Suffocated in a marriage

I often feel similar. I battle depression and have to keep busy. My DH is a kind and lovely man but there is no in depth conversation. I keep most of my thoughts to myself. However when I do something different - anything really - I feel more alive. Recently I have started doing some things on my own because life is going by so fast. I suggest going out and about even if it’s just for a bus ride and look at different things. I often feel stifled too just like you do. So much is behind us so we have to find new things. It isn’t easy but try not to get into a downward spiral. That has happened to me in the past. At least the summer is coming which helps.

Could you do something that gets you out of the house for a few hours? Maybe volunteer with a local charity or charity shop. Some schools and libraries are good of people to read to the children. Find out what charities and voluntary organisations need in your area.

If you are a gardener, perhaps offer to help someone who is struggling to manage.

You don’t mention any pets so I’m guessing dog walking isn’t an option.

Hello whywhywhy. Have you thought about going out more than one day a week? Just popping along to a local garden centre, having a look round and having a coffee would break up the day for both of you.

There maybe groups you could join where others share your hobbies; crafting, baking, a local choir if you enjoy singing and/or U3A and WI. U3A will have groups and activities that you can both join or you could go alone.

You say you don't socialise but why not give it a go, you might find it more enjoyable than you think and if it's not for you there's no harm in trying.

My suggestion is to try to find some volunteering. It is a way to feel useful, meet new people and gives you something to talk about. It might encourage him too.

I have had my times of depression and suggest two possible ways that might help even though they sound the opposite to each other.

Firstly, if you have something you enjoy doing which involves other people, so perhaps sing in a choir or play whist or bridge regularly with a group, this can be very helpful. I was brought up not to let people down, and so there are times when I have no wish at all to do whatever activity. However , I am part of a group and especially something like a choir where the different numbers coming to rehearsal affect the sound, so I go . Often when it is a real struggle to go, I will actually come back in a better state of mind. At the least you have not let others down, and at best you have got some enjoyment that you did not expect. Also if you enjoy driving you could volunteer to drive for the hospital car service or your local community group, so that you are doing something useful, and you also get out and about and have something to talk about with your husband when you get back.

The other thing is within your own time dont be so rigid, try and be open to the day. So especially at this time of year, if the sun is out I ignore personal planned jobs such as housework or a mundane idea and go while the weather is good. There will be enough rainy days to catch up with whatever. It can be just go for a walk, or keep a picnic box in your car at the ready with cutlery and plates and kitchen roll etc. If it is not too far go to the coast and buy fish and chips and sit watching the sea and be part of the scenery.. Or set off with no set plan and something I have done is , when you see a name of a place that is quite intriguing such as a town here in Yorkshire called Wetwang, which I thought was great. Just follow it and go and see what it is like. If it is lovely and unusual great you have a new place to visit. If it is very boring, you cross it off your list and move on.

If you try this, you can do it alone or with your husband. The point is to be a bit freer, not end up looking forward feeling you know exactly how each day will be. That is definitely a way to depress yourself. When you have a good day, you then also have that in your memory, so on other not so good days you can look back on that day and hope for more.

Either of these things will mean that at the end of the day you will feel better, even if it is only not feeling guilty about letting someone down, so that helps and if it goes well you can think about it later on.

Do you get your local paper? I always do, as you see lots of bits and pieces you might have missed. Then there will be things now such as gardens open for charity or afternoon teas for a church fund etc. It does seem as though your husband doesnt have much idea for himself and looks to you for plans etc and you feel that is a burden and resent it and probably wish he would come up with some ideas. Is there a mens shed in your area? There are a lot springing up. Round here they have one and it lets the men meet up and they do a variety of things, mending tools and things and helping local charities, besides giving them a place to go and meet and make new friends. The latest thing here is they have just made some lovely deep planters to go in a garden of a church. Something like this might interest him.

Lastly is there something you used to do, but no longer do, or have always wanted to do and not tried it? So, perhaps you have always wondered about watercolours or something. Look around and I am sure you will see a course somewhere for a time , or a weekend away doing creative writing or whatever and GO. If you love it you will want to carry on in some way. If it didnt turn out as you thought at least you had a go.

There are many things I can no longer do and have met many people who wished they had done something and not tried it and now cant do it for cost or health reasons. I have of course, done lots of things over the years that didnt turn our particularly well, but have never regretted what I had a go at , but the things I never tried and now will not be able to do remain a regret.

I hope that these ideas set you off in ideas of your own, and wish you luck. If you find even one thing to enjoy for yourself , it can lead on to other things. So, today, pretend you have someone coming to stay with you, and go for a walk round the town to look and see what they might like to visit. Put yourself as a visitor and wander up the little streets, visit your local church, find the parks, look for a seat with a view, smile at people and say good morning. Its a start.

