Husband retired and needs entertaining 🫣

butterandjam

We both always had interests and friends outside work, family and home home, some interests shared, some not. Some friends and social groups shared, others separate.

How on earth has your DH "entertained himself" all his working life?

You are not his mother; its far too late now to start arranging his playdates and activities as if he's a little boy.

How on earth has your DH "entertained himself" all his working life?

Not everyone had 9-5 jobs at home.
Some worked away, travelled, often overseas.

He hasn,t been retired long ,it takes time to find a new normal.
It does, and sometimes they need to be nudged in the right direction. After a lifetime of structure, it seems to be men who find it more difficult to adjust.

Mine just kept saying, to anyone who asked, that no, he wasn't enjoying retirement!

I persuaded him to join the NT and we enjoyed that for several years.

Then I encouraged him to join local groups and, before I knew it, he was on the committees, Chairman of one, Secretary of another, volunteering for charity. He also decided to join a couple of groups just for interest.
I had to practically make an appointment to see him.

He's slowed up a bit over the years now but so have I.

Ruthiek, fairly early days for you both with this transition. Time therefore for you to AVOID setting patterns and new habits that appease your husband at the potential cost of you loosing the retirement youve already come to enjoy.

Don't drop your plans at the drop of a hat because your husband expects you to go for a coffee. If you keep doing that a the pattern of his expectation will continue and you will increasing feel more frustrated and resentful. Instead, keep a small pocket diary to record your plans and when the "puppy dog face" appears get out the diary to show him your plans for that day. Sa you cant do now but lets put another time in the diary and ask him when HE's free. Ask him whether he would like to put in other plans for doing things together to spark the conversation/negotiation.

It may be like a broken record at first but he will quickly get the idea you already things going on in your life independently but you also want to do things together that you both enjoy. It may gently encourage him to reflect on interests he might like to explore independently now he has more time. Alternatively he may choose to spend time at home alone just watching TV/ reading whatever- he will work it out over time....

Some people are people people and only feel comfortable with people around them.

DH is like that, he has his own independent interests and wanders off and does them (they all involve other people), but despite being a car tinkerer and DIY person, anything that could sensibly be done in a shed or garage gets done on the kitchen table, because he hates being off on his own doing things without other people around.

On the other hand I am more of a loner and need my own space. It is just a case of adjusting life so that we both are happy. I grit my teeth and keep calm when the kitchen worktop is covered with tools and he accepts me going off by myself whether up to my sewing room or out walking or doing other thing.

butterandjam

We both always had interests and friends outside work, family and home home, some interests shared, some not. Some friends and social groups shared, others separate.

How on earth has your DH "entertained himself" all his working life?

You are not his mother; its far too late now to start arranging his playdates and activities as if he's a little boy.

I do agree with this!

However, I do know it takes time to get used to not being in paid work anymore- which is how I term it because I find the word retirement a misnomer.

It has taken me three years to manage this change and I didn't work until I was in my seventies!

What was the reason DH stayed in work so long?
Why did he plan to give up work now?
I think there must have been reasons for both things and maybe that's where you will find the answer to your dilemma.

Maybe he worked too long, or not long enough?

Change is difficult for everyone and I don't think people are ever prepared for finishing work after a whole lifetime of doing it.

It is very early days- carry on with what you do and don't be emotionally blackmailed by his puppy dog looks. Set him an example of how to live without having to go to work. Give him time to adjust and if he wants to watch TV all day then maybe that's what he wants after a lifetime of having to work...

Retread
i truly cannot understand people who never want the joy of the house to themselves
Neither can I 🤷‍♀️ I have a friend who some time ago asked me if everything was okay in our relationship. It’s 45 years so we are doing something right🥰
The reason she asked was because about 4 times a year my partner goes away for 4/5 days with his hobby/ pastime.
We love each other very much but we are both our own person.
Neither of us have that need to be joined at the hip.

I have little patience with a 74 year old (that is not old and you learn at any age) who wont 'do technology'. You are not his PA- he needs to get on line and do some free tutorials and have a few less 'coffees'. Be much better for his health overall.

We worked together I retired before my DH I am never short of things to do. My DH spends a lot of time watching daytime tv I think it’s a waste of life personally. I suggest little jobs that could be done and encourage his volunteering job.

I see my friends occasionally just for drinks my DH sees a couple of friends very rarely. I try to encourage him to go out more but he is rather stuck in his own routine. My husband spent a lot of money over the years on his main hobbies trains and models and he gets a lot of enjoyment from that.

My advice encourage your DH to do other things take up new interests. He might be at a loss what to do with the extra time he has. Continue with your usual friends meetings and whatever else you do don’t let him put you off.
If you don’t feel like sorting stuff out to go on EBay don’t then he will have to do it. Leave him to his own devices don’t push him or you will end up being called a nag.

What did he retire from doing?

