I don't want to be a child minder

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for not wanting caring responsibilities. You say you don’t mind babysitting for nights out or illness and I think that is very kind and generous of you, your family should be very grateful for that. It sounds like you are fair, reasonable, assertive and boundaried which is something many on here myself included could take note of.

Oh wow thank you. I thought I would be shot down

You're not alone Aquariusb. Sadly, we are estranged from our youngest son and only GC, we'd have loved to have been able to babysit and help out when needed, but wouldn't have wanted to commit to regular childcare.

Nor me. My younger daughter is thinking about having children, we'll certainly be happy to help out from time to time but definitely not on a regular basis.

No way should you feel guilty. Not all Grandmas want that commitment and that is perfectly reasonable. My neighbour has her GC three and sometimes four times a week - all day!! Beggers belief but each to their own . I always gave I day a week and that was right for me. It is a very personal choice , no child care , limited childcare or maximum childcare depends on the individual.
Stick to your guns , I love my GC but they are not mine - not my responsibility!!

I wouldn't have wanted regular "duties" either and not expected by my children either. Delighted to help out occasionally and have grandchildren for occasional overnights when parents go to a function.

I'm with you!

I didn't even want to babysit in the evenings.

I'd certainly help out if an emergency arose but that's it.

I shared childcare with the other grandparents, for many years, for my daughter’s 2 children. Several years later, when my sons had theirs, my circumstances had changed. I was divorced, had a part-time job etc, so when I was asked by my youngest son, I offered to do babysitting etc but not regular nursery runs etc. It was awkward but they did understand (eventually). My middle son never ever asked me. His mother-in-law took over anyway. She is 10 years younger than me. In any case, I couldn’t do any more.
Aquariush - be straight with them. Honesty is the best policy.

We have lots of grandchildren and said a very firm "no" to regular childminding.

Only my son and his wife asked us - with their first baby (they didn't ask with the next two). They were very surprised and I think a bit put out initially - but as I said at the time, "thank you for thinking of us and trusting us but we really don't want to do that."

They asked if we wanted time to think about it - no we didn't.

It's their responsibility as parents to sort that problem out.
We have done weeks of "emergency" care and ferrying etc but never on a regular basis.
That said...we will be on regular activities for a while as my son can't drive for 6 months after an operation.

The grandchildren all seem pretty happy to spend time with us and are often fed up (briefly ) when we leave!

I was happy to have a very young granddaughter once a week for a few hours as I was much younger then! I also helped out with my son's girls - one on one week and the other the next - for a morning and that was fun but then it petered out as the parents had various activities they wanted their children to attend which was fair enough. We have the now grown up granddaughter living with us plus her fiance. They're both working and they're no trouble at all so DH and I are very lucky.

You're a doting granny and you love your children but you're also an individual with a life of your own. It demands a bit of tact to refuse, but you need to be firm from the outset. Just say pretty much what you've written here - you'd love to babysit and you enjoyed bringing up your own children but you don't want to rear a second family!

I loved having my grandchildren for the odd weekend or days in the holidays. But I was glad to give them back. Luckily my DS lived too far away to ask me to be involved in child care. I think I would have resented it after the novelty wore off.

We have our 10 month old GD one day a week and on Mondays 3.30 - 6 pm.
We will have her until she starts Pre School as we did with her 4 year old brother. We also pick him up on the Wednesday.
Helps out my DD, don't really have a excuse as my Parents did the same for me with my 2.

They had an amazing relationship with my Mum and Dad. Sadly my 2 didn't have the same relationship with with My MiL as she lived too far away, so my children only saw her about once or twice a year. They did speak to her weekly on the phone but it wasn't the same, as one - to one contact.
Our other 2 DG's live about 1.30hrs away come and stay during school holidays for 3-4 days and we make it fun for them.
Sadly thier other Grandparents live in the USA.

I loved my Grandparents, such important people in our lives.

We would be more than happy to babysit and/or provide emergency child minding.

We also love spending time with our only grandchild, both on his own and with his lovely parents.

Rula

I'm with you!

I didn't even want to babysit in the evenings.

I'd certainly help out if an emergency arose but that's it.

Just out of curiosity, why would you not want to babysit?

No, you're not alone. Unfortunately, we have no option in that respect. We regularly have to look after our GS and have done since he was born, because of the jobs his parents do.

My eldest grandchild is 25, she attended the nursery where I worked and often came home with me for the evening/night and stayed over most weekends as her parents worked in hotels/pubs.

We took her with us on holidays and I loved every minute

My daughter is almost 35 and has decided not to have children as she doesn't want to give up her career or put a baby into nursery or with a childminder. I live a plane ride away, which is just as well because I just don't have the physical energy to care for children anymore.

