Suffocated in a marriage

Thank you for all for your great replies. I’m grateful that you have all taken the time.

We have done our wills and that did make me feel more secure for a time but my name is not on the deeds.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

Someone I knew moved into her partner’s detached house. His 4 adult children all had keys to the ‘family home’. She hated that but he wouldn’t budge. She rented out her own house. It always seemed an odd set up to me because she definitely wasn’t happy. He had the final say about any decorating too. ‘His house’. 🤷‍♀️ The dynamics were ‘off’ in my opinion but I saw them on the street together before Christmas so. …

This was my expereince. I was going to rent out my house and move into my partners but at the last minute a cash buyer came along and so I sold my home.

I had already told my partner I couldn't live in the house he had bought with his previous wife and so he sold it and we bought a property together.

It is interesting that OP admits she wishes she hadn't moved into the family home and from my experience this was a mistake. Having some ownership and a stake in your own home I think makes for a better relationship- even though me and my partner eventually split I was able to restart my life on a secure footing.
OP doesn't say if she has her name on the deeds but they are married, so that helps I suppose.

I’m 73 and don’t want to live on my own.

Why?

I don’t think you can have it both ways. He is who he is. I doubt he’s changed very much from when you first met him. You are just more conscious of it now that he’s retired, less active and in the space that you had got used to having to yourself, having retired before he did.

If it really is that intolerable - suffocated is a very strong word - then you have choices.

According to 2023 statistics, around 8.5 million in the UK live alone. Half of those are people over the age of 65. I’m one of those 4 million. I’m only three years younger than you. We manage.

I have two friends, similar age, who moved into their new partners' homes in the first flush of a new relationship. Ten years or so later they both regretted their decisions, not least that they felt his home home was not their home and they had no security. One of them still had most of her possessions in boxes in his garage - after ten years! They both made the decision to leave, get their own places and build a new life. Money is tight for both of them but neither regrets their decision to be independent again.

Someone I knew moved into her partner’s detached house. His 4 adult children all had keys to the ‘family home’. She hated that but he wouldn’t budge. She rented out her own house. It always seemed an odd set up to me because she definitely wasn’t happy. He had the final say about any decorating too. ‘His house’. 🤷‍♀️ The dynamics were ‘off’ in my opinion but I saw them on the street together before Christmas so. …

re the furniture.....I had to smile a little. That sounds oddly familiar.

When a person is low, all they can see is the negative and it feels very real indeed.

No matter what the weather is like or your mobility go out more. Some people get in a rut in retirement and become rigid I don’t know why but it’s a reality. It’s difficult to understand when we only get one life but it does happen. It’s important to get out do things that interest you even if it’s an effort.

I always wish that we had started afresh in another house but that was 19 years ago. It still always feels like his house. We got a new sittings room carpet recently and he arranged all the furniture. I had my say but he pointed out that it wouldn’t go any other way. I’m sure it would.
I suggested that he tried “men in sheds” or a local chess group and he refused. I go to a knit and natter group once per week and going back to a painting group in May. I need to get out more.
Also - he doesn’t want to move. It feels like I’m living his life but I’m 73 and don’t want to live on my own. Ive got health problems lately with headaches all the time and I’m back at the hospital today.
Thank you for your replies.

Skydancer

Getting old brings problems that we did not anticipate when we were working. I am sure most of us, when we had a job, longed for days off and thought of retirement as being something wonderful. Of course it can be but the reality for many is not quite as we dreamed. Speaking personally, I long for the days when my GS was small and I looked after him alongside having a part-time job which I loved. I wish I had the energy I had only 10 years ago. I miss so many things and am often quite depressed. My husband is quite clingy which does irritate me at times but it isn't really that which makes me feel down. It is more the feeling that most things are now behind me. I do count my blessings which are many but I totally understand how the OP feels. I don't actually think it is her DH that is the main problem - more the estrangement and the frustration of life not being quite as she would like. I know the feeling and some days I feel full of ideas and plans for the future and other days I feel totally flat. I have signed up for TalkWorks which is free on the NHS and I am hoping it will inspire me to be more positive.

I think yours is a very good interpretation of the OP’s situation and pretty much sums up my own, too. I wonder as well if part of the problem is that she moved into her husbands house and maybe they should have started afresh in a different property? When I’m at my partners house for any length of time I long to be back in my own home. He did nearly move into my house a few years ago and in retrospect I’m so glad that he didn’t. I dread to think where we’d be now if that had happened; I think I would be planning to run away from home.

Years ago I moved away to be with someone I loved, but I knew no one. I got involved in the local community and women's groups and eventually had a much fuller life than he did.

At first we travelled together and went to the cinema and theatre etc. We had a great life.

Then he started to not want to go away, eating out became a strain because he wouldn't talk to me- the theatre and cinema visits became a chore rather than a pleasure.

He just seemed to want to sit around in the evenings watching TV and drinking wine instead of going to the pub together.

I went out with my own friends more and more and it became a viscious circle. Eventually we split because we had both wanted different things and he just wasn't enough for me and I was too much for him.

It was very sad but I have no regrets. I can please myself now and oddly enough still miss the people I knew there and don't get so involved in the community anymore. People change as they get older and some adapt and some don't.

Getting old brings problems that we did not anticipate when we were working. I am sure most of us, when we had a job, longed for days off and thought of retirement as being something wonderful. Of course it can be but the reality for many is not quite as we dreamed. Speaking personally, I long for the days when my GS was small and I looked after him alongside having a part-time job which I loved. I wish I had the energy I had only 10 years ago. I miss so many things and am often quite depressed. My husband is quite clingy which does irritate me at times but it isn't really that which makes me feel down. It is more the feeling that most things are now behind me. I do count my blessings which are many but I totally understand how the OP feels. I don't actually think it is her DH that is the main problem - more the estrangement and the frustration of life not being quite as she would like. I know the feeling and some days I feel full of ideas and plans for the future and other days I feel totally flat. I have signed up for TalkWorks which is free on the NHS and I am hoping it will inspire me to be more positive.

