Hurtful things about me that I never knew!

I completely understand how hurt you are but as Pilgrim Quill has suggested, was the page you found part of an online questionnaire and is there another page, or several, that you didn’t find, on your positive points? That might well change how you feel.

I think that some people are encouraged to write things down to get ‘them off their chest’ and then to not think about the negative comments again, to have ‘thrown them away in the writing’. But obviously potentially horrifying if the subject of the comments finds just one very negative page.

If anyone wrote a page of my negative attributes and then a page of my positives, I would still find it upsetting but not devastating.

I do hope that you and your daughter can talk about the page of writing but I fully appreciate that it might be very difficult.

🌷🌷🌷

It's a well used technique, and recommended to write down things you think of someone, get it out of your system, then do not send it.

Perhaps this is what has happened.

I could have done it a various times when I felt like bashing my mum, but it was how I felt at the the time, not a reflection of how much I loved and appreciated her over the years.

BazingaGranny

I completely understand how hurt you are but as Pilgrim Quill has suggested, was the page you found part of an online questionnaire and is there another page, or several, that you didn’t find, on your positive points? That might well change how you feel.

I think that some people are encouraged to write things down to get ‘them off their chest’ and then to not think about the negative comments again, to have ‘thrown them away in the writing’. But obviously potentially horrifying if the subject of the comments finds just one very negative page.

If anyone wrote a page of my negative attributes and then a page of my positives, I would still find it upsetting but not devastating.

I do hope that you and your daughter can talk about the page of writing but I fully appreciate that it might be very difficult.

🌷🌷🌷

Certainly there is very much a thing of "write it down - what you think/what you feel" etc etc and I've done it myself before now (as have many of us probably)

.....but one is then urged to destroy it (eg burn it) and that's what we do and then no-one else can see it.

Regarding writing down how we really think and feel we're urged to make a journal - and obviously keep it tucked away safely in your home. That's something that makes a lot of sense when, for example, the way you think and act is perfectly normal/not a thing wrong with it - but then you move to a different part of the country and don't know who will take it as normal and who will decide to upset themselves and have a go at you for "doing nothing wrong at all".

So - yep.....she had both those options available to her:
a. The write it all out and then burn it option.
b. The journal kept at home option

and what she did doesn't come under either of those headings.

I would be equally hurt and devastated to find something like this from either of my DDs, for whom I have done untold good things since they became adults. However, I think the best advice is to say nothing about having seen the note and try to ignore it and carry on for a while longer before winding down your involvement in her business, such that she will not suspect that you have found it. Much depends on whether you think you could do that after reading the note, without bursting into tears - as I might do. In which case I might just say that I am not feeling well so am going home early, and follow up a few days later to tell her you don't think you are able to carry on in the job.

If you say you have seen the note it could cause more upset and argument with possible permanent consequences. As others have said, she might have just been at a particular "low" on the day she wrote it and said more than she really felt. After all, if she really thought you were so incompetent and the rest she would probably have said those things to your face, so I suspect she did not really mean them.

Be the bigger person and even though hurt don't burn your bridges for the future.

Maybe later you might even refer to some of the things she said such as "I never really felt that I was good at the job I did for you" or "I always struggled with such-and-such", and try to forget all about it.

I'm sure you won't find that easy to do - and neither would I - but you would gain nothing by taking any other approach.

Family confrontation can make matters worse. As hurtful as the note was, I think you may need to hand in your notice at work, assuming you can afford not to work. Workplace relationships between family members can add to daily stresses Then start to back off the household help and only do what you are asked to do. Build your own social life and busy yourself with whatever you want to do. Don't waste your time waiting in for her supermarket delivery as that's probably why you are ending up doing little jobs around the house which she sees as meddling in her life., and you are feeling underappreciated. Only offer opinions on her travel and spendings plans if asked as unsolicited parental advice is added to the tension.

"If I withdraw without saying anything at all - she will pick this up as giving her the cold shoulder and I will have to give a reason. ( and I am human - so I'll be thinking of what's in the note for quite a while I think )
Should I confront her with this note and ask for an explanation ??"

Well, you could yell at her and never talk to each other again of course, but you are being wise to stop and think like this.

If you think there's a danger of a confrontation ending up drastically maybe with harsh irretrievable words spoken, then no, don't confront.
It is quite possible you know, that she wrote it just in a moment of frustration on a bad day, just to vent, and has even forgotten where she put it.
I do think in your shoes I would look for other ways to use my time though; maybe tell her you're fine to help her out on the domestic front now and then but it's just the job, it's not really your forte or you want to retire now, whatever.
She'll find that easier to accept than a complete walking off act, no?
So you'd keep the door of love and understanding open between you, and when she gets older herself she will come to appreciate her lovely Mum, for all she help she gave.

