Gransnet forums

Relationships

Fed up of being alone and a false widow

(67 Posts)
Notjustaprettyface Tue 28-Oct-25 21:05:47

Hellô
My husband has been in a care home for 2 years now and although I have contemplated more than once bringing him home , I have been out off by all the problems it would bring
Our marriage was not one made in heaven and now I find myself alone but officially still married so I suppose unable to start looking for a new relationship
I don’t like living alone , I am lonely and I am sick and tired of not finding a solution
I keep going through it in my head but I don’t know what to do
I am not keen on internet dating sites but I did use one, I would declare straight away that I am still married and I would hope that somebody out there would not be put off but I don’t know , maybe they would
I would prefer meeting someone in a ´ natural ´ way , through fate or whatever
I just wonder if anybody has any thoughts ?
( I know I’ve been advised to join groups and things but in the evening and at weekends you still feel lonely )

Cossy Wed 29-Oct-25 17:37:39

Essexgirl145

I'm 80, on my own in an independant living complex. They have a coffee morning once a week which I thought I would have a go at. I'm not good socially as I have Vitiligo (White patches on the skin} in my case autoimmune.. One of the ladies down there told me I was someone who no one wanted to be around. I was totaly crushed as we all have something in old age. She was a Quaker, I have a very dim view of these so called Religous groups. I keep my self to myself now, but I'm sure the loneliness will kill me eventually.

What a terrible story and how rude and uncaring are your dear “neighbours”.

I’m so so sorry this happened to you thanks

Rabbitgran Wed 29-Oct-25 17:03:51

Essexgirl45

I am really shocked to hear how unkind the Quaker woman was to you and send you all best wishes. Quakers are supposed to believe in the light that shines in every person and also in non-violence. flowersflowers

Esmay Wed 29-Oct-25 16:14:28

Fancythat - I sought legal advice and was advised not to pursue it .

Notjustaprettyface - concentrate on interests that make you happy and perhaps less on meeting someone .
Join different groups and you might meet a nice man to share your life with .
I really hope that you find some joy in your future .
Good luck .

Patsytaylor Wed 29-Oct-25 16:04:36

Is there U3A nearby?

Essexgirl145 Wed 29-Oct-25 15:09:59

I'm 80, on my own in an independant living complex. They have a coffee morning once a week which I thought I would have a go at. I'm not good socially as I have Vitiligo (White patches on the skin} in my case autoimmune.. One of the ladies down there told me I was someone who no one wanted to be around. I was totaly crushed as we all have something in old age. She was a Quaker, I have a very dim view of these so called Religous groups. I keep my self to myself now, but I'm sure the loneliness will kill me eventually.

Gogo84 Wed 29-Oct-25 15:02:38

When I separated and was on my own, evenings, at home or at the cinema were fine but I wanted something to do at the weekends. I volunteered at my local hospice, not nursing or anything like that, just clearing away breakfast trays and putting dishes in the washer, things like that, or just chatting to a patient. You would find it most rewarding, as I did.

AuntieE Wed 29-Oct-25 14:42:34

Look at it this way: there must be a very good reason why your husband is in care, so if you "bring him home" have you the physical and mental strength to care for him?

This for both your sakes should be your first consideration.

Secondly, I doubt you will feel less alone with him in the house, as caring for him might well mean, as it did for me, that my entire day and night had to revolve around a terminally ill husband's needs.

Most mornings I was so tired, that I could gladly have crawled back into my bed, instead of making it. But as I had to help my husband to and from the bathroom (later, wash him in bed, and empty his urinal at need), shop for food, do the washing, make meals, talk to my husband about the entire situation and to his doctors, there certainly was not time for a social life, unless friends dropped in for coffee and a chat.

And our marriage had had its ups and downs, like all have, but it was basically a good one, which gave me the strength to soldier on.

You have clearly said that your marriage has been harder, so do you really feel you can cope with your husband's care?

If he stays where he is, then you should be able to arrange your week, so you could join some activity that appeals to you, and at least meet some new acquaintances. This should make you feel less lonely.

If you want a relationship to a man in the usual sense of the word, you will have to reconcile it with your conscience to have a "friend with benefits" .

There are a number of divorced men and widowers out there, so it should be possible to find a lover if you want one.

SaxonGrace Wed 29-Oct-25 14:30:31

I’m sort off in the same situation although we aren’t married my partner of 13 years has been placed in a care home 60 miles away from where we lived by his so called loving family, even though having nursed him last year for three months after his first stroke when he had another stroke they took over the legal decisions. I now see him once a week, he knows me and is always pleased to see me, however I’ve decided that my life goes on, I’ve joined U3a, and some other groups, I’m not actively looking for someone else but if it happens it happens.

