New Grandchild off limits for two weeks

Macadia

The DiL can choose to have her mum with her at the hospital. After the mum and baby are discharged, the DS/baby's father can take the baby anywhere he wants to, between feedings, if the infant is healthy, since it's his child. There are two parents.

Only if he’s a lousy husband and father Babies. Newborn. Babies need their mother for far more than just feedings and separation of the two that early on is bad for both mum and baby mentally and emotionally. Thank God I raised my three sons to be better fathers and husbands than that.

After 5 years, I have built a fantastic relationship with my DGD. That overtakes any stiffness in my relationship with her mother, my dil.

Because the mothers family is there to support THEIR child. And unlike the other set of grandparents child. Their child is physically recovering from a major medical event.

Luminance

Oh dear lord. Rosie51 you engaged with me and I have just responded in defence of my comments. To suggest the son is "just a bit part" I have interpreted to mean you are suggesting he is not in control here or this is not what he wants. If you meant something else, please do explain. There are plenty of other grans in this thread who seem to be thinking along the same lines as myself you could also engage with. I simply don't agree with what you have said in response to me and I have explained why carefully indeed, no intention to cause such offence.

If you could just link to the statistics ( on exactly what?) you refer to that would be a start. Goodness, what do you suppose the statistics on that are and how education and medical intervention prevent them?
My reference to the father as a 'bit part' is because all we hear about is the mother needing her biological family for support. One criticism of men in this process has been (not on this thread, but in general) that too many men think their contribution ends at the conception. Why might not the father need the support of his family as his life takes on this momentous change? I'm amazed that any man would think his own mother was so irrelevant as to not be worthy of seeing his child for two whole weeks whilst his mother-in-law and father-in-law needed to see the child within minutes if not hours of birth.
If you can give a logical reason why one set of grandparents should see the baby two whole weeks before the other set I'd love to read it. When my sons married or chose to live with their life partners, I assumed they would put their partners first as is right. That doesn't mean they agree with every decision, but I imagine they would defer to the female decision in the case of childbirth even when/if they'd really have preferred a different path. You and others seem to have suggested the mother's wishes are paramount/supreme so I wonder why you suggest if the father favoured a different outcome he would pursue that against his wife's wishes .

Pappyandgigi, your son is not going to the hospital to have his first child - his wife is.

Some women actually die in childbirth.

Your son will not even feel any pain, have any vitals taken, need a nurse or have a twelve month physical, physiololgical, hormonal, body chemistry change as a result of having a baby. He will be fine so just let your DiL have her mum near if thats what makes HER comfortable and less afraid.

The DiL can choose to have her mum with her at the hospital. After the mum and baby are discharged, the DS/baby's father can take the baby anywhere he wants to, between feedings, if the infant is healthy, since it's his child. There are two parents.

Oh dear lord. Rosie51 you engaged with me and I have just responded in defence of my comments. To suggest the son is "just a bit part" I have interpreted to mean you are suggesting he is not in control here or this is not what he wants. If you meant something else, please do explain. There are plenty of other grans in this thread who seem to be thinking along the same lines as myself you could also engage with. I simply don't agree with what you have said in response to me and I have explained why carefully indeed, no intention to cause such offence.

Luminance

Rosie51 Goodness, what do you suppose the statistics on that are and how education and medical intervention prevent them? Birth is a serious business, I remember a dear neighbour who gave birth like "shelling peas" as she used to say, other women like myself and many others have complications. Planning for that is just sensible, resting and recuperating properly is better for the mother and the baby in terms of post natal depression. It always rather shocks me how many women think their little boys incapable of making these decisions for themselves. Why assume other women to be controlling if you yourself are not? Or even if you are, why assume other women are just like you? It's obviously not the case on this topic I would say.

Rosie51 Goodness, what do you suppose the statistics on that are and how education and medical intervention prevent them? Sorry what statistics are we talking about as you don't actually refer to any? You claim you are a nurse, many of my family are midwives so maybe they have more 'inside information'?
We used to have a poster called VioletSky who was the God given expert on everything to do with families, you'd have gelled with her perfectly, except she's been banned under several IDs so you'll not have that pleasure.
Why do you assume anything about me, isn't that rather arrogant? It's you that has introduced the word controlling, so is that what you think the wife in this and similar situations is being? I just question why you and a few others think it's totally Ok to treat both sets of parents in vastly different ways. I was taught to treat everybody fairly and equally, but obviously you weren't or chose to ignore it. I really don't see how a 10 minute visit to see the new parents and baby will harm the mother's recuperation unless it's only by her own parents.

I remember when my first DC was born, my MiL drove up the next day, she wanted to see her first DGC. It was lovely to see her beaming as she walked up the ward. My own DPs were estranged so they didn’t get to see my DC until a month later.

Rosie51 Goodness, what do you suppose the statistics on that are and how education and medical intervention prevent them? Birth is a serious business, I remember a dear neighbour who gave birth like "shelling peas" as she used to say, other women like myself and many others have complications. Planning for that is just sensible, resting and recuperating properly is better for the mother and the baby in terms of post natal depression. It always rather shocks me how many women think their little boys incapable of making these decisions for themselves. Why assume other women to be controlling if you yourself are not? Or even if you are, why assume other women are just like you? It's obviously not the case on this topic I would say.

