Son, DIL and their finances

Nanagem

Grandmabatty

Stop sending money. Don't comment on his relationship. Be supportive but vague. Practise non committal comments ie "that sounds difficult." Etc.

But he’s falling apart and the children are hungry. How do I cope knowing that

He is grown man for goodness sake, has 3 children but not able to deal with the consequences. Let them get on with their life and sort themselves out. You may love them all but you are enabling them to carry on living like this. Cut the aprons strings NOW and treat him like the adult he is. I think you can write off your loans too, but then you should never lend anyone money unless you are prepared to lose it, we learned that lesson early in adulthood. Put your big girls pants on and don;t let them pull at your heart strings, they are totally using and abusing you. I know this is a harsh post, but it looks like you need harsh. Your husband is so right you are just a purse to them, this is not love. Far from it.

Lots of excellent advice and support from other posters. I agree that you should not send any more money but do an online shopping order sent directly to them, this can be done through your own online account if you have one. Also you could buy and send clothes for the children, then treat them while you are visiting. You could think about a day out for the children, with you & your son, near to where they live, their mum could join you or not. Care for your grandchildren but don't indulge their mother (unless you genuinely feel she is unwell), they are the innocents in all this.

Next time they ask for money, tell them nicely, that you are finding it increasingly hard to manage, as prices keep on going up, and your pensions certainly do not! So sorry, but right now you are not in a position to lend them any more money.

Do you have other children? If so, think about how you intend to leave your estate. It is grossly unfair in my opinion if one child has borrow money, never paid it back and then inherits on the same footing as a sisters or brothers who never borrowed a penny, or conscienciously paid back what they did borrow.

Stop the money.send food as suggested.once per month only.give children treats when they visit you. They need to go to a debt counsellor.

AuntieE

Next time they ask for money, tell them nicely, that you are finding it increasingly hard to manage, as prices keep on going up, and your pensions certainly do not! So sorry, but right now you are not in a position to lend them any more money.

Do you have other children? If so, think about how you intend to leave your estate. It is grossly unfair in my opinion if one child has borrow money, never paid it back and then inherits on the same footing as a sisters or brothers who never borrowed a penny, or conscienciously paid back what they did borrow.

Agree very well said

Having been in a similar situation I sympathise. In my situation it was my DD who was constantly asking for money even though both were in well paid jobs. They had gotten into so much debt. It was always for food or something to do with the cars saying without it they wouldn’t be able to work. This was true because both jobs involved travelling. The final straw for us was when she asked me to borrow money for new school uniforms tel days before they were due to return to school. In the same conversation she mentioned her partner had just put a large deposit on a boat so they could use it for holidays!!! From that day I refused to give them any more money (can’t say it was a loan because I never got it back- or if I did they borrowed it again a week later!) I did occasionally do an online food shop in the first few months but otherwise I stopped bailing them out. I told both of them the reason and told them exactly how much we had given them over the last 2 years. My DD cried for a long time and kept apologising and luckily it didn’t hurt our relationship and she accepted they were wrong. Unfortunately there relationship ended but I honestly think it was probably for the best. DD has now sorted out her own finances and is once again independent financially. She has a new partner who is much more sensible and so thankfully is much happier. It was very difficult and I admit I was really stressed and kept asking myself if I was doing the right thing even though I knew I was 100 percent right. Take on board the good advice given here by other gransnetters. It is not only for you and your husband good but definitely for your son and his GF. Stay strong and know you’ve done your best

