Apparently, I don't give emotional support

Dear TL, I'm sorry for you.

You don't say how old your daughter is.

The events sound recent, she may be raw?

One wonders what sort of response is expected? If it was me, I wouldn't rush to respond, and if I did, it would be to say something like, "Thanks for sharing your feelings, I'm reflecting on my role, I'm happy you have a strong support network and I'll continue to do my bit", and nothing more.

As you are so upset why not see her face to face? I guess her friends chat over every tiny detail and take a lot of interest, although that doesn’t necessarily mean they have her best interest at heart. You could surprise her by getting very emotional about the way she is treating you! Some people just are very practical and my goodness how useful they are, something she hasn’t thought about I guess

I am a very emotional person but it’s only in recent years that emotions have been talked about. We can only do our best when it comes to our children but unfortunately they seem to think we should have the answers to everything. They rarely think we ourselves may need support.

I agree with luluaugust. Only the two of you know the details, so a face to face meeting will do far more than all the ‘it sounds to me’ remarks on an online forum.
Maybe a trusted third neutral party to keep the discussion on track?

My feeling is that your daughter has been hurt by whatever it is that has occurred, and she is looking for someone to lash out at. If she did it to her friends they would be unlikely to continue to offer support; you don't have that option.

I would send a brief, noncommittal reply saying you are sorry she is so unhappy and you are here if she needs you.
But only you know how your daughter is likely to respond.

It sounds like your daughter has been going through a tough time recently and you, being a lovely mum, have given her the support you felt was necessary. But it seems your daughter is looking for someone to use as an emotional punch bag. Cue you.
Try to rise above this and don’t reply to her letter, in fact don’t mention it, just continue to help your daughter and SiL as best you can. There will come a time when you can sit down with your daughter and the letter and let her know how hurt you were but now isn’t the time.
Not showing how upset you are is tough but just do your level best.
Wishing you luck with this, and btw it sounds like you are doing a great job.
Xx

Retread

Dear TL, I'm sorry for you.

You don't say how old your daughter is.

The events sound recent, she may be raw?

One wonders what sort of response is expected? If it was me, I wouldn't rush to respond, and if I did, it would be to say something like, "Thanks for sharing your feelings, I'm reflecting on my role, I'm happy you have a strong support network and I'll continue to do my bit", and nothing more.

I agree with that response

I think I would just say something like “I’m here for you if you want me to be”.

There is obviously bad history with you two so I would keep back.

It looks as if your daughter is really suffering and, as others have said, she wanted to lash out on someone. Unfortunately that someone happened to be you, isn’t it always us mums in the firing line? I agree that this is not something to be dealt with in a letter or a text. If it was me I would go and visit her and give her a big hug, saying you are really sorry that she is so unhappy and that you love her. Try and get her to talk to you about how she is feeling and tell her she can always talk to you.
Of course, only you know how she would respond but I do hope you can sort it out.

I wouldn't respond; wait until you see her and then ask her to explain what she means.

Babs03

It sounds like your daughter has been going through a tough time recently and you, being a lovely mum, have given her the support you felt was necessary. But it seems your daughter is looking for someone to use as an emotional punch bag. Cue you.
Try to rise above this and don’t reply to her letter, in fact don’t mention it, just continue to help your daughter and SiL as best you can. There will come a time when you can sit down with your daughter and the letter and let her know how hurt you were but now isn’t the time.
Not showing how upset you are is tough but just do your level best.
Wishing you luck with this, and btw it sounds like you are doing a great job.
Xx

I agree with Babs and I would advocate simply not responding until you’ve spoken with her and had the time to digest her letter.

None of us are perfect and emotional support is quite subjective and can mean different things to us all.

Please don’t write back. If you do then tear it up and bin it before sending. So often the written word doesn’t convey what we want it to and it can be read over and over again opening the wounds time and time again.
My aunt wrote to my father and was critical of not only him but of us and the rift was never mended. My sister has just received a missive from her DinL and is also upset. What is it with these young people? What are they expecting?
I don’t know what else I could say to help, you must be feeling very hurt.

