Relationship with my daughter.

How do you manage when your adult daughter is always too busy to visit or invite you over to hers?

When I gave birth to my son at 38 he lay next to me staring at me. I was exhausted but just couldn’t sleep with him staring at me. I guess that’s what people mean by bonding.
My husband doesn’t understand why I’m not on his back every day. I don’t need to contact him. If you love him set him free and if he loves you he will return to thee.
We are in touch daily and I just received a message congratulating me on my Spanish language revision. He’s fluent. I have no expectations about our future relationship. I think he appreciates that I set him free.

MayBee70

I’ve always been fiercely independent. I think I just feel sad that my kids find me so boring.

I think it's maybe possible that it's not quite the either/or you are worried about. Relationships change over time and she might have pressures right now that ouwld change and she will have more time again. We do get more vulnerable about these things when we get older, don't we? Younger people dont realise but they too grow older as we do....

MaricelaStaggs

Fighting to restore love and peace in my relationship was incredibly frustrating—until I came across a video of a woman sharing her testimony about how her marriage was restored. It gave me hope for something I never thought was possible. Now, my partner and I are happily reunited, living in love and harmony. I’m truly grateful to Priest Sims for the help he gave me and my family.
If you're struggling in your marriage or relationship, don’t give up—there’s still hope. You can reach outsupremacylovespell01 @ gmail. com ). {smile}

Reported

MayBee70

And we communicate mainly via messenger which ties in with me losing my Facebook account and messenger…

Have you tried using WhatsApp?
I find it much more user-friendly than Messenger.

We have a family WhatsApp group for general chat, and I also use it for individual messages to family members as well.
It's great for sending photos, or a link to an article you think might interest someone.

I think a lot of times the emotional distance has an unspoken root cause. It may be worth having a heart to heart with your daughter, purely with the objective of listening without rebuttal, to get down to why there is so little time spent with you.

Yes, the lives of our adult offspring are full and busy. But it is reasonable to expect a bit more than short, surface contact with your parents every once in a while. Barring any trauma or abuse, it’s not a terrible thing to carve out a bit of time for our elderly parents when we are blessed enough to still have them.

The best relationship I had with my mother was when I was 4000 miles away. We corresponded regularly - no mobile phones in the 1960s - and when they came out to visit me we had a most enjoyable time together. She got on well with my colleagues too. When we returned to UK for good, we made her a granny for the first time. "Distance lends enchantment to the view" has never been more true! I thoroughly recommend it.

I realised that next weekend would have been a time when I would have been needed to house/dog/child sit but now the youngest is older that is no longer necessary. Then again, I do have a mobility problem now and they probably wouldn’t ask me anyway. When I think about it I’ve been let down so many people throughout my life and it’s only in retrospect that I realised that I had done so ie hadn’t visited or picked up the phone and now it’s too late.

MayBee, what you say applies to me except I never see mine. One thing resonates with me, I used to baby sit every week and have children for stop offers and one day out of the blue, my daughter said, don't expect me to look after you when you're old, I'm not like you. I said I don't expect you to. When I told my husband, he said she's selfish. I stuck up for her but now I think he was right.

Is it a generation thing now? While watching Corrie last night, Sally was having a conversation with Stella. Sally said 'my daughters only contact me when they want something'. I have to admit I did identify with her to some extent!!!

That sounds incredibly painful, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s heartbreaking when the bond you thought was strong starts to feel one-sided. Please don’t be too hard on yourself, we all have regrets, but they don’t mean we’re unworthy of love or connection. Your relationship with your daughter may be going through a distant phase, but that doesn’t mean it can’t change. Maybe there’s still room for a gentle conversation or a small shared activity to reconnect. You matter, and your feelings are valid.

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petra

Invite her out for a meal in a nice restaurant, order a good bottle of wine ( get a taxi home 😉) and see where it goes.
Nothing musical, you need to speak and hear one another, and definitely not something political, you need to have a laugh.

I can’t talk to people in situations like that. I can chat to complete strangers on a bus or train or if I’m walking the dog but put me in a situation where I’m expected to make conversation and I just dry up. I love the way that my children adore their own children and put them first in everything. I think that, because of such a horrible divorce situation they don’t look on my house as a family home any more and that makes me sad.

