Divorced emotionally abusive H after 35+ years - struggling with grief

Sounds as if you did the right thing in divorce and it wasn’t easy for you no doubt when bringing up the children, but now is the right time.
His new girlfriend may be tiptoeing around him soon.
Forget about what he does now as a Dad, that’s up to him and if he’s too casual with the AC then he’ll reap what he sews.You continue to do what’s right for you.
Not having as much money and a smaller house is worth you doing what suits you.Be relieved he’s out of your life now.

I think you have done the right thing, from what you have said. I think maybe you are looking at your past life through rose-coloured glasses and you should now remember how unhappy you were. Better still, don’t dwell on it at all. Look forwards not backwards - you have a whole new life ahead of you. Make the most of it and good luck!

What are you grieving for ? An abusive husband I would think you d be loving the peace now
You say you wouldn’t go anywhere else for Christmas dinner even if your daughter invited you Why ??? What on earth are you hanging on to ? You should be applauding the fact you have escaped from an abusive marriage
I would not be having Christmas dinner with an ex abusive husband who has a new girlfriend anyway why would he want dinner with you !!!! Why on earth would you try hanging on to something you ve plucked up the courage to get rid of
It’s like throwing a bag of rubbish in the bin.then dragging it out to go through all the dirtit to make absolutely sure you haven’t thrown any thing good away
Please please get some counselling to build up your self esteem which I would think is rock bottom
How old is your youngest child are they ill or in sone way unable to look after themself (I m presuming they are not very young if you are in your early 60s)

How come he’s better off than you? Assets are supposed to be divided equally in a divorce! If you’re struggling financially go to citizen’s advice to see if there’s anything you can claim.

I would rejoice in your freedom and as someone has already said, don’t think the new girlfriend will be happy for long.

So. Ex has got a new home, a new life, a new woman, new plans.. I bet he's even got a new dog. And to his kids, sadly he's still the same Dad as before. No magical upgrade there.

You're imagining a life you didn't have with him, and a retirement you didn't have with him, and then you're "grieving" for an imaginary happiness and content that you didn't have with him.

Worse, you're now having a fantasy that he has a better happier new life with the GF ; his Happy Xmas diary is crowded with invitations from friends etc. (Which you believe because he said it's so. Uh, as if in all those dismal years together he never told any lies or deceived you and made stuff up to gaslight you ?)

So, bottom line. For half your life you let this man rule and control your life. Your thoughts were endlessly centred on him, tiptoeing around him, anxious, wondering what hurt he'll do next to you and your kids . And nothing has changed. He is still living in your head. Occupying all your thoughts, draining all your emotional energy.

Why are you letting him?

Your life now is real, it's all yours and you own it.

i think the real source of your worries is the financial insecurity you face and the threat of redundancy. I think you are looking back at the stability of a house you had, no doubt for some time, decorated to your taste with your joint possessions and wishin you were back there.

Do not confuse that with wishing for the past. Each time you do that remind yourself why, with retirement ahead you still decided to divorce him and make your own way in an unstettled world.

Do not stay home and be miserable over Christmas. there is nothing your Ex will enjoy more - and gloat over, The fact that he is off wth his new girlfriend while you are all alone. Ask your daughters if you can spend Christmas with them and then be joyeous and happy and really enjoy it, do not be death's head at the feast. Whatever you feel like, it wll do you good.

Stop finding out what your Ex is doing. Just build a new life, take up new interests, do things on your own. its a great life.

Perhaps you may be happier if you ignore your Ex. You're allowing a nasty person to live rent free in your head on what could have been. Stop.

Do whatever you wish Christmas Day, without nasty Ex. Do trust me here, he is not wondering to make your day happy.

"if my DDs wanted to spend the day with me I wouldn't even consider going elsewhere"

Sorry not sure if it was confusing but yes the girls always have Christmas Day with me, the three of us wouldn't want to be apart (I suppose until they have their own partners or families of course) - I was surprised Ex-H didn't want to join us as usual; its just one day to be civil!

But getting back to the point is think M0nica has it - I bet if I was financially secure none of this would be such a worry. And I came on here to say yes, I do grieve for it all, all those years, what I'd hoped for - it's as if some people feel I have no right to do that.

As for the financial settlement, it's not "done" yet but he feels he's been too generous to me, and I feel I've been too generous to him. So if I try to go for any more, which I still have time to do, then we definitely won't sit down civilly anywhere ever again!

(Just to answer Bluebelle youngest is early 20s and yes, does need support and will do for foreseeable future so I am her carer although no longer full time she has some degree of independence but not fully, yet)

Norah

Perhaps you may be happier if you ignore your Ex. You're allowing a nasty person to live rent free in your head on what could have been. Stop.

Do whatever you wish Christmas Day, without nasty Ex. Do trust me here, he is not wondering to make your day happy.

Exactly this!

I'm sorry about your life circumstances but I've been there. Although my ex thought he was better off he has now lost his sight. I know nothing else about him'

Help your children by supporting and being there for them from now on- children are for life and not just for Christmas.

Try to live everyday with some shed of joy for yourself- you never know what lies around the corner...

As for the financial settlement, it's not "done" yet but he feels he's been too generous to me, and I feel I've been too generous to him.

So if I try to go for any more, which I still have time to do, then we definitely won't sit down civilly anywhere ever again

Go for more, you do not need his approval, you need resources.

