Relationship with my daughter.

My relationship with my DD and all her brothers has changed over the years. It must. They have their own lives and worries.

This is a reason I would not move to be near any of them.

They phone me and still like to talk things over sometimes but I think they unconsciously resent that I am retired and can please myself!

Could it be similar with your DD?

I don’t think it is the job of a parent to be a friend to their child. If we are lucky our children like us and value us enough to include us in their lives, but this is not a matter or right and we need to be tactful as well as independent for the relationship to flourish.

I’ve always been fiercely independent. I think I just feel sad that my kids find me so boring.

I'm sure they don't MayBee.
You are their mother.
My DH died over 4 years ago and like you I sometimes feel inadequate.
Not boring but I'm not him! We all miss him.
Perhaps you should ask for their advice sometimes?

Oh I do ask first advice. I tried to do that today but it was rather shrugged off.

Maybee I could have written your post. I’ve had the same realisation over the last week or so and I’ve been feeling very sorry for myself. I know I’m lucky that she’s healthy and happy, but the truth is, I just miss her. So I can’t offer any words of advice but do send empathy and

Is it a mother and daughter thing? I have 2 DS and they just see me as Mum! Almost an institution, there for giving advice, rarely, having good coffee and the occasional chat. I’m sure it’s not that you’re boring, but we are all just familiar people, possibly there’s no need to make a huge effort on their part.

nightowl

Maybee I could have written your post. I’ve had the same realisation over the last week or so and I’ve been feeling very sorry for myself. I know I’m lucky that she’s healthy and happy, but the truth is, I just miss her. So I can’t offer any words of advice but do send empathy and

Thanks. I just miss how close we were and how much we had in common ( and still do politically and musically).

J52

Is it a mother and daughter thing? I have 2 DS and they just see me as Mum! Almost an institution, there for giving advice, rarely, having good coffee and the occasional chat. I’m sure it’s not that you’re boring, but we are all just familiar people, possibly there’s no need to make a huge effort on their part.

Mine never take advice from me. Which saddens me as ( and most people don’t realise this about me) I’m actually quite practical and sensible. I tried to give my DIL some very good advice health wise the other day but she and my son chose to ignore me ( must point out that I rarely hand out advise like that but it had been passed in by someone who had been in a similar situation and who stressed how important it was).

What makes you think your children find you so boring?
Do you have a really close friend that also know your children.

I ask this because one of my very close friend had a very difficult relationship with her daughter.
One day she called round as she was very upset with the situation.
To cut a long story short, I told her what the problem was. It was her attitude to most things.
She didn’t say a word, she just got up and left.
2 days later she popped round again to thank me ( profusely) 😊
She had thought deeply as to what I’d said and knew it was true.
We are still the closest of friends.
Ask a friend for their honest opinion.

It’s because when my daughter occasionally pops round for something she never wants to stay and talk to me. I don’t really have any really close friends although I do have a couple of friends who think my kids could be more supportive but then ( especially as one of them doesn’t have children) I get defensive of them! I think I’m just feeling a bit down at the moment and being over sensitive.

And we communicate mainly via messenger which ties in with me losing my Facebook account and messenger…

nightowl

Maybee I could have written your post. I’ve had the same realisation over the last week or so and I’ve been feeling very sorry for myself. I know I’m lucky that she’s healthy and happy, but the truth is, I just miss her. So I can’t offer any words of advice but do send empathy and

Same applies - she only lives a couple of minutes away but hardly ever comes - she's been twice since Christmas once literally for 10 minutes!

I thought that after her sister died she'd be a bit more forthcoming, but she isn't, in fact it's worse, and it's quite hurtful, especially when she sends me lots of pictures with a friend of mine in them .. I do go there but not so often as she doesn't have one seat in the house that I can manage to sit in comfortably, and I struggle to use the stairs to get to the loo. Sadly her visits also include my granddaughters who I barely get to see either ...

Now I’ve written it down I feel a bit pathetic. I don’t want to be a needy mum but I just wish she seemed to like me!

Adult children do have busy lives. I don’t think they are deliberately awkward or uninterested in us. It’s more that they are at the time of life when there is so much going on. Most of them have jobs, children etc so their time is taken up with all that including housework and cooking. I really don’t think they deliberately ignore us. I remember a time when I barely had a moment to call my own. Also, whatever age we are, we tend to take parents for granted. We think they will always be there.

nightowl

Now I’ve written it down I feel a bit pathetic. I don’t want to be a needy mum but I just wish she seemed to like me!

It’s difficult to explain a feeling that’s so complex.

Is it worth you inviting her to something musical or political that you would both enjoy?

You say you were once close. When did things change? Was it when she married or had children (if that applies)? Are you widowed OP? Was it after that.

I think we often do not realise that when babies are born, there are 2 umbilical cords, the physical one, severed at birth and the emotional one that should be severed when an adult child marries or is in a long term partnership.

I was very conscious when I married, my parents cosnciously took a step back from my life. They recognised that once married my DH was the primary person in my life - and the children that followed - they became 2, then 3rd, then 4th in my life.

I think some parents, especially mothers do not always realise this and just assume that they will continue to hold the same pre-eminence in their childrens lives as they did when they were single.

One of my AC is married and the other is single by choice. Both are in their 50s. My sons emotional umbilical cord was cut when he married, and while DD leads a busy independent life, I am often conscious that, with DD, the cord is uncut, and growing thicker and, as DH and I are now in our 80s, I worry about how she will cope when DH and I die, and the cord is cut, whether she is conscious of it or not.

Invite her out for a meal in a nice restaurant, order a good bottle of wine ( get a taxi home 😉) and see where it goes.
Nothing musical, you need to speak and hear one another, and definitely not something political, you need to have a laugh.

My daughter was and still is, a Daddy’s girl.
When he left me for someone else, she was devastated and I’m almost sure blamed me, Our relationship was difficult. Now that the two of us are older, it’s slightly better. She is also divorced, and takes out her frustrations on me .
I’m sure she loves me an occasionally texts me to say what a great Mum I am. I’m almost sure she is bi-polar (undiagnosed).
But it is what it is. Mayb70 you are not alone.

Even though I posted earlier I’ve been thinking about this, MayBee70. I can tell you that there is so much that I wish I’d said to my grandparents and parents. SO much. You say you had a good relationship with your daughter so there is no reason whatsoever that you can’t have that now. I think you ought to pick the right moment and let her know how you feel. She may well have no idea. Unless people tell us something how can we know how they feel. Not everyone picks up on things. Sometimes it has to be spelled out to them. Apart from what I wish I myself had said I also wish my late relatives had said more to me. It’s too late once someone has gone. I’d urge you to speak now. I bet your daughter will be more understanding than you imagine.

petra

Invite her out for a meal in a nice restaurant, order a good bottle of wine ( get a taxi home 😉) and see where it goes.
Nothing musical, you need to speak and hear one another, and definitely not something political, you need to have a laugh.

I can’t talk to people in situations like that. I can chat to complete strangers on a bus or train or if I’m walking the dog but put me in a situation where I’m expected to make conversation and I just dry up. I love the way that my children adore their own children and put them first in everything. I think that, because of such a horrible divorce situation they don’t look on my house as a family home any more and that makes me sad.

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