Hurtful things about me that I never knew!

Did you ever help her out again Kate?

You are working for your daughter, receiving part-time wages and working full-time. And she abuses you.
How is she able to afford a holiday 'travelling' when she owes you wages? And you get to look after her cats, which saves her a considerable amount of money at the kennels.
Who will run the business when she is away?
No wonder you worry all the time about money.
You need to stop working for her as soon as possible, but not before you receive the money owed in wages, all of it,
This sounds like a business about to go under. Get clear quickly.

Justjoined

I once found a list of complaints about me left in the photocopier by a colleague! It was a real shock as you can imagine. How I felt changed over a few days as I simmered down. It’s all different with family of course as you want to preserve the relationship above all.
I would say absolutely nothing about what you have seen, give in my notice and let the working relationship end on good terms. Things between you will likely reset in a good way when you aren’t so involved in so many aspects of your daughter’s life.

That's actually a deliberate Civil Service tactic - ie leaving a written list of complaints about someone in a photocopier and is done "accidentally on purpose" (ie hoping the person concerned takes umbrage and resigns - as it costs a noticeable amount of money to payoff someone that leaves in other ways).

No Smiles. She is a nicer person these days. I think she was trying to impress her friends.

I understand is important to keep your powder dry and try to get along with your daughter but I don’t really see how.
Your daughter probs will challenge you about why you are quitting/stepping back, will you be able to keep your calm and show no signs of being upset . Also in future relations with your daughter won’t the names she has called you replay in your head?
Fact is sometimes we just ‘take’ too much from our ACs, and this then enables them to carry on treating us as they see fit.
I would say that I found the letter whilst looking for something else and was really upset, so could we talk about it and try to deal with whatever the issues are together.
Of course I have no idea how your daughter would respond, only you know this, so is your call and maybe others are right to say just say nothing. Unfortunately I think anyone would be able to tell immediately if I was upset with them, am not very good at keeping my powder dry 😞

I'm glad to hear it Kate .

Cossy

Personally, I would give her note, say you understand she might have been “offloading”. Explain it was difficult to read and quite hurtful.

Remain very calm and state that it was upsetting to read, you are happy to leave the job whenever suits her and that next time she has an issue with you to do the adult thing and speak directly to you.

Then I’d ask her to rip it up and put it behind you both.

That would be me too.

Regarding the note, I would be extremely hurt but would try very hard to ignore it and say nothing.
You don't seem to be enjoying the job . In your shoes I would retire. Do you really need the pay?

These things do not happen by accident. That note was written and then left lying around hoping you would find it.

Just write to your daughter, not specificaly saying you have read her sheet, but saying that as you now realise you are more hndrance than help to her in her business, you are giving a months notice so that the company may run more efficiently.

I would also withdraw from helping her in her day to day life. Develop an independent life of your own, cultivate new intersts and new social contacts.

You do not saywhether youhave other chidlren or a partner. I suspect that like a lot of mothers, especially when there is only one child, you have stayed too closely involved in your adult childs life, when you should be stepping back.

All of us want to help our children in an emergency or a period of difficulty, but long term continued day to day involvement is bad for parent and child.

The OP has a son who has a child M0nica.

I would have given my notice in by now, the letter was there for you to read. I would probably say I found this letter and I’ve been feeling out of my depth anyway, so decided it’s best for everyone I leave in a month. Wouldn't make a scene but take on board she thinks you are a nuisance and make plans.in fact let her sort herself out, it is what she craves.

CariadAgain

Justjoined

I once found a list of complaints about me left in the photocopier by a colleague! It was a real shock as you can imagine. How I felt changed over a few days as I simmered down. It’s all different with family of course as you want to preserve the relationship above all.
I would say absolutely nothing about what you have seen, give in my notice and let the working relationship end on good terms. Things between you will likely reset in a good way when you aren’t so involved in so many aspects of your daughter’s life.

That's actually a deliberate Civil Service tactic - ie leaving a written list of complaints about someone in a photocopier and is done "accidentally on purpose" (ie hoping the person concerned takes umbrage and resigns - as it costs a noticeable amount of money to payoff someone that leaves in other ways).

How very interesting! It wasn’t the Civil Service but her own background was! I certainly didn’t resign and went on to be promoted above her, I will confess to a smidgeon of schadenfreude.

She probably felt deflated when you aired your views about her trip. I understand how you felt, my DD did some trips that terrified me including ending up in a hospital in a remote part of Africa. We have to let them fly so I was always positive with her and just fretted while she was away and when she phoned and told me about her confrontation with a huge snake or her night on a train when cockroaches were everywhere I admired her courage. The most timid clingy child turned into a fearless woman.

She will almost certainly get over it but I'd try to think of something positive to say if she mentions it again.

If the job suits you I wouldn't leave yet, see how it goes.

I would be very upset and will not be able to pretend I have not seen the note.

Personally, I will hand in my notice asap but add in the letter that I expect an apology from her for calling her own mother ‘an incompetent, miserable old cow’.

Also tell her in future, if she is not happy with you, she should tell you directly, instead of doing it in a sneaky, passive aggressive way; writing a note in a file knowing full well you will find it.

