Shall I let this Friendship go?

I would definitely let it go. You are not well at the moment, and the realization that this friendship that you had thought was special hadnt really been as you thought. But what does it show? That you are a decent person and think of others and are a friend worth having. She sounds a rather selfcentred person who thinks the world revolves round her!! Dont waste your time thinking of her. When you feel a bit better , you will meet some much nicer people in the future. and in the meantime we are all here. I find the gransnetters caring and helpful and THERE. On a bad night , when I am in a lot of pain and on my own, cant sleep, hurray for GN's, who will have some ingenious ideas, been in your situation before, be happy to help where they can and are all genuine people. I think you should give you time to some of these rather than that ungrateful person. Remember you only became friends because you lived close together, you didnt choose her so it is not your choice that is a problem. Best of luck in the future with those of u s who care!!

If nothing else, this thread has prompted me to write 3 letters.
I used pen and paper and have posted them. One was to my daughter because when I see her, which isn't that often, she is too busy to chat and I find texts and short phonecalls unsatisfactory.
The other letters were to old friends whom I haven't seen for over 20 years. I reached out to them both and asked one to stay if she'd like, while I still have a guest room. I'm planning to downsize.
So thanks Gransnet pals!

Time to move on I think...

I had a dear friend for 4O years. we got along fine until I started to realise how dreadfully rude she was to people serving in cafes/ pubs etc. Mainly women trying to earn an honest crust. She was also rude and intolerant to
people whom were overweight. In the end I just cut her off. She was so toxic - it stressed me out to be with her. I couldn’t even bear to tell her why. She was even horrid to
her grandchildren. My life is so much better without her in it.
I still feel sad/ bad about it but . . .

people who were overweight. Lost mi glasses!

I renewed a school friendship some years ago- something I vowed that I’d never do as I hated school ( despite a 40 year career in the profession) Anyway, this person has refused to acknowledge my partner’s existence and always puts the wrong name on Christmas cards. She hasn’t got dementia or anything similar, she just does it for a a laugh or spite or … who knows ? So, this Christmas, I’m not bothering.

Like flogging a dead horse comes to mind unfortunately. I've been in the same position and just decided the friendship had run it's course.

You were friends because you were neighbours and both had children growing up side by side. When these things were gone, the basis of the friendship was no longer there in the same way. You havekept in contact for a long time but are



coming to realize that you have always done the running and she has been the one to respond. I am in a similar situation with an old school friend. We have to accept, I think. You would love her to be close, someone with whom you could exchange sympathy and understanding. But wanting this, won't make her be that person. It doesn't make either of you a bad person. Your mutual needs just no longer meet. Maybe let it go. It is a bit sad. But feeling resentful robs ourselves of our own peace and happiness. I imagine saying to my friend, "Do you actually like me?" The answer might well be no. But how could she say that to me? After all it is not her duty to like me. I don't think it sounds as bad as that with you and your friend. A lot of people just don't keep up with others when their lives move apart especially as we get older..

It's a shame to lose all that shared history. I think sometimes we don't know what other people are going through in their lives. If your friend was widowed seven years ago, her life might have changed since you really knew her.
If you're still sending cards, I'd perhaps send a last message along the lines of "Look after yourself and give me a call if you're ever in need of a chat/when life is less busy."
Keep your fond memories but if she doesn't get in touch it would seem that life for her has moved on.

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Maybe 'third one' is also ill (or even dead)?
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From what you've written, it would appear that this friend did alot to help you over the years and to be a supportive and kind friend.

I hope that her efforts were reciprocated. If they weren't- then there's your answer!
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You use the name 'Sparklefizz' but you say you don't drink!!

Oh, the irony!
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I have a lifelong friend who, like myself, is just reaching 90 years old..we were born next door to each other and have kept in touch ever since in spite of both of us moving around this country, going to different schools, getting married, having families, both now widows....neither of us had brothers or sisters and often have regarded each as a sister.....a relation
ship to treasure.

I'm sorry to say that I'm that friend that gets ditched. I have a phone phobia - I'm fine ringing the dentist or HMRC, but NOT friends or rellies.

I do love email cos you can send a message at midnight and the recipient can read and respond without being pressured as with a phone call. A lot of my approach comes from me having irregular/unsociable working hours (hence irregular free times) as well as having a lot more external demands on my time than my friends/relatives. One of those demands was caused by my job as a lecturer which entailed a 90-minute drive to AND* from home, often teaching till 9 p.m. and working 60-hours a week, compared with friends with more normal jobs. I also had both sets of parents to help (one set disabled quite early and not living nearby (but needed us every weekend) and my DM with dementia.

My local friends had no living parents, their children and GC live locally and they have fit, healthy husbands.

It would break my heart if any of my friends "cut me out" cos of my poor contact record cos I think of them all often and the best of them know that. They also know that I'd be there in a shot if they needed me.







Fortunately some friends accepted that but some didn't understand it and probably felt it meant I didn't care (even though I tried to explain).

In fact, I DO care about friends. Most of them have always known I am there for them if needed - and often have been - but I've rarely been able to do the "lets meet for lunch next week". Now I have a disabled DH I literally have no "me time" any more

Barbadosbelle

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You use the name 'Sparklefizz' but you say you don't drink!!

Oh, the irony!
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eh?

Unless I'm misunderstanding, that sounds rather 'not in the spirit of GN'.

You don’t have to go through a de-friending ritual! Just moderate your expectations.

Barbadosbelle

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You use the name 'Sparklefizz' but you say you don't drink!!

Oh, the irony!
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What does that mean? I thought Sparklefizz had something to do with sex.

Somewhat related, I've re-connected with several old friends and soon remembered why we drifted apart in the first place.

People can change an awful lot through the years, both in their mindset and circumstances and it figures in hugely, to me.

Continuing with Christmas cards and a phone chat once every couple of years is okay but then it's a very short step from that to "why bother at all."

Barbadosbelle

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You use the name 'Sparklefizz' but you say you don't drink!!

Oh, the irony!
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I just liked the name. It's not a crime.

BlueberryPie

Barbadosbelle

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You use the name 'Sparklefizz' but you say you don't drink!!

Oh, the irony!
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What does that mean? I thought Sparklefizz had something to do with sex.

What are you trying to say for goodness' sake?
I don't drink, it's nothing to do with sex - I chose the name because I liked the sound of it.

Love the name xx

Each to her own, but I don’t consider exchanging Christmas cards with no other contact to be friendship. It’s not really acquaintanceship either. More ‘somebody that I used to know’.

I’m not sure what form ‘giving up on the friendship’ would take when there is no contact. How would either of you know?

Doodledog I’m not sure what form ‘giving up on the friendship’ would take when there is no contact.

My hopes.... and the energy I waste on thinking about her.

Well, if you think it is a waste of energy, you have nothing to lose except pain. The pandemic was five years ago.

Have you suggested going to visit her? Sometimes people are very bad at visiting others, but are happy to host them - I have a friend like that. Or if that would be too much after such a long time, maybe there's a B&B or hotel nearby where you could stay for a night or two. If she doesn't want that, I think you have your answer.

There is a lot of loss here Sparkle. Your partner, the past, the thoughful gift of the photo album, the loss of hope re the friendship.

Sorry for this pain.