Feeling like an added extra on Mothers Day

It's often a tricky time with so many complicated families... as are Father's Day and, often, birthdays and Christmas. Celebrate as and when you can!

And it's Mothering Sunday - sorry, but I'm a churchgoer!

This year my birthday falls on Mother's Day and I'm not expecting to see either of my children - and I'm perfectly happy about that and really won't mind if there are no cards or presents either. They show me in many ways that they care about me throughout the year and I'd rather they saved their money

Yes I think you are being precious.
I am invited to a joint Mothering Sunday celebration hosted by my daughter and her partner,( they both enjoy entertaining and are very good at it) and it includes me, her mother in law, her sister and brother in law, my son and his wife. I enjoy being part of a family gathering, having come from a very small family, and I don't expect it to be just about me.
I have several contemporaries whose children don't even remember to send a card, let alone visit, so i count myself lucky.

Cabbie21

Just to add that Mother’s Day is a difficult day for stepmothers too.

Agree. I'm seeing my much loved step family next Saturday. They are making the effort to come from different parts of the country to be with me. I'll see my biological family on Sunday. We shall think of my son, who died almost seven years ago. The last card I received from him was his Mothering Sunday card.
Sending love to all mothers who have lost a child.

Yes YABU
Mothers Day/Mothering Sunday is on a different day each year and some years it will inevitably clash with March birthdays. In my case it has clashed over the years with SIL’s birthday (10 March) D’s birthday (11 March) D2’s Mum (12 March ) mine (13 March) a GS’s birthday (17 March) and back in my childhood, my fathers birthday (20 March)
It doesn’t do to get too precious about these things.
Our daughters/DIL’s are usually mothers too , it’s no longer all about us.

Exactly Maw the same goes for Easter celebrations.

My mother and mother in law shared a birthday in March. Some years it coincided with Mothering Sunday! Multiple cards and presents...

Our daughters and ds.I.l are mothers too. We’ve had our time. I hope my daughter and ds.I.l. will be spoilt. Sadly, my daughter is divorced , but I hope her children (adults) will spoil her.

Cabbie21

I can understand your initial reaction, but turn it on its head and think that the stepmother is happy for you both, and your daughter, a mother herself, are having a meal cooked for you. Stepmother is honouring your relationship, not detracting from it.

sensible post Cabbie.. I agree..

There are two celebrations here - your DD's birthday and Mothers' Day? Which one means more to you?

Personally, I wouldn't be comfortable having a meal with my ex, so I'd decline politely. Not seeing my children on Mothers' Day doesn't bother me. They've always sent me cards and gifts and usually rung me, so that's fine.

As far as my daughter's birthday is concerned, I rarely see her on the day. She lives 200 miles away, she usually has to work and her preference is to go out with friends. Of course, I send her a card and a gift (usually money) and I ring her (or text if she's unavailable). Not having personal contact on the specified days has never bothered me.

This year has been a bit different. My own birthday is just after Mother's Day and it's a milestone birthday. My daughter and son have arranged for a meal in a nice restaurant in between where my partner lives and her own home (location was my request).

Obviously, my partner is invited and he has arranged for us to stay overnight after the meal in a hotel, as part of my birthday present. I was looking forward to it because I so rarely see my children (especially together) and the hotel is in a picturesque part of the country and I was looking forward to a walk before heading home.

My partner has known about the plan for ages, so I was quite upset when he announced that he intended to see his own mother on Mother's Day, which would have meant that we would have driven another 100 miles and not been able to relax on the day after the meal. It spoilt the weekend for me. My feeling was that he hadn't considered me when he came up with his plan to visit his mother, whom he does see quite often. I confess I was grumpy, but I was determined not to let it ruin the meal.

Anyway, it's all been sorted now. It turned out that one of my partner's siblings was taking their mother out. He couldn't find anywhere that wasn't booked anyway. He's going to see her on another day and is taking her out for a special tea - so all's well that ends well.

Nevertheless, it has been an example of how complicated families and commitments/expectations can be. I don't really expect much from my children, although I'm always delighted when they do go out of their way to do something special. We're very close. Being able to natter about just about anything on any day of the year is far more important to me than feeling obliged to celebrate on specific days.

It is a difficult situation for your daughter, she wants to celebrate her birthday with her father, stepmother and mother as well as seeing her mother and stepmother on Mother’s Day.

