Suffocated in a marriage

I sometimes go to the cinema on my own on an afternoon.

That's me told then, I guess.

lafergar

I like going to the cinema on my own. It's dark in there anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Actually I do too- but let's not play Top Trumps on this subject.

I like going to the cinema on my own. It's dark in there anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Sorry you're having a tough time.

I have somewhat similar issues but I'm usually relatively happy.

But the things I was going to suggest mostly involve filling up your days with varied things that all add to your life in some way. However, it seems like you're pretty well already done that.

I can't separate what is a marital problem and what is depression though, with a couple of other things tossed in there too. I wonder if getting on an anti-depressant might make you feel better, if you're open to it. Best wishes.

It’s soul destroying isn’t it?

I agree lafergar

RosieandherMaw

It doesn't take any less courage to go as a widow 9n addition with nobody at home to tell about it.
The dog listens but doesn't say much.
Been there done that, trying to rebuild a life which was dominated by the commitments of a chronically and terminally ill DH.
You give things a try and sometimes it comes off and sometimes you slink back to an empty house and cry.
Or you pluck up the courage to ask if somebody is free- and they're not. Or you hear how they've popped over to their D/DS/DGC etc at the weekend and you haven't spoken to a soul

Been there done that.
Go to the cinema or theatre or ballet on my own.
Needs must.

I once phoned the Samaritans on a Saturday night saying ‘ I’m not suicidal and I don’t want to take up your time but I just wanted to hear someone’s voice.’This was after I’d dialled 1471 and there had been a missed call so I thought someone had rang me. Only to realise that I’d phoned the landline with my mobile to check if it was working in the hope that people might have been trying to phone me but couldn’t.

lafergar

People who are estranged from their families don't have much " popping over" going on.

Nor do those whose families live ens or even hundreds of miles away.

People who are estranged from their families don't have much " popping over" going on.

It doesn't take any less courage to go as a widow 9n addition with nobody at home to tell about it.
The dog listens but doesn't say much.
Been there done that, trying to rebuild a life which was dominated by the commitments of a chronically and terminally ill DH.
You give things a try and sometimes it comes off and sometimes you slink back to an empty house and cry.
Or you pluck up the courage to ask if somebody is free- and they're not. Or you hear how they've popped over to their D/DS/DGC etc at the weekend and you haven't spoken to a soul

Been there done that.
Go to the cinema or theatre or ballet on my own.
Needs must.

RosieandherMaw

All these people in unhappy relationships, up against cliquey groups at U3A, frustrated at retirement not being what they expected, or with no say in arranging their own furniture (?)
What lives are you living?
Maybe us widows aren't as badly off as we thought we were, left on our own without our life partner

Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to go to something like a U3A group only to find that the people in it ignore you and you sit there on your own wishing you could just sneak out the door and go home .

I'm sorry you feel that way. We don't really know what another is going through do we? Only a snap shot and a name on a screen.

Personally , I anticipated one set of circumstances and have been handed another. Family members are struggling. My depression is never that far away.

The life I'm living ( to answer your question) is the best I can manage right now.

All these people in unhappy relationships, up against cliquey groups at U3A, frustrated at retirement not being what they expected, or with no say in arranging their own furniture (?)
What lives are you living?
Maybe us widows aren't as badly off as we thought we were, left on our own without our life partner

whywhywhy

Yes, I’ve tried discussing it all with him. I walk 3-4 times per week about 3 miles each time. Thank you to everyone for your helpful words.

That's an impressive number of steps! Good for you.

Yes, I’ve tried discussing it all with him. I walk 3-4 times per week about 3 miles each time. Thank you to everyone for your helpful words.

Have you tried discussing with him? Also, how often do you go out for a walk to the park just to reconnect with nature? Also, what music do you listen to

I’m not sure about U3A as it will be in the same area.

I did join a painting group many years ago. It was a large gathering in a village hall but they all separated into their groups. It was so cliquey. I left after a while.

I think that's true silverbrooks about U3A or any group for that matter. Avoid the cliques, invite others to join too.
I'm persuading a friend to come along to an open meeting and take a look at the possibilities for her.

I never thought of myself as a U3A type but it seems I am. 😂

My mother-in-law found her "new" card-playing friend through the book group at U3A I'm pretty sure. It was fairly recently - maybe six months ago - she's 101 - so it is possible.

U3A....mmm? I'm not sure. Older people with too much time on their hands in some cases! Events I attended seemed to involve gossiping about other members and not much else!

Some sort of actual " doing something" seems to work better perhaps. Walking, craft, singing, yoga and so on. Turn up for the class, smile and nod at a few people. Any social interaction is a bonus.

Take yourself off to regular fitness/pilates classes. Go window shopping or for a nice bike ride. He needs some exercise. You could both buy electric bikes and pootle about. There's loads to do, you won't be motivated until you start doing things

Rabbitgran.

I also read the negative comments about U3A experiences here. I have only recently joined U3A and have had a positive experience so far because I deliberately chose to join a newly formed interest group where everyone is new to the group and most are new to U3A altogether.

I wrote about it here:

www.gransnet.com/forums/bereavement/1347414-All-my-friends-have-died

Let's hope you have a better experience with a new U3A.

whywhywhy

Many thanks for starting this discussion and sharing your thoughts, this has been a great help for me too, particularly the posts from
lafergar and skydancer and some others too. I have a difficult marriage and am not enjoying my retirement as much as I thought I would. Being old is much harder socially than I had realised and it's also hard to have the energy to just keep going when all relationships seem less positive.
My grandchildren are grown up now so I'm no longer needed by the family. I have also been on the receiving end of unexpected cliquey nastiness from people in U3A groups. I have been feeling guilty about my negativity but now, after reading the replies to whywhywhy, I think that maybe I'm a bit depressed by my circumstances. I have joined a different U3A and hope to just enjoy the activities, be pleasant and polite to others but not get involved with anyone socially again. I also need the courage to completely cut contact with people from my old groups because they have upset me so much. For seven years, I thought that they had friendly feelings.
There are lots of good ideas in this discussion and it's a relief to know that others have similar feelings. I do hope that whywhywhy and others feeling the same way will be feeling happier soon.