RillaofIngleside Wed 29-Oct-25 14:29:58

Notjustaprettyface

I do sympathise with the dilemma, but wonder if it's a man you need or just company from a friend who you can chat about things to and feel that cares about you?
It is usually the case that men age quicker than women, and you could well end up being a carer to a new partner quite quickly. I would be happy to do this for my DH of 45 years, but not some chap I'd only recently met.
I would never remarry and put my home and family 's inheritance at risk. I have seen this disaster occur several times.
At my age (70) I am happy to make good women friends and holiday and socialise with them. There are many ways to meet really good friends, and certainly in our village we do all care for each other.
And some of the horror stories I read on Mumsnet about modern sexual practices, and my own experience of second marriages have put me right off looking for another husband, should the worst befall us.

vampirequeen Wed 29-Oct-25 14:20:05

I joined a dating site when I was still married. I learned how to have fun and flirt again. You don't have to physically meet up if you don't want to/feel ready. If you meet someone and you want to be together there is nothing to stop you living together. Don't put your life on hold or eventually you'll move into the land of if only. Also don't bring him home. If he's in a care home then he needs round the clock care and trying to provide that will kill you.

Lathyrus3 Wed 29-Oct-25 14:05:40

Or golf. That seems to be a similar thing.

Lathyrus3 Wed 29-Oct-25 14:05:10

Would you consider taking up bowls.

It holds no attraction for me but I have friends for whom it is a major part of their lives, the games, practice, maintaining the club house and grounds and an active social life of quizzes, barbecues etc.

The women seem to meet for other activities in the clubhouse like Pilates and there’s definitely no shortage of men if a certain age.

😬

Paperbackwriter Wed 29-Oct-25 13:59:33

Do you like music? If so I recommend going to blues nights in pubs or at a local club if there is one. Older chaps love to be still playing in bands and the gigs are usually full of men Of A Certain Age. All good luck to you.

Patsy70 Wed 29-Oct-25 13:32:32

Notjustaprettyface, shall we get this back on track and respond to your post, as requested?
It must be so difficult for you, especially as your marriage was not ‘one made in Heaven’. What hobbies or interests do you have? It’s natural to feel more lonely in the evenings and at weekends, but the U3A and other groups often meet at these times. They have theatre outings, dinner clubs and a host of other forms of entertainment, with the opportunity of meeting people and making new friends. Personally, I would not consider dating sites or taking a lodger, but that is only my choice. Please research these groups and find something you’d like to be a part of and do keep us updated. 💐

PaynesGrey Wed 29-Oct-25 12:35:50

Lathyrus3

It h dear, you seem to have got ‘lost” on your own thread Notjustaprettyface.

Do you want to try posting again, a new one, and hopefully get some replies about your dilemma.🙂

Yes. With respect to those that have had some bad experiences with men, can I respectfully suggest that your lengthy posts are hijacking a thread which is about the OP's loneliness.

Wyllow3 Wed 29-Oct-25 12:23:04

PS, its put me off men quite a bit for now, but then I'd already been tested as in abusive Ex, and decided I would like to"an other" in my life - to "hold and be held". to share the everyday. Not to live with. I like my life alone well enough.

I'm aware at 74 it's a big ask, but I am fortunate to have a loving family and friends - able to chat here on Gransnet, on one more benign chat room, and men I do trust, good, decent people, in my political life.

Wyllow3 Wed 29-Oct-25 12:19:16

I tuned to google

"There is no time limit on reporting sexual offences such as rape and sexual assault. You might be worried that there won't be enough evidence for the police to start an investigation"

My answer should be, how much does it still trouble you, given what you would have to go through. Yes you do need evidence.

I'm aware that although I am very likely to be believed, since the man has in writing admitted to "over enthusiastic hugging" (and pestering me afterwards by asking if I would go on holiday with him)
and has admitted to feeling contrite: ie its clear that the event took place and involved body contact.

I have taken the precaution of asking my NHS Psychologist who went with me through DH the abuse years for what amounts to a character reference which indicates I would never lie on such a matter (guilt would eat me up).

I have asked myslef a lot what I want. of course some of me wants blind revenge, but what I really want is justice, followed by some kind of participation which could include a sort of reconciliation -

depending of course on whether he owns fully, truly truly sorry to his behaviour, and has been "outed" in our group.

Indeed, that will be the greatest punishment, will it not? I'm not going to let the organisation keep it under wraps.

Lathyrus3 Wed 29-Oct-25 12:15:48

It h dear, you seem to have got ‘lost” on your own thread Notjustaprettyface.

Do you want to try posting again, a new one, and hopefully get some replies about your dilemma.🙂

fancythat Wed 29-Oct-25 11:34:41

Esmay - I dont know much about such things, thankfully, but would it still be "worth" it, reporting the first man to the Police?
It would then be written down as some sort of record?
If he did it again to someone else, it might make a difference?
Feel free to ignore my post.

PaynesGrey Wed 29-Oct-25 11:33:55

Notjustaprettyface

Hello bluebelle
I am 67
I am lonely in the evenings and at weekends essentially
If I could find a female friend who would like to live with me ( I am not homosexual)
That would be great but it s unlikely isn’t it ?

