Younger partner and spending expectatiosn

What do you actually get out of this relationship apart from some "help in the garden" and some "lifting heavy things".
Sounds to me as if he's unlikely to change his ways, you've tried pointing out your circumstances and he's ignored this showing no acknowledgement of the situation or the strain he's putting on you.
I would have a long hard think about whether to end the relationship and get on with living your life the way you want.

I doubt any advice is welcome, but here goes.

Think long and hard: is this man really the person you want to share this part of your life with?

You and he seem to have very different ideas as to what you each want out of life.

In your place, I would recommend him to find himself another woman to share his life with.

Run.

He's not really a "partner" if he doesn't behave in a partnerly/sharing way, which he isn't doing. Ditch him and live your frugal life your way without all the stupid pressures he's piling on you.

I think you either have to accept that it is what it is or move on really. He at least seems to have some good qualities but maybe now you are back in Ireland and in more regular contact he's annoying you more?

It seems to me that, if you first got together when you were working full time and presumably earning a good salary, he is still in the same mindset that you are equal partners financially.
If you are fond of him and would like to remain as partners, it is probably time for a real heart to heart. If you are happy to do so, show him your pay slips and bank statements, perhaps he really doesn’t comprehend the difference in your finances now or the fact that, as you’ve got older, you don’t want to travel anymore. You say he is kind and caring in other ways and does a lot for you so it would be a shame to end your relationship but maybe you are starting to think otherwise.

I know two couples in a similar situations, one pair live together, I was friends first with the ‘put upon’ partners. Any discussion regarding their other halves unacceptable behaviour is dismissed because ‘I love him/her and don’t want to be on my own’
Is that you too OP? Although you’ve thanked people for their comments, you haven’t said you’ll be taking any action.

We like doing the same things, walking, gardening, garden centres, sea swimming

Join the U3A - you'll meet lots of other people who enjoy walking, gardening, swimming etc!

ElaineMcG47

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply. In relation to the question how long have I been with him. I have been with my partner for 5 years - 2 of those were long distance in that I lived in the UK and we saw each other every second weekend.

He's caring in some ways - will help out in my garden, put up shelves, lift heavy stuff that I cannot do. He will pick me up from the train if it is late, that sort of thing.

We like doing the same things, walking, gardening, garden centres, sea swimming but it's all quite superficial, not much deep discussion on anything.

There has always been this issue of money - i.e.. splitting things exactly evenly, and calculating if the meal I pay for is less than the meal he bought previously. There has always been the pressure to travel - wants a holiday abroad each year and to the same place, Tenerife. I am very fair, hate the sun, have a pre cancerous skin condition and am a magnet for mosquitos, as well as the holiday costing a lot more than I can afford.

His recent comment suggesting I should buy a car for my son as my son's car frequently breaks down, angered me a lot as I can barely help my son with the car repairs and he knows that, and knows that I am still funding my son in college and that it is a huge stress, and I have been mentioning this for the last two years or so.

Thanks again for all the comments and advice. So much appreciated!

It’s time to tell him exactly what you’ve told us. His circumstances, your circumstances are quite different, you don’t even like going on holiday to the same places, not a thing wrong in that, but when the cons begin to outweigh the pros, umm….time to think if you’d be more at peace without him.

All of the above. If going to Tenerife every year is not for you then say so and he is probably quite capable of going on his own. It's time to have a rethink about the quality of your relationship. Carry on with the things that you enjoy doing but if you are thinking that it is all rather superficial, then stop calling him your partner and call him a friend (or even an acquaintance) instead.

I read your OP, why are you in this relationship?

I obviously missed reading something enjoyable.

You have very different ideas on finances, neither of you will change how you deal with it so it has to be accepted, or the relationship has to end if it is too big an issue.

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply. In relation to the question how long have I been with him. I have been with my partner for 5 years - 2 of those were long distance in that I lived in the UK and we saw each other every second weekend.

