Married nearly 35 years Help!

Good post Silverbrooks
He would know what had hit him in the pocket at least … and then he’d download Tinder or similar and look for another woman he could order around.
And probably find someone who was assertive and told him what's what and submit!

Good posts from RosieandherMaw too and others!

Cabowich

Yes, I too look forward to the future with dread, but my reason is the opposite of yours. I dread the future because of lack of money to lead a reasonable life. So, in your situation I think I'd stay unless I could be assured a good divorce settlement if I left.

Despite what people say money IS important and has to be taken into account when considering the future. All the best, whatever you decide to do.

Sorry to hear that, it's no fun.

Norah

Perhaps separate?

I'd not like anyone telling me what to wear, or the feeling of treading on egg shells, backing down, life is short and it seems you have no life.

The OP could start by making a life for herself and gaining some self-worth and optimism in the process.
She could suggest she and her DH join some groups they might enjoy together, the National Trust, English Heritage, etc. If he resists then join a U3A which doesn't just meet, the members go off on trips, theatre trips etc.

She has submitted to this rôle because it seemed to suit, now the DC have fledged, it's her time.

This is reminding me of Caroline from Race Across the World, who thought her own identity had been lost in the rôle of wife and mother.
Although, in Caroline's case, it turned out that she is a champion equestrian!

I am also a bit mystified by this post and what it is OP actually came here for?

If it was advice about a controlling husband fair enough but OP goes to a great deal of trouble in order to put her problems in the context of what a wonderful life her DH has given her? Who cares about this stuff?

And they still have good sex?

And she posted on MN first?

It hard to feel any sympathy after I left a controlling partner in my 60s after a lifetime of hard work and struggle...

Oh Norah how can you say she seems to have no life the man has given her everything not only a generous allowance but a 7 bedroomed house she had outings money for food drink clothes dinners with friends, holidays, lived in two different countries and has never had to work outside the home and for all this she has to pay a price and the price is the man that has retired is still the same alpha male, controlling businessman that she married and has happily lived off for 35 years
If she had said no I don’t want your money 35 years ago and gone out to work for herself I d be very sympathetic but she hasn’t she’s enjoyed a lifestyle most of us have never even dreamed of and she’s not happy that the man who gave it to her is still the same controlling businessman that she married
🤷🏼‍♀️
I think the idea that you volunteer with homeless or in a refuge and see what poverty and coercive control is really like with women who are beaten into submission is an excellent idea

Thank you Silverbrooks for articulating what was at the back of my rather more muddled mind.
What is OP complaining about?
A comfortable lifestyle, a successful husband, healthy children and grandchildren?
There’s no such thing as a free lunch and if OP had wanted an independent life, a career, “freedom” (whatever that is ) she could have taken the plunge years ago.
No, having one’s cake and eating it springs to mind.
As others have said, you can live without a man easily enough (I’m not sensing huge passion, maybe affection at best?) but it’s harder to live with an abusive partner, without one’s AC because they are estranged, without a roof over your head, with a terminally ill DH or one suffering from dementia,
So what “Help” exactly do you need OP?

Yes, I too look forward to the future with dread, but my reason is the opposite of yours. I dread the future because of lack of money to lead a reasonable life. So, in your situation I think I'd stay unless I could be assured a good divorce settlement if I left.

Despite what people say money IS important and has to be taken into account when considering the future. All the best, whatever you decide to do.

Perhaps separate?

I'd not like anyone telling me what to wear, or the feeling of treading on egg shells, backing down, life is short and it seems you have no life.

I am afraid I am tired of women who complain about their privileged lives, complain about controlling men, have the means to make change and then make rather pathetic excuses for not doing so.

The notion that a women will run and change her clothes when ordered to do so by a man is archaic and compliant to a point that I find incomprehensible. Why are you tolerating this? Good grief!

I don’t want a divorce at my age and DH would be devastated - he just would not know what had hit him.

That’s some hubris from a woman supposedly walking on eggshells and being told what she can and can’t wear.

He would know what had hit him in the pocket at least … and then he’d download Tinder or similar and look for another woman he could order around.

I would suggest you volunteer at a centre for asylum seekers, a homeless shelter or a food bank, anywhere you will encounter people who haven’t had your privileged life, for whom every day is a struggle and then you might not be so focussed on the rather pampered life you have become accustomed to and would rather be controlled than give up.

I often suggest DH should change before we go out.
He has no colour sense and would walk round like a tramp if I let him.

Am I controlling?

It is difficult for men who have run businesses or departments on retirement, my experience is it settles down given a bit of time.
No way would I change my clothes to order, I suggest you become a little vague about that and just smile sweetly.
He sounds rather arrogant.

What you need to help him do is develop a work life in retirement. Charities everywhere are always looking for volunteers at every level of the charity from shop assistants to Trustees, Treasurers, and other management level jobs.

Yes, I suggested that to DH. It's amazing how much time organisations and charities can take up and it's an excellent use of management skills.

It will take practice, but you will get the hang of it.

Excellent advice, M0nica.

My father was an army officer and instinctively acted at home as he did at work, or would have done, if my mother had allowed it, but she didn't. she just somehow had a line at the front door and DF cganged persona when he crossed it, so I can understand what is happening.i had friends whose army father's were domestic tyrants.

When I was engaged an older woman warned me that military men could be tyrants at home! She said her newly married daughter had gone overseas with her husband who was in the Royal Marines. He used to leave his wife a list of Daily Orders before he left each morning. She used to ignore it.

DH was fine but did tend to 'advise'!
😀

Take what you want, said God....and pay for it.

