60 years married

The more I read the more I love being on my own
Well sit him down and ask if he d like to give you a hand at this that or the other I would say exactly what you would like help with as I find (in my opinion) men react better to definites than vague ‘could you sometimes give me a hand in the kitchen’ but a ‘could you peel the spuds’ or ‘can you wash these up’ seem to push them into being more reactive

It is division of labour - each has their own tasks. If you want to change this so he does some of yours and you do some of his you need to tell him this.

It is simple. Do less. Less cleaning, less cooking and whatever else fills your day - and set your DH tasks. 'I m feeling really tired. You can sort out lunch/supper'.

I am not sure what you do in the housework way that takes all day, but do less, only clean once a fortnight. Clean rooms you do not use regulalry only once a month or so. If your DH does all his work in his own room - then let him clean that for himself.

The answer is delegation and a firm assertive voice.

We are 60 years married too, our domestic tasks are organized in the same way as yours. You seem overwhelmed and I understand your feelings as I am finding cleaning more taxing now and intend to find a cleaner in the new year to do the heavy jobs such as kitchen, downstairs cloakroom, bathroom and en suite.. Since he retired DH has taken over most of the cooking which he enjoys and he is better at it than me, could you delegate some cooking to him? Is it possible for you to get a cleaner to help you?

I too can’t imagine what housework can possibly take all day mine takes about less than an hour 🤣Make a bed, wash up , prepare some food double that as there’s two of you (and one of me) and add maybe a weekly hoover and a bit of cleaning.
Batch cook and freeze

Tempted as I was to say how lucky you are still to have your husband, I think it would fall on deaf ears!
You say you can’t see your way out of it. Out of what? The marriage or the fact you are doing housework?
I think most marriages are like yours in that the work is repetitive and sometimes boring, but that’s what you signed up for! It’s how you address it that makes the difference.
Unlike some, your husband seems to be pulling his weight in that he does ‘man’ chores. Many don’t.
You don’t mention leaving him, so I think you should concentrate on getting out of the rut you are in. Start a new hobby, maybe one together with your husband, do charity work, anything to lift your spirits and give you something to get up for. My late husband and I were married for 57 years and enjoyed being together, but we each had our own interests, clubs, hobbies etc. This was great, because we did our own thing some of the time, then chatted about our day over the evening meal. It’s good to do things separately as well as a twosome - you’re not joined at the hip.
In a nutshell, you need to find an interest to absorb you and take your mind off housework etc., your husband needs to do the same, and you also need to find things you and your husband can do together.
Marriage can be the best thing ever. Mine was, but that doesn’t come about all by itself. You need to put some work in.
Think about it. You loved him when you married him, and you can still love him again. Give it a bit of thought.

Do encourage him to get involved in the basics of cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. You could point out that you might feel under the weather sometime or want a little ‘me’ time and he would need to step up and muck in, as it were.

He could possibly feel that you consider it your domain and he doesn’t want to interfere, you won’t know until you at least try to get him involved.

My OH can cook, do laundry, iron, and clean up………..might not be exactly as I’d do it but his methods were a godsend when I was badly injured a couple of years ago.

You need a fair division of household tasks. You say that he does IT tasks, but realistically, those take up a minimum of time compared to housework.

Set him some simple tasks such as preparing a meal, seeing to the laundry, sorting out the recycling.

Show him how the hoover works.

My DH is great at housework. He will cook, clean the kitchen, do the dusting, do the recycling. He also gets a food order in once a week and puts it all away when it arrives.

I always do the ironing, change beds and it falls on me to do the birthday/Christmas presents and cards, and entertain our granddaughter once a week after she gets home from school.

Both of you should sit down, make a list of tasks and decide which of you will do what.

Assuming there's only two of you in a relatively normal house, how much housework and cooking are you doing? I'm not excusing your husband, but you really shouldn't need to be slaving away day after day.

I do housework every day as I find it is taking me much longer to accomplish tasks due to ageing and failing health. Not really a case of slaving away daily.

If you were on your own you would have to do everything.

For those who live alone ALL these tasks fall on them!

You could tell him that he needs to learn so he doesn’t starve if you die first! Equally you need to learn about computers and finances for exactly the same reason. I have met too many people who are not only struggling with the fact of bereavement but also totally bewildered by tasks the other half did exclusively.

Oh the joys of being divorced !!!

We have been married 60 years….got a card from the King. But we have always done things together. We do less now….I am on the iPad at the moment and DH at the table on his computer. But we are both in the same room and talk to each other. Come tea time I will go to the kitchen to prepare a meal and DH will help. Always been this way and I hope always will

Thanks for all replies. I think many things are caused by DH having short term memory problems. I don't clean and cook all day by the way, but would like to carry on with my hobbies and groups. When you have lived a full life, at 82 and 79 it can get rather difficult,

Your husbands short term memory may well be at the root of your despondency and anxiety . I would not for one moment suggest his memory problems are anything serious but it is something you might think about. I struggled when my husband of over 50 years began forgetting our conversations and our plans. He now has a diagnosis of Alzheimers Disease and I was relived he had the diagnosis because it confirmed my thoughts and provided reasons for what was happening. I am 76 and my DH is almost 87. If I ask him to do a job he us happy to agree to my request........however the job is rarely done. not because he is being difficult but because he simply forgets to do it! So life has become very complicated and the man I could always rely on is disappearing from sight. He puts things in the wrong place, loses keys and has impaired judgement in many situations. Please try to be as positive as possible, keep your own interests and seek help if you need it .🌹🌸

Riverside. I am in the same position. My DH doesn’t , can’t do much in the house. He is 91 , there’s a 13 year age gap and it’s showing. I do EVERYTHING , shopping , cleaning our three storey house seeing to all his appointments and as he has given up driving due to failing eye site. I take him to all his appointments. drive him to the library , he sleeps most of the day , has little interest in anything. , we have been married 57 years. I know I am fortunate he is still with me , but it’s so difficult at times. I often have a good cry when he doesn’t see me and I feel better after. But it’s not going to get any better , so I just face each day as it comes. He,s not in the best health so I have to make allowances ,

Also ,his short term memory is not good , he asks me the same thing a few times in a day , such as , what time are we going out, when is my next appointment, it’s hard to keep calm and repeat it over and over again , I have to stop myself from saying “. I just told you that “.

I agree Lilypops, our 10 year age difference has only recently made an impact on our relationship. I too do everything ! He has no idea about his medical appointments , doesn't know where we are going or why. I love him dearly but it is wearing me out physically and emotionally.

He also asks me the same question in the space of 20 minutes! It is so hard
is' nt it ? My thoughts are with
Riversidegirl and all who find themselves in this distressing situation.

crazyH

Oh the joys of being divorced !!!

I so agree the more posts I read the more I enjoy being on my own Charliegirl 🤣🤣🤣
Re the repetition of questions why not have a chart with dates of happenings on the wall and teach him to look at that instead of asking you might help might not but worth a try You could be creative and do all doctors appointments in red all hospital in green or something like that

I send my thoughts to all of you.
My DH is 82 and physically fairly fit but has now lost almost all his hearing. Makes social activity very difficult.
What I think we must do is get as much help as possible.
Definitely ask GP if any help's available so one can get out for the day. I find that these days you have to ask for help.
All best wishes to you all.

I think many of us make the mistake of being too efficient so that when it all gets too much we have an untrained amateur to deal with. A weekly cleaner is a marriage saver and means nobody has to feel put upon but honestly, after sixty years it’s really too late for radical change. Hope you find a cleaner who can take some of the load, and perhaps adapt your obviously very high standards to the current situation?