Hurtful things about me that I never knew!

You appear to think RosieandherMaw, that a mother who doesn't always keep it zipped and keep her even well meaning opinions to herself, is the only one who may be estranged.

You couldn't be more wrong and being a member of GN I'd have thought you would know that. It certainly wasn't the reason for our estrangement.

Taking a step back and being less available is a good start Nannimo and I hope that things will improve going forward .

Just seen your reply RosieandMaw and I do not have an opinion that must be aired on everything - I agree that there are times to keep quiet - definitely.

My DD has booked a trip to somewhere god knows I have never heard of - and she is a solo traveller. She 'books ' me to look after her 2 cats but am I not allowed to say that I am concerned for her safety at all ?? without being accused of dimming her light !

In my world I am behaving like a normal Mum - helping where can and if I am worried about her I say so - if its warranted. I think I might find that hard - to keep my worries to myself - but obvs I have to give it a go!

Thank you all for your help it si very very much appreciated - even if we have not all agreed on the best plan forward.
It does help and I am very grateful that you have all taken time out of your day to help me.

I always think words said are like bananas, easily got out but impossible to get back! I’d err on saying very little at the moment.

Would you carry on working for her if she were not your daughter, and you saw those things she has written?
Sharper than a serpent's tooth.

Thanks J52 and eazybee

To sum up - I am not going to say anything about the note to anyone at all -I'll keep my powder dry.

and although I do need the money - I will look at other paying jobs - which wont be as convenient - and being a 'useless 72 yr old' - there might not even be one.

Or I could just be selfish and actually retire !!!

I think u need to take a step back and concentrate on yourself . Sometimes us mums can do too much and it’s not always as appreciated as it should be . Xx

I agree that it's a good idea to keep it zipped. I learned the hard way after not doing so after what I considered pretty appalling treatment by my DD. Fortunately it was a harsh lesson learned

I do think it's sad though that some of us put up with bad treatment for fear of falling out. We are people too.

Perhaps give notice, time to retire. Stop doing her hoovering and waiting on her online shop. Give no opinions and advice, she's living as she wishes.

I once found a list of complaints about me left in the photocopier by a colleague! It was a real shock as you can imagine. How I felt changed over a few days as I simmered down. It’s all different with family of course as you want to preserve the relationship above all.
I would say absolutely nothing about what you have seen, give in my notice and let the working relationship end on good terms. Things between you will likely reset in a good way when you aren’t so involved in so many aspects of your daughter’s life.

Nannimo

Thanks J52 and eazybee

To sum up - I am not going to say anything about the note to anyone at all -I'll keep my powder dry.

and although I do need the money - I will look at other paying jobs - which wont be as convenient - and being a 'useless 72 yr old' - there might not even be one.

Or I could just be selfish and actually retire !!!

You are NOT a useless 72 yr old. I don't believe that nor should you.

Good on you for 'keeping powder dry'.

Indeed Nannimo it isn't necessary to always voice ones opinions. As Norah has said you are NOT a useless 7 year old and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Your post made me 'keeping your powder dry' was one of my gran's favourite sayings.

I do think it's sad though that some of us put up with bad treatment for fear of falling out. We are people too. Yes it is sad Kate.

sorry 72 year old not 7.

Mixing family and business hardly ever works well. At best, there's internal bad feeling and, at worst, professionalism & efficiency go out through the window (because it's hard to separate out the business side from the personal. I'd leave, if I were you. She clearly isn't happy with having you there (for whatever reasons) and, from what you say in your post, you presumably don't want to be there anyway. Perhaps I'm being simplistic but it seems like a no-brainer to me.

You are all so nice.
I would be the opposite, I would have had her about it straight away, leave and told her she's on her own now.
I couldn't sit on something so cruel as that, from my Daughter.

Incredibly hurtful
Personally I would just leave the note where she knows you ve seen it but not actually open up a conversation about it
Then yes I d definitely NOT make an excuse up of being too old or too busy etc I d just simply hand my notice in
Then I d carry on as normal and let her stew
When she next ‘needs’ you to clean the house or wait in for parcels I d be a little less available
Who’s going to be cat sitting when she’s off to far flung places ?

Smileless2012

You appear to think RosieandherMaw, that a mother who doesn't always keep it zipped and keep her even well meaning opinions to herself, is the only one who may be estranged.

You couldn't be more wrong and being a member of GN I'd have thought you would know that. It certainly wasn't the reason for our estrangement.

No comment 🤐🤐🤐

How very hurtful Nannimo.
I wouldn’t advise burning bridges with family. Just say that you’ve been thinking about life and have decided to think about yourself and your wellbeing for the time being. Give her a couple of weeks notice.
Go and join a few things that interest you, make a life that you enjoy.
If she asks you for help and you have the time, give it willingly but no more than is asked.
I really wouldn’t mention the note. Always easier to go back through open doors.
Enjoy your freedom.

It's sometimes good to.plsy the "old card". Tell your D you need to concentrate on yourself now and will retire shortly and you won't be available to help her out.
If she asks why don't mention seeing her rant and just say you will be doing other things now.

Nannimo You said in a previous thread you were going to retire at Christmas, perhaps it is time to go.

You also said you were living at home without hot water as your husband had cut the central heating pipes.

You also said you were unhappy with your husband but he would make a separation difficult.

I think it’s time you stopped working and reevaluate your life.

That's good to know RosieandherMaw.

Personally, I would give her note, say you understand she might have been “offloading”. Explain it was difficult to read and quite hurtful.

Remain very calm and state that it was upsetting to read, you are happy to leave the job whenever suits her and that next time she has an issue with you to do the adult thing and speak directly to you.

Then I’d ask her to rip it up and put it behind you both.

Visgir1

You are all so nice.
I would be the opposite, I would have had her about it straight away, leave and told her she's on her own now.
I couldn't sit on something so cruel as that, from my Daughter.

I completely agree

I wouldn't say we are all too nice.
I would say it is because we are aware of the treatment meted out to some parents by their offspring when they express differing views, and not knowing the family situation we advise caution.

Some years ago, our DD was trying to start her own business supplying buffets for children's parties. When she got her first booking she asked me to help her to prepare the food. It was horrendous.

I arrived at her house at 8am and we started work. I left at 5pm during which time she offered me no food or drink, although she had a couple of cans of coke herself. So I put the kettle on and she snapped at me saying I was getting water all over the food (I wasn't). She told me I was hopeless at making sandwiches. By the time I left I was in shock.

She appeared the next day with flowers, saying 'D (her husband) says I owe you an apology!'