Could anyone offer some wise words on a step daughters who openly can't stand me?

Silverbrooks

I have an almost photographic memory which is why I remember things and remember the last time you posted about this issue but under another name. It was only a few weeks ago.

It was just ten months ago, 3 May 2024 to be precise, that you wrote here : for four years I have been desperately in love with my partner. I thought I'd found my person.

That was a different man altogether - the one you are now describing as a 4 year relationship which I do find a bit embarrassing as he is a local man, a bit of an odd ball and yes, we were engaged for a while before I gave the ring back. Again, you posted a huge amount of detail about his life and his unpleasant children.

Five years before that, posting in 2019, you were still married to someone else.

Here you are in March 2025 saying:

My partner tried to speak with her first when we got engaged … When we told her, she was visibly shaken, angry, tearful, and then wouldn't speak to her dad for almost a week. She withheld contact with the grandchildren … 6 months on, she continues to not want contact with me.

Working back in time, you say you got engaged six months ago so that would be say October 2024 … less than six months after you were bereft over this other man you were desperately in love with.

You seem to have got over him very quickly to have met someone so soon who has become the latest love of your life and become engaged so quickly. These things happen but I can see why it might be looked upon as suspicious and hasty.

In January 2024, you said you were living in a caravan. I could be homeless with my children any day and the local authority can't help me.

If everybody in this small community knows one another, knows one another’s business, and you say the daughter was disgusted that I’d been engaged before, so she knows you were on the rebound and from whom, knows your background and maybe knows that you literally seem to go from one man to another, can you not understand why she might be worrying about what her father is getting into?

I am sorry that you have been through some difficult times but you must be able to see why the thought of this planned marriage is worrying her so much, and what your motives might be even if you claim they are not material.

The very obvious answer is to not get married; to not rush headlong into this, if at all. Where’s the fire?

Well spotted Silverbrooks………..could all this be research for a romance novel?

Just a speedy reply but on a quick read, OP, I'd say your partner's daughter/your potential stepdaughter is a spoilt brat.

I have spent some time amongst people who are well off and their lifestyle says buckets, especially if they own property and live in the country. They often form inclusive little family groups and they are (secretly) very judgmental about others especially those who are different from them and, heaven forbid, perceived as from a lower class who have to work for their income.

I know there's going to be a round of protest now, and it's true that we are all different and behave differently if we are well off but what you have described OP would make me run a mile. The daughter's opinions will never really change and under the surface, there will always be derision and pointed remarks, are you willing to live under that strain? And you will be seen as the woman who took daddy away, regardless of his own wishes, of course they will say you are manipulative and stealing their dad, it suits them because they don't want you in the family.

I have no idea about other postings you have made, I'm just chilled by what you may be getting into and I agree with what SporeRB said above about therapy and repeating childhood patterns. Comments suggesting the need for therapy don't go down well on GN but often behaviour does relate to what happened to us earlier in life. You sound like a decent person with other possibilities in life, go carefully and think hard about what you can deal with especially if you are finding you are struggling now. All the very best.

Why do you have to get married? I wouldn’t do it with all of that baggage because I did this myself. I hurried my youngest son (then aged 14) and myself into my partners house after we had gone together for only one year. He had the daughter from hell and a nutcase son. The daughter hated me and eventually ran off to live with his ex wife - their mam. The son was with us for 3 years and he constantly ran back to his mam with stories. Then one day she moved away from the area and only came for their son every fortnight on a weekend. She accused me of making his life a misery when i actually tried my best and he was quietly devious while here. My stuff was searched constantly and things went missing etc until he eventually moved out to live with his mam. He is still with her and he is 32! The early days were hell and yet I stuck them out but looking back I would never do it again. Think before you take that move because life is too short and you can’t relive it again.

JdotJ

Lies, lies, lies

Why do you say: Lies, lies, lies?

If that’s concise….

The OP states “I will try to be concise and not drivel on”. And then - does neither!