Where does the husband figure in all this? Is he just a bit part behind the mother and her parents? I think the point is her parents will get to see the baby immediately after the birth, his parents are to be sidelined for two weeks. The inequality of treatment of the grandparents is the issue. Perhaps the father would actually like to share his new child with his parents in a shorter time frame, nobody seems to consider that.
Childbirth is a normal, natural procedure which women have been doing for hundreds of thousands of years, and while medical advances for those that need them are to be welcomed, the vast majority of women will not experience anything needing medical intervention let alone approaching life threatening (as suggested by Luminance). Of course the baby won't care who does or doesn't see it, and in what order, but this routine downgrading of the paternal grandparents isn't kind. My own mother, a midwife herself, would have torn me off a strip if I'd treated DH's family any differently to her and my dad.

I knew before you said, that this would be your d in law cracking the whip and showing preferential treatment. Sad for you.

It won’t make a scrap of difference to your relationship with the baby, who won’t care a bit who else is around in its first weeks. I think they’re being incredibly silly but just enjoy whatever time you get with this grandchild as it develops enough to recognise you and treasure you.

I find it shocking, how many are calling the New mother selfish.

It’s not about the grandparents, it’s just not.

Her parents are likely not invited as grandparents, they are invited as her parents who are helping her through something incredibly difficult. More than likely, they are there for their daughter, not the baby. That’s usually the difference between paternal and maternal grandparents at that time of life. Usually a woman is far more comfortable being in pain with her own parents than with her in-laws.

Karen22

I often read "their child their choice". But what about having some thoughts for your family?.
To invite her parents and not you is so wrong and such a shame you have been treated this way 💐.
And I hope you can in the future enjoy your new grandchild x

People are looking at it incorrectly, she has invited her parents to support her, not to see the baby. How many people would you want present at your birthday experience?

I often read "their child their choice". But what about having some thoughts for your family?.
To invite her parents and not you is so wrong and such a shame you have been treated this way 💐.
And I hope you can in the future enjoy your new grandchild x

Sometimes it seems grandparents can’t win.
If they go out to work then that’s not good for helping out, if they don’t they’ve “got nothing else to do” and are almost scorned for having the time to care so it seems never the twain shall meet.

I would be inclined to say to my son that I was hurt because of the disparity but accept their decision. I’d ask him if he could find the time to send photos of Mum and baby. I’d also tell them that I’d always be there if they needed me.
My daughter said the same but then she needed me to take her daughter in. When I got there her husband insisted I went in. I demurred but he said what seemed like a good idea in theory didn’t seem right in practise. I was very secretly smug. 🤫🤐

Accept the ridiculous ‘rule’ and book a holiday from week three - two can play at that game (I speak from experience!!) Thankfully our son saw the light and split from his first wife (she of the stupid rules) and has since gone on to marry and have a further child with someone who is ‘normal’ - we now have a wonderful relationship with all three of his children, now the first wife is out of the way! I really hope it works out for you but I fear the writing is on the cards, especially as she is so clearly favouring her family over his (ie you!)

I used to love all the fuss and attention when I had just had a baby. And the gifts!

She is having the baby, not him, thats why she wants her mum close. With her mum is her dad.
I think its good to have the first couple of weeks to themselves with their new baby to get settled, enjoy this special time and, if chosen, to establish breast feeding.
I remember when my daughter had her first child. I think the whole inlaws family, daughters, sons and their children were all sat in the waiting room awaiting the birth.. very overwhelming for the new parents.

Read about this time and time again. It's the new norm for the precious breed of parents these days. Bit unfair though you are being treated differently to DILs parents. Wonder if you'll be excluded from being asked to babysit too. I know what my answer would be if ever asked.

This sounds pretty mean to me.

I don't have a grandchild yet but I do have a v good relationship with my dil .. however I'm never going to have the same closeness she has with her own mother and I don't expect to .
When you're giving birth,or just after it's only natural it is your own mother you will want in the delivery room . It's just a transition , you've gone from being the daughter to becoming a mother and it's also traumatic especially if it's your first baby .
I'm sure it's not that they are intentionally excluding you and its possible that delivering this request was made rather clumsily . Your son is the babies father too of course but he will not have gone through the pain of childbirth , will not need help to establish breastfeeding , will not have the post natal discomfort etc etc .
Your dil will love to see you and introduce the baby after 2 weeks , it's not that long , she will also appreciate your understanding . Send flowers to her , make a fuss of her and be patient . She will be feeling very fragile and making your feelings known will jeopardise your relationship in the future .
Good luck , enjoy your grandchild , I'm sure there are happy times to look forward too .

Bestgrammaever

In five-ten years DIL and son will be complaining that the grandparents seem to be more attached to their other grandchildren. In the meantime they will have set up complicated visits and hoops for you to jump through.

Oh please. If the grandparents show favoritism to one set because they simply had to wait two weeks to meet them then the grandparents should be ashamed of themselves. We have 8. Some we met day off, some with the first week, and two we met a solid six weeks out as there was travel involved. We love them equally