I suggest that you and your husband talk through the situation , make plans, write them down so that you can refer back to them . Then it may sound a bit drastic, but I think you should go away for a couple of weeks as a minimum.
It doesn't have to be anywhere exotic. If you have a caravan or know a reasonably cheap b and b that would be fine. Here is the difficult bit. Only send them an email as you leave. Stating that you will be away for x time at least. DO NOT contact them. Preferably don't get in touch with anyone. But try and have some time together. Remember what you loved and liked each other for and become the close knit people you are. Then you can help each other to resist the blackmailing that they are using for that is what it is. If you can only be strong enough and support each other. Check back what you wrote about the situation and stick to it. Then their hold over you will be broken. They will try every trick in the book to get you where they want you. But just think if you truly had no money left. That they had taken it all. And had paid back nothing, would they Then look for someone else to treat in the same way. They have to know that you have had enough. And even if you don't see a penny back you will at least over time have a little to spend on yourselves
At the same time, if you can afford it you could open a bank account in your own names but you will know that actually you are trying to save a little for each grandchild. So that sometime in the future. You may be able to help them without letting their profligate parents get a penny of it. As they grow you are then setting a good example. So please. Strike while the iron is hot, pack your bags, and be absolutely unavailable and unreachable. It is tough love. But should hopefully mean that a better way of life is the end result for you all
Actually if you really suspect that the children are not being fed, then in this case I would send a message anonymously to social services. Either it is true. In which case they need professional help. Or it is a lie being used despicably to extort money from you, which says even more about there attitude towards you. We are here on Gn,s whenever you need a bit of support. I do realise it is a very difficult thing to do, but can only see you having to do this at some point in the future. So better to grasp the nettle now, in the hopes of a better future for you all.

Nanagem
I do hope things get sorted for your DS and DGC. It’s sad but things will have to come to a head as PPs have suggested but it will be a huge health cost to you and DH. If you buy clothes and shoes make sure they are worn so they can’t be exchanged.
Look after yourselves and be strong. Make sure your DGCs know you will always be there for them.

Some people, Aye?

It must be hard for you and DH to be on the sidelines, so to speak.
I can only suggest that instead of sending them money for food, do an online grocery shop and have it delivered to them
It is hard not to get involved in their relationship, but just be a shoulder and ear for your son to vent. I don't think there is anything you can do to solve their situation. That will have to come from them. Take care of yourself x

I wonder - if DS were to leave and apply for a divorce then wouldn’t DIL be pretty much obliged to get a job? Clearly he would rather not take such an extreme step but the threat might just be the shock/wake up call she needs. He must be a lovely guy, but oh boy does he need to man up, I’m afraid. But beyond my admittedly ignorant suggestion I fully agree with other posters’ suggestion of online food deliveries. Best of luck.

I hope I’m not repeating anyone else, but have you thought of having a word with the girl’s mother and Nan?
They could perhaps bring some pressure to bear.
Good luck, it sounds as though you and your son and his family really need it

How does SG fund her fancy style of kife? She doesn't have an income from work. Perhaps child allowance? Your DS needs to take control of his funds if SG has access to them. The debts will be DSs as he has income. If SG can't access via credit cards DS may start to feel he has some control. If SG can't live in her usual style eg nails, makeup she may be encouraged to find work. Can't imagine how difficukt it must be to hold back helping with the debts and trying to ensure GC are cared for with basics at least.

1 am really sorry about the situation you described. Very tough and upsetting for you and your husband

Your husband's wife sounds like a nightmare and a pariah to be honest. She has also rubbed off on him.

I do know of several women and families like this. Before they get married they way up the men and get a softie who will look after them who comes from a decent family.

They are real freeloaders and just looking for a meal ticket really.

Before the welfare changes they used to get everything. And have 3 and 4 children by different fathers and got everything. Labour loved them and still di!!

I would do what other posters suggested and pay for a delivered weekly supermarket shop.

I would also set up a direct debit payments with all the utility companies they use and pay a small amount every month into their accounts with these companies.
Your husband can pay the rest of get a pay as go meter

This women sounds very dysfunctional and maybe did not come from a good background.

Stop letting her play you.

Hope things get better.

Why is she not working? Tired and lying in bed! I think you need to stop sending money,feeding kids on pizza and pop! I think she needs a reality check and to grow up! Seems harsh I know but things need to change. Do they not cook? Sounds like kids looking after kids. I just cannot understand why she is not working?????