I think the daughter has her sussed….

The therapy is a good thing but I bet it's expensive!

To break this cycle, OP must attend therapy and counselling to heal herself from her childhood trauma

Well that’s a novel way to treat the partner’s daughters prejudice!

Does this constitute victim shaming? .

This is incredibly sad. When a person experienced childhood trauma, there is a tendency for her subconsciously to repeat the same pattern in her adult relationships hoping that the outcome will be different.

For example, OP grew up with her father, but he always put the stepmother and step siblings first before her. She will repeat the same pattern as an adult hoping this time round, the man in her life will put her first before his own daughter but that never happened, and she will be heartbroken again.

To break this cycle, OP must attend therapy and counselling to heal herself from her childhood trauma.

When we bought this house a four bedroom semi in late 1990s, the mortgage was based on my salary alone. I was the one who paid the mortgage, my husband paid the monthly overpayments.

That is true, Morning Mist. It's also true as you say this can happen to either partner male of female, or trans.

We also need to remember that if one of the co-habiting parties dies without having made a will the law gives no protection to the survivor, who may end up homeless. Marriage or civil partnership offer a very valuable protection.

her

Silverbrooks, no relationship is perfect. Moreover some women prefer a father figure in a sexual or romantic partnership.

I do agree the OP needs more insight into he motivations.

Norah wrote:
"Our daughters earn as well or better than their husbands, married for love. I assume logical people choose love oner security, I did."

But women still have to be pregnant and breast feed which are existential disadvantage to women, and is why mothers still need extra protection.

If the marriage does not involve offspring then Norah is correct, but if offspring are planned then the child bearer and her children need extra protection.

Wow, Silverbrooks
I wondered why the poster has not come to reply to all this

That’s a very interesting point. The more I think about it the more I think this is not about the daughter other than to use her as an ongoing excuse for a relationship that isn’t really what OP wants. There’s simply too much criticism of the daughter based on her lifestyle and perceived slights with little attempt to understand why she is opposed to this hasty union.

There’s a concurrent thread here about gut instincts and I suspect these are partly responsible for what’s happened here but only partly. OP has clearly resented the daughter’s hedonistic lifestyle right from the start. She was banging on about it nine months ago when she first knew this man and is still doing so now. Why does it bother her so much that she writes about it repeatedly here, three times now, while claiming she is not preoccupied by it?

The recurrent lifelong theme has been, Other women don’t like me. I don’t fit in. I don’t understand why. It’s a huge shoulder chip to carry around.

My gut instinct fwiw is that she knows that neither man she was engaged to in 2024 was or is a good choice. One man lived in squalor and seemed to have serious mental health issues. The other is old enough to be her father and his family’s lifestyle is not one she feels at all comfortable with.

Some people press on with a relationship when they know it isn’t really what they want and look for other people to blame. Why do I say this? Because OP says: I have also halted plans to foster and move abroad for work and travel. Fostering a child and moving abroad is not something one does on a whim. If that’s true then why halt the plans? That isn’t anything to do with the daughter. Why not foster alone or seek a partner who shares those aims? As I understand it, there is no upper age limit on fostering so long as someone feels they have the energy and determination to make a difference to a child or young person. At 70 someone can still move abroad and travel so why must these plans be put on hold? It makes me wonder what shape this man is in that they are already talking about his care needs and the prospect of her being widowed early.

