Apparently, I don't give emotional support

How ironic that she accuses you of some emotional absence or distance from her. Isn't that the inevitable result of years of her hurtful remarks and criticism of you?

I would ask her to describe specifically in what way she considered you had not given her sufficient emotional support.

You cannot expect to 'improve' if you do not know how you 'failed'. It sounds to me as if your relationship has been difficult for some time, so I always feel it is better to be upfront and just ask for the specifics so that you can tailor your support to suit her next time. Although, I suspect that she will then find something else to accuse you of failing to provide. Your DD may always shape her relationship with you so that you are always failing her, because that is what she wants to believe.

eazybee

My feeling is that your daughter has been hurt by whatever it is that has occurred, and she is looking for someone to lash out at. If she did it to her friends they would be unlikely to continue to offer support; you don't have that option.

I would send a brief, noncommittal reply saying you are sorry she is so unhappy and you are here if she needs you.
But only you know how your daughter is likely to respond.

That was my feeling too, she is taking it out on someone she can actually trust will handle it (!!??).

Has she said what emotional support she would specifically like that she is not getting?

Oreo

Yes, I’m very lucky too, my girls and I get on really well, but if we didn’t then I’d refuse to become a doormat for their perceived grudges.
I wish TheatreLover all the luck in the world with sorting out this situation but the old saying ‘never put it in writing’ comes to mind, and I think I would ignore the letter.Phone in a short while and just ask her how things are but don’t allow yourself to be put down.

Very sound advice.

Always better to be a strong support rather than floppy emotional

You can get both. I definitely agree with you about strong, what you might call "structural" support:

but TheatreLover..... is it possible to ask her where she feels you are lacking in giving personal/emotional support.

To see if you can either meet those needs, or that they are entirely unreasonable even impossible:
and you sadly have to cope and "hang fire" until the situation changes?

To repeat myself above,

(Ignore last sentence, part of an earlier draft)

I do think some people have a funny idea about personal/emotional support.
It is a strong thing (and requires a lot of effort). It can't be done in a floppy way!
Just saying.

Thank you all so much for your kindness, and for taking the time and trouble to respond. Sorry I was a bit vague, but I'm a bit wary of putting too much information out on social media. The practical help that I give is helping with my grandchildren, babysitting, looking after grandchildren in school holidays etc which I've always assumed was the best way of supporting my own children.

I did reply briefly to my daughter's email, apologising for the remark that I made, and the apology has been accepted. No apology from her for lashing out at me and for the hurtful email that she sent. Doubt if she understands how hurtful her comments were, and I do agree I should discuss this with her at an appropriate time. We have tried to discuss our relationship in the past, but not helpful to me as it always ends up with me being in the wrong. I'm actually a bit frightened of her behaviour as she is very quick to snap at me if I say something, which in her opinion, is wrong. I don't take it personally as she's like this with everyone. She's very bright, and doesn't seem to understand that not everyone is as quick thinking as she is. In other ways, she's delightful and fun to be with.

I had just spent a lovely, fun day with 2 other grandchildren, and when my daughter's email arrived my heart just sank when I saw the contents. I just feel that I'm getting too old for all this drama.

I see my daughter and her children regularly so your comments have really given me something to think about, so thank you so much .

Thank you for elucidating a little.

Hope you feel better now.

Oh the drama! I have this with my son from time to time. Experience has taught me just to ride it out.
It sounds a sif you have calmed the waters and that's good, also that she apologised.

Just be you and let her be her. You can't fake emotions you don't have, and she sounds as if she causes a lot of frustration.

Try not to buy into it- say og here she goes again and to an extent ignore it, difficult as that is.

I know I present to my son as being emotionally cold but like you, I can't be bothered with the drama anymore.

Just be that constant steady presence you seem to be, that in itself helps your DD to regulate herself.

I must admit I’d be tempted to write something snippy like Oh dear neither of us are very at supporting each other emotionally are we?

But I’m sure it’s probably better not to poke the bear💐

I'm glad to read there has been an easing.

What you say about "getting too old for drama" strikes a chord with me. I remember my mother saying something similar when she was much the same age as I am now. Sometimes when there was drama (and I'd be one of the culprits from time to time) she would just shake her head, a small gesture, and walk away. I ache now for the lost opportunities to say I'm sorry.

TheatreLover

Thank you all so much for your kindness, and for taking the time and trouble to respond. Sorry I was a bit vague, but I'm a bit wary of putting too much information out on social media. The practical help that I give is helping with my grandchildren, babysitting, looking after grandchildren in school holidays etc which I've always assumed was the best way of supporting my own children.