Join your local U3A.

What attracted you to each other 18+ years ago? What did you used to do together when you first met?

Some excellent suggestions already

It sounds like you both need a break from one another and some company with other people.

What things are you each interested in?

72 is no age really unless he had a serious medical condition.

I’ve seen your knitting posts so could you join a knit and natter group or even start one of you own? You would only need to find a cafe or pub which would be happy for a group to sit for a couple of hours then put up a few posters to publicise it.

Similar thing for him. If he’s a practical man, is there a Men in Sheds group in your area where he could find some male company while they make or fix stuff or maybe he could offer his services locally to do odd jobs? Again, a poster on a notice board, a shop window or post office could get him started.

My local U3A has a popular beer and bus pass group. Members chose one bus route a season then explore all the pubs along the route specifically to try the real ales and craft beers. It sounds boozy but it isn’t. It’s just men (mostly but some women) enjoying a beer, discussing and writing about beer while exploring the history of the pubs and other things of local interest.

Look online to see if there is a National Women's Register group in your area.
NWR is a great way to meet new people and discuss topics of interest.
The main group also has smaller interest groups. For instance, gardening, walking, French etc. We meet in each others houses, so it's easier to get to know people better.
Best wishes for the future.

Madeline45 , Brilliant suggestions.

Thoughtful and very encouraging suggestions madeleine.

Your theme is not that you are depressed but that you are dissatisfied with your husband's behaviour.

I wonder if you are worried about his mental health. He may simply be a boring person which is okay. Most people are not highly stimulating.

My dog is concerned about what I am doing, and I value that very much! Why does it irritate you when your husband asks what you are doing? Would you rather he was not interested in what you are doing?

Do you feel you should be more fulfilled in your life? There are lots of suggestions from other posters. Please remember that most people live banal lives and are resigned to doing so.

One of my daughters in law goes to a crochet group like someone here recommended a knit and natter group. My D in law has quite a dramatic life full of friends and other sociable interests yet she still enjoys the crochet and natter group .Myself, I have no sense of humour and am unsociable yet if I could get out and about I'd feel at home in a knit and natter group, as I could be in nice company without feeling forced to be either entertaining or clever.

Would he consider moving to where you came from?

Skydancer wrote:

"
My DH is a kind and lovely man but there is no in depth conversation. I keep most of my thoughts to myself. "

I wonder if men and women sometimes or often have different approaches to a problem. It has seemed to me that men are practical and if they can't see a solution to a problem---any problem----they don't talk a lot a lot about it. Women,on the other hand, prefer to discuss a problem , maybe to look at it from psychological and personal angles.

Irritability can be connected to depression.
I think this period in life can throw up some challenges for relationships. That pushing yourself out there and meeting people is damn hard work in my opinion and you need a degree of resilience. Ironically enough, somethimes the internet adds unecessary complications.

I do hope nobody comes along and tells you to count your blessings.

That was a lovely helpful post madeleine. 😀

I second the knit and natter suggestion. I love my group and look forward to going.
My OH didn't know anyone in this area until he started crown green bowling. We can't get round Asda now without him stopping to chat to a fellow bowler.

I’ve seen your knitting posts so could you join a knit and natter group or even start one of you own?

I was going to suggest the same, Silverbrooks and others.

Knit and Natter groups are held in most towns and also U3A may have a Handicraft group. If you join U3A you would find out about other groups which might interest you too.
You do such lovely knitting that some less expert knitters might appreciate your help and advice. Volunteer to make the tea, too, if you feel up to it! That would get you chatting to others.

It just takes a bit of courage to make the first step, but if you don't try you won't know.

My DH moped around like a spare part when he first retired so I encouraged him to join local organisations.
Now he's out far more than me.

Allira, I read your post as moped the thing with wheels that needs spare parts

I find the "every Friday" or "every Tuesday" a bit of a killer.
It's groundhog day.
Try to mix it up I think.

Can you (both) join a really easy seniors exercise class?
Even if it's a seated thing?

That of course would be every Friday (or whatever)

Thinking of you.

Thank you to everyone for your helpful replies and for taking the time. I will get back later.

Are you living too remotely? If so think about moving to a busier place where there's more going on. There will be places where you can meet new people and make a friend or two.
Your post suggests boredom rather than depression but if you are truly depressed then you must seek medical help.

I hope you can adopt some of the suggestions on here.

Vito

Madeline45 , Brilliant suggestions.

Seconded. How kind to put so much thought into it and what good ideas.
😊😊👏👏