Ithink this person has two accounts under different names and uses both interchangeably. Her last post, along similar lines to this one, was only a few weeks before that. I remembered it because of the graphic way in which the people are described. She was given a lot of advice and then asked to have the thread deleted. She has posted many times in the past, always very long posts describing her successive troubled relationships in great detail
Every one of them is a drama. I recognise a pattern which is this. It is always about the other women in the man’s life: First it was her stepmother, then (amongst other things) her former husband’s female colleages and friends, then her previous fiancé’s daughter and now her latest fiancé’s daughter

Interesting and insightful post Silverbrooks
I was tempted to quote the whole post because I think you have absolutely got it.
Yes OP has a problem, but this is not it as I not infrequently found as a Sam, dealing with night calls which were not what they seemed to be.
Fantasists? Possibly. Needy? Certainly

I thought it worth an objective analysis. When someone uses social media repeatedly over time to play out their personal problems in great detail, repeatedly asking for advice, always painting themselves as the victim, they should be prepared to hear things they may not want to hear. I suspect what she wants to hear is, Poor you. This women is horrible. And maybe she isn’t very nice but she doesn’t get to put her side of the story. It might help for an outsider to suggest what the daughter might be feeling, taking into account not just what’s described in the biased opening post but in other posts over the last six years which paint a much broader picture of the OP’s life.

We know that new relationships can be problematic for exisiting family members. It’s not in the least bit unusual for the new person to be viewed with suspicion especially when there is disparity in age, money and lifestyle. All three are apparent here.

It takes time to build trust. This May to December couple, rushing headlong into engagement within weeks of meeting, hot on the heels of her last engagement didn’t give his daughter time for that.

If this couple are genuinely in love and not embarking on some mutally co-dependent relationship - she looking for a father figure, he looking for a future carer, then why can they not slow things down to prove (to themselves as well as others) that this relationship really is based on an enduring love? Marriage doesn’t prove anything. Over 40% of marriages in the UK end in divorce, the rate especially high among people who have been married and divorced before, as both have. Emphasising entering into a pre-nup rather suggests anticipation of the marriage failing.

BlueBelle

David you sound a total dinosaur my female grandkids all expect to earn as much as my male grandchildren and so far do they certainly wouldn’t marry ‘for security’ even I didn’t in the far off days I married for love even though I got that wrong
Silverbrooks you must have an amazing brain I remember some of the other stories you mention but would have never in a hundred years put them together like you have I hope you work in a police department solving crimes.
Back to main post Get on with your life and stop making a drama out of everything
Poor old chap trapped between two women

I agree.

Our daughters earn as well or better than their husbands, married for love. I assume logical people choose love oner security, I did.

BlueBelle

David you sound a total dinosaur my female grandkids all expect to earn as much as my male grandchildren and so far do they certainly wouldn’t marry ‘for security’ even I didn’t in the far off days I married for love even though I got that wrong
Silverbrooks you must have an amazing brain I remember some of the other stories you mention but would have never in a hundred years put them together like you have I hope you work in a police department solving crimes.
Back to main post Get on with your life and stop making a drama out of everything
Poor old chap trapped between two women

We’re not discussing what will happen in the future, it may well be that women earn as much as men, the average middle aged woman today is likely to earn a lot less than men.
You should marry for love of course, if you don’t want to do that, fine as long as you understand you could leave with nothing.
There is very little downside to getting married unless you are wealthy yourself, the OP doesn’t not sound in that position

That’s amazing Silverbrooks. You should have been a detective! I remember you saying recently that you have an almost photographic memory.

I think this person has two accounts under different names and uses both interchangeably. Her last post, along similar lines to this one, was only a few weeks before that. I remembered it because of the graphic way in which the people are described. She was given a lot of advice and then asked to have the thread deleted. She has posted many times in the past, always very long posts describing her successive troubled relationships in great detail.

Every one of them is a drama. I recognise a pattern which is this. It is always about the other women in the man’s life: First it was her stepmother, then (amongst other things) her former husband’s female colleages and friends, then her previous fiancé’s daughter and now her latest fiancé’s daughter.

In only May 2024, she wrote that she was still desperately in love with her fiancé (the previous one) and bereft that they were parting. She described in another post how she and her children lived in a caravan in his garden (his own home being too squalid to live in) and was hoping the council would rehouse her.