Surely your daughters wants and needs should come first.

Elowen33

It is a difficult situation for your daughter, she wants to celebrate her birthday with her father, stepmother and mother as well as seeing her mother and stepmother on Mother’s Day.

Surely your daughters wants and needs should come first.

I agree, which is why I'd arrange something separate with my daughter, if I were in that situation.

Yabu

In the future, I would initiate a conversation with your daughter if you want to see her

It was nice of the stepmother and daughter to invite you - if your daughter didn't want you there, she wouldn't have told tou

No, I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable. Your feelings are understandable. Mother’s Day can be a sensitive time for all sorts of reasons. Go with the flow, but try to arrange a treat between you and your daughter and make that your Mother’s Day.

I agree with Hithere. I've never understood why people make such a thing of what is in fact just a commercialised relic of a time when young girls/women in servitude were allowed a day off to go and visit their mothers.

Every year there are posts which, sadly, give the impression that some mothers do not feel confident enough of their adult offsprings' affections that the day has to be made a thing of.

Yoginimeisje

Xtragran think I would feel the same as you, luckily, I have never had that situation. My DD & I always spend Mother's Day together, with the GC my son and her H [sometimes his mum too], I'd be upset if not. We are going out for a meal this year, so all can relax and enjoy.

So your son in law prioritises seeing you rather than his own mother, and the poor woman sometimes gets invited to lunch? You would be upset if not, what about his mother, bet she gets pretty upset not seeing her son on Mother’s Day. Lucky you, unlucky mil.

It makes me realise what a great person my husband is. Pre children both mothers were collected and bought to us for the day with both of us cooking. When our son came along we would still bring both mothers here with husband doing all the cooking, then when old enough, son helping with cooking, serving and washing up.

Son now lives with his partner and we and his partner’s parents have been invited there for lunch.

nandad

Yoginimeisje

Xtragran think I would feel the same as you, luckily, I have never had that situation. My DD & I always spend Mother's Day together, with the GC my son and her H [sometimes his mum too], I'd be upset if not. We are going out for a meal this year, so all can relax and enjoy.

So your son in law prioritises seeing you rather than his own mother, and the poor woman sometimes gets invited to lunch? You would be upset if not, what about his mother, bet she gets pretty upset not seeing her son on Mother’s Day. Lucky you, unlucky mil.

It makes me realise what a great person my husband is. Pre children both mothers were collected and bought to us for the day with both of us cooking. When our son came along we would still bring both mothers here with husband doing all the cooking, then when old enough, son helping with cooking, serving and washing up.

Son now lives with his partner and we and his partner’s parents have been invited there for lunch.

Your husband sounds like a gem.. how thoughtful and caring..

pascal30 he is. I think I should celebrate him next Sunday!

That's fine nandad, if everybody lives relatively near to each other and everybody gets on. When I was married and before children, my husband I lived over 200 miles from our parents - in different directions.

Then it all got very complicated. We got divorced. My ex got remarried, so my children had a stepmother. Ex's mother always wanted to see him - and her grandchildren. Meanwhile, my children wanted to see their mother (me) and my mother used to put pressure on me to see her - with grandchildren. Not only that, but ex's second wife wanted to see her own mother and children.

PS. And don't even get me started on Christmas!

I hadn't realised it was mother's day till I saw this thread. Doesn't mean much to me. My ACs care about me and that is enough.
Nice for you to be out for dinner and your DD will be there.

AGAA4

I hadn't realised it was mother's day till I saw this thread. Doesn't mean much to me. My ACs care about me and that is enough.
Nice for you to be out for dinner and your DD will be there.

It doesn't mean that much to me either, although my children have always remembered to send me a card etc. When they had fewer commitments, they would come to see me. It sometimes coincided with my birthday, so it was always a nice gathering.

If your post is addressed to me AGAA4 I won't be having a meal out with my DD for Mother's Day, but because it's a milestone birthday.

Sorry growstuff it was meant for the OP.

It is a commercial made up day.

AGAA4

Sorry growstuff it was meant for the OP.

No problem. Your post immediately followed mine, so I wasn't sure.

I guess it depends how amicable you are with your ex and his wife. If it were me I wouldn’t go and arrange something with my daughter for another day.