I did reply briefly to my daughter's email, apologising for the remark that I made, and the apology has been accepted. No apology from her for lashing out at me and for the hurtful email that she sent. Doubt if she understands how hurtful her comments were, and I do agree I should discuss this with her at an appropriate time. We have tried to discuss our relationship in the past, but not helpful to me as it always ends up with me being in the wrong. I'm actually a bit frightened of her behaviour as she is very quick to snap at me if I say something, which in her opinion, is wrong. I don't take it personally as she's like this with everyone. She's very bright, and doesn't seem to understand that not everyone is as quick thinking as she is. In other ways, she's delightful and fun to be with.

I had just spent a lovely, fun day with 2 other grandchildren, and when my daughter's email arrived my heart just sank when I saw the contents. I just feel that I'm getting too old for all this drama.

I see my daughter and her children regularly so your comments have really given me something to think about, so thank you so much .

She's young, lacks self awareness, ie - the effect she has on others. Some people have it naturally: some mature into this, some don't. Its not your fault.

Just remember - big time - that it's not uncommon to "take it out" on our nearest and dearest. It means she is secure in your love.

My son did this for a period, but he has grown up, and understands the "why's" now of what happened before.

However, if she is very hurtful on one or two points, my advice fwiw, is to tell her, "X, that hurt". Quietly, directly, sh will probably snap back, but a bit of her will take note. Rubbishing someone is never OK.

My Sis goes by the doctors precept of "do no harm". Never too young to try and learn that. x

BTW, check with yourself that you are not doing too much to help out. If it's making you tired - or even resentful - you are more vulnerable to being hurt.

Retread has good advice. sometimes body language can say more than words.

I always think telling someone, especially someone close to you that they have not given you enough 'emotional support' is the great emotional blackmail equivalent to a punch in the stomach.

I mean what does it actually mean? You did not ring them three times a day or Whats App them enough? One day you forgot to give them a kiss and a hug? One day you didn't answer the phone because you had migraine?

Daughters in particular are really good in knowing exactly what tactic will take their mothers out at the knees.

As for the practical support v emotional support conundrum. Practical support is emotional support. It is showing you care for someone but doing practical things to support them.

Parents, especially mothers are often set up to fail by daughters. I always say that a mothers place is in the wrong, and there is a lot of truth in it. Unfortunately for some mothers the wrong is severe and only seenin the perception of the daughter.

I agree 100% that practical support is emotional support too.

She is lashing out at you because in her heart of hearts she knows you will always forgive her.

It is unfair of your daughter to accuse you in such a general way. You need to know what she means by emotional support. I would have thought that practical support is more meaningful than words, cuddles, or whatever.

May it's like the scene in Ghost where Molly tells Sam she really needs to hear the words "I love you" instead of what he habitually says "Ditto".

That's what mothers are for sometimes, I'm afraid. Your daughter is letting off steam, expressing her emotions to someone whom she knows will listen and not turn away.
I agree with Eazybee. You have done nothing wrong, but may have to bear a lot of anger and blame to help your daughter. Try to be calm; be sure to listen and don't retaliate.
It's really hard, I know, but as I said at the beginning - that's one of the functions of parents!
I do hope that eventually she will find a way of coping with whatever is the situation. Meanwhile, use Gransnet as your release and relief and let off YOUR steam here!
We'll listen.

What a wise and generous set of people here.
M0nica - ‘Daughters in particular are really good in knowing exactly what tactic will take their mothers out at the knees.

As for the practical support v emotional support conundrum. Practical support is emotional support. It is showing you care for someone but doing practical things to support them.

Parents, especially mothers are often set up to fail by daughters. I always say that a mother’s place is in the wrong, and there is a lot of truth in it.’

Not just daughters - DH’s sons do this to him too. Never slow to get on the phone when they need help of some kind though. They seem to think that they can say pretty much what they like, but we have to be super careful about anything that’s taken to be critical or insufficiently sympathetic. They seem to like nothing more than an excuse reminding him that he was a less than perfect dad when they were young. It takes him out at the knees too, and it’s distressing to see this happen to him. I don’t think it’s really going to change now - I think it’s a pattern of behaviour that’s quite ingrained. They just don’t cut him any slack or acknowledge that he loves them and has their best interests at heart, rather than looking for the negative in every comment. That’s why I really liked Retread’s response too.

And I’ve recently been accused by my mother of being unsympathetic, in spite of providing lots of practical support to her. But like Not Spaghetti, I think I may often jump in to try to find practical solutions, when she just needs someone to listen. Trying to get better at listening and sympathising. And will now remind myself that’s a practical thing to do too. I’m always more of a doer than a sitter, but trying to be better at this.

We are never too old to learn are we, and all still ‘work-in-progress’!

Warm thoughts to you TheatreLover - so pleased that you’ve had a lovely time with your grandchildren at least. They do lift our spirits, don’t they?

TL what does emotional support include?

I highly recommend the 5 Secrets of Effective Communication by psychiatrist David Burns.
feelinggood.com/2016/12/12/014-the-five-secrets-of-effective-communication-part-1/