You have lived very comfortably for thirty plus years; now your comfortable life is not quite so comfortable as it once was, because the provider is present rather more than you would like.

People treat you in the way you allow them to, and you valued your comfortable life more than your independence.
Frankly, I don't think you have a bad life now, and if 'not looking a mess' and not disagreeing with your husband's opinion is the price you pay, there are worse things. Personally, I would counter his arguments, but there are ways of being diplomatic. Your husband is not going to alter now; he has given you an extremely pleasant life which you enjoyed, not one forced on you, and it didn't bother you in the past.

It is up to you what you do now, but I agree with the poster who suggested you volunteer for work with the dispossessed, and see what sort of lives some people have to endure. You might then start counting your blessings.

Still wondering how somebody can have good sex with a person who tells them what to wear?

I do recall Mary Berry saying her husband wouldn't let her wear trousers and like her to change for supper!

Silverbrooks

Nonsense. Some of us have had no choice in the matter. Our partners died and we now live alone. I have lived alone for 20 years since being widowed and manage just fine.

And who says anyone has to go dating? Women need men like a fish needs a bicycle.

You are advocating that OP stays with a controlling man, hiding out in spare rooms because there are worse men out there???

There is nothing wrong with living alone and people shouldn’t be afraid of it.

I so agree

Honestly, all the nice things in the world cannot make up for loss of independence and freedom.

Sit down with him and welcome him to this century, tell him quite clearly this isn’t what you want, and for the life of me I simply cannot understand why you haven’t ever had some kind of paid work outside of your home (maybe you have and I missed it)

I know what I’d do!

I am going to be one of those who does not encourage a rush to divorce and I quite agree this is not coercive control. This man does not punish or force his wife to do anything. It is just that he behaves at home as he does at work and his wife has found it easier to go along with it than ignore it.

My father was an army officer and instinctively acted at home as he did at work, or would have done, if my mother had allowed it, but she didn't. she just somehow had a line at the front door and DF cganged persona when he crossed it, so I can understand what is happening.i had friends whose army father's were domestic tyrants.

This marriage has worked to everyone's satisfaction until retirement. What satisfactions you look for and are happy with in marriage are deeply personal, so, no one should comment on other person's preferences just because they are not their own. I am, of course, not talking about truly abusive relationships, which this isn't.

However, many marriages hit at a rocky patch on retirement when all of a sudden you are thrown together 24/7. Especially if the retirement means going from working to not working almost overnight. You are aware of the problems that follow when he is on your territory 24/7. He isn't.

What you need to help him do is develop a work life in retirement. Charities everywhere are always looking for volunteers at every level of the charity from shop assistants to Trustees, Treasurers, and other management level jobs.

I have just looked at the volunteer list for my county and two charities are looking for treasurer/trustees.

As for him ordering you around. There is an alternative to arguing - and that is just taking no notice and quietly continuin to stay as you are. If he comments on your clothes say nothing.. If he notices tthat you haven't changed and comments, just say, 'I am more comfortable as I am', or other remark that doesn't lead to a reply, or just wander into another room away from him.

It will take practice, but you will get the hang of it.

The very next time he told me to get changed because I looked a mess I would be telling him in no uncertain terms where to go! I often look disheveled and mismatched but that’s because I’m either gardening or cleaning, I wouldn’t dream of doing either in my decent clobber!
Do stop giving in to his demands!

We need an edit function!

Terrible typos, sorry.

petra

LOUISA1523

Google coercive and controlling abuse .....and ask yourself if thats what you would want for your DDs

This isn’t coercive control. For many years the OP was free to to go out, see friends and family, her own bank account, no one checking up on her as to where she was, who has she spoken to.
Speak to my friend who was a victim.
For years she always had to sit in a seat facing the wall when her and her abuser went out to eat. That’s just one tiny rule she had to obey.

From what the OP says I wouldn't think it amounts to coercive control, either, but the OP does seem as if she has been rather submissive over the tears but enjoying her life as the wife of a wealthy, driven man.

Now he's retired he has no-one to manage except his wife!
I did find DH, having managed teams of people, thought he could suggest to me how to do things after he retired but I disbursed him of thst notion.

He'd never tell me what to wear though. He has no colour wen at all!

The thing is if I stand up to him and argue we can be at loggerheads for days so I tend to just do what he wants and back down and say sorry even if its not my fault – I’ve always been like that.
You need to be assertive without being argumentative. Don't apologise (unless you are in the wrong of course) , just smile and say "we'll have to agree to differ".

Go out, join clubs, find friends. Discover the new you and see how it goes.

Yes, exactly that, he really does think he has been the perfect huband/provider
BUT HE HAS you reaped the benefits for 35 years if you didn’t want to have all the rich trimmings you would have got out years ago, but you ve loved the life , the rich perks, the lovely holidays the 7 bedroomed house, the not having to work , the well provided for children He’s has given you ALL that but now he’s around it’s not so much fun
You ve accepted all his faults for 35 years because it suited you I really can’t believe I m reading this
I think you should volunteer with the homeless or broken get you out the house and his control and you might appreciate what his domineering controlling maleness has given you

Exactly, Iam64. It isn’t always easy but nobody should stay with someone controlling for fear of being alone. I was with my darling man for 34 years but have built a new life on my own. Now it’s second nature.

I have no idea what you want OP. It’s turning into look how wonderful my wealthy life is in my seven bedroomed house but I am still unhappy sometimes. Frankly, you both sound materialistic and wanting to control one another. Why are you suggesting he finds occupation? If you are happy to walk on eggshells around him then so be it.

I agree with smileless’ advice.