New Grandchild off limits for two weeks

marymary62

You have to go with the flow on this. Respect the decision and grin and bear it. 2 weeks is not long in the life of your grandchild . Do not hold on to any grudge about this as it will sour all future relationships. The woman is giving birth, not the man. She is entitled to have whoever she wants at the birth and the hospital will not want a crowd. Her parents are her back up - what if your son is ill or if there’s a crisis? It would be her parents she would want. That is just a fact. Your son’s job is to protect her and his child, not you. Whatever the opinion of ‘fair or unfair’ and however much it hurts you have to step back and be gracious. Build up that relationship with your grandchild slowly and carefully . I only wanted my own mum around when I had my babies but my mother in law became a most precious and important person in all our lives - she never criticised or gave unwanted advice (unlike my own mum🤦‍♀️) and was a constant source of non judgemental support over the first 20 years of my children’s lives. You are in this for the long haul, take a deep breath, smile and look forward to the future .

I would like to give this comment a gold star. Op the way you react right now will set the tone of your entire relationship with your son and dil going forward. Choose well and reap the reward. Two weeks is short

For people saying this is cruel - for goodness sake get a grip ! It’s 2 weeks - surely a new mother is entitled to some space. If you posted this on Mumsnet rather than Gransnet you’d get a totally different perspective from all those new mums who want to have some control over their choices post partum . 40 years ago my very sweet and kind neighbour put a sign up on her door following the birth of her daughter saying they wanted absolutely no visitors other than the midwife for 4 weeks. The birth was hard and the feeding difficult and she was completely overwhelmed by well meaning family coming to visit who wanted to hold the baby - at times when she was trying to feed or catch up on sleep. Her loving family respected this totally and instead of knocking on the door they left small treats and meals outside . Send a huge bouquet of flowers and some luxury treats and get on with your own life for a while and do not inundate them with texts or what’s app or whatever either ! . It’s not a new trend.

You have to go with the flow on this. Respect the decision and grin and bear it. 2 weeks is not long in the life of your grandchild . Do not hold on to any grudge about this as it will sour all future relationships. The woman is giving birth, not the man. She is entitled to have whoever she wants at the birth and the hospital will not want a crowd. Her parents are her back up - what if your son is ill or if there’s a crisis? It would be her parents she would want. That is just a fact. Your son’s job is to protect her and his child, not you. Whatever the opinion of ‘fair or unfair’ and however much it hurts you have to step back and be gracious. Build up that relationship with your grandchild slowly and carefully . I only wanted my own mum around when I had my babies but my mother in law became a most precious and important person in all our lives - she never criticised or gave unwanted advice (unlike my own mum🤦‍♀️) and was a constant source of non judgemental support over the first 20 years of my children’s lives. You are in this for the long haul, take a deep breath, smile and look forward to the future .

That's awful. I can understand wanting a day or two to get things a bit more organised, but this is cruel and very unfair.

It is a new trend . Having to do with slowly bonding . Be patient is my best advice !

I was lucky enough to be there when my first grandson was born. In the end it was an emergency section so I held the baby before my daughter. She was not really awake for some hours after the birth. The father was very young, they both were, and needed my support as well. I feel very privileged to have been able to help but was careful to take instructions from my daughter as I remember my mother trying to take over.
These things are more complicated than they first appear. Generational memories and trauma can get in the way.

When my mum came to see my first baby - her first grandson - she brought 3 of her sisters with her.They're very close & she was very proud & it was fine, if noisy.
But my M-i-L & F-i-L's visit the same day was a lot more relaxing!

I feel so sorry for the OP
You must feel very hurt and I wonder why your son has not said anything to you about it..eg."' don't worry mum you'll see the baby asap "'
Personally it would make me feel very bitter and I wouldn't rush to get there when given the green light.
But I'm grieving at the moment so probably not thinking very kindly

When I had my first baby, she was a month early, my family live 90 miles away, no car, my husband miles away at a lake the Welsh Army were threatening to blow up. No one knew she was
arriving, my call for support “ I want my mother’ ,

A daughter might want her own mother there...after all...she is the one having the baby. This can be a time when one might feel overwhelmed ...and especially uncomfortable with inlaws... or outlaws.