There is nothing to be gained by mentioning the note she had written, just aggro. Rise above it, leave the job with dignity by explaining that you are finding it quite stressful and that it was time to retire and have some "me time". If a friend had posed this dilemma to you and asked your advice I'm sure you would have suggested what I and other posters have advised. Time she stood on her own two feet, you have been too obliging, she has been rude and ungrateful and daughter or not, I doubt you would have let anyone else treat you in this way.

I would have left as soon as I read the note. Don’t muck around, just leave and say you need to have your own life and interests at your time of life. Life is short as you know, why waste it being somewhere you are not appreciated?

Justjoined

CariadAgain

Justjoined

I once found a list of complaints about me left in the photocopier by a colleague! It was a real shock as you can imagine. How I felt changed over a few days as I simmered down. It’s all different with family of course as you want to preserve the relationship above all.
I would say absolutely nothing about what you have seen, give in my notice and let the working relationship end on good terms. Things between you will likely reset in a good way when you aren’t so involved in so many aspects of your daughter’s life.

That's actually a deliberate Civil Service tactic - ie leaving a written list of complaints about someone in a photocopier and is done "accidentally on purpose" (ie hoping the person concerned takes umbrage and resigns - as it costs a noticeable amount of money to payoff someone that leaves in other ways).

How very interesting! It wasn’t the Civil Service but her own background was! I certainly didn’t resign and went on to be promoted above her, I will confess to a smidgeon of schadenfreude.

There ya' go there - game, set match = proof.

There are a lot of tactics in their repertoire. Another one to watch out for is them deliberately losing things - eg important paperwork.

Did anyone see the post from Sago yesterday at 14.19?
It seems Nannimo has problems with her husband too.

My Mum used to have a saying 'you can't get hanged for your thoughts"!
The way I understand the OP situation is that her daughter intended her to find the note containing the nasty comments........Who would do something so vile!
Op, I think it is time to take a step back and let your self-opinionated, ungrateful daughter fend for herself for a while.

JenniferEccles

Did anyone see the post from Sago yesterday at 14.19?
It seems Nannimo has problems with her husband too.

Nannimo has a lot of problems, but being at work rather than in the house with the cut central heating pipes and a difficult husband is possibly a better option.

How does someone cut central heating pipes?

I'm not a grandmother but I am a daughter and a mother, with a mother who helps me. I'm sorry that you have been hurt by your daughter. While it's possible she didn't intend you to find the note, it is an odd place to keep it in that case. Regardless, I feel there must be a middle way in dealing with this. I don't go in for keeping feelings hidden in family relationships as I feel it can only fester, consciously or not. That said, there are ways of dealing with difficult feelings that can lead to growth rather than resentment. It sounds to me as if you have been doing a lot more for your daughter than is healthy for either of you. While this might be a pattern established rather more by you during her childhood and by which both of you are now somewhat trapped, it means she is leaning on you excessively while resenting the sense of being unable to take full ownership of her life as an adult. She cannot break out of relying on you and yet it is holding her back. In continuing to help her you are enabling her resentment towards you and perpetuating the cycle. I don't know whether or not she hopes to have children one day, but if things are out of balance now they will only get worse in that scenario, which would be awful for both of you. My advice would be to wait until you feel calmer about the note, then ask to speak to her at a time when she will be able to focus and treat the conversation seriously. Tell her that you found and read the note, that you don't know if she meant for you to see it or not but that it has made you realise that you do too much for her and it is bad for both of you in different ways. Of course you can frame the ways in which it is bad for her in terms of cramping her, or whatever might not sound too critical as the point of this conversation would not be to point fingers but to give both of you an opportunity to take responsibility for where the relationship is at and the ways in which you both contribute to its not working ideally for either of you. If you approach the conversation with compassion for yourself and her, I would be hopeful that you can not only move beyond this painful moment but grow from it.

In your place, I would leave the job, stating as my reason for doing so that you neither like the job, nor find it easy to do.

If your daughter accepts your resignation without asking for further details of what it is you find hard, I would be inclined not to mention the memorandum you found.

You should certainly only mention it if the paper was left in a place you had access to, but you are opening a can of worms if you mention it at all.

Whether you also take this opportunity to tell your daughter that you no longer feel up to helping with her housework, is difficult to judge as an outsider. It depends rather on why you are helping out with it. I gather she is a single woman, runing her own business and without children, which should mean she either has time to do her own housework after or before working hours, or can afford to pay someone to do it for her.

Slowly transition out of her life. Your helpfulness has gone unappreciated too long. No need to confront. Let her grow up.

Wow - your daughter should learn to appreciate you. I would resign on the spot and tell her why. You wouldn't take that sort of insult from an employer and you really shouldn't accept it from your own family member - if your loss leaves her in the lurch - tough! You are owed both an explaination and apology plus a large dose of humble pie.

Your daughter is an adult - not a simpering teenager writing a journal and deserves everything she gets from calling her out!

Tell your daughter that as you are an ‘old cow’ you feel you are no longer of any use to her or her business and are going to retire from immediate effect to live your life as you see fit! Spending her inheritance on travelling alone or with other ‘old cows’
Find a group of people your age, with your interests. Go live your life as you see fit!
Good luck, it will take courage but we all have to go down that road occasionally and once done feel better for it! 😘👍