Divorced emotionally abusive H after 35+ years - struggling with grief

If the settlement is still not settled, don’t cave in and go for as much as you need to exist, and what’s fair.

Sorry, I’m still waiting for the bit where you did something unforgivable….

Don’t we all grieve the might have been? The wonderful retirement with travel and the happy ever after. It baffles me that so many people make so much of Christmas and expect Christmas to do so much for them and then they don’t have the Christmas that’s on the adverts. I think an awful lot of people should give up Xmas if they are not Christians and just go for Saturnalia. Lots of feasting and gift giving . And stoicism is good

Stansgran

Don’t we all grieve the might have been? The wonderful retirement with travel and the happy ever after. It baffles me that so many people make so much of Christmas and expect Christmas to do so much for them and then they don’t have the Christmas that’s on the adverts. I think an awful lot of people should give up Xmas if they are not Christians and just go for Saturnalia. Lots of feasting and gift giving . And stoicism is good

Great post. It's 24 hours in the absolute dead of winter. Landfill Fest.

And people are banging on the doors of Relate, MH services and so on after it's over.

You've been given lots of good advice here, MrsNS, but look again at yesterday's post by FriedGreenTomatoes.
She was absolutely correct in her last sentence. Please celebrate your strength.
Good luck.

Be very clear.... you do not have to sit down civilly with him ever again.
You push and push for the very best financial deal you can.. this is your whole future you are talking about!
Whether he is ever happy again is not your problem, nor should it be of the slightest interest to you.
Whatever life he leads from here on in is absolutely none of your business and if he screws up his relationship with his kids.. well that is his responsibility.. again none of your business.
If you dont look after your own financial interests.. no-one else will.
He has never been, is not, and never will be your friend.

thank you everyone. Will update when I can.

Perhaps you are simply feeling lonely? You are used to sharing a home with a family and now that has gone. Your ex sounds very unpleasant and you're better off without him.
Please don't be tempted to get involved with someone new just to fill the gap in your life. There are many men who would take advantage of a woman like you.
I think you need financial advice, and I'm surprised that your ex isn't paying maintenance for the children.

If its amicable with your d’s and his girls, perhaps you could take it in turns at Christmas, mine never wanted to see his children, so it was easy from my point of view but hard on them as they missed him until they married, of course, then there are in laws every other year its only fair. If I had my husband we would have been fine just us. I am treating it as just another day.

Eloethan

I am very sorry you feel so low mrsnonsmoker. I can understand why - I too would have a mixture of emotions - sadness, anger, resentment, etc, at the unfairness of it all.

I think you did the right thing divorcing someone so unkind - and so obviously unconcerned about his own children. But really - would you want to spend Christmas with someone who made your life so unpleasant?

It is all very well for people to tell you to get on with your own life and not "get annoyed" about the situation but I am sure that is easier said than done. However, I hope at some point you can come to terms with it and be grateful that you no longer have to spend your life treading on eggshells to avoid annoying your husband. As someone else suggested, perhaps speaking to a counsellor would help. And I hope being able to express your feelings on Gransnet has given you some relief at least.

I hope life gets better for you.

I needed a counsellor, in fact seeing one atm: for me its been since January 2022 when it all kicked off, divided and no contact (becuase of the way he treated me at the final meeting) since January 2023.

I very very strongly recommend one. Its hard to get one on the NHS now BUT - local abuse and womens charities do do free counselling in some cities

Yes you are probably missing the idea of what could have been- human nature to some extent. Easy to say try not to dwell. Rather find your new FOCUS. You tell us clearly what you actually had- 35 unhappy years trying not to upset your angry ex husband.

Well done mrsexsmoker, for finding the courage 2 years ago to seek a better life for yourself 👏👏.

Thats was the beginning. After so many years focussing on his needs its obvious it's going to take time to change your habits and behaviours to focus on your own needs, emotionally and financially. THIS is your MAIN focus now.

What concerned me about your OP was that you outlined you are actually divorced but have not yet secured a court approved Financial order or Court Order which means financial obligations are not yet ended. This creates uncertainty and risk and you have no Clean Break settlement. If your ex husband earns more than you, has a greater pension value than you and has purchased a new property (you are in rented accommodation) he is running the higher risk. You are currently able to make a claim on his pension, his assets and for maintenance as it appears you are struggling financially as you state in your OP and he is not. Without a clean break settlement you can continue to make claims on him, particularly if you are made redundant and lose your job. Informal agreements between a couple are not legally binding. It's REALLY IMPORTANT your rights are protected, the agreement is fair to you and it is legally binding.

What happened to the equity in your marital home when it was sold? Is it sitting in the bank? Did you agree to a 50/50 split and you both banked your share? Do you have an occupational pension- does your ex husband?

So most importantly focus and push for the best financial settlement you can possibly achieve and get it court ratified.

Tell your ex husband- don't ask him, you now want to secure final financial settlement and say you would like to both see a financial mediator to discuss and agree. If he agrees follow through and get it booked and organised.

If he disagrees, just say ok- thank you for making that clear, I will look into other ways to get it sorted" and leave him be. He will not be sued to you behaving like this and will be left wandering what you are going to do next....

Then contact your local court to request court facilitated mediation or apply for a financial order through your local court. You can do this online yourself, you don't need your ex husband's permission. It's a relatively straight forward form to fill in. There is a charge but not hugely expensive or nearly as expensive as a solicitor doing it for you. The court will ask for your ex- husband's name, address and email address then contact him and yourself to invite you both to court approved mediation, in order to agree financial settlement. process with assistance from the mediator.