Just two months later, in late July 2024, this is the first complaint about the latest fiancé’s daughter:

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1338815-Troublesome-children-opinions-please

I have met a fabulous partner. We are compatible in so many ways … I had slight alarm bells due to huge differences in how we both function. I have two children and always have had to work full time … His daughter on the other hand is looked after by a very wealthy farming family plus husband, 4 kids under 12...yet in three months has managed 4 trips abroad and one in this country without children … she is an utter princess and I am very careful not to tread on her toes when it comes to her relationship with her dad … They are very close and she is definitely used to everyone running around after her despite my partner maintaining his daughter is the picture of an independent woman. So, slightly green eyes monster aside...I accept we are different but hoped to be able to gently become accepted into the family. I don't want things to change for her and her relationship with her dad and I am adamant about impeding on their time...however, did spend some time with her yesterday. It was an utter nightmare. She talked about herself and the kids the whole time … The thing is, my last relationship broke my heart entirely. I am probably still not over the nastiness of my exes children and the thought of it happening again is awful ..and it is!! They are clearly threatened …

OP claims here: I don't dislike any of his family. So why was she already calling his daughter an utter princess? Clearly she isn’t using the phrase as a term of endearment.

If I were to put on an amateur psychologist’s hat, OP is looking for a father figure (she has admitted as much herself), is constantly looking for signs of acceptance or rejection and to be the winner in some imagined contest over a man. This is her writing in February 2022:

I grew up in what used to be called a "broken home" and my sisters and my mum moved away leaving me with my dad. [One might ask why?] He met a new partner and her and the children moved in. It didn't work. My step took a disliking to me straight away … Fast forward to my own adulthood, I worked full time in care settings … met a much older man and became a step mum at 20. It hasn't surprised me that I looked for a father figure … Fast forward a few years and I meet a lovely man [she’s talking about the last one - the oddball in the opening post here - not this latest]. A friendship then relationship developed. I have never felt love like it, we are engaged, but two years on his 15 year old daughter still can't accept me … she runs circles around her dad … I can’t believe that at my age, I still don’t seem to deserve unconditional love from someone.... Its honestly like my childhood all over again … I’m losing again.

Of her former husband, she wrote: My husband works in a female-dominated environment and these women have often been quite off with me. There it is again.

From her previous posts, OP is now 48. The latest man she is planning to marry must be at least 70 based on the final paragraph of the opening post. So he’s old enough to be her father, hence the discussions in the first week about what the age difference could mean for the future. He has been divorced for 30 years. One might assume he has had other relationships in the meantime so one has to question why this rush - becoming engaged to a woman young enough to be his daughter within weeks of meeting?

From an objective POV, I can understand why his daughter might be upset about what happened so very quickly. Money may be a factor but if she is married into a wealthy family why would it bother her that much? This man has two other children and perhaps other grandchildren so one would expect his eventual estate to be divided among them all.

I suspect the daughter’s angst is more about the 22 year or more age gap, the haste of the engagement and OP’s own background, particularly her very recent four-year relationship with this other man in the village and his family’s lifestyle. OP herself described her disgust at the way they lived and behaved so she shouldn’t be surprised if others in such a small community see it in a similar way. OP tries to play down that relationship now but it was a huge deal for four years according to her posts here but within weeks she's engaged again to someone else and another saga begins.

David you sound a total dinosaur my female grandkids all expect to earn as much as my male grandchildren and so far do they certainly wouldn’t marry ‘for security’ even I didn’t in the far off days I married for love even though I got that wrong
Silverbrooks you must have an amazing brain I remember some of the other stories you mention but would have never in a hundred years put them together like you have I hope you work in a police department solving crimes.
Back to main post Get on with your life and stop making a drama out of everything
Poor old chap trapped between two women

Caleo

David, the legal ease with which one can divorce is a Casanova's charter .

It’s not that easy in the UK and contested divorces are always expensive.
Wether you are a man or woman you need to be sure who you are marrying, most will live together for a couple of years so you should have a pretty good idea if the lifestyle and relationships suit you.