I don't want to be a child minder

I am a hands on Granny and how. At 77 I still help out a lot but it has been my choice. I have enjoyed it and have such wonderful memories.

However, it is a wise grandparent who realises that childcare is not for them. Being honest from the start is the best policy all round. I can see no value in you providing childcare if it was under sufferance. That would not be fair on anyone, particularly the children.

I'm in the "I've had my turn" camp, so no commitment but very happy to be the "fun gran" and take my grandson on outings. I also did a fair share of babysitting, including overnight.

I understand sometimes grandparents have to do more due to circumstances.

I sometimes look at my adult children's generation peers and think ... the high flying jobs for both parents... wonderful, but - at what cost?

We used to do 2/3 days a week, usually three because the other grandparents were always calling off at the last minute.
This time round we do one day a week and occasionally the school runs for our other son's daughter. We couldn't manage anymore, unless it was an emergency.

I have loved doing it most of the time and we have developed a loving relationship with both our granddaughters. I really miss them, when they are not here.

I do not see myself as a surrogate mother, just a mum trying to support my children. I was a stay at home mum, for I had no-one to help with childminding and one of my children was in poor health.
That break certainly affected my career progress and left me lagging behind my peers. However, I do not regret it one bit and made up for it once they were all at secondary school..

I really don’t want to sound as if I am virtue-signalling but you only get out of a relationship what you put in. I and my children and my children are testament to that.
I “loved” my grandparents when I was a child because of who they were, but they never ever looked after my sister or me. We had tea with my Scottish grandparents every Sunday afternoon but I would sit in a corner drawing or colouring (granny always called it scribbling) - we were never close.
My other GPs lived in Germany and we saw them on average once a year, again there was no close relationship but we ticked along together well enough.
My own parents played little part in my children’s upbringing but my Dad loved spending time with them and showed great empathy. He “got” them.
The girls stayed with DH’s parents for little holidays and loved it! They were the ones who came to stay when I was in hospital having D3, and after Grandpa died, granny was the one who held the fort for me in an emergency,.
Consequently all three girls were very close to her and devastated when she died.
Of my 6 GC I am closest to the eldest as I looked after him once a week after nursery so that D could work late, I also saw more of the next two but DH’s diminishing health was a problem.
Sorry to go on at length, but I feel there is a direct correlation between the depth of the relationship, even allowing for age, and the time and attention I was able to give them.
Covid and circumstances made it impossible to spend as much time with D2 and 3’s children in the early years and I am working on it now, but 15 years older than I was at the start.
So to sum up, of course you are not under any obligation to look after your GC (“my children,:my problem” D1 once said when I was once physically unable to help out) but I would bet all the grans who do spend more time with their DGC would bear me out that the value to your relationship is priceless.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP or alone in that point of view.

I've definitely done a share of childminding, more on an ad hoc basis than tied down to regular dates. Our grandchildren come for a weekend, or part of it, probably a couple of times a month. Before ours arrived my husband had played a large part in his older grandchildren's lives, particularly when his son their father died suddenly when they were very young. Of late he has also started to take our grandson, aged 10 to the driving range having bought him a couple of golf clubs at Christmas, he made the same offer to our granddaughter but she decided it wasn't for her, so I get the short straw, or long depending on one's opinion of Starbucks to head off there with her for a Frappucino yuk looking beverage her and me a coffee then a mooch around the shops

I think I, or I should say we, have tried to pitch ourselves somewhere between being permanently available, anytime. There have been occasions when we have had other arrangements and have said so and the outright "no/never" My husband told me his mother's stock answer when he had his first children from a previous marriage was "you had them, you look after them" and although I liked her my opinion of that was "so intransigent and unhelpful, they, his parents, were fairly young grandparents then", but that attitude was pretty prevalent then. And I did say to him, "you should have said, but I looked after younger siblings after school until you came home, so actually you owe me!" he "I don't think that would have gone down well" He's always said to me "there's more to life than being a professional grandparent" but for all his protestations he kind of is unintentionally has had a great input with all of them. I suppose that the upside is greater involvement fosters a closer relationship. In retrospect I wish I'd had more conversations with my own grandparents the older I became the more remote the relationship.