Are you depressed because of estrangement from your daughter?

Why is your DH clingy? Are you so focused on your ACs because you worry that the other two ACs may become estranged from you that your DH feels he is no longer your no. 1 priority?

I know of 4 cases of family estrangement including my youngest brother which end up with reconciliations. In majority of cases, the reconciliations only happen after the estranged parent/ family completely ‘let go’ of the estranged person to the point of having zero contact for many, many years.

If you do as lafergar suggests (which sounds like a good idea to me) maybe you can "invite" your husband too and see if he will come.
If you keep doing this he may get out of his rut?

My thinking is that if he is busier you will feel less stressed about him doing nothing much of the time.

It may also be that it's the estrangement that is causing you the stress so you don't havethe energy you used to have - or you may simply need some professional support to help you re-frame your life?

Another CBT "trick" is to find 3 (or 6 or 10) things each day that are positive and write them down.
They don't have to be big things - they may just be noticing an especially nice coffee or a bee in the garden or bright sunshine dancing on the fireplace.

Notice children laughing on their way home from school - or that you exchanged pleasantries with a shopkeeper or chatted briefly to lady at the bus stop.

If you start to look out for positive things it really does become something of a habit - and is good for us all.
If you find something nice about your other half - well then you are really doing well - maybe write down how great it was to notice the positive!

At first it seems a funny thing to do but it soon feels perfectly ordinary- and it's nice to look back on the list later when you feel a bit glum.


Thinking of you and truly hoping you can get through this not so happy period soon - and emerge as the person you in all probability really are.

Beechnut

That was a lovely helpful post madeleine. 😀

Yes, I thought so too madeleine45
I hope it is useful.

The last thing a person who lives with depression needs is to be told that others are worse off than then themselves. It's a miserable thing that nobody chooses.

This might sound odd, it's a CBT trick. Make yourself a timetable and fill it in. It can help start an upturn.

Thank you lafergar and Marydoll

I’m so sorry for those who have lost a much cherished husband or partner. But this is my situation.

My friends DH passed away on Saturday. They did absolutely everything together. We the community and her family will look after her. This is the start of a new path for her.

My DH has a medical condition which does limit him but we make every effort to care for each other and enjoy our time together. And sense of humour helps and it’s free. We do laugh a lot. We say we are all we have got (we do have the DGC, we are very fortunate there and their parents are willing to let us have them frequently and they like being with us). And we got a dog six months ago. Life changing.

There is so much you can do and the suggestions here are brilliant!

Unless there are any saints here, those of us who miss our dear husbands will still have argued with them and grumbled about them in their lifetime.

Yes, we may feel that those who still have a decent man should be grateful but it’s normal for people living in close proximity to be irritated with one another from time to time. It’s also common to take out our frustrations with our own life on the people closest to us.

This isn’t the first and won’t be the last man (or woman) who retires after decades of working and then apparently does little to fill their time constructively. For some it’s a deliberate choice, happy to potter about at home and for others, they just drift into inactivity without really meaning to. It could be due to lack of interest(s), lack of imagination about what they might do, poor health, shyness or some other social anxiety.

If someone in our household is getting on our nerves but isn’t doing anything wrong - and I don’t see any evidence that this man is - then it’s up to the person who is irritable to look to what is behind their own feelings and do something about it.

I wrote upthread that these two probably both need a bit more time away from one another but one person can’t force another into activities they don’t want to do just so the other can have the house to themselves as they were used to before the other retired.

lafergar, I second your post.

Some posters appear to have a loving and faultless husband, but not everyone on here has such a happy marriage. It may be difficult for some posters here to appreciate their husbands, because they do not have a happy marriage and their husband is neither loving nor kind.

I would politely suggest that life is a little more complex than a black and white situation. The loss of a much loved partner must be a huge challenge but those of us who struggle are still permitted to have and to voice those feelings.

dragonfly46

I think you could look at it another way. Be thankful that you do not have a controlling husband as many have. My DH is similar to yours in that he asks me what we are doing each day but he is happy to fit in with anything I want to do. I regard myself as lucky.

He is always cheerful, always amenable and allows me to please myself.
Also he is still here - so many husbands are not.

Absolutely Dragonfly. I would give anything for my lovely husband still to be here. He was the best, and living without him after 57 years is hard.
I accept that not everyone’s not as lucky as I was, but can’t help feeling a bit aggrieved. Why? Because most of the ladies on here don’t appreciate their husbands, but they have still got them! It’s unfair that they don’t really want them, and I really loved my husband, and enjoyed his company, but I can’t have him.

Thanks.

The trouble with Depression, if this is OP's problem, is that you know what to do get out more, find an interest etc but these are the last things in the world you actually feel you can face.
See a Dr and ask about counselling or therapy such as CBT if this is appropriate .
There is help out there but it won't come looking for you.
But if you can discuss this with your DH without blaming him, it could be a start.

I don’t think its your husband’s fault you haven't made friends etc. you need to volunteer, find an interest, go a walk or do the odd thing on your own to lift your mood. #mile and pass tge time if day with people Talk to dh , how I wish I still had mine, . Tell him you wish you could do more, perhaps a walk in the local park, then a coffee. He is probably quite content and thinks you are.
I have just spent 4 days on my own if I didn't make the effort I would see no one.

lafergar - thank you.

Good post lafergar.