…what he SOWS

Some contradictions in your letter
I did an unforgivable thing - I stayed with my angry Ex-H for 35 years
No you didn't; you tried your very hardest to make your marriage work and give your children a secure upbringing.
I don't understand why he doesn't want to be with his family (on Christmas Day)
Yes you do; it is because everything has always been about him.
I am glad as I didn't want him to be unhappy - even though he made our lives a misery for all those years, he's still the DCs' dad etc
You are miserable and so should he be, but stop thinking about him; he won't care about you. Sorry to be brutal.
Your final sentence is true; you are grieving for what might have been, but you know it won't be. Your life will get better, once your job situation is sorted out, and you MUST claim more from him; you are caring for a dependant daughter and you and she need maintenance.
There is a time when you will look back and think why did I stay with him but now you have made the break which was courageous and you have three supportive daughters. Don't grieve for what might have been but allow some anger towards your selfish ex husband, and fight for what you are entitled to, a better life.

Norah

^As for the financial settlement, it's not "done" yet but he feels he's been too generous to me, and I feel I've been too generous to him.^

So if I try to go for any more, which I still have time to do, then we definitely won't sit down civilly anywhere ever again

Go for more, you do not need his approval, you need resources.

Totally agree with this.

You don’t have to keep him happy. Even now you are hanging on to some kind of “happy family” illusion with thinking he’d like to be with you at Christmas.

Think about what’s best for you as a single person. Financial security for you definitely tops keeping a man happy🙂

Is there any way that your rent could be taking a smaller proportion of your income? Are you or dependent child entitled to any benefits? There are some really good digital support groups out there.

On an emotional level I was in a similar boat. You will come out the other side. Never care about what he has apparently got

You’re going through a tough time financially which then will impact upon you emotionally.

But please remember - you can’t buy peace of mind.

You got out of a toxic relationship. Well done.

You sound as if you want your old life back. If you have been divorced two years the finances will be sorted and you should have half of everything.
Only you know what your old life was. If you are divorced and your children grown and flown, why would you be cooking dinner for all of you when he was abusive, they can't be happy memories. Do things the way you would like them, go on holiday, make different memories unless you want him back but he has moved on.. I wouldn't want to see him if he was abusive. .

I understand the grieving mrsnonsmoker in terms of the hope and dreams and the happiness at the beginning.

There is grief work to be done, it occurs in your case you maybe not grieving for the loss of him, you are grieving for the loss of yourself? For so many years"

But yes, there were very happy times indeed at points and som need to sort of understand" how could it have all happened that way?

Mine came to a rapid and very emotionally violent end however, and I am financially secure, with me it was 11 years - and above all he is not my child's father and I get on well with first DH.

I don't know what you can do on the financial front, but do wonder with Chardy that living somewhere cheaper may not be as nice, but will be less worrying.

But I do agree that you have to wrap those lovely DD's around you at Christmas. Be cosy. enjoy they love you.

To hell with him, he may not be as happy etc as he says and may well get thrown away himself when the new model comes to her senses.

You have the past behind you, are still working, and retirement beckons. Please look forward and do all the things you would like to do. They don't need to be expensive, just give you joy. There will be a big void between the actual physical move of going to chosen activity, but give it a few months and you will learn new people and ways and they will take over and help to heal the wound left by an abusive marriage. Put on your glad rags, best smile, and get out there.

I understand that strange feeling of grieving for something you hoped for. It's a loss.

Have you thought of seeing a therapist to process some of this and put it in some kind of order?
I think Christmas is 24 hours and not a priority right now.

What do you want to sit down to dinner with this man for? Go for the settlement you are entitled too, and don't worry if this man is not civil to you, he never was anyway.
Do you still have feelings for this horror, I know I would be fighting to make my life financially secure and
alot easier.
Let him have his life and you have yours, no good will come out of you getting annoyed about his.

I am very sorry you feel so low mrsnonsmoker. I can understand why - I too would have a mixture of emotions - sadness, anger, resentment, etc, at the unfairness of it all.

I think you did the right thing divorcing someone so unkind - and so obviously unconcerned about his own children. But really - would you want to spend Christmas with someone who made your life so unpleasant?

It is all very well for people to tell you to get on with your own life and not "get annoyed" about the situation but I am sure that is easier said than done. However, I hope at some point you can come to terms with it and be grateful that you no longer have to spend your life treading on eggshells to avoid annoying your husband. As someone else suggested, perhaps speaking to a counsellor would help. And I hope being able to express your feelings on Gransnet has given you some relief at least.

I hope life gets better for you.

I agree Eloethan it is easier said than done, however to get the financial settlement that's fair, she has to look at this from the view that she does not care if he is civil or not , or ok one day at Christmas, she needs to look after herself.
I am not greedy but I insisted on fairness, and to give ex his due he done his bit, but I would not give in to a moody greedy man who made life uncomfortable for me and my children, no way.

You are free now - enjoy that. If he doesn't want Christmas dinner with you, so be it . Why would either of you want that? His new lady may well see the light soon. You are allowing him to live on in your mind - Why?
Life is short , you have escaped an abusive marriage and should be proud of that. Now shake him off and rejoice !

I think it would be very odd if you did Xmas, or any other day, with your ex, pretending you’re a “family unit” still, you’re not.

You spent your entire married life treading on eggshells, both you and your family, and that’s neither right nor healthy.

Don’t waste a single breath more him.

Please get some decent financial advice and if I may be so bold, did you not get a decent settlement?