I think you've done great so far by the way. Plan yourself a little adventure holiday for later this year?

It would be best to keep resignation low key. Arrange to sit down together, over a coffee (or a G&T) and explain to her that you've been thinking for some time that it's time for you to retire properly and hope it won't inconvenience her if you give her your notice. She might be relieved that you have come to this decision and that she won't have to be the one to make it for you. Tact and a few white lies could go a long way.

The reason being that you are past retirement age, do not particularly enjoy the job, and want and need some time to yourself is truthful, and quite enough to "justify" your resignation.

She really does rule you, it seems.

eazybee

I think you should leave, sooner rather than later, simply saying the job has become too much for you at your age and it is not your area of expertise.
Make no mention of having seen the notes referring to you, never, ever refer to them and leave on as pleasant terms as possible.
Don't be quite so available to help out at home, and don't do any jobs unless actually specified. Take a magazine to read instead.
Don't offer any advice, just smilingly agree with her plans and let her discover for herself how to sort out her financial affairs.

This. As soon as possible...! If she objects, tell her that you're feeling your age, and don't want to drag her down. 😠

PilgrimQuill

There's more to this than meets the eye. Two things spring to mind - firstly, she is single and 35, could there be a relationship issue or a health worry which is driving the anger? Secondly, such targeted yet diverse comments sound like the responses to an online questionnaire which she filled in for some reason unconnected with her mother. For a daughter to employ her mother in the first place there has to be a good relationship at the bottom of everything.
I think I would tell her I had seen it and been terribly hurt by it and see what the underlying explanation was before doing anything else.
Then offer to leave the job if that seems like a good idea and follow the advice already given to take up other pursuits and enjoy life elsewhere.

This seems sensible to me.

We all get irritated by our nearest and dearest from time to time and let off steam, but that doesn't make us spiteful, unkind or show that we don't care about them. There have been times when I have been frustrated, annoyed - even angry - with my children, my husband, my friends, and my mother. Sometimes fairly (IMO at least) and others less so - it's been more a case of lashing out at the people closest, or of a final straw meaning that I got things out of proportion. I think that's normal in families - they all do it to me, and to one another, too. Not necessarily out loud - sometimes people moan to friends, or to another family member, or, as in this case, write it down.

What you do about it, OP, depends on how the dynamics between you and your daughter work. What I (or anyone else) would do doesn't really come into it, but FWIW I would probably tell mine that I had seen the note and suggest we talk about it over coffee or something, preferably on neutral territory away from either of our houses. Whether that would work or not, who knows, but if you start with 'I come in peace' and make it clear that you are looking for solutions, rather than a winner and a loser, you should have a better chance of improving things than if you cut her off or go in all guns blazing.

I think she meant for you to see it. She would know that you need to look for files.
If it was written as a form of venting, she would have torn it up after writing it.
That being said I would give notice saying that I want to do other things.

Nannimo has not been back to us since my post on Monday at 2.19.

I think Nannimo likes to tell a story!

Her previous threads have been quite unbelievable, particularly the one about her husband cutting the central heating pipes!

She also started a thread last year on the problems she was experiencing working for a family member in retirement
Quote Nannimo Tue 10-Sep-24 12:58:43
Hi
I work in a close family members business . What started as a nice little job for PT 3 hrs - on 4 days / week has turned into nearly FT. The job is very hard mentally and I'm just not enjoying it. It takes up all my time when I could be doing other things - and I worry about the business finances all the time, especially as it isn't doing well atm

So things were not going well then either

RosieandherMaw

She also started a thread last year on the problems she was experiencing working for a family member in retirement
Quote Nannimo Tue 10-Sep-24 12:58:43
Hi
I work in a close family members business . What started as a nice little job for PT 3 hrs - on 4 days / week has turned into nearly FT. The job is very hard mentally and I'm just not enjoying it. It takes up all my time when I could be doing other things - and I worry about the business finances all the time, especially as it isn't doing well atm

So things were not going well then either

Exactly!

Why not hand in your notice while offering to work until she finds a replacement for you. Tell her you don't feel you are competent at the sales job. After all, you won't miss the job as you don't like it.

As for her safety on holiday, I think you should asap say happy things in a happy voice about her choice of venue and what activities she intends to do. You may even begin to be happy about it yourself.

Least said soonest mended about her rant.

