Just need someone to talk to

You could contact CAB or Women's Aid for advice on how to proceed.

We've been together for 12 years,married for 5 ,third marriage for both of us,yes I must need my bumps feeling..his saying is work hard,play hard .. we're both retired now so altho he is working hard to fix up the bungalow his playing hard ,which is drinking takes up the afternoon and evening..if he can't find something it's my fault,if things go wrong it's my fault...he hates confrontation but isn't bothered about it with me... should also say we moved to new place 3 yrs ago no family near...I've now got to the point where as much as I love him I just think oh get on with it,if he wants to moan I mentally switch off and don't react as it's the reaction he wants..I walk the dog,go out and do the garden,listen to the radio , eventually he realises he's not getting the rise he wants and stops...it's hard sometimes and I empathise with the loneliness point but I refuse to let him make me miserable

He is a bully.
This is coercive behaviour.

You can’t buy peace of mind.

Good luck - whatever you decide.

This has been going on for forty years, so some of that time your children must have been living at home, unless this is a second marriage entered into after the children had all left home.

But you do not say that the children are not your husband's.

I doubt they do not know, or at least suspect, that there is this dark side to your marriage.

You do not say you are contemplating leaving your husband, but is there any chance at all that you can influence him to stop drinking? A mean drunk, is a mean drunk, after all, and life might become a little more bearable if he stopped drinking.

Obviously, you love your husband, otherwise you would have left, or at least taken the flaming argument he accuses you of wanting if you complain about his behaviour.

Have you anyone other than your children to confide in?

I understand why you might not want them to know, but if you are going to tackle your husband about the problem, for your own sake, if there is the slightest risk of him becoming physically abusive, do not do so on you own. Have a male relation - cousin, brother etc. present or some other person.

Dear Elevator. Well done for reaching out in here. I think that articulating something is a massive step in acknowledging what the problem is. You are worthy of respect from every person and you dont deserve to have to livd like this. But as others have said, this is your life and your choice. Take your time, talk to someone ftf who you can trust,get your ducks lined up and try to make a plan for your next steps. This is not easy and there may well be a compromise where you don't lose everything you love about your life. Take care and be proud of yourself for putting it out here in words xx

Have you ever thought of turning to him when he is well into one of his abusive harangues and saying to him.
'I have had enough all your criticism of me and constantly running me down. This is domestic abuse and you could be prosecuted. if you do not mend your ways I will report you to the police and speak to a solicitor' Then walk out of the room.

I know someone who did something similar, in a much less abusive situation than you. It brought her DH up short and he did seek counselling and help to deal withthe problem.

Your situation is moe extreme, but it might be worth trying.

Oh, and keep a diary listing and describing each incident. You could show that to your children.

I personally couldn’t be with anyone like that, my hubby has been snappy with me recently (hes had a tooth problem) but I’ve pulled him up, he’s realised.
Sounds like your problem has been going on a for long time. You are lucky if you are still upbeat.
Well you can either go down the separation route, or like a few have said on here put up with it & pretend it’s not happening.
Sounds like he’s envious of your sweet
nature- problem is with him, not you.
Are you in your sixties, seventies?
Have you got a will in your favour?
Hopefully he might pop his clogs, or would you be devastated?

I agree that your children probably do know some of how things are between you. You could tell them that he's worse now & that "go to bed" comment which is inexcusable, but even though they love you they might say "Yes, but that's just Dad" & that'll make you feel even worse.
Don't know how old you are, but he will likely get worse as he gets older.

Some men just don't focus on relationships, they're so much more orientated on their job or whatever hobby they have. Particularly if they have a job where they're unlikely to face direct criticism as they're in a position of power.

It is abuse, but it maybe unconcious abuse & if that's the case I don't understand why couples counselling is unhelpful. I guess it's because of the danger, but your post doesn't read as if you feell endangered, & you've lived long enough with him to judge.

As you are married it's actually not his house as he will find out if you get divorced. You do need to speak to your children and get some support. They almost certainly do know. You're living a lie and it really doesn't have to be like this. You only have one life.

It isn't recommended valdavi because couple counselling assumes there are shared feelings and actions within the relationship, which isn't the case if one is abusive exercising power and control over the other.

Is his drinking excessive? If so then you will never win. I speak from experience. If he’s just a bully then you must stand up to him. Otherwise you are allowing him to treat you this way.

So the first thing I suggest you do is to get a bank account with a totally different bank to any that he uses or knows about. Then whatever money you are able to put in a bit at a time starts your independence. Then if you have a passport take it and any other documents you have and either leave them with a trusted friend, after taking copies of them too, or get a deposit box in a bank so that they are safe and cannot be taken from you. Vindictive people like your husband are quite likely to try and destroy or take things just to keep you stuck with him. When you are on your own start a methodical sift through all documents such as pay slips, and take photos of them, because in the future you may be sure he will try and lie his way about them. Just try to behave as you are normally doing at the moment while you collect all this evidence. Start looking at a variety of things, such as could you afford a flat or a bedsit on your own, where is there a womans refuge, and make sure you have the phone number and information about that , but make it in some form of code so that it will not be visible to him. Collect together all precious photos especially of early pictures of your children and also any you have from your own childhood and your parents. He is quite likely to try and destroy them to upset you. Listen to views from people you trust as to who has a good name as a solictor etc, check up on the phone numbers of the local police, just in case you need them. Carry on thinking about all aspects of your life and look around at friends and see how they are living and decide where you want to end up, and that will help you to find a way to go to the place you want.

