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Married for 30 years

(10 Posts)
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nanabird Fri 02-Jan-26 14:42:40

I can't seem to get my head around the fact that my husband doesn't love me any more. We've had problems in our relationship over the years, had counselling which helped. We had 20 lovely years together. Ten years ago he came back from working at a big rock concert and he seemed strange. Couldn't string 2 sentences together I thought he was exhausted ( the work he did involved helping prepare the site iron out problems) So he went down before and after the event for weeks at a time. He gave me a beautiful bouquet took me out to dinner the weekend he came back and with no warning whatsoever he asked me for a divorce! I was heartbroken. It got as far as the decree nisi and then he changed his mind! From that moment we never slept together again. I was diagnosed with Parkinson's 6 years ago and he had no reaction after the appointment I had with the Consultant, no loving words no hugs no reassurance nothing. While all this was going on we had to sell the house. We couldn't afford a house in the area we wanted. He insisted we move to Wales I was struggling with my diagnosis and struggling to find a house we could afford. Against my better judgment we moved up to Wales. I didn't like the house or the area no community at all. But made the best of it. But missed my friends plus 2 daughters, I felt he didn't care about my feelings. The train journey was long and tiring down to the West country to see the rest of my family 7 - 8 hours. To cut a long story short my family back in June last year when I came down to visit suggested I didn't go back. I talked to him on the phone and he said "I d rather live in Wales on my own than with you down West". I've been on my own here and he's on his own up there for 6 months now. Before I left his behaviour had slowly been changing he lost interest in his appearance and personal hygiene quite often he would start drinking in the late afternoon. I'm convinced the booze is affecting his cognitive behaviour. By early evening he could be rather unpleasant! I appealed to various members of his family - useless! But I've been told he has had the GP test for early dementia which was fine. I'm still convinced he's got mental problems that so far are undiagnosed. This kind man I loved so much isn't the same person any more he's been uncaring, uninterested and unsupportive of my condition. I'm seeking advice from a solicitor shortly as I don't feel able to go on as we are. He sent me a Christmas card with "all my love" written in it - confusing. Most of my stuff had been moved out of the house. I've probably left quite a lot there too. I don't care about that. My head says that a clean break will be for the best but my heart is still hoping he will change his mind - he won't will he? I feel so sad about it all.

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Fallingstar Fri 02-Jan-26 15:59:22

I am so sorry but you already know the path you have to take, perhaps you both should have taken it in the first place but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Celebrate the 20 good years you had and now look forward to a different future that will offer you the chance to care for yourself and consider your own well-being.
I wish you the very best

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Smileless2012 Fri 02-Jan-26 16:05:20

Such a sad OP nanaburd flowers.

You say your husband has been ^uncaring, uninterested and
unsupportive^ of your Parkinson's so I think you should listen to your head.

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Smileless2012 Fri 02-Jan-26 16:06:08

apologies for misspelling your name nanabird.

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Magenta8 Fri 02-Jan-26 16:27:58

What you are missing and mourning is the man your husband used to be. He has obviously changed out of all recognition for whatever reason. The man you loved is no more. I know this is harsh but you need to look after yourself and move on.

I am sorry to say that writing "all my love" in a Christmas card means very little as his actions show that he doesn't have much, if any, love left to give you.

What you need now is space from this man and to rebuild your life without him.

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Dickens Fri 02-Jan-26 16:40:13

nanabird

Does he drink to excess - has this been a habit for any length of time?

His mental and emotional see-sawing - being seemingly indifferent one minute then sort of caring the next... fits with one of the very common side effects of a damaged liver - Hepatic Encephalopathy. This is basically when the toxins that are normally processed by the liver enter the blood stream and then break the blood-brain barrier and into the brain. This causes multiple effects - one of which is seemingly emotional indifference, combativeness, impulsive behaviour, and a host of other mental and emotional issues.

Loss of interest in appearance and personal hygiene are also part of the effect of Hepatic Encephalopathy.

If his liver is damaged - this just might be the cause... a loving and affectionate partner can change into a cold and unfeeling person.

You say that he came back from the rock concert "exhausted" and seemed "strange" and you appear convinced he has cognitive problems... these, again, are all descriptions of people with Hepatic Encephalopathy.

I've had experience of this myself - so just wanted to put it forward as a possible explanation for his peculiar behaviour.

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nanabird Fri 02-Jan-26 18:41:21

Thank you all so much for all the things you have said. Sadly I think I'm going to have to face up to the situation and try to move on with my life. I must be grateful for the support I've had from my daughters ( it's affected them too) and my family. Thank you Fallingstar for mentioning the happy 20 years I felt comforted by remembering what we had.

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Franski Fri 02-Jan-26 20:55:09

Very sorry nanabird. Glad you have caring daughters. Your dh sounds unwell, but perhaps he also needs a new start. May 2026 bring new hopes and dreams to life for you both x

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Magenta8 Fri 02-Jan-26 21:10:01

Reading back what I wrote it seems a bit cold.

I sincerely wish you and your daughters all the best for a happier 2026.

I hope that your ex can resolve at least some of his issues and be able to lead a less traumatic life.

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welbeck Fri 02-Jan-26 21:28:24

It's not all sad.
Thank goodness for the family who urged you to stay down west.
That is where you need to be now.
Imagine if you were totally isolated without the great resource of that support.
To be among people who know you because they see you and care about you is cause for rejoicing.
All the best for 2026.

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