We all have our strengths. Yours, like mine, is practical. As long as emotional support is offered by someone who is good at that then your daughter is surrounded by the various supports she needs.
You have done and are doing your bit in the best way you can. retread has written the response I would give better than I could have done.

eazybee

My feeling is that your daughter has been hurt by whatever it is that has occurred, and she is looking for someone to lash out at. If she did it to her friends they would be unlikely to continue to offer support; you don't have that option.

I would send a brief, noncommittal reply saying you are sorry she is so unhappy and you are here if she needs you.
But only you know how your daughter is likely to respond.

This. Happens so often.
She knows you won't desert her whatever - the friends she's contrasting you with, she has to keep sweet.
It's just human nature, take it as a compliment that she knows deep down she can be spiteful with you & you'll be there for her anyway.

TheatreLover
I think I feel very differently to most others about this. I know this will be the case so don't know why I feel so compelled to say something. Obviously we are all different and I know nothing of your previous relationship with her... that said, she has written to you abd this may be a last straw or it may be an opportunity.
For what it's worth - here are my thoughts

I'd be devastated and would say something truly heartfelt and apologetic and say how terrible to learn that I had failed her when she was so low.

That I really love her.

That I always want the very very best for her and have obviously not been the very best in this instance.

That I would would love to be able to see her when she feels strong enough so I can learn from her what went wrong

I would say I need you to help me understand.

Then apologise again.

And then I would wait.

BUT
I am someone very happy to acknowledge my failings. I would endure no matter how many hours of reliving an old pain with her to get on the right track in future.
I am a natural problem-solver - and that isn't what my daughters always require so now I say something very specific "do you need help with a plan or do you just need to come here, be held and need me to be angry/frustrated alongside you?"
Sometimes we just need someone to listen and have no solutions.

I'd do it at once by text, I'd ask if i could call and would want this to end. I would not talk about what I actually DID for her as she knows this and is is telling me what I did NOT do.^
The things I didn't do are burning her and I'd want to acknowledge her grief.

I wouldn't write an essay. Just something short and honest.

I do hope whatever you do heals her pain. And yours.

BTW this reads as a cry for help to me, one of sadness - not a lashing out.

Sounds to me as if your DD has MH problems? Either that or she’s one of those AC who never grows up.
Do you want to continue giving practical support? Does that mean money?
The amount of middle aged kidults around is astounding.
Why do you allow her to treat you this way?

NotSpaghetti

BTW this reads as a cry for help to me, one of sadness - not a lashing out.

The OP has been subjected to this sort of crap behaviour since her DD was a teenager!

Maybe Oreo, but this has obviously something new about it.
If it was just more of the same why would TheatreLover post about it now?

Badly treated parents often put up with this kind of behaviour from AC for years and sadly become used to it.They often feel guilty whether that’s justified or not.The AC knows they have the whip hand and can become more cruel in their behaviour.

Well. It's out there now.
I am very lucky.
I have got plenty wrong over the years but I am fortunate that none of them treat me badly.

We are all a disappointment some of the time after all.

I am sorry if this is the truth of it anyway, TheatreLover

Yes, I’m very lucky too, my girls and I get on really well, but if we didn’t then I’d refuse to become a doormat for their perceived grudges.
I wish TheatreLover all the luck in the world with sorting out this situation but the old saying ‘never put it in writing’ comes to mind, and I think I would ignore the letter.Phone in a short while and just ask her how things are but don’t allow yourself to be put down.

I have two friends in the situation similar to the OP.
One has an AC with MH problems who gets worse as time goes on.The other just has an AC who constantly makes the wrong choices.Both use the parent badly, no matter how much help is given they remain eternally ungrateful.

I'm not perfect, neither are my daughters. Do I always respond in the way they would like? No. Do they always respond in the way I'd hope? No. Do they sometimes get cross with me? yes. Do I feel cross with them? Sometimes but I'm quite forgiving! Am I always there to help them pick up the pieces when life is really tough? yes. Do they always appreciate it? No but they know they can absolutely depend on me. Enough said really. Don't reply, least said, soonest mended, just give time for it to blow over unless of course, on reflection, you think you have something to apologise for. If so, just apologise and move on. I've lost count of the big upsets in my life that meant nothing a week or so later! Hope it all works out for you, sending a hug!