Well Sago - are you for real ??
Yes I have posted in the past about my problems - but I can assure you - I am. Not enjoying ‘telling a story ‘ !
I have fully appreciated all the thoughts that other GN members have offered and taken on board their thoughts - whether I have agreed or not .
I truly thank them all for even caring about my problems . I thought GN was a sounding board for difficulties which we all face sometimes - without having to say that the Problem is solved - which invariably it isn’t ! There is no answer - only good advice - which I have found on GN and again I truly thank everyone who has taken the time to express their opinion .
Maybe I won’t post anymore as I
Am considered a time waster ? Attention seeker ? Or whatever label you put on me ?

Do you really know what Sago !
When you read about how women are domestically abused and die as a result. - we all say Why did they not do report him or do anything . It is NOT that easy !
Domestically abused women are Paralysed by fear . I’m. Not saying it’s always fear for your life - BUT it is fear non the less

We worry about losing everything - everything we have worked for . Everything that has ever been important ie our family - our kids - now our GC’s
The actual fear of giving all that up is overwhelming and that is what makes us PUT UP WITH IT !!
Do Not judge me in this way - I am struggling to survive mentally

I think she wrote that down out of frustration of her own failings. If you still love her, you could ask her for a meal, pointing out you need a chance to talk to her. Then outline what you read. If she stays put, just ask, is that what you really think or where you just depressed/scared of the future. Depending on what she says, go from there.

Sorry you are upset Nannimo, as far as I know there is no rule about posters having posted before, or that posters should not post stuff that others find unbelievable. Imho fact is often stranger than fiction.
But there have been rogue posts on here from time to time from posters who don’t sound genuine and as I experienced on the estrangement thread, posts generated by a bot and submitted by a troll. Btw I can tell this isn’t the case with you.
Hope you continue to post on here.
All the best 🌺

This is a sad one but one thing I have learnt is that adult daughters don't want our advice. We need to learn to "keep it zipped". If they want our advice they will ask for it. Yes, we have a lot of wisdom/life experience/knowledge/opinions but don't impart it to our adult children unless they ask for it. And yes, quit the job - say it's too much for you and let adult daughter get her own cleaner. Develop your own life Nannimo. When we have our own lives, adult children perceive us as being more interesting and valuable in their lives. All the very best - it's been a cutting experience however don't forget the old adage, That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Sago

Nannimo has not been back to us since my post on Monday at 2.19.

I think Nannimo likes to tell a story!

Her previous threads have been quite unbelievable, particularly the one about her husband cutting the central heating pipes!

Insensitive and unnecessary Sago.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Nannimo, posters do sympathise with your plight and understand your fears, but you have asked for advice and received six pages of it, well-intentioned.
Reading your previous comments it is obvious that things cannot continue as they are and you are suffering serious stress, exacerbated by discovering your daughter's unkind comments. You have to confront the situation and the easiest, least provocative way is to leave without accusations or recriminations.
Your daughter's business seems neither secure nor profitable; she is thirty-five, she does not appreciate the unpaid work and time you are giving her, and she has to learn from her own mistakes.
This situation will not improve of its own accord and your daughter's hostility and ingratitude will not go away. Sympathy can only go so far; you have to act to protect your own mental heath, and possibly your finances.

You must still have a reserve of inner strength if you manage to keep going - never mind running a home and working full time for your daughter plus helping her out at home. Do you have any time left for you inbetween the demands or do you keep busy as a coping mechanism?

It isn't easy living with people who don't appreciate you, the constant strain wears you down, nothing is good enough and you're expected to corform - no arguments. You spend your life doing more and more to please the other party hoping it will make things better but they're still not happy. There comes a point when you have to start putting yourself first and taking some time to pick back up what you used to enjoy doing before these other family members sapped all your energy away and turned you into who they wanted you to be - a slave? I've been there time and time again, they call us 'people pleasers' - you bend over backwards for them, fulfill all their expectations - and then they use you as the proverbial doormat - wipe their feet on you. I don't know anything about your home situation but I know all about the fear, the paralysis you mention, fight or flight etc.

Have you sought any help from your GP, do you have anyone you can talk to in confidence? Help is out there but you have to ask for it, there's no shame whatsoever even though you probably feel it, I did. At the end of the day, nobody is looking after or looking out for you so you need to grab the bull by the horns and concentrate on building yourself back up.

If the notes you found are still on your mind, get a piece of paper and start writing. Get your thoughts & feelings out of your head and down on paper - nobody will ever read it except you. You can write a dear daughter letter - something she will never see or know about, and if you feel bad about it that's ok - you're letting off steam without upsetting anyone. You can write one about your husband - all the things that are keeping you trapped & locked inside yourself - he will never see it but it will help you release the fear and anger.

You can then start to figure out what you are 'willing to do' and 'what you want to do' and you might start to say to others 'no, sorry I can't'.

It takes time xx