I do remember you posting about this before but don’t remember too many of the details. Now the site search facility is broken and GN do not intended to fix it, I can’t look up was said before.

My advice is to stop thinking that another man is the answer. Few would want to get embroiled in a delicate situation that could go on for years yet. Anyone who did would probably be married himself because I don't see how this could be an open relationship. Sure, you could join Tinder and find any number of men who want casual sex, but it isn’t going to solve the loneliness you feel other than fleetingly. Indeed, casual, meaningless sex could end up making you feel a darn sight worse.

It sounds like you don’t go out to work and need to find something meaningful to do that you can become immersed in. Without knowing what interests you, it’s impossible to advise but there are plenty of things to do that would keep you busy in the evenings and weekends. What do you like to do?

Look online for you town, city or county volunteer hub. You may be surprised at the range of opportunities on offer that give scope for evening and weekend work.

You could advertise for a lodger. Do you have a university or hospital nearby? Could you offer a room to an undergraduate or student nurse?

fancythat Wed 29-Oct-25 11:10:21

Esmay
I dont have words.

So you and Wyllow3 flowers to both.

fancythat Wed 29-Oct-25 11:05:36

Wyllow3
Oh gosh. The "over-hugging" "type".

So sorry what happened.
Glad you are getting support.

vintage1950 Wed 29-Oct-25 11:00:07

Blimey, Esme and Willow3, you'd think we mature ladies would be safe from men like that! Thank you both so much for telling us what has happened to you - your experiences are a warning to us all! flowers flowers

Wyllow3 Wed 29-Oct-25 10:56:17

"It was all my fault that he was unable to perform ."

And there, my love, is where a lot of it comes from especially as we get older. it was undoubtedly there with my Ex. But you were naive and did take risks, but anyway now you know better x

To be fair, they are brought up with a pressure to be a man and be a man successfully sexually, but as we age there are so many ways round it sexually in an understanding relationship, real love can conquer the difficulties.

But it was salutary to realise that some men see Sex as Conquering, not sharing love. Hats off to the men who let themselves be vulnerable, talk to partners about it, find a way through together, as opposed to either evading it or being brutal and attacking in different ways.

Esmay Wed 29-Oct-25 10:46:44

Like Wyllow3 -
I also suffered from assault.
You just don't expect it when you are a grandmother,but believe me it happens . Violent men don't mellow with age -they just age , but can be just as dangerous as they were when young.

If either of the following events happened to me now (unlikely ,because I don't want to date anymore) I wouldn't hesitate in calling the Police .
At the time,I think that I was actually shell shocked .

It came as a tremendous shock and it's why I urge gransnetters to be very careful.

The first one was sexual .
It happened after knowing a man I met on a dating site months after our first acquaintance.
He was furious because he wanted me to marry him and move into his house ASAP.
When it became obvious to him that things weren't going his way-he forced me to have sex with him over and over again and left .
Proving it would have been difficult as we'd had consensual sex regularly up until that terrible weekend.

The second time the attack that happened was rather different.
Knowing the horrible circumstances of that relationship -a friend introduced me to a man she'd known for some time promising me that he was a real gentleman.
At first , he certainly was . He wanted marriage from the beginning . He was excited about combining our families together.
One of my friends thought that he sounded too good to be true and that his claims to be a film director/producer were a tissue of lies.
How right she was.
She also said that I'm so gullible and trusting and she was right about that too .
His unstable insulin dependent diabetes meant that our relationship would not involve sex -something I accepted.
Suddenly after some months when he picked me up at the station I detected a foul mood.
I was shaken.
It was very late at night . I was feeling rather unwell ,frankly exhausted and on the verge of flu .
There were no trains home .
I wondered about getting a taxi .
It was a long way .
I suddenly realised that he was drunk .
I listened to him ranting and raving and fell asleep on his sofa . .
In the morning he'd sobered up , but was silent .
He wanted to take me to his favourite restaurant for lunch .
I wondered if an apology would ensue .
I stupidly went to the restaurant with him . Alarm bells were ringing in my head and I'd decided that it would be the last meal we'd have together.
He sat silently.
I tried to make pleasant conversation.
When the restaurant emptied he began a tirade against me .
It was all my fault that he was unable to perform .
To my knowledge - his sexual problems had destroyed his marriage.
The restaurant emptied.
Suddenly he reached across the table and shook me violently by my neck .
The bar staff got me a huge brandy and I composed myself in the loo -only then realising that I'd left my bag at his house .
We drove back to his house in silence .
Under his breath I heard him say ,I always spoil things .
I collected my bag and found myself locked in the house .
He laughed and poured himself a drink.
I faked an emergency call and managed to leave .
It was the last time that I saw him.
I received some vile texts for a while and ignored them .
He has since died .

Since then several men have asked me out and I've refused .
I've lost my trust in them .
I enjoy the company of my female friends.
I'd rather be on my own .