Aside from my personal pov, I'm amazed at what some presume from both sides, the children who expect their parents be always on tap for child minding, no matter what their commitments, distance, state of health etc are and the ridiculous grandparents who demand time and sleep overs with grand babies when the parents aren't happy about that.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

I was working full time when our first grandchild arrived so regular childcare was never possible. However it suited me because I wanted to be grandmother not a surrogate mum.

Just quoting because it was a first and made me smile. We agree, FGT2 - amazing!

😁😁

Our agreement was that we would cover holiday that couldn’t be covered by my daughter, and emergency sick (unless of course it was very serious - thankfully never)

It worked well.

I have one grandchild and am unlikely to have any more. I had retired when she was born. I am happy to look after her when required but as they live an hour and a half away, it would be difficult to do anything last minute! Sadly, the other grandmother died a few years. She was unable to look after her anyway as she had dementia. Such a shame as she only lived a couple of miles away.

My in-laws would invite our boys to stay with them in their seaside B&B for a couple of weeks every summer, But they would only take 2 which left the third utterly miserable and jealous and he was much harder to keep amused without the 2 big brothers.
So though it was fabulous for the big boys, it wasn't much help to me. 😂🤣

Later, when our DD was growing up they took her and her cousin to live with them in France where the girls went to the local village school for a term.
Poor son #3. He has no hard feelings.
Looking back we were lucky. I chose my in-laws well. I'm not nearly as exciting.

Nope you're not alone. I loved bringing up my children but have no desire to look after grandchildren. I am enjoying my retirement, have a full life and don't want to have a role as childminder or anything similar! Its as big a mystery to me, why anyone would want to do this, as it is to them, why I wouldn't want to, I think! That said, if theres an emergency they know I will always step in if I can and I don't mind the odd night babsitting if need be.

In previous generations, when women stayed at home and did not work, they were expected to look after their children.

I am fortunate I come form a long line of working mothers, my mother was the first to work because she wanted to. All the others had worked from necessity, but even then childcare was seen as the responsibility of the parents and grand parents were not involved, other than in a peripheral fashion.

Looking after grandchildren for the last 14 years has been the best time of my life. They are growing up now and need me less - although I’m still needed for school runs and holidays. I recognise that I'm getting older and it’s not so easy but it still makes me sad.

There is absolutely nothing else I would have wanted to do for those years that could have brought me anything close to the joy my grandchildren have brought me. I love that my children trusted me and their dad to be such a big part of their lives.

I just want to add to my earlier post - it doesn't mean that because I am on "light grandparent duties" that I don't have a close relationship with my grandson. We have a wonderful time together and he spontaneously will get me in a bear hug and say "I love you, Gran". He is 10.

I get to have the best of him.

We are all different and that's fine. I've done regular childminding for the last 20 years. Eight GC with an age gap of 19 years between the youngest and oldest. I do 2 days a week with one and the others as and when. The loveliest thing is our relationship with the eldest 2, the 20 year old phoned for a chat last night and told me all about new girlfriend and promised to bring her for a visit in next university holidays. Half an hour later the 18 dropped in for a visit. As their parents have moved house a few times they view our house as home as it is a constant in their lives since they were babies. Christmas was fun, one night we had five staying with some on blow up mattresses. I went part time at work to have the eldest 2 for 3 days a week. I'm retired now so have the little one 2 days a week and the inbetweeners in school holidays. Wouldn't have it any different.

M0nica

In previous generations, when women stayed at home and did not work, they were expected to look after their children.

I am fortunate I come form a long line of working mothers, my mother was the first to work because she wanted to. All the others had worked from necessity, but even then childcare was seen as the responsibility of the parents and grand parents were not involved, other than in a peripheral fashion.