In some ways he is quite late to the game at 74 and it all depends on how his health and energy levels are. As ever the U3A has been mentioned and it is different in different places but many have a monthly meet up and that is a good way to start, I suspect you will have to go as well. My DH has hobbies he pursues at home but now goes to a U3A group. We do try and have a day or half day out each week and the NT and other gardens and a big local shopping centre features occasionally. I still see my old friends, sadly getting fewer, and attend art groups which is my hobby. If he has been in business or is used to running any kind of team you will probably find him running the U3A soon!!
Good luck

It does sound familiar ruthiek; we both went part time before retiring which helped adjust to the ‘new normal’ as others have called it.
Seems like your husband is missing a structure to his days/weeks, and it probably feels like an extended holiday atm.
Have you tried planning the week together, and saying in advance ‘ sorry can’t do coffee Wednesday and Friday (for example) and why don’t we go to XYZ on Tuesday?’
Would he consider volunteering* one day a week, again it would give his week structure otherwise everyday can feel like a Sunday.

* luckily I previewed this as predictive text suggested volleyball rather than volunteering!

Give him a year then sit him down and tell him, nicely, but clearly, that now he has had a year to adjust to retirement he must develop a retirement life of his own with activities and socialising that keep him busy. Obviously there will be time to do joint activities and pursue joint interests but you already have a social life and have friends you want to meet and you intend to give them priority when appropriate.

When my OH retired a few years (he is also a creature of habit) I suggested he cooks our meal one day a week as we were now "retired equal partners".

Now he has developed a love of cooking and I sometimes have to say "It's my turn to cook tonight!" His repertoire has broadened and he rotates about 6 recipes

I also told him we each must now live our best lives, so I do go out often with friends, exercise classes, walks etc.

I truly cannot understand people who never want the joy of the house to themselves!

I love my husband BTW!

Do you have u3a near you? There will surely be a group of some sort to interest him- or you. Or Men’s Sheds, Repair Café? Choir? Ukulele group? Help with Cubs, Scouts?
Soon you can develop a pattern and the week looks after itself.

Get him to take up bowls.

Or war gaming.

You’ll never see him.

🙄😬

Am assuming you don’t go out with friends every day of the week?
It’s important for you to keep up friendships and interests of your own but also to spend time with him.Go out places, think of towns you’d like to visit, countryside walks, garden centres.
Think about revamping the garden or even the house if it needs it.Go out with other couples.

We both always had interests and friends outside work, family and home home, some interests shared, some not. Some friends and social groups shared, others separate.

How on earth has your DH "entertained himself" all his working life?

You are not his mother; its far too late now to start arranging his playdates and activities as if he's a little boy.

I'd encourage DH to get to grips with modern technology. 74 is young; he could have another 20 years (or more) of active life ahead. (IMO being able to use modern technology is crucial for keeping a person up to date with what's going on in tbe world, and linking socially with other people, epecially with the younger generation.) Various places offer introductory courses for retired persons, e.g. local libraries.

I understand that he's struggling to fill his time but tbh he should have been thinking about how to spend his retirement before he actually retired. Any chance of booking him onto something like a U3A course on basic computers? Then at least he could put the stuff on ebay or you could show him. It's not exactly difficult.
OH doesn't mind what I do as he's more than capable of filling his own time productively but I do keep a paper diary with my movements in so he can work round them if he's thinking of taking me out for lunch or having a day out. Don't lose contact with friends, they're so important as we get older. I keep one day in the week free and also the weekend for joint activities and if something crops up that i want to do on any of those days, I will just check he doesn't mind (he usually doesn't). However, as others have said it is early days but perhaps it's better to guard your own time in case you end up with a new norm that you don't like.

Ah yes! My DH retired at the age of 81 because he lost most of his hearing.
So after 50 years I now have a husband who is home almost all the time.
It takes time to adjust.
You have to work it out between you because every relationship is different.
I have had to say its ok to go out on your own. If you want to go to an art gallery that's fine with me.

Maybe a technology lesson or two, then he can put the stuff on eBay himself.

He doesn’t need you to entertain him , he needs to learn to entertain himself. Of course arrange to do things together but do not give up your interests .

Give it time RuthiekHe only retired in July so it is early days and He needs to adapt to not working. In that time there have been two holidays so being at home is not quite normal for him yet. Does he have any hobbies or interests or would he be willing to take some up so that whilst sharing things together, you can still maintain your own things that you like to do.

He hasn,t been retired long ,it takes time to find a new normal.
Sometimes my OH goes out at 9am and I don’t see him until after 6.
He started a place for folk to keep and work on their prized old cars some stunning beautiful cars and some just old cars with sentimental. value.
Best thing he could have done ,having too much time on his hands would have driven him round the bend.
Be kind to him ,poor soul is like.y feeling a bit lost .He,ll find his feet in time ,a new hobby or a reborn old one .
Until then play nice .lol.This will pass

My OH would sit playing stupid games on his blessed iPad ALL day given the chance! He has more screen time than any of the DGC and often only moves to go to the bathroom, make a cuppa, prepare lunch, eat dinner, and go to bed! What a bloody waste!
Me?………I like to “produce or create “ something every day…….whether it’s batch cooking/baking, sewing, painting, gardening (weather permitting) etc etc
If there’s a house project on the go ( think clearing a room for decorating or new carpet ) he will help but it is all done in such a flaming rush I hardly have time to draw breath!