It is however probably a good indication of why they wanted time alone rather than with some posters in those early vulnerable days

4allweknow

Read about this time and time again. It's the new norm for the precious breed of parents these days. Bit unfair though you are being treated differently to DILs parents. Wonder if you'll be excluded from being asked to babysit too. I know what my answer would be if ever asked.

Would you honestly have wanted your mother-in-law with you as much as your mother during a time where you had just been the most vulnerable you had ever been?

The idea of being so spiteful to be gleeful about the fact that you would then refuse babysitting because you weren’t treated equally as another woman’s mother is mind-boggling

Yes it is a new trend and very prevalent on Instagram. It happened to me for one and I felt very hurt but didn't say anything. Afraid you have to go with the flow however hurtful it feels or risk damaging the future relationship.

Anniebach

Would the grandparents agree to a quick visit or take control ?
we don’t know the families yet judge one couple.

I agree with you Anniebach. What a lot of judgemental posts! I think it’s understandable that a daughter wants her own mom for support. And I doubt whether the parents are going to be at the actual birth. We don’t know the background to the family dynamics here either. Is there a back story here?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fathers sorry!

Fatthers should be the primary support of the mothers and their child who just went through a major life change, not playing host

Extended family can wait

Rosie51 You re just as capable as I at looking into now many women experience complications in child birth, whether that is tearing, placental abruption, cord issues for baby, placenta detachment, emergency c-sections, pre eclampsia, heavy bleeding. As for giving good reasons, many of us have given good reasons, they are not wrong by merit of you disagreeing. Birth is not easy for many woman and many men do rather embrace the idea of having a small circle while their very loved wives recover. Fathers are much more hands on in these times. What those dear OP needs is to understand her DIL and a good relationship with her. That's what I would personally want to achieve by explaining how some mothers think differently here. It appals me the comments calling her selfish and unkind for simply wanting some time with her newborn to recover before guests. The absolute damage some of these comments could potentially cause to relationships are appalling and many based on assumptions about the situation. I understand you disagree with me and you are at liberty to do so but we do not need to have any sort of argument about viewing life differently. I simply want a good outcome for the OP in this and it comes from a good place.

Grams2five yes, that was my point!

TheHappyGardener

Grams2five as others have pointed out, there is no damage done to future relationships with grandchildren if you don’t see them in the first few weeks of their lives. I may have made my statement a bit ‘tongue in cheek’ but I do believe such precious parents need to see they can’t behave in such a controlling and divisive fashion. As I also stated, our relationship with our son’s children from his first, unhappy, marriage is now wonderful, in no small part due to the fact we don’t have to cowtow to the first wife anymore, so I can assure you we’re all good thank you

There is zero damage to done to future relationships with grandchildren. They don’t need grandparents. He’s d parents are a wonderful extra. And meeting them at the two week mark doesn’t damage diddily except perhaps some entitled grandparents pride. The baby won’t know you or remember when they met you for months down the line. Newborns literally only need their mothers. Even a father is a nice bonus at the two week mark . They have know long term memory so unless you’re there daily and doing the lions share of rhe care giving they’ll have zero memory of who you are from Adam.

Grams2five as others have pointed out, there is no damage done to future relationships with grandchildren if you don’t see them in the first few weeks of their lives. I may have made my statement a bit ‘tongue in cheek’ but I do believe such precious parents need to see they can’t behave in such a controlling and divisive fashion. As I also stated, our relationship with our son’s children from his first, unhappy, marriage is now wonderful, in no small part due to the fact we don’t have to cowtow to the first wife anymore, so I can assure you we’re all good thank you

Interesting that we haven't heard back from the OP on this. She threw out a handgrenade and ducked.

I’m always surprised by people who believe that their feelings should be a priority in someone else’s childbirth and postpartum.

TheHappyGardener

Accept the ridiculous ‘rule’ and book a holiday from week three - two can play at that game (I speak from experience!!) Thankfully our son saw the light and split from his first wife (she of the stupid rules) and has since gone on to marry and have a further child with someone who is ‘normal’ - we now have a wonderful relationship with all three of his children, now the first wife is out of the way! I really hope it works out for you but I fear the writing is on the cards, especially as she is so clearly favouring her family over his (ie you!)

Ahh yes. Be so upset you have to wait two weeks you decide to wait three. How mature lol 😆 n oh but don’t be surprised when you return that you’re asked to wait two more to be sure you didn’t pick up germs while traveling

The only person you’d be hurting there is yourself I promise