It surprises me how many grandparents care for little ones now. After a lifetime in childcare I know what flipping hard work it is

Thepanaramawoman

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for not wanting caring responsibilities. You say you don’t mind babysitting for nights out or illness and I think that is very kind and generous of you, your family should be very grateful for that. It sounds like you are fair, reasonable, assertive and boundaried which is something many on here myself included could take note of.

I agree with you.

I was happy to have a regular commitment, but it was very much on my terms as regards when and how much and how many children - for example when I had a weekly stint with one child, on arrival of the second I was clear that I could only look after one at a time.

And we had an agreement that if something came up that I really wanted to do on that day we could be flexible - luckily she was 4 days a week and could swap her day off when needed.

It has worked well and we are on speaking terms!!

I did not feel I lost out in terms of having a grandmother role as the children had lots of things that they identified as "Mama" activities and rules which have given us a very close relationship. My DDs have always been clear that "my house, my rules", but also knew that I would respect the things that were important to them.

You are under no obligation to do anything you do not want to do.

I think it's a good thing you're laying down boundaries now.

I watched it with my own parents - ie when my erstwhile brother and wife had two children and just took it absolutely for granted that our parents would look after them frequently. My father did mention to me that they knew they were being used as free childcare - whilst they both got on with their jobs and there was no thanks in it for them (as he put it "They could have at least given your mother a bunch of flowers occasionally to say thank you") - but there was no payment/no gifts/no appreciation.

By that point both parents found it very tiring to look after two young active kids. Not so bad when they were babies - and they could be put for a nap in my parents bed and their dog (Golden Retriever) would constitute herself as babysitter for them and go and lie down by the bed watching them and then come in and announce when they woke up. But, as they got into the toddler stage - they were finding it exhausting. My father had been ill for decades already by that point and my mother wasnt feeling that great either.

They were used - for long enough for erstwhile sister-in-laws parents to find a replacement job for one he'd lost and it was some distance up the country. Then they were cast off without a backwards glance and still no thanks for it. Hopefully your adult children arent the moneymad users my erstwhile brother and his wife turned out to be in the event (to no great surprise on my part - as I'd realised years before what they were like). They were used as free childminders and then only kept in contact with after the fallout from them moving away in the hope of inheritance heading in the childrens direction and it wasnt a "real" relationship situation as far as I could see.

If people decide to have children - then part of their plan before the pregnancy even starts - should be to have thought through what they will do about childcare whilst they're at work and not act like users grabbing for free childcare subsequently.

Grandchildren are to be enjoyed - during visits - and then handed back to the parents (as their responsibility).

I don't think it should be expected of grandparents, especially if they have had very busy working lives up until retirement (or if they still have work commitments).

I would not have been upset if I hadn't been needed for childminding duties but I did enjoy doing it. Mind you, my husband was retired and he did quite a lot too. I am not sure I would have been too happy to do it all on my own for a whole week.

If my children were in considerable financial difficulties, whatever my preferences in the matter, I would have helped out. It is very difficult for young people these days as nursery costs are so high and quality of care isn't always great.

Our grandchildren are in their 30's and teens now so there is no need for regular child care. At the age of 75, I don't think I would be able to do a full week, but I would have done some days if it had been needed.

What I find really annoying to read is about parents who constantly lay down the law about how the child should be fed, entertained, etc, etc, and who have an ongoing expectation that their parents will take on child care. Fortunately our children have been very appreciative.

Cannot imagine not helping out, isn’t that what families do, help each other?

I think everyone should do as they wish, bearing in mind their own capabilities and lives. Only our eldest DD has children (now early teens) and we did a lot of childminding pre-school. Whilst we loved it, it was an hour each way, and of course we were younger, but if we did a full day we were utterly exhausted. Our youngest DD is having IVF and is 200 miles away. I have this mad idea to buy a flat near her in order to help out but am pretty sure I couldn't even manage a half day now!

I took on the job of looking after two grandchildren, one after the other, so that their parents could work and make the cost less. At my home some days and took them to nursery other days, it still cost parents a lot for the nursery, l didn't charge them at all.
It was interesting to do it, teaching letters and numbers and playing with them. All sorts of fun.
I was very pleased to do it and never thought not to, l was just retired from work myself and knew how important it was that l was reliable.
They are older now so l am "free".
I have since joined clubs etc and l see people at them who are younger than me, at the age l was when l was looking after my grandchildren. Yes, they go on lots of outings and holidays etc which l was not able to.
But l feel what l spent my time doing then was more worthwhile . I don't regret it at all.
My daughter and her family gained from keeping jobs and pensions etc. And are still appreciative of what l did
Why not help out? That's what a family is about