I do wonder whether this girl has mental problems of some kind. This behaviour sounds so odd.

My godson married someone who was training as a teacher and once qualified, seemed constantly find problems to avoid getting work. She was seen as work-shy and a sponger but it turned out that she was so terrified of getting a job and being a failure at it, We all feel that a bit, but in her case the fear was so paralysing it left her unable to follow through on any job application. I think she eventually had therapy (the marriage broke up, so I only know so much, but even then, despite her education, she has only ever worked in low skill and responsibility jobs, despite her teachers training.

I just wonder whether something like this lies behind this story, body dysmorphia or something like that.

I just cannot understand why she is not working?????

She is not working because she gets everything she wants from her stupid husband, who is now funding it by taking, not borrowing, from his parents. He is just as culpable as his wife.
I cannot understand how he received a £4,000 bonus and never gave a thought to repaying any of his debts.

You could find out where their nearest food bank was and let them know I'm sure she'd not want to turn up there! A bigger shock might be to find out they don't qualify.
If you are too concerned you could send a food delivery there for basics, cereal, rice, potatoes etc.
Additionally whilst you are 'helping' you are also enabling their behaviours. I know it's tough, but it's tough now he's unhappy, so don't prolong the process. Take care x

Do not question or criticise their relationship and stop sending money, end of. You could contact Social Services they will not divulge your name.

I think a father/son talk would be in order.
He was right when he said they regarded he and his wife as a purse.
Perhaps a list of all the money son has 'borrowed' would be in order and a brisk talk about family responsibilities and both parents pulling their weight.

Sorry to be blunt, but your son needs to "grow some" and take control.
Hard for you to step back, especially given the "emotional B;ackmail" aspect of "children being hungry, but as your SG seems to like her family to look good, it seems unlikely she would actually leave them hungry as that would soon become apparent to her friends etc (those who admire her perfect nails and foreign holidays)
You can buy the children treats, clothes, outings (with you) etc, but don't give DS/SG any more money. It will be hard, but ultimately is for their own good.

Your son and wife will never grow up if you are supporting them.
They are the ones who decided to have all their children so its up to them to support them not you.
You and your husband have to allow them to to live their own life whatever the consequences.
Definitely no more support of money.
You'll never receive the money back you know that.

Think about your own future, when you get to retirement will they be giving you money to support the two of you the answer is probably no they will not.

My blood boiled reading this. I'm guessing they are of school age. If so, my first thought was breakfast clubs - did I read they are now free for all? Also teachers would be likely to spot signs of neglect so I think that this 'going hungry business' is just to pull at your heartstrings/purse. Sounds like SG is a lazy good for nothing and needs a kick up the rear. That can only happen if you stop bailing them out. If nothing changes and when they eventually inherit any money you might have left, which you've probably worked hard at to save, you can be sure it will be frittered away and they'll still be in debt. Then what? They'll have to have that reality check which needs to happen right now. If you are strong and determined and stop being the bank of mum and dad, that reality check is likely to happen sooner rather than later and any inheritance is probably more likely to be used wisely. Sorry if this is harsh but like others have said it now comes down to you giving tough love and your DH is by your side as is her nan. It's not you in the wrong here so, as hard as it is, you shouldn't feel guilty as you've been more than generous. I hope you can give an update later.

Sometimes too much help can hurt. Like the rest of us, they have to learn how to manage and they won’t if they keep their “safety net” of mummy and daddy’s money. Having an able-bodied parent who is not working while asking others take on financial burdens is a combination that does not mix. Your DIL and son are equally responsible for their choices. It’s better for their children that they learn how to manage without constantly depending on you.

You need to write the money off, why loan when they have no intention of paying back. You have not helped so stop it.. I couldn't rest if the children were being neglected. If they are not though and you withdraw funds I doubt you will see them.