Hurtful things about me that I never knew!

Don't add fuel to the fire. Just resign, retire, leave whatever you want to call it. Behave as if you are still the loving mother, grandmother you have always been. Try and forget?, forgive?, and carry on with your life.

If you're going to be so spiteful about someone who works for you, helps you out selflessly and loves you then you should jolly well be found out and hopefully at least feel some shame.
I would hand in my resignation with short notice for all the reasons above and when she either accepts it or asks why , tell her you've seen the note and are very hurt.
Then do as everyone says walk out with your head held high and very much enjoy the relief and freedom which you need and deserve!
Then see how life unfolds.

This is a horrid situation. I’d leave and find other things to occupy me. Don’t be available from now on to do the deliveries or anything else, particularly house work. Just say, ‘Oh I’m sorry but I can’t’
Still go to family gatherings but perhaps have no opinions on anything.
Your opinion doesn’t matter so why waste your breath. If opinion is asked for, I’d say something like - Im sure you’ll find the right outcome and smile. Keep ‘nice’ but do keep busy elsewhere. Don’t be forced emotionally to be available for her. Just be an old lady and smile. 😀 You’ll manage. Don’t pick up the pieces.
Start living! and enjoy life x

I'd be heartbroken because I'm too soft in general. She hasn't got skills in appraisals that's for sure. There's ways of saying things and doesn't show understanding
We often need very briad shoulders in this stage of you don't want a rift think it's best to hush. I'd struggle with a bit of a grudge but time does help a lot I'd take advice given. You're important & im sure deep down she values you & will be debated you read it
I'd be a bit naughty and mention one of her points in a general manner but not say you saw it written. ( we each learn lessons in life different ways). Be kind to you

Why on earth did she write that down... and, worse, not destroy it? I would tell her that I am feeling I am not giving her the best I can because I am tired, and desperately need free time and a rest, and so it's time for her to find someone else to do her, and point out that you did it originally as a stopgap measure and now it has turned into a fulltime job plus plus and you want out. Tel her you have decided it's not nice to be at her beck and call, and to have to wait for her packages and stuff, and be treated like a servant, or worse, if she continues haranguing you about not standing by her.

Leave the job, don't do anything for her from now on nd tick to your decision. There is no need to give a reason, use the broken record plan as I was advisd on an Assertiveness course. It takes guts but it works.

Daughters can be very cruel. I always thought we got on so well but I was shocked recently at her reaction to something I had innocently done.I used some food she had made for the kids as I thought they were not coming back to my house.
When I realised they were coming back I bought the same ingredients and was preparing to cook. She went ballistic and accused me of unbelievable things and all the flaws in my personality.
It was such a storm in a teacup and she did get over it but I won't forget what she really thinks.

RosieandherMaw

^What has happened to family relationships where well meaning parents need to keep it zipped and keep even kindly meant opinions .... to ourselves^
Those were my remarks and I stand by them. I also practise them and have never experienced the estrangement issues which many other GNs seem to bewail.
“Mum” is not always right and there are many times when keeping our opinions to ourselves is the tactful and respectful way forwards.
Anybody who thinks otherwise need hardly be surprised by family fall outs and estrangement - which I had never even HEARD of before Gransnet.
.

Well aren't you lucky

I have no advice as to how you stop feeling hurt over written words. I know how you feel. You can't unsee them. As others have said, I think you should resign and make yourself less available x

The other half and I do childcare on Mondays and since the DD has been off work and at home with the new baby as well as the toddler we look after it's been tricky.

It's clear she thinks we are bumbling incompetents and she has been very sharp and rude to us when under pressure.

I am, as my old mum used to say, taking plenty of no notice. She always apologises for snapping.

In your case I think others' advice to withdraw tactfully so she can see what she's missing is sound. But maybe ask for her expert recommendations for a good lawyer as you are thinking of changing your will...

That should do it.

That’s exactly what I thought ! Sorry to say - she sounds awful ! How sad ! You now need to be kind to yourself and put yourself first for a change.

She sounds like a very ungrateful so & so!

There's more to this than meets the eye. Two things spring to mind - firstly, she is single and 35, could there be a relationship issue or a health worry which is driving the anger? Secondly, such targeted yet diverse comments sound like the responses to an online questionnaire which she filled in for some reason unconnected with her mother. For a daughter to employ her mother in the first place there has to be a good relationship at the bottom of everything.
I think I would tell her I had seen it and been terribly hurt by it and see what the underlying explanation was before doing anything else.
Then offer to leave the job if that seems like a good idea and follow the advice already given to take up other pursuits and enjoy life elsewhere.

RosieandherMaw

Keep your cool, but as Barley says clearly you are the wrong person in the wrong place. If she had written this about any other employee and left it where it could be read, I would think she could have been liable for an action for constructive dismissal, so she is getting off lightly. Perhaps familiarity breeds contempt but I find her comments contemptible in themselves.
Nicely but firmly give notice, and FGS STOP doing her housework or other jobs round the house for her! Take a holiday, go way for a few days, be UNAVAILABLE.
Perhaps you have overstepped a line as Mum - we need to keep it zipped - and however kindly meant our opinions are best kept to ourselves or some neutral “listening post”.

I agree.

My thought, too, was that this could be constructive dismissal but I would just leave without notice, unless you need the money.

Perhaps you aren't up to the job, fair enough, but she needs to find someone who is and pay them the appropriate salary. She is obviously frustrated and felt she couldn't say anything and perhaps you weren't meant to read this. They do say if you feel angry about someone, write down how you feel then destroy it.

As for criticising her holiday choices, I know that comes from worry but the best thing is to 🤐.
I know, my single DD goes off on adventures and I worry myself even though she's an adult. I just ask normal questions and try to sound interested and positive even though I'm thinking Eeeek!