As far as we know we only have one life. You have coped with a lot of rotten times in your life and you deserve some happiness that is not backed by fear and worry . I would also write down a couple of the awful situations you have faced and fold them up and put them in an envelope and seal it up and put it somewhere safe. That is so that if you leave him and he then comes round saying he will change and life will be different. dont believe him at all. He only wants to get you to go back to him so that he can either then leave you, or make the rest of your life miserable. Open the envelope and remind yourself of the reality that cannot be ignored and dont let him wheedle his way back to you.

There is little you can do about the past, but you can be in charge of your own future and enjoy what life you have in front of you. The bliss of doing things your way without having to defend it, or alter it just for this bully to carry on in his appalling way. Write up a weeks diary (carefully hidden or kept somewhere at work not at home) and dont exsagerate but just simply write the truth as it happens. Then when you are ready, leave in the way you want, tell your children , they may already know just what he is like, but if not you can give them that to read and to see just a taste of what your life has been like. It will be brilliant , that family and friends now know exactly what he is like and can despise him as we do. He will not like his cover blown and people knowing just what he is like. He will bluster and lie and you dont need to say anything extra, just tell the truth and when he comes up with some plausable rubbish simply state that that is not the truth and say things like. " Dont you remember telling me to go to bed straight away " etc. You dont need to remember things to keep up with lies , just tell the way things are.
Every day you have without him is a better day in your life, and your life may consist of little money but such a relief and calmness and if you have that in life you will also live longer. His behaviour is such that you cannot be sure that he will not descend to physical abuse too, and also you might end up with a heart attack or stroke from coping with this disgusting behaviour. Start today, and as you gather all your thoughts and ideas about what you want to do and work out how to do it, you will be pleased to be back in charge of your life. Every good luck to you and let us know how you get on. We will all be thinking of you and hoping that you find the strength to get out of this awful situation.

He is bullying you he is telling you what to do and you are doing it i e telling you when to go to bed and you ve done it for 40 years to keep the peace and to not burst your bubble as you put it
Let’s get one thing straight …..HE won’t change he’s got away with it for 40 years so to him you are happy with his behaviour and it’s normal fr you both
The only thing that worries me with Monica’s advice to stand up to him is this : you never have, so to suddenly start answering him back or going against what he tells you to do could move it all into physical violence. Once he doesn’t get ‘his way’ once he gets challenged it could move up a notch
So please be very careful
Presuming your children are all adults then yes it could be helpful to talk to them, not to turn them against their father, but so they know you may be changing your life in the near future
Could you manage on your own, its a big move to make and you have to be aware, once opened this Pandora’s box will not close, so get everything well planned
Good luck

I think Madeleine has given some excellent advice here. Very thorough. Only you know if you can do what she advises. Personally if I was in that situation I would but we are all different.

A friend lost her husband not long ago. For her his death was a relief after being stuck in a similar situation. But she had waited for him to die before she reclaimed her life. This was two years ago. Now, she’s as happy as anything and I have never seen her shed a tear. Just relief.

Hi there,

First, I want to say how strong you are for speaking up. It’s hard to talk about this, even here. You are not pathetic—you’ve stayed for your family, and that takes strength. But remember: you deserve kindness, respect, and safety.

What you describe—constant put-downs, walking on eggshells, his anger (especially when drinking)—is emotional abuse. Many abusers act charming in public but hurt those closest to them. You should never have to hide your feelings just to keep peace.

Hi,

First off—you don’t "need your bumps feeling." You’re not crazy, overly sensitive, or to blame for his behavior. After 12 years (and two previous marriages!), you’ve got the wisdom to know this isn’t how love should feel. Switching off to survive isn’t indifference it’s self-preservation.

This is coercive behaviour.

Elevator this is a criminal offence nowadays.

Please start keeping a paper trail. Write a diary for yourself for 2 weeks and then ask yourself "Would I be happy for my child to be in this relationship?"

Then you also have the evidence you need to seek support. It can be I credibly difficult to describe abuse but if it is right there on paper, you have something to refer to.

Put a plan in place, get some money put by, work out how you can get out and move forward safely.

Keep reading these comments, they are correct. You have no idea how happy you could be without being dragged down by a man who never deserved you.

...and if you do choose to write a diary - keep it well hidden!!! Voice of experience time here - sometimes diaries get found.....
and their "privacy" is not respected.

You could use a secret online diary such as Penzu which is free to us.

I expect your children already know what their father is like . It would be impossible to grow up in a house with your parents and not be aware of the atmosphere or hear some of the things he's said and done over the years .

I left my husband after 35 years, we are in our 60s. My kids knew exactly what was going on, they were on the receiving end to but to my shame I didn't find a way to leave until the damage had been done and they were young adults.

Financially it has been a mess and I worry about the future. But my mum died before she could leave my abusive father, and I wanted to do this for her, and also show my girls that this is not ok, you don't have to live like this. So I have my self respect if nothing else. Some people were supportive, some were not. I suppose you have to ask yourself honestly do you want to live like this for ever?

Thank you so much for all the kind advice. It’s just been so helpful to share this. I’m going to take all points on board. Thank you so much x

Please tell your children. You are being abused and you have got used to that! His house -how dare he say that!!
Ordering you to bed , what !!
You have been given sound advise , I hope that helps and I wish you luck. You are worth so much more than this.