Son, DIL and their finances

I don’t know if I’m looking for help or just ranting to be honest. I just get so frustrated and part of me wants to just throw my hands in the air and leave them to it, but I do care and it’s just not in me todo that.

DH says we’re being used as a purse, nothing more, and I suppose he’s right.

I’ll try and cut a long story short - son bet girl fell in love baby 1 followed 2 years after they bet (they were 22/23) we helped set them up in a flat, helped with the baby helped buy most of what they needed. Her mum decided to come out of the wood work a year later and all of sudden she was all that was wonderful. She decided to move 2 hours away and SG really wanted them to go with her, so DS got a transfer and off they went, baby 2 quickly followed. We found over this 18 months of so we were gradually faded out not just me and DH but my other children too. We kept in touch sent birthday/Christmas money but it was very one sided and SG was very cold with us. I have no idea what we did, I had become very fond of her and was upset that I might have done something, but I’ve never found out what. Baby 3 came along, we didn’t see him until he was 18 months old because it wasn’t convenient apparently. We didn’t see any of them for nearly 2.5 years though we tried kept suggesting visits, sent gifts as normal. Son kept in touch but nothing from his partner .

I think her nan stepped in, all of a sudden we were invited to my granddaughters birthday party, it’s was so upsetting out grandchildren didn’t know us, SG was cool/distant maybe ashamed?. At one point I over hear her nana tell her she was wrong and what she did wasn’t just wrong it was cruel. Her mum was ok with us, but she’s the sort that’s ok with everyone so I don’t know.

Role on another couple of years, we see them every 6-8 weeks now and all is good, though they seem to rely on us more and more for money.

6 months ago, they were visiting and DH said we needed them to try harder to repay some of the loads we had given them. At this point they had ‘borrowed” about 4K we “gift” them about 100 most months in little £10 here £50 there. We know this won’t come back but big money like £500 toward a car we said was a load.

They was a huge row, SG said we were being unreasonable and that we didn’t realise how hard it was and how they were trying. I pointed out that we had 5 children and I had worked full time all that time I am well aware of hard works and being short of money.

That was t months ago, since then we haven’t been allowed to visit and they haven’t come here. Always some reasonable excuse but ?. They still need money though, DS keeps intouch we message once or twice a week, but he always needs money, he doesn’t always ask, but will tell me his struggles. We still send him money to help.

So to date. - this morning he messaged me, apparently they had had a big row, and have made up since but it’s made him stop and think. He says he can’t carry on like this. He works full time, is studying to get better qualifications, does 99% of the housework (I know this it’s not just him saying it he has since day one) when he’s not at work he does most of the child care. He takes them to school in the morning, does all the meals all the clearing up. She cares for them during the day when he’s at work and they aren’t at school. But her idea of care is to play with them entertain them and maybe make a sandwich. She has never worked, she did try and do a supermarket job last year and lasted 3 weeks.

He says he loves her, doesn’t want to lose her but can’t live like this anymore. Doesn’t want to loose the children, and is scared how she would cope what the children’s life would be like, we are assuming she would get at least 50/50. He would like to move back near here to his family and friends but that would mean he’s so far from the children and she would stay near her mum. He would also be just has financially pushed probably even more.

I’m so upset, to see my son struggling like this, I love my grandchildren and it breaks my heart to hear them say they are hungry do child should be hungry. I sent £50 yesterday so they could get food, she went to Tesco and bought pizza and pop for their dinner and there’s nothing for breakfast this morning. DS has just messaged whilst in the shop getting something for them today (she’s in bed feeling tired so he’s had to take the children with him). I’ve got all this from the eldest GD chatting to me on his phone while she follows him round the shop 🙄 she loves phoning me his phone a new treat she’s been allowed as she’s a big girl 😂 ( I love her to bits ).

Oh I better stop ranting and get on with my day, if sent another £50 to help with this weekend and buy them some sweets. But this can’t go on, and I just don’t know what to do to help him.