Don't do any more housework either. Be kind but don't be a doormat.

Tell her you're too old and too tired to be working and you're going on holiday.

Take yourself away and spend their inheritance! 🏖

Missiseff

RosieandherMaw

What has happened to family relationships where well meaning parents need to keep it zipped and keep even kindly meant opinions .... to ourselves
Those were my remarks and I stand by them. I also practise them and have never experienced the estrangement issues which many other GNs seem to bewail.
“Mum” is not always right and there are many times when keeping our opinions to ourselves is the tactful and respectful way forwards.
Anybody who thinks otherwise need hardly be surprised by family fall outs and estrangement - which I had never even HEARD of before Gransnet.
.

Well aren't you lucky

Well aren't you lucky

Sensible, I would think.

I agree totally with easybee. This could escalate unless you smile and withdraw. Good luck.

how would you describe your daughter ?
maybe write down a similar list and give it to her

Gosh! How painful for you.
What an awful thing for your daughter to do.
I have no words just think this is despicable.

I personally would hand in your notice formally in writing , to her face . For all the jobs you do to fit her . I would say to her face. I’ve decided to retire fully now .
Do not give reasons . But as you leave hand her a copy of the notes she wrote and say Oo I found this then leave immediately.
Keep a copy of the notes, so you can always re read them in cases of feeling you should help again.

You deserve better and can use your time for your own self care.
If it troubles you check in for a couple of counselling sessions.
You sound v kind this might play on your mind

PilgrimQuill

There's more to this than meets the eye. Two things spring to mind - firstly, she is single and 35, could there be a relationship issue or a health worry which is driving the anger? Secondly, such targeted yet diverse comments sound like the responses to an online questionnaire which she filled in for some reason unconnected with her mother. For a daughter to employ her mother in the first place there has to be a good relationship at the bottom of everything.
I think I would tell her I had seen it and been terribly hurt by it and see what the underlying explanation was before doing anything else.
Then offer to leave the job if that seems like a good idea and follow the advice already given to take up other pursuits and enjoy life elsewhere.

I'm with PQ on this. You need to be honest with your daughter. I would wait till the hurt and anger have settled a bit, and, in a calm and non-confrontational way, ask her about the note. I think I would let her know - without using the self-pity card of "how could you do this to me" or "you know I'm having a difficult time at the moment because..." or similar - that you were quite upset about finding this note, and perhaps that the pair of you need to sort out why she feels that way.
You have nothing to lose by resigning from your job assuming you have some sort of pension, and at 70+ you should be able to do more of what makes you happy - even if that means re-evaluating the rest of your life and relationships. Be assertive (not aggressive) and stand up for yourself, because it sounds as if no-one else will!

Having said that, I am a Grumpy Old Woman, "matriarch" of my family, the most pig-headed and obstinate (but rivalled by my 3 offspring), and someone who likes to have the air cleared in a non-confrontational and rational way so that I know exactly where I stand in relationships! So my thoughts on this matter may not be the most constructive....

Best wishes. It's hurtful yes
I'd feel like saying in conversation we all get older.you will too if you're lucky. 😊. She's not a mum if this happens she will see the other side at some point. J til then hang on to your dignity head up high, move on with that lovely grandchild. Xx

That must be so hurtful for you
I would just say to her positively:
As you seem to be progressing with your business I will now leave and good luck

She sounds more than a bit unhappy and dissatisfied with her life and she's blaming it on you. I would wait until I was more in control then turn it around.

Quietly ask her if she has thought about getting someone else to do your job - you were happy to help out when she needed it even though you didn't like the job but are looking forward to having some time to do something you enjoy. Tell her that to be honest it is making you feel a bit miserable spending your life doing something you hate, but you were happy to do it to help her. It might cause bigger problems if she can't afford to pay a bigger wage to someone she has to hire but it's her business after all.

Then become busy, and not available to do some of her little jobs and most definitely don't comment on her life. Sadly, unless she gets to grips with her life you will continue to get blamed for everything that happens.

I agree with everyone about how hurtful this must be for you. But I think it would be very difficult for you to work a month’s notice. I’m sure I would explode under such extended pressure, perhaps you could ‘ go sick ‘ immediately. I’m sure you need a rest, your daughter will realise just how much you do and as your ‘ illness ‘ continues your daughter would have to find a replacement. This would give you the opportunity to say how you have re-evaluated your life and realise that it is time for you to make the most of your retirement. I am 70+ myself and would not have the energy to do half of what you do ! Your daughter probably forgets just how old you are and that perhaps you may need some help yourself in the not too distant future. I think you were meant to see her letter, but I would try to keep quiet on that issue. It would probably lead to a hugely upsetting argument. It also does sound as if other family members also take you for granted. So I would work on being ‘ older ‘ but don’t isolate yourself from your family. Keep connected, take interest, even give advice if it’s asked for. But don’t be available to take on ( free ? ) work.

I don’t think I could just carry on without any reference to the notes which surely were placed to be found. I think I would resign as why would you want to carry on in the company knowing that you were holding your daughter back ?
I would definitely not work at hr house doing tasks to make her life considerably easier when she has been so unkind about you. It seems that you have been really helpful and supportive , aiding your daughter to run the business whilst being hurtful.
I really don’t know how I would cope if I found out that my daughter had such feelings about me. I’m so sorry.

I think that your daughter intended you to see that list because she can't bear to tell you face to face .
Your options :
Grin and bear it.
Bow out diplomatically as it's too much for you.
Have a confrontation.
You could always leave a note for her to find .
It's certainly very painful when a loved one has a poor opinion of you.
I hope that the matter resolves itself.
Good luck.