Even though I posted earlier I’ve been thinking about this, MayBee70. I can tell you that there is so much that I wish I’d said to my grandparents and parents. SO much. You say you had a good relationship with your daughter so there is no reason whatsoever that you can’t have that now. I think you ought to pick the right moment and let her know how you feel. She may well have no idea. Unless people tell us something how can we know how they feel. Not everyone picks up on things. Sometimes it has to be spelled out to them. Apart from what I wish I myself had said I also wish my late relatives had said more to me. It’s too late once someone has gone. I’d urge you to speak now. I bet your daughter will be more understanding than you imagine.

My daughter was and still is, a Daddy’s girl.
When he left me for someone else, she was devastated and I’m almost sure blamed me, Our relationship was difficult. Now that the two of us are older, it’s slightly better. She is also divorced, and takes out her frustrations on me .
I’m sure she loves me an occasionally texts me to say what a great Mum I am. I’m almost sure she is bi-polar (undiagnosed).
But it is what it is. Mayb70 you are not alone.

Invite her out for a meal in a nice restaurant, order a good bottle of wine ( get a taxi home 😉) and see where it goes.
Nothing musical, you need to speak and hear one another, and definitely not something political, you need to have a laugh.

I think we often do not realise that when babies are born, there are 2 umbilical cords, the physical one, severed at birth and the emotional one that should be severed when an adult child marries or is in a long term partnership.

I was very conscious when I married, my parents cosnciously took a step back from my life. They recognised that once married my DH was the primary person in my life - and the children that followed - they became 2, then 3rd, then 4th in my life.

I think some parents, especially mothers do not always realise this and just assume that they will continue to hold the same pre-eminence in their childrens lives as they did when they were single.

One of my AC is married and the other is single by choice. Both are in their 50s. My sons emotional umbilical cord was cut when he married, and while DD leads a busy independent life, I am often conscious that, with DD, the cord is uncut, and growing thicker and, as DH and I are now in our 80s, I worry about how she will cope when DH and I die, and the cord is cut, whether she is conscious of it or not.

You say you were once close. When did things change? Was it when she married or had children (if that applies)? Are you widowed OP? Was it after that.

Is it worth you inviting her to something musical or political that you would both enjoy?

nightowl

Now I’ve written it down I feel a bit pathetic. I don’t want to be a needy mum but I just wish she seemed to like me!

It’s difficult to explain a feeling that’s so complex.

Adult children do have busy lives. I don’t think they are deliberately awkward or uninterested in us. It’s more that they are at the time of life when there is so much going on. Most of them have jobs, children etc so their time is taken up with all that including housework and cooking. I really don’t think they deliberately ignore us. I remember a time when I barely had a moment to call my own. Also, whatever age we are, we tend to take parents for granted. We think they will always be there.

Now I’ve written it down I feel a bit pathetic. I don’t want to be a needy mum but I just wish she seemed to like me!

nightowl

Maybee I could have written your post. I’ve had the same realisation over the last week or so and I’ve been feeling very sorry for myself. I know I’m lucky that she’s healthy and happy, but the truth is, I just miss her. So I can’t offer any words of advice but do send empathy and

Same applies - she only lives a couple of minutes away but hardly ever comes - she's been twice since Christmas once literally for 10 minutes!

I thought that after her sister died she'd be a bit more forthcoming, but she isn't, in fact it's worse, and it's quite hurtful, especially when she sends me lots of pictures with a friend of mine in them .. I do go there but not so often as she doesn't have one seat in the house that I can manage to sit in comfortably, and I struggle to use the stairs to get to the loo. Sadly her visits also include my granddaughters who I barely get to see either ...

And we communicate mainly via messenger which ties in with me losing my Facebook account and messenger…

It’s because when my daughter occasionally pops round for something she never wants to stay and talk to me. I don’t really have any really close friends although I do have a couple of friends who think my kids could be more supportive but then ( especially as one of them doesn’t have children) I get defensive of them! I think I’m just feeling a bit down at the moment and being over sensitive.