He's caring in some ways - will help out in my garden, put up shelves, lift heavy stuff that I cannot do. He will pick me up from the train if it is late, that sort of thing.

We like doing the same things, walking, gardening, garden centres, sea swimming but it's all quite superficial, not much deep discussion on anything.

There has always been this issue of money - i.e.. splitting things exactly evenly, and calculating if the meal I pay for is less than the meal he bought previously. There has always been the pressure to travel - wants a holiday abroad each year and to the same place, Tenerife. I am very fair, hate the sun, have a pre cancerous skin condition and am a magnet for mosquitos, as well as the holiday costing a lot more than I can afford.

His recent comment suggesting I should buy a car for my son as my son's car frequently breaks down, angered me a lot as I can barely help my son with the car repairs and he knows that, and knows that I am still funding my son in college and that it is a huge stress, and I have been mentioning this for the last two years or so.

Thanks again for all the comments and advice. So much appreciated!

I couldn’t be with someone who was tight with how much more he’d spent on dinner but if you can get past that then just be honest that you can’t afford the same as him.

IMO , this isn’t a partnership…I remember a previous thread where you had some of these concerns and yet you’re seeking further advice…he doesn’t sound pleasant at all re working out who has paid what on eating out…
He doesn’t sound caring at all…how long have you been in this relationship?

Sorry, why are you still partners?, you both have your own place, your aims in life are different, go your own way, 8 happens with many couples some stay together grudgingly many separate.

I would not stay in this sort of relationship.
My advice is live your own life independently. Perhaps see your partner occasionally but don't let him impose his wishes on you.
Be your own person.
I hope in the future you meet a man who will truly be your 'partner'.
Your current man isn't!
Best wishes for your future health and happiness.

I'd tell him "Sorry, you're a luxury I can't afford". 🤷‍♀️

M0nica

To be honest i think you are wasting time in this relationship.

If this man really cared for you he would be sensitive about your disparate incomes and would factor this into every aspect of your relationship.

He clearly doesn't do that and I think that is a good guide to how much he cares for you and the relationship.

Faace the facts, then the balls in your court to decide what you want to do next.

As usual, you have taken the words out of my mouth. This man is a pathetic, stingey waste of space!

I wouldn't be happy with that imbalance, but many on MN seem to split finances rather than share them, and factor in disparities in income, which may be rarer in older generations. I don't care who earns what (or now whose pension is higher) everything is ours. We would discuss large purchases, but otherwise don't nitpick over who spends what either. As for paying for meals out etc - it depends who gets to the card first, or is passing the paypoint, depending on the establishment. Neither would say 'Tea is cheaper than coffee, so you owe me 45p', but I have heard of couples where this sort of thing is the norm, and they are happy with that, so it's fine.

If he is set on one way and you on the other, I don't know how you sort it out. Maybe have a monthly kitty that is shared? After all the bills are paid, only what is in that kitty is for spending. Then you can decide between you what do together. If he wants to have an expensive meal outside of that he can go alone and pay for it himself. Not ideal, but if the rest of the relationship is worth saving, it might be a solution?

This issue is not related to age gap. He is just insensitive, selfish and a tightwad. Sounds brutal but I think you would be happier without him.

If he's wealthy then he should be treating you on all these travels, not totting up how much more he's spent than you.

Thst's how he's become wealthy!!

Agree completely with Alwaysworrying . She’s hit the nail on the head !

I think the bit about calculating how much more he spent on meals would do it for me.
He sounds insensitive and rather mean to say the very least.
I know you say he is caring but those aren't the actions of a caring partner.
You deserve someone who is considerate of all your needs. Especially as you have given so much of yourself with your career in the NHS. It's now your time, and you shouldn't have to spend it feeling anxious and upset about money. If he's wealthy then he should be treating you on all these travels, not totting up how much more he's spent than you.

I don’t think there is anything in this relationship for you . He doesn’t listen to you . He sounds miserly and selfish and you don’t seem to have anything in common at all.

Mumsnetters would say LTB