Feeling i ve been taken for a ride

I’m curious about this as just a few months ago (September 2024) you were posting about your older husband in a care home and some tussles you were having over care fees. Has he passed away now? If he has then it can only have been recently so whatever is going on here is happening against a background of whatever you are feeling about the loss of your husband - so naturally, feelings are raw.

If he is still alive then I am wondering what you are doing and this other man might be too about a still-married woman or a very recent widow.

I’m not being judgemental but you wrote elsewhere that your husband was 17 years older than you so a gap of 24 years between this other man and his new woman friend doesn’t seem so much.

I think he will probably learn that there is no fool like an old fool the hard way re the woman in Columbia. Move on.

I’m afraid the old saying, ‘No fool like an old fool,’ was the first to come to mind, soon followed by, ‘A fool and his money are soon parted.’

I do really feel for you, though, OP, you must feel so let-down and disappointed.
Possibly a lucky escape, though?

An interesting and observant post SilverBrook

I’m not very good at remembering names and previous posts.

Perhaps the OP will come back and update those details?

Jackanory time, it seems.

Yes there is 17 years between my husband and me and I am now paying the price for this and I regret it very much
My husband is still alive but has dementia and both my counsellor and the dementia nurse tell me it’s ok to date again in order to help with the immense loneliness I feel
Please don’t judge , it’s really hard

Maybe your friend still feels uncomfortable though, Notjustaprettyface.

Yes possibly

she’s probably more interested in his wallet than him

I thought that too.
Let him go. There’s no future with him.

Oh dear. I fear that it will be very difficult for you to find anyone who wants a committed relationship. Not many would want even the first steps in a relationship with you while your husband is still alive.

I can perfectly understand why he has opted out.

Yes, I agree Lathyrus. This man has behaved honourably by telling you to your face that he has met someone else, though I’m another who suspects she is after his money and he may or may not have twigged that. I would think that someone who is honourable would feel uncomfortable starting a romantic relationship with a lady in your position. I am not being judgemental because you are in a very sad situation, but you would be committing adultery if the relationship became physical and, to their credit, some men wouldn’t want to do that - one who doesn’t mind is, to my mind, to be avoided.

Lathyrus3

Oh dear. I fear that it will be very difficult for you to find anyone who wants a committed relationship. Not many would want even the first steps in a relationship with you while your husband is still alive.

I can perfectly understand why he has opted out.

Those were my thoughts. Perhaps the fact that your husband was still alive made him feel uncomfortable.

I couldn't consider having a relationship, while my husband was alive and in a care home. It would feel like a betrayal, no matter how lonely I felt.

I would tell him how you really feel.

But I wouldnt be holding out much hope.
And not sure you even should want to anyway.
But see what he says.

But now I see your husband is still alive.
Gosh.
You still have a husband. So absolutely do not have anything to do with the other man.

These are two separate sets of circumstances - incompatible from the start.

You - lonely, husband still alive but suffering from dementia, not really in a position to start a new relationship (questionable advice from a counsellor).

Male friend from the past, apparently single, about to go to Colombia for a month, goes there, and meets a woman he’s interested in and intends to return to.

He has visited you and told you honestly his position. You haven’t said whether you’ve told him your situation, but a relationship between you is self-evidently a non-starter.

Wish him well and say goodbye.

In answer to your question I wouldn’t bother.

Personally, I would not waste my breath telling him how he has made me feel. He won't change his mind, and do you really want to humilitate yourself.?He will say, you have misread his signals, and you will still feel he has taken you for a ride, which is precisely what he has done.

Wish him luck, as you tell him on the phone, that you dreadfully busy and there is no chance of seeing him before he leaves.

There are as good fish in the sea, as any that have come out of it.

you deserve better
he is vain

Sago

I fear you have been taken for a ride, unfortunately Columbia has now taken over from Thailand as the place for older UK men to find a wife.

I think he was probably hedging his bets.

Here’s a link.

www.rosebrides.com/colombian-brides.html

😧😧😧

That link is straight out mail order women.

Thank you for coming back to explain.

Firstly, can I point you in the direction of this book:

One Yellow Door : A Memoir of Love and Loss, Faith and Infidelity by Rebecca de Saintonge. More about that is this article:

I had an affair while my husband had dementia.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/oct/24/i-had-an-affair-while-husband-dying-dementia-lewy-bodies-rebecca-de-saintonge

I don’t think you have any option but to let this man explore the relationship with the woman he has met. Maybe there could have been more but what you can offer him now is limited and might have to be conducted in secret.

Let things take their course. He might come back to you, he might not but if and when he does, your circumstances might have changed.

I totally agree !

Notjustaprettyface

Yes there is 17 years between my husband and me and I am now paying the price for this and I regret it very much
My husband is still alive but has dementia and both my counsellor and the dementia nurse tell me it’s ok to date again in order to help with the immense loneliness I feel
Please don’t judge , it’s really hard

Please try to deal with your loneliness in other ways than looking for a romantic relationship with a man.

As you've found, that can bring more distress for you even if you have already known the man.
As others have said here, you're unlikely to find a good man who wants a relationship with you while your husband is still alive.

I really think that was bad advice. Professionals don't always know best.

You'd do best to find friendships rather than look for romance.

That's an interesting article SilverBrook but it didn't have a happy ending for Nick, the partner who was still in a marriage.

"Rebecca knew he would never leave his wife and son, and she did not want a relationship that would always be clandestine. They parted six months later."

Don’t pick up the pieces when she dumps him. She’s after his money. There’s no fool like an old fool.

P
Op

Std test

I’ve been to Columbia. Let me tell you this. They are all looking to get out of there , for a better life. The South Americans are very good looking - easy to fall in love with.