Why no Friends

I saw this restless.co.uk/health/healthy-mind/ways-to-make-new-friends

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I read this with so much interest, I am 62 and I do have a husband, yet the no friends issue is a massive problem for me.
I understand your sentiment as I do not have any friendships outside of work colleagues.
I look back at photos over the last 20 years since I married my husband and every photo is just him and I.....no-one else. The cause of this I do not know as I am kind, personable and very caring. However, this has caused a rift between my husband and I as feel very lonely. There is no one in my phone book absolutely no one. Weekends and bank holidays I find SO sad and difficult and prefer to work rather than be confronted with the obvious.
I think other women that I know have parents, adult children, grand children and extended families of which I have none.
My husband does not see this as a problem but to me it is so soul destroying.
Please believe I have tried to forge friendships and it would be amazing to have another couple to be friends with or just to have another woman friend.
I wish you well but please don't feel you are alone in how you feel xxx

One thing I find I do instinctively at the end of a occasion is to leave straight away because I feel there are things I should get on with.
Whereas others linger and chat to people.
After a lifetime of work where there was always something to be done,I have to learn to make small talk.

This resonates so much with me. I have several acquaintances but not many real friends. I never had a best friend at school and used to hate the school year end when you were asked to identify a friend you would like to be paired with when moving up a year as was always tagged in with another couple of best friends. Since reading your post have been thinking why I am lacking close friends and wonder if it’s anything to do with being an only child and consequently not mastered socialising as well as those with siblings. I do like my own company so don’t particularly feel lonely at this point of my life but can see it may be an issue when I retire (I’m 61). I’m fortunate to live with my husband. Daughter and granddaughter live nearby but without these my life would be extremely empty.
You mentioned joining a gym and disappointed with lack of interactions there. I find gyms are very solitary places with many people zoning out wearing earphones with the main aim of doing their workout and getting out and on with their regular day. Maybe an activity with more social focus - I recently joined my local camera club which has been very rewarding with new skills to learn and a lot of social activities too.
I hope we both can overcome our friendship issues and make the meaningful connections we need.

Yes, Eloethan's post might well sum up what is happening.

Join groups. Don't overwhelm people, they might back off, tread slowly.
As I said, volunteering to do the refreshments is always a good move!

Wise words from Eloethan.
I can only add that close friendships aren’t made in a matter of weeks, they develop over a long period of time.
I have friends, but only a very few I’d describe as close, and they are all women I’ve known for many years.

Applegran

I think, though it sounds like a contradiction, that it may work out better for you if you stop thinking in terms of making friends and find things to do with others (e.g, join U3A, do voluntary work) and be interested in the other people. Really listen, respond without 'the very same thing happened to me.....' kind of replies, take your time, relax more if you can. Be there without expectations , be open, relax and enjoy whatever is there to enjoy.

Really great advice.

I don't mean to be unkind but do you think that in being so friendly, helpful and generous to other people you might come across as a bit desperate? If people sense desperation, they get nervous, they think this person is going to want more from me than I can give.

You sound like a lovely person but perhaps you are just a bit too eager. Friendships often have to develop slowly - unless you meet someone with whom you immediately "click" and have much in common.

I am quite a reserved person and when I join a class or other activity, I find it difficult to get to know people at first. It might take several months before I feel comfortable chatting but, with time, it does happen. It is good that you are friendly but perhaps you need to hold back a little and wait for a friendship to develop naturally.

You are obviously a very nice person and I hope things soon look up for you.

I think I can understand how you feel. We moved 12 years ago to another city to be close to grandkids. My husband retired and I worked in real estate. It's been very difficult to cultivate new friendships as I think so many have already established theirs. I too am outgoing, friendly, happy, easy to talk to, etc., but its a difficult row to hoe. I have a some very close besties that live other side of the country and we'll talk several times a week for an hour or so. It's not the same as lunch dates but I'm thankful for them. Wish I had some suggestions but I know it can be hard and lonely at times.

"pal up" or as my Mum used to say " I'll chum you"

Better times.

Denise14

I’ve been at my gym for 18 months now. I just stay quiet and don’t try anymore. I tried for a year then realised it wasn’t going to happen.

Gyms in my (very limited) experience aren't the best for getting to know people. Last one I went to there was a clique of friends at the classes I attended & although there were a lot of others, it didn't make a conducive atmosphere for striking up new acquaintanceships.

Where do you live, I will pal on with you, I'm a lively old bird, love fairs, socialising, etc

Hi Denise
Welcome to gransnet!
After being bereaved I felt alone too . Colleagues who I had worked with never bothered to contact me.
I found a mixed walking group in town and joined that ,made a lot of friends there . Are you in the uk ?. Another good one is the university of the third age (u3a) They have lots of different groups or interests that you could join up . Happy to chat on here

MargaretTay

Hi, I live in Spondon. If you would like to meet up then I'm willing

Hi Margaret
I’ve sent you a pm
Julie

I have two friends I have known since I was 11 and the the husband of a late friend whom I have known since I was 18. When I lived in Cornwall I have some lovely friends. I still keep in touch with them on Facebook but it's not the same as doing things with them. After I retired it took me a long time to make new friends. My neighbours are nice, and we stop and chat, but that's as far as it goes. Over the last couple of years I've joined a U3A painting group and found some ladies I really get on with. I go to Tai Chi every week and four of us have gradually become really friendly and we really enjoy seeing each other. It takes a while, months or perhaps longer but you can get there in the end.

You sound a great person.I would love a friend like you

I think, though it sounds like a contradiction, that it may work out better for you if you stop thinking in terms of making friends and find things to do with others (e.g, join U3A, do voluntary work) and be interested in the other people. Really listen, respond without 'the very same thing happened to me.....' kind of replies, take your time, relax more if you can. Be there without expectations , be open, relax and enjoy whatever is there to enjoy.

I should also say I would absolutely certainly be your friend. I love people.

When I retired from my 27 years working in Hertfordshire, I moved to Warwick to be near my daughter and my new granddaughter whom I love both dearly. Of course, I don’t have friends here yet.
I’ve always been a bit of a loner very work oriented and in another lifetime in the US I was an activist and I’m absolutely comfortable with my own company. However I’m having a problem and I haven’t figured out where to post it on here. Maybe somebody can tell me how you do that because it’s a topic That is sort of related but not quite. ??

You sound like a lovely person. I think some have been hurt by friendships in the past and fear getting involved with new people . I’m in Scotland , happy to chat or meet up for a coffee if you are nearby ?

I joined a Church Social Group and it was DOH ... not my scene , very structured and no humour at all , lots of Bible references , left after 3 weeks .

Hi, I live in Spondon. If you would like to meet up then I'm willing

Denise14 I’m so glad you posted this as I feel just the same. I try to be friendly and helpful and I have acquaintances but not what I would call friends as such. I think people who have friends from way back are so lucky. I get along fine with people but never seem to bond closely. Part of my issue is that my interests aren’t traditional women’s interests. I am a great football fan, love cricket and have a decent knowledge of cars etc. Generally I’m more into male interests but don’t feel comfortable joining a male dominated club or group. I’ve tried women’s groups but people seem to go along with other women they know and natter to them all night long. If there are any women on this group who share any of my interests I live near Derby and would love to hear from you 😀