Unfaithful husband?

It's jointly owned. My 2nd marriage, his third. For me it's not about the house, which I've renovated to be age proof, for him as I promised him he'd never be put in a home. But he's welcome to it all. If I have a little place of my own mortgage free, I can get a job. I'm not frightened of work, I was a Senior Mental Health Practitioner with before I had to retire early on medical grounds. That had totally effed my pension.. however I'd be super happy in a little place I could call my very own. I've never had that. Yet ✊️

Well it sounds that that is what you really want to be out of the relationship and are looking for a way out to have your own place
So I hope you achieve that with or without the cane and cup

I accept your story at face value. I suggest you do what other people suggest take the china and the cane off the high shelf and put them on the kitchen worktop and see how they individually or together react to it.

Supposing you were your errant, or supposedly errant husband, would you hide the evidence of you behaviour in an area of the house that is considered yours (my utility room)? Or would you hide it somewhere that you would not be expected to go - in the garage with the DIY and car parts, or in the garden shed?

Grannynannywanny

Apologies ClareAB. I didn’t mean to be unkind . Like others I was doubting if it was a serious post then your 2nd post crossed with my stupid one.

Sorry 💐

I have just looked up your past threads, ClareAB. Each time (counted 4 and more) there is a different story each time of how dreadful your husband is on this or that.

I would have genuine compassion if I felt your husband was definitely having an affair, and the complexities of a situation when the man cant cope with his changes in sexuality would be a valuable discussion in itself - it has affected many, many one in their marriages - but such a discussion would be pretty TMI.

But your evidence is utterly sparse, ClareAB. I'm not surprised you got the reactions you have, and I think you have grandstanded a story that is likely to get exactly the reaction you did

and then you complain we are heartless?

Try and get all these stories straight?

Hoist with her own petard?

Everything I have posted on here has been genuine. Real life is messy. My husband is a difficult man. I have no 'evidence' except what I have posted. Where are you coming from with your remarks? I don't have a victim mentality, however you seem to be victim blaming with an air of superiority. One of the things I value as I get older is my women friends. Some women on here clearly do not understand what sisterhood is. I guess no matter how old we are mean girls are always gonna be mean.

WTF do you mean?

Not a good choice of expression from someone who considers herself to be a writer.

I don't understand the level of negativity on here, the scepticism and criticism of ClareAB's post.

Someone reaches out with a genuine concern and immediately they're doubted, even ridiculed, by some. Shouldn't we all try to be a little more understanding and supportive when someone's feeling pain and don't know where else to turn for advice?

But, is it a genuine concern? We don't doubt everyone - just the suspicious posts.

It's a bit more complicated than that, Belardo.

The "AIBU" forum - am I being unreasonable is just that,

it is directly asking other posters for an opinion . and some of the opinions you may get, in starting a thread in AIBU, you will not like but you have asked for that opinion.

It becomes even more complicated if the O/P is known from previous threads they have started and this has led to a certain amount of skepticism, which we have seen here.

In 2024 the O/P started a thread in AIBU on her husband - and as soon as negative comments came in, complained about how horrible people were being

Same situation as here - you set yourself up in AIBU as a possible target, then complain about unkindness if posters dont back you 100%

what I advise is that posters looking for an all sympathetic thread - and there is much true kindness in GN, as I have found,

is to post in Health or Relationships where you are looking for help rather than an opinion, which is what AIBU is all about.

This has not been posted in AIBU. It is in Relationships.

I agree with Wyllow. Clare’s style of posting, the scenario, the expansion and then the reaction ( often in swearing or a diatribe) against anyone who questions, is one that has been remarked on before.

It has occurred in posts by others of a different name too.

Thank you. I do not understand the judgementalism, mockery, sexual jokes... This happened yesterday and I'm still in shock. However, I'm flying out to spend a week with one of my sons, who lives in Denmark with his wife and 2 tiny girls, 2 and 8 months on Monday. So I'm going to take a photo of the cup/saucer and cane, go away and have a beautiful time with my granddaughters, then see if they've disappeared when I get home.

Thank you.

SORES

ClareAB

Someone commented about the fact that putting this on an online forum rather than dealing with it in real life was a bit sad. They're not wrong. But he is on all my social media, this is the only place I post anonymously. And, I'm at that stage of being shocked, wishing I didn't find anything and not ready to confide in my nearest and dearest yet, because once I do, this shit gets real and I have to face it. Does that make sense.