You then both make financial disclosure to mediator via a designated form provided, salary, pensions, rent or mortgage payments, outgoings, income, utility payments, council tax, dependents etc plus each disclose assets, e.g. equity from marital home, cars etc. You may have agreed 50/50 split previously but remember that is NOT legally binding till ratified by court and could therefore be up for negotiation, for example a large share off set against his pension value if greater than yours.

You will then both agree a Memorandum of Understanding to go before the court to ratify.

If your husband refuses the court mediation, the court will still ask you both for financial disclosure- you each see the others and then you both apply for what you feel is a fair settlement and the court will decide.

You can get legal representation to fill in all the forms for you and write letters to your ex husband but the process is the process. The decision and choice is your own- worth the money if you can afford it. You are already divorced, this is merely financial process. Very similar to small claims process. All detail set on line to guide you step by step.

If you feel you need help to complete the forms- do you have a trusted friend or family member that is good with paper work? Or visit citizen Advice bureaux or other local organisations/charities that may assist.

At the same time I would suggest seeking counselling for yourself- to help with all the emotional fall out of your divorce and forging a new life. That takes time, and I'm not surprised at all how youre feeling. But remember always you deserve a better life than spending it with an emotionally abusive man and now you are learning how to build that life in a way that is going to make you happy. The counsellor can also listen you your efforts regards seeking financial mediation and settlement and talk about boosting your self confidence to navigate the process. It's a win/ win really and focused on YOU?

Rome wasnt built in a day- it takes time. Focus on your needs and keep going. Well done and good luck 💐

You can find a Counsellor through RELATE. You dont need to be married. A relate counsellor helped me many years ago in the early stages of my divorce and it really helped. Contributions are requested on an affordability basis....

Such good helpful advice on here which I dont need to add too.

Thank you everyone and LemonJam for taking the time and trouble to advise me. If I go after any more money from him, he will struggle to pay for the mortgage on his new house - I just don't see that would help although I do worry that he will move new girlfriend in and then it will become her house too!

So why don't you have a new house?

If I go after any more money from him, he will struggle to pay for the mortgage on his new house

PLEASE read this as we Gransnetters are doing. -
Why are you struggling and still making sacrifices so that he isn't struggling?

You have at least as much right to be financially OK.
Obviously it's not easy to run two households when there was previously only one to run but you should have the same opportunity to move on.

Well done you for taking control of your life at last. Yes, it will be very odd at first but with time, as others have said, slowly you'll be feeling more positive and eventually I believe you will feel your new self.

We all grieve what "might have been" sometimes. Even those of us who have happy marriages. I felt this acutely when my son married and my parents has both died.
I miss not being able to be as active (or comfortable) in retirement as I once envisioned...
I miss all the dreams that we never realised...

You have a right to miss the future you longed for... But really you should be proud that you have simply survived an abusive marriage- and are strong enough to get out at last.
You are obviously stronger than you think.

You have done the toughest bit and now are trying to create a new "normal". One day you will find you are a butterfly and not a caterpillar after all.

When people divorce and family home sold, you end up with half of what you had, it's why some people stay married. Men usually move on quickly to another partner and family. Women largely have the problems of juggling everything. It
is hard being on your own again especially when you had a good standard of living. Easier if money no object, but it can be done. Work with what you have, I assume your financial settlement was mutually agreeable for both parties. That old life has gone, the good and the bad and it's hard accepting that because your exhausted with everything and no wonder but you must make this new way of life work for you now. Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery and today a present,as the saying goes. Good luck and you can do it.

"If I go after any more money from him, he will struggle to pay for the mortgage on his new house - I just don't see that would help although I do worry that he will move new girlfriend in and then it will become her house too!"

mrsnonesmoker- It's good to hear back from you, I hope you are OK. Please, Please think of YOUR OWN well-being. not your husband's wellbeing. He is responsible for himself now as you are divorced. This switch in thinking of yourself and your own needs and wellbeing is new behaviour for you as you are programmed to think of him instead as a result of your 35 year experience in your marriage. But it can be UNLEARNED.

You told us this in your OP:
"I'm struggling financially, practically and emotionally, still a carer for youngest DC, in a privately rented flat which takes 2/3rds of my salary and isn't suitable for our dog, now threatened with redundancy".

You DESERVE a FAIR settlement. YOU deserve a home of your own too. You are already struggling financially. Your ex husband taking on a new mortgage that may be stretching him financially is not a reason to not seek and agree a FAIR settlement. there is £xx settlement funds in the pot that still needs resolution and your ex husband will need to cut his cloth to match AFTER the settlement is finally agreed. His girlfriend has no bearing on your right to a fair settlement after such a long marriage. Not least as you are still caring for your DC.

I know how difficult all this is for you and so, so difficult to for any of us to change learned behaviour. But youve already reached out to Gransnetters- you can keep going, one step at a time. My thoughts are with you and I really do hope you may reach out for support, counselling, mediation, any thing or anyone that will help you navigate your way forward in relation to your financial divorce settlement.

Best wishes 💐

Very sound advice being given to you so all I can add is this. Like others have said, his girlfriend may well see the light and walk. I think that if you continue in your mindset of still always taking his feeling, wants, finances before your own that if he does find himself on his own again that he'd drag you back into his life. Do you want to go back to the miserable life you had and paper over the cracks by convincing yourself that it's worth it just to be financially secure? I know of someone who was in a really miserable and abusive relationship which she left over 25yrs ago. It still doesn't stop her feeling bitter that he's moved on. What's the point of being like that? It's ruined the life she could have had. I know it's far from easy but pkease listen to and follow the advice given. We are all with you.