I also come from a longline of working women but also grans who did childcare. I help my kids, my mother did it for me and her mother did it for her. Maybe it is regional friends where I live think I do too much, if I go to Ireland where my family is from all my cousins are like me. Even then it might vary on different parts of Ireland

I loved my time with my grandparents. Granny teaching me to cook and going on a leprechaun hunt with granddad. They lived in the wild part at the end of his garden. I never managed to see them, granddad said I needed to be quieter but I loved our hunts and he was a wonderful man who had a hard, pretty tragic life in many ways but you couldn't find a more loving man however hard you tried.

My daughter had her child when she was almost 40. By that time I was already physically less able to be of help than if she had had a child a lot younger. I did the best I could but it was difficult and tiring. I have never been someone with a lot of energy. I was never asked to do full days. I did one afternoon a week until she went to school and other evenings etc. I feel I missed out a bit and wasn't as close as I could have been with my granddaughter. I see them for an evening meal once a week and Sunday lunch every other week now and my relationship with my granddaughter is always growing.. she's 11.

Of course we all want to help but as we get older I feel each person has to be honest about what they can offer and not over step that.

I’ve just realised I’ve been looking after Grandchildren for 22 years. As soon as the first one was old enough to look after himself the next two came along. I was 45 then now 67.
It was a lot easier at 45 than it is now but we do our best and love them all to bits, just like my mum and grandma did before me.
It is a personal choice of course. I think it’s all about not taking on too much. My mum had no problem telling me when she needed a break.

I don't think it matters so long as everyone is happy.

I'm pleased not to do anything regularly but have done in the past - long stints when necessary.

My mother would have loved to be very "hands-on" but I didn't want (or need) that - so even if we had lived close I think it would have been the same.

My son's children are with the other grandparents on a regular basis - several times a week (4 or 5 I think). I love that they are happy to do it.
Two of my daughters have children and they call on us when "stuck". We are happy to help.

I think within each extended family we need to find our own path.

Retread

I just want to add to my earlier post - it doesn't mean that because I am on "light grandparent duties" that I don't have a close relationship with my grandson. We have a wonderful time together and he spontaneously will get me in a bear hug and say "I love you, Gran". He is 10.

I get to have the best of him.

We get the best of them is a perfect description.

They come round and are in out quite often, we drive the long distance school run when needed, they're comfortable here.

However, our 40 plus years of raising infants to adult are over. Arrival of our grandchildren began when I was pregnant with our last 2 children, GC and GGC are still being born. They're in 2 parent families, no help needed.

We're available for fun, not scheduled childminding.

Again perspectives can be different. I have 2 GC who live further away so don't see them as much, every month or so. I'd say I get the best if the ones who are here so much it is their 2nd home.

I’m not going to make any comment on child-minding. It’s obviously a topic which has deeply divided opinions.

My query is directed to the OP and that is ‘why?’

What have you against being more involved?
Are you too old, immobile or too far away?
Is it something your parents didn’t do for you and you resent being asked on the basis that no-one helped you?
Do you just believe ‘their children their responsibility?’

I do think that age is relevant. I do regular childcare, and am very happy to be involved in the lives of my grandchildren.
However, I find my one year old GC more exhausting than I found my first grandchild as a toddler, eleven years ago. I am 72.
When my mother was 72, her youngest GC was 14. My youngest GC isn't born yet.

We have 3 DDs and between them 4 DGC.I probably do more childcare than I expected to do.But some weeks are busier than others.This week I have our grandson who is 16 moths for two days.And taking granddaughter to her ballet class at the weekend.Last night we babysat so DD and her partner could have an evening out for the first time since their 3 month year old was born.Next week is half term and two of them are staying overnight and the next day.I'm in my mid 60s and still pretty fit.But definitely ready to put my feet up when they have gone!
Some weeks it's just one school pick up and have them till their parents collect an hour or so later.And we make sure we book our holidays exactly when we want and they make other arrangements. But it's an absolute pleasure to have such a close bond with them.They are funny,loving and although I'm sure as they become teenagers and adults we will see less of them.But our girls have such lovely memories of time spent with both sets of grandparents and also are always there to help us. It's what family means to me.