which doesn’t sound like a prison sentence crime
If she’s been as good as you say all her life for goodness sake put this behind you and stop punishing her and yourselves isn’t forgiveness and moving forward a good thing

She has apologised

Your her mother, you love her, she loves you. Please speak to her today xxx

Sorry, that should say, you're her mother

We would settle for me eldest daughter doing something really stupid which makes us feel the way you do, fact is she cut off from us 11 years ago, I won’t go into it right now because this isn’t the place, but you have to tell yourselves that this really isn’t the worst thing that can happen. Is ok to feel let down, our grown children can make us feel like this as can our partners/spouses etc., and am sure that whatever she did feels massive right now, but please don’t let this come between you for any length of time. You will come to terms with whatever happened and trust her again. As someone once famously said ‘life isn’t a rehearsal’ we don’t get second chances, so for goodness sake, whatever happened, talk to her, make your peace, and move on.
All the best 🌺🙏🏾

Correction - we would settle for my eldest daughter….

You will get through this. She will make you proud again.
For now, it's her problem to resolve.
Tell her you love her and always will, even though you don't like the current situation she's in.
Ask if there's anything practical you can do to support her and her partner.
Give her time to work her way through what she needs to do.

Just do what mothers'and fathers' are there for. Hold out your arms to your daughter. Enfold her with your love and protection. Let her know that you love her unconditionally. You should be her safe haven in times of trouble. Even when the trouble is self inflicted. She needs you now more than ever.
You say that your daughter has been your rock. It is now time for you to be her rock.

So she isn’t quite as perfect as you thought she was. You feel she’s let you down. But unless what she did was something that directly affected you (like holding a rave in your house) I don’t see that she needs your forgiveness for making a bad decision.

Most of our children, as they grow up and start making independent decisions, make a few quite bad ones. That’s when we as parents let them know that whatever they’ve got themselves into, we’ve got their backs and will help them put it right.

She’s obviously ashamed enough without your disappointment.

Talk to her and sort things out.

Oopsadaisy1 & easybee, I needed to hear this from both of you, thank you. I know you are both right. I think I've got all the anger out of me now, I feel exhausted! Yesterday, I just wanted to yell at her and make her feel worse than I did. Which is why I chose not to speak to her, as I'm sure I would've regretted something I said.
Today, I just feel sad, even my DH has calmed down a bit now (surprisingly!). He's definitely mellowed in his older age! I will speak to her later for a proper explanation, and see what she has to say. I'm sure there'll be plenty of tears from both sides, but hopefully we will be able to move forwards and put it behind us. I certainly hope so.

Thanks to all of the above posters! You all make absolute sense! We often just need to hear what other people think, as they can be logical about a situation, whereas the person who's in the middle of it all isn't thinking rationally!

Thank you, everyone, it's really helped to hear what you have to say!

Glad that you feel differently now you've offloaded.

This is where gransnet can be helpful- by putting a different perspective on things.

I had an issue with my son last night and had to confront him with it this morning. I was deperate for a different perspective as we had such a lovely day yesterday and he then did something inexplicable last night which made me anxious.

These things seem to happen to me on a regular basis and I let them fester to keep the peace sometimes.

I discussed things with him this morning and he admitted he had been unfair to me and would bear it in mind in the future. I couldn't really ask for more than that. The water is now flowing under the bridge until the next dam occurs!

I am sure this issue will be sorted- you have had a knock. You check the bruises and realise no bones are broken. Carry on walking with your family through whatever it is life throws at you today and don't think about tomorrow.

The longer you leave it and leave her to suffer, the greater chance of doing irreparable damage to your relationship.
I have been in a similar situation. It took a long time to heal.

She is your daughter and if you love her as much as you say you do, forgive her and move on.

I'm wondering about the lovely home and the lovely partner and the heart of gold.
Humans can be complicated things that frequently make mistakes.

Just a thought, and best wishes to you and your family.

@Nansnet so glad you got it off your chest and now can see things differently.
Wishing you all the best 🌺

Look, she is a normal human being and like all ordinary human being, she is not perfect and now and again she makes bad judgements, just as you do and on rare occasions, she can make a really disastrous decision. Just because you have never made that truly disatrous decision yourself, does not mean it may not happen in the future.

Unlike many people, who after making a truly dreadful decision get defensive about it, have rows with people and breakup families. Your daughter has had the grace and courage to accept that she made a bad decision and has apologised.

You should be on your knees thanking God that your daughter has this wonderous ability when she does something disastrously wrong to admit it and apologise. Have a look at the Estrangement heading and see how often families are broken up by situations like this. Yours hasn't.

Far from not trusting her at present, you have even more reason to trust her, because if she goes wrong she can admit it.
Anyone can make a really bad judgment now and again, but to apologise for it, wow, that is really something.

So, set the bad decision aside as one of those things that all of us could do, just remember how quickly apologised and get things back to normal, by realising just how exceptional good your daughter' behaviour has been in these circumstances, she is truly one in one thousand, hold her tight.

Absolutely agree MOnica couldn't have put it any better.

Your daughter has had the grace and courage to accept that she made a bad decision and has apologised.

It may be difficult to totally set this whole issue/episode aside but speak to your husband as well as your daughter and accept the olive branch from her - and her sincere apology.

Thinking of you.

Aww, you guys! You've all got me in tears now again! But thank you for making me see sense! I'm going to speak with her this morning. Wish me luck!

Good luck!
💕