ClareAB: you may believe this is anonymous but it is
very specific in parts and no one knows who is listening.

The Daily Mail for instance.

Good point, SORES!

I've even seen stories from Gransnet in overseas publications.

I'd send the cup to the charity shop and put the cane in with the garden waste, say nothing and see what happens.

The Cup , The Cane, The Kids.

Series Two.

Try and get all these stories straight?

ClareAB says she is a writer, Wyllow, so perhaps needs new stories and solutions to mysteries for each new book.

Although, I must say they don't sound like my type of fiction 🤔

I agree.

a. there is no evidence of impropriety

b. if the cup and saucer had been gifted, the recipient clearly doesn’t want it else she would have taken it home.

It’s a storm in a tea cup. Pun intended.

Charity shop, bin.

Finis.

ClareAB

Thank you. I do not understand the judgementalism, mockery, sexual jokes... This happened yesterday and I'm still in shock. However, I'm flying out to spend a week with one of my sons, who lives in Denmark with his wife and 2 tiny girls, 2 and 8 months on Monday. So I'm going to take a photo of the cup/saucer and cane, go away and have a beautiful time with my granddaughters, then see if they've disappeared when I get home.

This is even more specific! so may well knock the Invasion of Greenland from the front pages of August Danish newspapers, who will track you down Clare, interviews on local Danish television will ensue, you will be (in)famous !
Hold the front page !

A writer you say?
Your last sentence leads us to believe that your grandaughters
may have disappeared when you get home.
Do writers say, ‘get’

You are no mathematician either -
cup and saucer + cane = hanky panky with cleaner - please show workings out.

Anyway, as fact this is a tedious tale, as fiction it is banal

when at your age, you are easily “shocked.”

ClareAB

My husband is 78, I am 60. We've been together for 17 years. He was always into a bit of kink between us, and I didn't mind. About 10 years ago he became impotent. He lost all interest in sex, and I didn't push it as I didn't want him to feel humiliated. I leant into the marriage as it was and accepted that sex was not on the agenda. A few times I have found him watching porn which has upset me, not because I'm a prude, but because he clearly still has a libido just not with me. We've talked about it, but then it gets dropped and life carries on.
We have a cleaner who comes for a few hours per week. Had her for 8 years, and grown to love her dearly, as has my husband, we joke that she's our adopted daughter. She's into humming birds big time, so birthdays etc I try find something humming bird related. So, today I was in my utility room and wanted something off the top shelf. I have to stand on a stool, so I do and see a box on top of the cupboard, open the box, it's a beautiful bone China hand painted cup and saucer, with humming birds on it... I think ok, put it back in the box and then see an old fashioned school masters cane next to it. I think there's something going on, or am I going mad?

or in conclusion, you have perhaps answered your own question …

(Yes, apologise as in, this O/P is in "Relationships: - previous ones were in AIBU. but my overall point remains the same)

I think that the hummingbird set (as it's her taste ) is possibly a gift for your cleaner .
And he's hidden it on top of the cupboard .
If it were innocent he'd show it to you .

As for the cane - is he into being a dominant or submissive ?

You really can't tell your sons.

You have a few choices :

Take a deep breath and think hard about it.
Can you safely confide in your friebds ?

Set up a surveillance camera to really find out if your suspicions are correct.

Wrap the gift up and give it to her before he does.

Sack the cleaner ,which is a shame if you like her.

Just blow a fuse about it - a knee jerk reaction.

Pretend you didn't see the gift and the cane and dismiss the whole event from your mind . That's easier said than done .Sooner or later your suspicions will come out in an argument.

Get dressed up and see if he's tempted -maybe you can rekindle your sex life if you are willing .

Get some professional marriage guidance .
I wish you lots of luck .

He's 78 ffs really.

#windup

I see that you've posted before about your difficult marriage OP. So without rambling on, my advice would be to leave him with or without infidelity. You clearly aren't happy. Further more, he's 78 to your 60. You will become his nurse maid before too long. Is that what you want? I suspect he's been fantasising about the cleaner because I can't imagine many 41 year olds wanting sex with a nearly 80 year old man. At 41 the very idea would've made me feel sick. If you can afford your own place (and you will of course get proceeds from the divorce) then do it and stop agonising over it!